Re: school situation and therapy

March 21, 2012

Trust your gut! You know your child best.

March 22, 2012

Hi Fay,

I agree - trust your gut here. You are doing the right thing to talk with

administrators at school. Consider switching him to another teacher if this one

does not understand your son and issues. My ds is 15 and sensitive like yours.

When teachers zero in on him, try to change him, he gets anxious and defiant

also. Recently the issue was that he wasn't putting away his computer quickly

enough as class was starting. Each child at his school brings his own laptop to

school. His main teacher (who is kind and well meaning) decided to break him of

this habit by having all teachers take away his laptop each time. My son of

course noticed how half the class could be playing a game on their laptop, but

he got his taken away, and no one else. This went on for several months, with

the friction building between them. I have seen this happen with other teachers

in the past. When ds feels he is being singled out, treated unfairly, he becomes

upset and anxious. DS's therapist suggested he be switched to another teacher. I

called up an administrator, and got resistance, but remained nice, explaining

the issue, and a change was needed in the best interest of ds. Then I called the

teacher and he was actually very nice about it, although he thought, of course,

it was the wrong decision, that my son was learning discipline, etc (which made

me realize even more it was not a good match). I have my son at a small, private

school also where they are very supportive of him. The therapist also said it

would be best for ds if they stopped focusing in on his use of computer. With

these two changes, my son's anxiety and defiance melted away and he is happy

with his new teacher.

Prairie

>

> Hi there. I haven't posted in awhile. Ds, now 12, has been in a small,

> supportive school this year where he's made a lot of progress. But, he's

> had difficulty with his main teacher. He feels she badgers him and can be

> insensitive. It got to the point where he was being defiant and backtalking

> today. He doesn't want to go to her classes tomorrow.

>

> I am very disappointed with his therapist's response to this. He basically

> said that since the teacher won't change, ds has to learn to handle his

> emotional responses. He is good pals with ds and was very gentle about it.

> But it wasn't something that ds needed to hear in the midst of feeling so

> overwhelmed right now. We will get to this in good time, but for now he

> needs some relief from the stress trigger.

>

> I've noticed the therapist lately heading in this sort of direction with

> ds. It's a shame, since ds is getting into that preteen stage where he

> wants to make a good impression on role models( like this therapist). He's

> feeling more self conscious about sharing his feelings. He needs to be able

> to trust the therapist, or he will not be able to open up and make

> therapeutic progress. And he does have major trust issues, the core of his

> anxiety in many ways.

>

> Seems like another therapist gone wrong. I know, maybe we need to consider

> whether it's us and not them. But you know how hard it can be to find the

> right therapeutic match. All I know is that whenever I've ignored my

> instincts, things have gotten worse for ds. It seems that goals are chosen

> randomly as situations come up, rather than ranked and prioritized.

>

> Ds' reached a point where he'd rather get into trouble, rather than deal

> with the way in which the teacher is making him feel on a routine basis. I

> can see the seeds of the obsessiveness starting. All these stressors effect

> structural changes in the brain. The triggers need to be brought under

> control. My child is not a psychology experiment. It really ticks me off

> when people inadvertently turn him into one.

>

> Anyway, I am taking this up with the school. Just really stinks about the

> therapist.

>

> Fay

>

March 22, 2012

Thanks for replies, I am very rattled and really need the support right

now. Situation blew up in our faces today.

Ds has had an IEP for yrs. We moved him from public school to a private

school that has speced supports. However, it's not a therapeutic program

and I worry that at a certain point they may feel that they cannot handle

ds. Everyone has been very nice about this and ds has been doing well for

the most part at the school, so I know they are not about to tell me that

he's too much of a problem. I have my own anxiety about his fitting into

the school. In public school I was very direct and blunt when it came to

fixing these types of problems, but it's just not the way to go here since

this school does try to foster relationships and break down barriers in

communication. So I'm still trying to find that balance myself.

