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Hi,

Can I get some advice here? I attempted again to have conversation with the ex

regarding our 9yr old OCD. Understand, the ex doesn’t use that term, often

still refuses to admit she ever sees the behaviors at her house, and claims the

counselor is too expensive to be worth it. She gave our daughter the choice when

our daughter asked to see the counselor again, “See Jen or go on the vacation

we planned, we can't afford bothâ€

That our daughter chooses the vacation was ‘proof’ that this was/is not that

serious.

Anyway, I sent a long email and below is an excerpt of what the ex wrote back.

Does she have a point? Much of it sounds logical, but that doesn’t mean

accurate and I know so little about OCD. My biggest point to her was that we

need to stop accommodating the behaviors as all the books have recommended. The

counselor said, “Give no energy to themâ€

The authors of the books assumed the person was receiving treatment, which the

ex will find any excuse to disallow. She is very firm and clear with the

counselor that the behaviors never happen at her house, that it is all a choice

on the part of our child, and there is no problem.

[Her seeing Jen is sometimes another form of accommodating.  She

enjoys the sessions and they allow her to transfer the responsibility

for her actions from herself to .  I hear " only Jen can

help " a lot, but then she takes no responsibility for implementing the

things Jen suggests.  I think that Jen can also be very

useful, but the idea that ONLY Jen can help is a problem.

I didn't tell her she couldn't do the things, but I made them inconvenient and I

didn't

allow her to inconvenience or blackmail me with them.

I told her that the licking thing wasn't ok, but if she needed to do

it she had to go to her room or a bathroom.  I pointed out that there

are plenty of things we do with our bodies *privately* and that if she

felt she needed to do this one, it was private too.  I also did NOT

accompany her to the restroom if we were somewhere public and she

'needed' to lick or put her hands in her mouth.  (I did stay nearby if

there were safety issues, but no company.)

To enforce that it happened only in private I explained that we would

not take her anywhere public if she was doing it other than in the

bathroom, and that we'd leave if she started after we arrived.  I also

told her that Asian culture is not always so forgiving of differences

and that if she was still doing it when it was time for her sleepover

with Yuka I'd find an excuse to cancel this time to give her more time

to get it under control, rather than risk the friendship.

Based on those rules the behaviors dropped by maybe 95%. 

Until the day I picked her up from the sleepover.

She wanted the Build-A-Bear dog.  I told her no, she hadn't bothered

to save any money and I wasn't fronting the whole amount until

September.  Her IMMEDIATE response was " If I don't get the dog I'll

have to lick my hands because I'll be stressed. " I told her I was

absolutely not going to respond to blackmail and that she was NOT

getting what she wanted by threatening.  She screamed until she fell

asleep on the ride home.  When we got home she started working like

crazy to earn money, and by today had earned more than half the price

of the dog.  (Which is my standard for floating a loan, so she got the

dog.)

That was the final nail in the coffin for me.  She's learned she can

get things she wants by threatening herself.  That's going to be a

SERIOUS problem by the teen years if we don't nip it now, so I'm glad

you're thinking in the same directions.  Once I realized that not ALL

of her angst is, well, uncontrollable angst was a lot easier to ignore

the wailing -- it's a tantrum with a twist.

I suspect you'll have to start from scratch, but it IS possible, and

just like not spoiling a toddler, this could get MUCH worse if we

indulge it too much.  Teenagers who have learned to hurt themselves

for what they want can do serious damage.  I'd really like her to

find healthier ways to express her stresses and desires before then!]