Re: Are Your Kids Brutally Hard on Themselves?

July 17, 2011

Yes, it is very black and white thinking. Our therapist suggested that I say to

my daughter, " Oh you are so hard on yourself " .

I was told to say " well I think you are great, pretty etc "

and if she argues with me (and she does) I am to say

" well that is my opinion and you have yours " and

I stop it there or she can just keep obsessing.

Pam

>

> Hello,

>

> My 17 y/o dd judges herself extremely harshly. And while some of her other

difficulties, such as her disturbing intrusive thoughts, are partly alleviated

by medication, her self-loathing never ebbs. She describes herself as " ugly,

mean and lazy " as " cruel " and as a " piece of sh-t. " If asked for an example, she

says she's mean to her 7-year-old sister. She does yell at her sister sometimes

and call her a " brat, " which strikes me as inappropriate for a 17 y/o, but it

hardly qualifies her as " mean " or " cruel. " Her little sister gets over it right

away, mostly remembering all the nice things dd's done for her, like surprising

her with little gifts.

>

> I have always worked hard to positively reframe things for dd, emphasizing her

many wonderful traits and good actions and pointing out that we all make

mistakes and these don't define a person. Siblings fight and insult each other

all the time -- it's not a big deal. But none of this has ever seemed to have

any effect.

>

> I suspect a lot of dd's guilt stems from her thoughts, including negative

judgments she makes about all of us and doesn't say aloud. I don't know what

these are, and I don't need to know. But I have a strong feeling about this.

Severe guilt over her thoughts has always been one of the defining

characteristics of her OCD. I've always emphasized that thoughts aren't good or

bad -- they just are. It's our actions that define us. But I don't think this

helps.

>

> She paints herself as a horrible human being, and for the past few years she's

insisted that she's incapable of getting a good job and college is beyond her

reach. She has various difficulties due to her Asperger's, but she has a high

I.Q. and is quite capable of college, if she chooses that route, and having a

successful career.

>

> She would like to be a movie critic or a novelist, but insists that her

writing " sucks, " of course. She used to maintain a blog with her excellent film

reviews, but she has quit and gets very anxious when contemplating starting to

review movies again. Her novels have also fallen by the wayside. Needless to

say, she is accomplishing very little right now, and I'm sure that contributes

to her low self-esteem. To make matters worse, getting her to do academic work

has increasingly become a struggle in recent years, as I've mentioned before.

>

> None of our efforts to help have made a dent -- this is really heart-breaking.

Does anyone have similar experiences, suggestions, or other thoughts?

>

> Steph (in Virginia)

> 17 y/o dd with OCD, anxiety/depression, Asperger's & NVLD

>

July 17, 2011

Since suffers scrupulosity type OCD, I can relate to some of this. He

also judges himself harshly, hates to be told he's nice, says he's not, REALLY

NOT, etc. Some of this is also from the negative thoughts he has towards

others, things anyone else could have and not feel so bad about. Like if you

see someone being mean to a person, you'll think " she's mean " naturally. But

you shouldn't judge, blah, blah.

I think the " actions count " doesn't apply, that won't work with him either

because of what is going on internally, his thoughts, etc.

I wonder if she stopped her writing due to not wanting to say anything negative,

maybe at least a part of the reason?

Maybe with the film reviews, she'd be willing to just watch with you/others and

discuss it afterwards and not *write* it yet? Do that as a stepping stone to

later writing up what was said after discussion, etc., writing everyone's

thoughts and not just her's....

's taking an Italian movie class right now. He says they watch a movie

each class and discuss it after. Some writing assignments too, I know, he

mentioned he didn't do well on the writing part. I told him to take whatever

they critiqued about it and just try to apply it for the next paper.

He also has gotten back to not liking to read (was like that for years in

middle/high school) due to his thoughts/OCD. He had finally started reading for

enjoyment again but apparently has stopped again. Actually has gotten back into

video games, which he had quit for years due to OCD too. Gee, if it's not one

thing, it's another!

I do wonder with the Aspergers thrown in, if the black & white thinking that can

come with Aspie part also is a problem when thinking negatively about themselves

and having these bad thoughts, there's no gray area, etc.

Wish I had some answers for you. Somehow manages to move on with

things, despite OCD, but I do know it's a struggle/effort many times to do some

things!

((hugs))

, 22, with OCD, dysgraphia, Aspergers

>

> Hello,

>

> My 17 y/o dd judges herself extremely harshly. And while some of her other

difficulties, such as her disturbing intrusive thoughts, are partly alleviated

by medication, her self-loathing never ebbs. She describes herself as " ugly,

mean and lazy " as " cruel " and as a " piece of sh-t. " If asked for an example, she

says she's mean to her 7-year-old sister. She does yell at her sister sometimes

and call

July 17, 2011

Has she always been this way, or is it just since she hit her teen years?

I've noticed our son is hyper critical of himself since he's become a teen. He

was not that way when he was younger, so makes me think it is more of a teen

thing for him.

BJ