Ds was to meet with the speced director at the school this morning before

class began. I had emailed him last night that ds did not want to go to

class today, and I gave him a bit of background. Ds did want to give his

perspective on this to the director. Problem is that the school headmaster

saw us waiting for the director (who was not in yet) and asked what was

going on. He then took ds to his office to discuss. Ds was upset b/c the

headmaster told him that the teacher did mean well and just wanted to give

him a chance to succeed. Ds was also caught off guard, although he is very

comfortable with the headmaster(who is also one of ds' teachers and manages

him very, very well).

The headmaster was very nice about it when speaking with me and did plan to

speak with the teacher about management strategies. But in the end, I had

to take ds home b/c he was just completely in an emotional funk and likely

to get defiant again today (although the teacher did plan to give him space

today, the teacher's aide was in charge of the class this morning and was

not yet aware that he had to take it easy today with ds).

I ran into the teacher as well, who just doesn't get it. She's trying to

sound nice, but just like what Prairie posted about her ds, there is

friction building b/c the teacher is taking the wrong approach. I even

tried to tell her more directly that ds just needs more space, and is not

confident that the teacher will respond in a way that he can handle. She

just wasn't connecting at all with what I was saying.

I am really discouraged. I know the speced director would have been more

careful with what he said to ds so as not to trigger anything, since I had

given him background in the email that the headmaster was not aware of.

I'm so discouraged. I'm working 6 - 7 days a week to pay for this school,

and I had to bring ds home today b/c he was overwhelmed with distress and

anxiety.

I'm not giving up, though. Ds' therapist is associated with the school, and

the teacher was going to talk to him about all this. I am going to

contact the therapist and tell him that please, ds is clearly overwhelmed

and right now, we need damage control. Please drum it into the teacher's

head that she needs to back off and stop trying to get ds to tell her

what's bothering him when he simply doesn't trust her.The relationship is

irrreparably damaged at this point, but if she leaves him alone he will go

along with the routine for the next few weeks.

There isn't all that many weeks of school remaining. They get two weeks of

spring break in April, 3 days of a camping retreat in June, and end in mid

June.

Because it's a small school and they have classes set up a certain way for

supports, there really is nowhere to move ds right now. I guess if I had a

meeting with the speced director we could generate some alternate

arrangements, but I'm not sure about that just yet.

In the end, I'm not even upset with the teacher. She's just bumbling along

the only way she knows how. But I'm really ticked off at the therapist. He

missed the boat on this, and let ds down.

Fay

> **

>

> I am assuming they have 504 plans? I'm

> Special Ed coordinator in a district and these concerns get addressed or

> updated in writing in 504 or Iep meeting.

>

> Sent from my iPhone

>

> > Hi Fay,

> >

> > I agree - trust your gut here. You are doing the right thing to talk

> with administrators at school. Consider switching him to another teacher if

> this one does not understand your son and issues. My ds is 15 and sensitive

> like yours. When teachers zero in on him, try to change him, he gets

> anxious and defiant also. Recently the issue was that he wasn't putting

> away his computer quickly enough as class was starting. Each child at his

> school brings his own laptop to school. His main teacher (who is kind and

> well meaning) decided to break him of this habit by having all teachers

> take away his laptop each time. My son of course noticed how half the class

> could be playing a game on their laptop, but he got his taken away, and no

> one else. This went on for several months, with the friction building

> between them. I have seen this happen with other teachers in the past. When

> ds feels he is being singled out, treated unfairly, he becomes upset and

> anxious. DS's therapist suggested he be switched to another teacher. I

> called up an administrator, and got resistance, but remained nice,

> explaining the issue, and a change was needed in the best interest of ds.

> Then I called the teacher and he was actually very nice about it, although

> he thought, of course, it was the wrong decision, that my son was learning

> discipline, etc (which made me realize even more it was not a good match).

> I have my son at a small, private school also where they are very

> supportive of him. The therapist also said it would be best for ds if they

> stopped focusing in on his use of computer. With these two changes, my

> son's anxiety and defiance melted away and he is happy with his new teacher.

> >

> > Prairie

> >

> > >

> > > Hi there. I haven't posted in awhile. Ds, now 12, has been in a small,

> > > supportive school this year where he's made a lot of progress. But,

> he's

> > > had difficulty with his main teacher. He feels she badgers him and can

> be

> > > insensitive. It got to the point where he was being defiant and

> backtalking

> > > today. He doesn't want to go to her classes tomorrow.

> > >

> > > I am very disappointed with his therapist's response to this. He

> basically

> > > said that since the teacher won't change, ds has to learn to handle his

> > > emotional responses. He is good pals with ds and was very gentle about

> it.

> > > But it wasn't something that ds needed to hear in the midst of feeling

> so

> > > overwhelmed right now. We will get to this in good time, but for now he

> > > needs some relief from the stress trigger.

> > >

> > > I've noticed the therapist lately heading in this sort of direction

> with

> > > ds. It's a shame, since ds is getting into that preteen stage where he

> > > wants to make a good impression on role models( like this therapist).

> He's

> > > feeling more self conscious about sharing his feelings. He needs to be

> able

> > > to trust the therapist, or he will not be able to open up and make

> > > therapeutic progress. And he does have major trust issues, the core of

> his

> > > anxiety in many ways.

> > >

> > > Seems like another therapist gone wrong. I know, maybe we need to

> consider

> > > whether it's us and not them. But you know how hard it can be to find

> the

> > > right therapeutic match. All I know is that whenever I've ignored my

> > > instincts, things have gotten worse for ds. It seems that goals are

> chosen

> > > randomly as situations come up, rather than ranked and prioritized.

> > >

> > > Ds' reached a point where he'd rather get into trouble, rather than

> deal

> > > with the way in which the teacher is making him feel on a routine

> basis. I

> > > can see the seeds of the obsessiveness starting. All these stressors

> effect

> > > structural changes in the brain. The triggers need to be brought under

> > > control. My child is not a psychology experiment. It really ticks me

> off

> > > when people inadvertently turn him into one.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I am taking this up with the school. Just really stinks about

> the

> > > therapist.

> > >

> > > Fay

> > >

March 22, 2012

Fay, the situation is difficult if the therapist is connected to the

school. Roy had some trouble talking to the counselor at his public school

because he didn't trust that she would keep things confidential and

advocate purely for him. Though very helpful, I found as a parent that she

was sometimes caught in the middle and it was hard for her to push for what

he needed. I agree that if he is in high anxiety that now is not the time

for him to suck it up and learn how to get along with the teacher. Some HS

staff, including principal told me similar advice when Roy was a freshman.

I know it is not meant to be mean-spirited, but due to lack of knowledge

about black and white thinking and anxiety. He had trouble with quite a few

teachers and we switched when we could. Interesting that one teacher he had

trouble with as a fresh. is now his teacher again two years later. Since

his OCD/anxiety is better now, he likes this teacher and can tolerate the

things that used to set him off. I think it prob would be beneficial to

find a therapist not connected to the school just so he/she could be less

biased/influenced by school politics. Also, I would call a meeting to get

things back on track. I hope this helps.

> Thanks for replies, I am very rattled and really need the support right

> now. Situation blew up in our faces today.

>

> Ds has had an IEP for yrs. We moved him from public school to a private

> school that has speced supports. However, it's not a therapeutic program

> and I worry that at a certain point they may feel that they cannot handle

> ds. Everyone has been very nice about this and ds has been doing well for

> the most part at the school, so I know they are not about to tell me that

> he's too much of a problem. I have my own anxiety about his fitting into

> the school. In public school I was very direct and blunt when it came to

> fixing these types of problems, but it's just not the way to go here since

> this school does try to foster relationships and break down barriers in

> communication. So I'm still trying to find that balance myself.

>

> Ds was to meet with the speced director at the school this morning before

> class began. I had emailed him last night that ds did not want to go to

> class today, and I gave him a bit of background. Ds did want to give his

> perspective on this to the director. Problem is that the school headmaster

> saw us waiting for the director (who was not in yet) and asked what was

> going on. He then took ds to his office to discuss. Ds was upset b/c the

> headmaster told him that the teacher did mean well and just wanted to give

> him a chance to succeed. Ds was also caught off guard, although he is very

> comfortable with the headmaster(who is also one of ds' teachers and manages

> him very, very well).

>

> The headmaster was very nice about it when speaking with me and did plan to

> speak with the teacher about management strategies. But in the end, I had

> to take ds home b/c he was just completely in an emotional funk and likely

> to get defiant again today (although the teacher did plan to give him space

> today, the teacher's aide was in charge of the class this morning and was

> not yet aware that he had to take it easy today with ds).

>

> I ran into the teacher as well, who just doesn't get it. She's trying to

> sound nice, but just like what Prairie posted about her ds, there is

> friction building b/c the teacher is taking the wrong approach. I even

> tried to tell her more directly that ds just needs more space, and is not

> confident that the teacher will respond in a way that he can handle. She

> just wasn't connecting at all with what I was saying.

>

> I am really discouraged. I know the speced director would have been more

> careful with what he said to ds so as not to trigger anything, since I had

> given him background in the email that the headmaster was not aware of.

>

> I'm so discouraged. I'm working 6 - 7 days a week to pay for this school,

> and I had to bring ds home today b/c he was overwhelmed with distress and

> anxiety.

>

> I'm not giving up, though. Ds' therapist is associated with the school, and

> the teacher was going to talk to him about all this. I am going to

> contact the therapist and tell him that please, ds is clearly overwhelmed

> and right now, we need damage control. Please drum it into the teacher's

> head that she needs to back off and stop trying to get ds to tell her

> what's bothering him when he simply doesn't trust her.The relationship is

> irrreparably damaged at this point, but if she leaves him alone he will go

> along with the routine for the next few weeks.

>

> There isn't all that many weeks of school remaining. They get two weeks of

> spring break in April, 3 days of a camping retreat in June, and end in mid

> June.

>

> Because it's a small school and they have classes set up a certain way for

> supports, there really is nowhere to move ds right now. I guess if I had a

> meeting with the speced director we could generate some alternate

> arrangements, but I'm not sure about that just yet.

>

> In the end, I'm not even upset with the teacher. She's just bumbling along

> the only way she knows how. But I'm really ticked off at the therapist. He

> missed the boat on this, and let ds down.

>

> Fay

>

> > **

> >

> > I am assuming they have 504 plans? I'm

> > Special Ed coordinator in a district and these concerns get addressed or

> > updated in writing in 504 or Iep meeting.

> >

> > Sent from my iPhone

> >

> > > Hi Fay,

> > >

> > > I agree - trust your gut here. You are doing the right thing to talk

> > with administrators at school. Consider switching him to another teacher

> if

> > this one does not understand your son and issues. My ds is 15 and

> sensitive

> > like yours. When teachers zero in on him, try to change him, he gets

> > anxious and defiant also. Recently the issue was that he wasn't putting

> > away his computer quickly enough as class was starting. Each child at his

> > school brings his own laptop to school. His main teacher (who is kind and

> > well meaning) decided to break him of this habit by having all teachers

> > take away his laptop each time. My son of course noticed how half the

> class

> > could be playing a game on their laptop, but he got his taken away, and

> no

> > one else. This went on for several months, with the friction building

> > between them. I have seen this happen with other teachers in the past.

> When

> > ds feels he is being singled out, treated unfairly, he becomes upset and

> > anxious. DS's therapist suggested he be switched to another teacher. I

> > called up an administrator, and got resistance, but remained nice,

> > explaining the issue, and a change was needed in the best interest of ds.

> > Then I called the teacher and he was actually very nice about it,

> although

> > he thought, of course, it was the wrong decision, that my son was

> learning

> > discipline, etc (which made me realize even more it was not a good

> match).

> > I have my son at a small, private school also where they are very

> > supportive of him. The therapist also said it would be best for ds if

> they

> > stopped focusing in on his use of computer. With these two changes, my

> > son's anxiety and defiance melted away and he is happy with his new

> teacher.

> > >

> > > Prairie

> > >

> > > >

> > > > Hi there. I haven't posted in awhile. Ds, now 12, has been in a

> small,

> > > > supportive school this year where he's made a lot of progress. But,

> > he's

> > > > had difficulty with his main teacher. He feels she badgers him and

> can

> > be

> > > > insensitive. It got to the point where he was being defiant and

> > backtalking

> > > > today. He doesn't want to go to her classes tomorrow.

> > > >

> > > > I am very disappointed with his therapist's response to this. He

> > basically

> > > > said that since the teacher won't change, ds has to learn to handle

> his

> > > > emotional responses. He is good pals with ds and was very gentle

> about

> > it.

> > > > But it wasn't something that ds needed to hear in the midst of

> feeling

> > so

> > > > overwhelmed right now. We will get to this in good time, but for now

> he

> > > > needs some relief from the stress trigger.

> > > >

> > > > I've noticed the therapist lately heading in this sort of direction

> > with

> > > > ds. It's a shame, since ds is getting into that preteen stage where

> he

> > > > wants to make a good impression on role models( like this therapist).

> > He's

> > > > feeling more self conscious about sharing his feelings. He needs to

> be

> > able

> > > > to trust the therapist, or he will not be able to open up and make

> > > > therapeutic progress. And he does have major trust issues, the core

> of

> > his

> > > > anxiety in many ways.

> > > >

> > > > Seems like another therapist gone wrong. I know, maybe we need to

> > consider

> > > > whether it's us and not them. But you know how hard it can be to find

> > the

> > > > right therapeutic match. All I know is that whenever I've ignored my

> > > > instincts, things have gotten worse for ds. It seems that goals are

> > chosen

> > > > randomly as situations come up, rather than ranked and prioritized.

> > > >

> > > > Ds' reached a point where he'd rather get into trouble, rather than

> > deal

> > > > with the way in which the teacher is making him feel on a routine

> > basis. I

> > > > can see the seeds of the obsessiveness starting. All these stressors

> > effect

> > > > structural changes in the brain. The triggers need to be brought

> under

> > > > control. My child is not a psychology experiment. It really ticks me

> > off

> > > > when people inadvertently turn him into one.

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, I am taking this up with the school. Just really stinks about

> > the

> > > > therapist.

> > > >

> > > > Fay

> > > >

March 22, 2012

Yes , you're right. I had reservations about starting with this

therapist last summer, since it could backfire once ds ran into problems at

the school. We had some really bad personality fits last summer with

therapists, and I so I gave this one a try and hoped that ds would connect

with him (and he has, which is huge). Earlier in the school year when some

of this stuff began, the therapist did attempt to guide the teacher, rather

than just have ds cope with it. But as time has passed, he's changed his

approach.

I've seen this happen with other therapists, as well, where they fail to

distinguish between the times when ds' ready for challenges, vs times when

he's in high anxiety mode and needs relief. They think they 'need' to

start working a certain way, based purely on the passage of time and

whatever happens to come up.

It's not like ds isn't otherwise making progress with his coping skills. He

is, when he's not feeling alienated and overwhelmed.

> **

>

> Fay, the situation is difficult if the therapist is connected to the

> school. Roy had some trouble talking to the counselor at his public school

> because he didn't trust that she would keep things confidential and

> advocate purely for him. Though very helpful, I found as a parent that she

> was sometimes caught in the middle and it was hard for her to push for what

> he needed. I agree that if he is in high anxiety that now is not the time

> for him to suck it up and learn how to get along with the teacher. Some HS

> staff, including principal told me similar advice when Roy was a freshman.

> I know it is not meant to be mean-spirited, but due to lack of knowledge

> about black and white thinking and anxiety. He had trouble with quite a few

> teachers and we switched when we could. Interesting that one teacher he had

> trouble with as a fresh. is now his teacher again two years later. Since

> his OCD/anxiety is better now, he likes this teacher and can tolerate the

> things that used to set him off. I think it prob would be beneficial to

> find a therapist not connected to the school just so he/she could be less

> biased/influenced by school politics. Also, I would call a meeting to get

> things back on track. I hope this helps.

>

> > Thanks for replies, I am very rattled and really need the support right

> > now. Situation blew up in our faces today.

> >

> > Ds has had an IEP for yrs. We moved him from public school to a private

> > school that has speced supports. However, it's not a therapeutic program

> > and I worry that at a certain point they may feel that they cannot handle

> > ds. Everyone has been very nice about this and ds has been doing well for

> > the most part at the school, so I know they are not about to tell me that

> > he's too much of a problem. I have my own anxiety about his fitting into

> > the school. In public school I was very direct and blunt when it came to

> > fixing these types of problems, but it's just not the way to go here

> since

> > this school does try to foster relationships and break down barriers in

> > communication. So I'm still trying to find that balance myself.

> >

> > Ds was to meet with the speced director at the school this morning before

> > class began. I had emailed him last night that ds did not want to go to

> > class today, and I gave him a bit of background. Ds did want to give his

> > perspective on this to the director. Problem is that the school

> headmaster

> > saw us waiting for the director (who was not in yet) and asked what was

> > going on. He then took ds to his office to discuss. Ds was upset b/c the

> > headmaster told him that the teacher did mean well and just wanted to

> give

> > him a chance to succeed. Ds was also caught off guard, although he is

> very

> > comfortable with the headmaster(who is also one of ds' teachers and

> manages

> > him very, very well).

> >

> > The headmaster was very nice about it when speaking with me and did plan

> to

> > speak with the teacher about management strategies. But in the end, I had

> > to take ds home b/c he was just completely in an emotional funk and

> likely

> > to get defiant again today (although the teacher did plan to give him

> space

> > today, the teacher's aide was in charge of the class this morning and was

> > not yet aware that he had to take it easy today with ds).

> >

> > I ran into the teacher as well, who just doesn't get it. She's trying to

> > sound nice, but just like what Prairie posted about her ds, there is

> > friction building b/c the teacher is taking the wrong approach. I even

> > tried to tell her more directly that ds just needs more space, and is not

> > confident that the teacher will respond in a way that he can handle. She

> > just wasn't connecting at all with what I was saying.

> >

> > I am really discouraged. I know the speced director would have been more

> > careful with what he said to ds so as not to trigger anything, since I

> had

> > given him background in the email that the headmaster was not aware of.

> >

> > I'm so discouraged. I'm working 6 - 7 days a week to pay for this school,

> > and I had to bring ds home today b/c he was overwhelmed with distress and

> > anxiety.

> >

> > I'm not giving up, though. Ds' therapist is associated with the school,

> and

> > the teacher was going to talk to him about all this. I am going to

> > contact the therapist and tell him that please, ds is clearly overwhelmed

> > and right now, we need damage control. Please drum it into the teacher's

> > head that she needs to back off and stop trying to get ds to tell her

> > what's bothering him when he simply doesn't trust her.The relationship is

> > irrreparably damaged at this point, but if she leaves him alone he will

> go

> > along with the routine for the next few weeks.

> >

> > There isn't all that many weeks of school remaining. They get two weeks

> of

> > spring break in April, 3 days of a camping retreat in June, and end in

> mid

> > June.

> >

> > Because it's a small school and they have classes set up a certain way

> for

> > supports, there really is nowhere to move ds right now. I guess if I had

> a

> > meeting with the speced director we could generate some alternate

> > arrangements, but I'm not sure about that just yet.

> >

> > In the end, I'm not even upset with the teacher. She's just bumbling

> along

> > the only way she knows how. But I'm really ticked off at the therapist.

> He

> > missed the boat on this, and let ds down.

> >

> > Fay

> >

> > > **

>

> > >

> > > I am assuming they have 504 plans? I'm

> > > Special Ed coordinator in a district and these concerns get addressed

> or

> > > updated in writing in 504 or Iep meeting.

> > >

> > > Sent from my iPhone

> > >

> > > > Hi Fay,

> > > >

> > > > I agree - trust your gut here. You are doing the right thing to talk

> > > with administrators at school. Consider switching him to another

> teacher

> > if

> > > this one does not understand your son and issues. My ds is 15 and

> > sensitive

> > > like yours. When teachers zero in on him, try to change him, he gets

> > > anxious and defiant also. Recently the issue was that he wasn't putting

> > > away his computer quickly enough as class was starting. Each child at

> his

> > > school brings his own laptop to school. His main teacher (who is kind

> and

> > > well meaning) decided to break him of this habit by having all teachers

> > > take away his laptop each time. My son of course noticed how half the

> > class

> > > could be playing a game on their laptop, but he got his taken away, and

> > no

> > > one else. This went on for several months, with the friction building

> > > between them. I have seen this happen with other teachers in the past.

> > When

> > > ds feels he is being singled out, treated unfairly, he becomes upset

> and

> > > anxious. DS's therapist suggested he be switched to another teacher. I

> > > called up an administrator, and got resistance, but remained nice,

> > > explaining the issue, and a change was needed in the best interest of

> ds.

> > > Then I called the teacher and he was actually very nice about it,

> > although

> > > he thought, of course, it was the wrong decision, that my son was

> > learning

> > > discipline, etc (which made me realize even more it was not a good

> > match).

> > > I have my son at a small, private school also where they are very

> > > supportive of him. The therapist also said it would be best for ds if

> > they

> > > stopped focusing in on his use of computer. With these two changes, my

> > > son's anxiety and defiance melted away and he is happy with his new

> > teacher.

> > > >

> > > > Prairie

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi there. I haven't posted in awhile. Ds, now 12, has been in a

> > small,

> > > > > supportive school this year where he's made a lot of progress. But,

> > > he's

> > > > > had difficulty with his main teacher. He feels she badgers him and

> > can

> > > be

> > > > > insensitive. It got to the point where he was being defiant and

> > > backtalking

> > > > > today. He doesn't want to go to her classes tomorrow.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am very disappointed with his therapist's response to this. He

> > > basically

> > > > > said that since the teacher won't change, ds has to learn to handle

> > his

> > > > > emotional responses. He is good pals with ds and was very gentle

> > about

> > > it.

> > > > > But it wasn't something that ds needed to hear in the midst of

> > feeling

> > > so

> > > > > overwhelmed right now. We will get to this in good time, but for

> now

> > he

> > > > > needs some relief from the stress trigger.

> > > > >

> > > > > I've noticed the therapist lately heading in this sort of direction

> > > with

> > > > > ds. It's a shame, since ds is getting into that preteen stage where

> > he

> > > > > wants to make a good impression on role models( like this

> therapist).

> > > He's

> > > > > feeling more self conscious about sharing his feelings. He needs to

> > be

> > > able

> > > > > to trust the therapist, or he will not be able to open up and make

> > > > > therapeutic progress. And he does have major trust issues, the core

> > of

> > > his

> > > > > anxiety in many ways.

> > > > >

> > > > > Seems like another therapist gone wrong. I know, maybe we need to

> > > consider

> > > > > whether it's us and not them. But you know how hard it can be to

> find

> > > the

> > > > > right therapeutic match. All I know is that whenever I've ignored

> my

> > > > > instincts, things have gotten worse for ds. It seems that goals are

> > > chosen

> > > > > randomly as situations come up, rather than ranked and prioritized.

> > > > >

> > > > > Ds' reached a point where he'd rather get into trouble, rather than

> > > deal

> > > > > with the way in which the teacher is making him feel on a routine

> > > basis. I

> > > > > can see the seeds of the obsessiveness starting. All these

> stressors

> > > effect

> > > > > structural changes in the brain. The triggers need to be brought

> > under

> > > > > control. My child is not a psychology experiment. It really ticks

> me

> > > off

> > > > > when people inadvertently turn him into one.

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyway, I am taking this up with the school. Just really stinks

> about

> > > the

> > > > > therapist.

> > > > >

> > > > > Fay

> > > > >

March 22, 2012

Hi Fay, hate that it's going sour! Certainly don't want him to lose progress

he's made.

I can see the therapist POV, but that is one I would use for my typical sons,

not one who deals with " issues " such as our OCD/other children.

Just what is she badgering him about? Is it work related or just calling on him

too often or fussing...?

I hope they'll work with you on this. Stress he needs a good learning

environment, that he's made a lot of progress and if he gets

overwhelmed/anxious/stressed that it will trigger his OCD to wax and then all

could have even more to deal with (son, you, teachers...), so he needs an

environment that is really supportive of him now to help him get to the point,

eventually, where he does have more control (over OCD, anxiety, other...) in his

reactions, etc. (just brainstorming here, may not be the best word choices)

Agree, if they see him get reactive, then they need to back off or, depending on

why the " badgering " , get a new approach!

Quick thoughts, hope things smooth out!

>

> Hi there. I haven't posted in awhile. Ds, now 12, has been in a small,

> supportive school this year where he's made a lot of progress. But, he's

> had difficulty with his main teacher. He feels she badgers him and can be

> insensitive. It got to the point where he was being defiant and backtalking

> today. He doesn't want to go to her classes tomorrow.

>

March 22, 2012

It's work related. He tends to shut down at times, and she just keeps

pushing. Thing is that they know ds is very motivated and actually a

perfectionist who doesn't let himself off the hook easily, and it's not

even that the work is so hard for him. He runs out of stamina, or hits

information overload, or gets stuck. Anyway, he's basically an A student

this year. Even running an A+ in science without supports. So, he's not a

kid that they need to worry about academically.

The teacher does persist in getting him to work when he's not up to it. But

much worse, she gives off attitude, does not appear empathetic, can be

subtly sarcastic.

Earlier this week ds was physically exhausted (rebounding from a cold,

maybe didn't sleep so well that night). The teacher kept on him, implying

that when he doesn't work or tell the teacher 'what's wrong', he gives off

the impression that he's unmotivated. This kind of talk is manipulative and

can easily trigger an obsession. He can't trust someone like this.

He just wants to be left alone when he's feeling run down, being that he

doesn't trust her. She keeps trying to get him to talk to her when he's in

this state. She suggests that he write her a note. She keeps trying

strategies that are clearly not working.

She ends up running down his stamina even more. She practically pounced on

him on Tues morning to make up one piece of HW that he had forgotten in

school the night before. She even tried to pull him out of science to get

him to do it, since the kids were 'only' finishing up a group project

there. She said it was simple and she just wanted to get it out of the way,

even tried to have him to do it alone while she took the group down to the

book fair( b/c she thought he would be done in no time). When he did

finally get to it, he needed help. The school specializes in LDs and ds

does have known learning stalls, but she just assumes that he's not going

to run into any problem b/c the assignment is 'easy' and he's smart.

I could go on and on, as you see! I have a meeting tomorrow morning with

the speced director, who seems like someone who can help. In the meantime,

the headmaster told the teacher to give ds more space, and she begrudgingly

told me that she would abide by that.

She even called ds' therapist today to ask WHY ds wasn't in school today.

She knew ds was upset, but why, why, why would his mom take him home. The

therapist left me a phone message asking for clarification, as if he still

didn't understand how distressed ds was. I left a somewhat tense message

for him, telling him that it should be pretty obvious to the teacher (and

therapist, by implication) at this point, WHY ds' not in school since he

cannot be there when he's overwhelming distressed, alienated and losing

control of his behavior. You mean, therapist, that you didn't have an

answer for her??????

> **

>

> Hi Fay, hate that it's going sour! Certainly don't want him to lose

> progress he's made.

>

> I can see the therapist POV, but that is one I would use for my typical

> sons, not one who deals with " issues " such as our OCD/other children.

>

> Just what is she badgering him about? Is it work related or just calling

> on him too often or fussing...?

>

> I hope they'll work with you on this. Stress he needs a good learning

> environment, that he's made a lot of progress and if he gets

> overwhelmed/anxious/stressed that it will trigger his OCD to wax and then

> all could have even more to deal with (son, you, teachers...), so he needs

> an environment that is really supportive of him now to help him get to the

> point, eventually, where he does have more control (over OCD, anxiety,

> other...) in his reactions, etc. (just brainstorming here, may not be the

> best word choices) Agree, if they see him get reactive, then they need to

> back off or, depending on why the " badgering " , get a new approach!

>

> Quick thoughts, hope things smooth out!

>

> >

> > Hi there. I haven't posted in awhile. Ds, now 12, has been in a small,

> > supportive school this year where he's made a lot of progress. But, he's

> > had difficulty with his main teacher. He feels she badgers him and can be

> > insensitive. It got to the point where he was being defiant and

> backtalking

> > today. He doesn't want to go to her classes tomorrow.

> >

>

March 22, 2012