Re: 19 yr old son with OCD exacerbation

[Guest guest]

Hey! Happy you're both going to the Conference, great he wants to go. Hope it

will motivate him to work on his OCD and use any " tools " he learned/used those

previous years with success!

Is the psych thinking of switching him from Zoloft, or first waiting to see if

the decrease helps? (sometimes people actually do better on less than more)

With my 3 sons (ages 23/twins and 27) all having that same sleep schedule as

your son most of the time, can't really help with that. I don't understand how

they have managed so far as getting up for a class or work! I think sometimes

they have just stayed up and then slept after.... It is hard to get back to a

good sleep routine once thrown off, I sometimes nag about it too. Either that

or get a nightime job/career!

Is he willing to try picking one or 2 things to work on prior to the Conference?

Does his therapist have a treatment plan for his OCD, something he is supposed

to be working on, or is waiting for the med adjustment to settle...?

single mom, 3 sons

, 23, with OCD, Aspergers, dysgraphia

Also sitting at home since grad last August 2011

BS in Biology

(looking for a research lab type position)

>

> Introduction, even tho I was here 5 years ago when my son was first diagnosed.

At that time he had been refusing to take anything by mouth, including meds, for

fear it would kill him. He also couldn't leave the house without opening and

closing the door a certain number of times in a certain sequence, could not take

a walk without getting stuck redoing his steps at some point. He was admitted to

an inpt adolescent psych unit where there were able to get him to take his meds

and he progressed rapidly from that point. On discharge he was on zoloft and

resperidone.

>

[Guest guest]

Is your son's therapist doing ERP (exposure and response prevention) with him?

While it is wonderful that your son likes his therapist, it will not help his

OCD unless he is doing this particular treatment with him that is the gold

standard for treating OCD. In general, therapist will say that they do

cognitive behavior therapy, but it doesn't mean that they are really doing it

with ERP which is needed to help your son get his life back. It sounds like

your son has the motivation to regain his life, but just needs the right tools.

19 yr old son with OCD exacerbation

Introduction, even tho I was here 5 years ago when my son was first diagnosed.

At that time he had been refusing to take anything by mouth, including meds, for

fear it would kill him. He also couldn't leave the house without opening and

closing the door a certain number of times in a certain sequence, could not take

a walk without getting stuck redoing his steps at some point. He was admitted to

an inpt adolescent psych unit where there were able to get him to take his meds

and he progressed rapidly from that point. On discharge he was on zoloft and

resperidone.

He saw a psychiatrist and a therapist post-d/c and eventually got up to 200mg of

zoloft but the resperidone was d/c'd. His therapist was amazed by his

progressed and has always told me what a hard worker J is.

I see it now as a 4 year honeymoon. During this time I put OCD on the back

burner. He had overcome it. Even tho he had some little compulsions that we

could live with, life was good. He went to community college and did well.

Until he got to ALG which he could not pass. He tried and even with the help of

a tutor could not pass.

Then in Mar of last year his Dad and I separated and he became depressed and the

OCD compulsions increased. I had appts with his therapist who recommended a new

psychiatrist (the original had moved). J likes his therapist a lot and also

likes the new psych.

J had gotten to the point that he was staying up all night on the computer,

sleeping all day. Missed classes (he's not even in school now), didn't see

anyone other than me because he didn't leave the house for days. His

compulsions are not as noticeable now but they are there. Drinking a glass of

water is done with a certain # of sips, turning off faucets has a number, he

taps doors after closing them, he's in the shower for at least an hour, before

putting on his shoes he picks them up a certain # of times.

His zoloft is being decreased because his affect has been so flat.

So in a nutshell, I have a 19 yr old who does not go to school, does not have a

job, does complete chores around the house(with reminders), goes to therapy of

his own volition, takes his meds of his own volition, can't make himself go to

bed at night, needs to be awakened and forced to get up in the morning and stays

in his room a lot.

There's more (isn't there always more?) but I'm tired and need support. We are

going to the IOCDF Conf in July! And he wants to go, so that is a bright spot.

I feel better just sharing this because J is very protective about his privacy

around the OCD. I have shared minimally with close friends but no one knows the

whole story.

Thanks for letting me share.

[Guest guest]

" Is your son's therapist doing ERP (exposure and response prevention) with him? "

Thanks for the question. J has been with this therapist for 5 years but I'm

thinking he might no longer be the best person for the job as he doesn't do ERP.

He does do CBT. At the time we found him I was not as informed about OCD.

However, J is 19 and won't change therapists unless he decides that the current

treatment isn't working. I'm hoping he will get some insight at the conference.

He's been very definite with me that this is his to issue to handle. I have to

tread carefully not to cross his boundaries.

[Guest guest]

" Is the psych thinking of switching him from Zoloft, or first waiting to see if

the decrease helps? (sometimes people actually do better on less than more) "

He's waiting to see if the the decrease in zoloft will help. I'm sure the

thought of decreasing the dosage has increased J's anxiety as he's been at this

dosage for quite a while.

" With my 3 sons (ages 23/twins and 27) all having that same sleep schedule as

your son most of the time, can't really help with that. I don't understand how

they have managed so far as getting up for a class or work! "

I also have 22 yr old who is away at college (actually he's home for the summer

right now) and has a similar sleep schedule but he is able to get up and do what

he needs to do. Sleeping all day and missing classes and therapy appts is

worrisome for me.

[Guest guest]

I've been on the same journey you are on - same issues with family conflict and

Dad leaving, son becoming homebound because of avoiding doing rituals. Does your

son still meet with his dad at all? Can Dad give some support and confidence?

Rhonda

19 yr old son with OCD exacerbation

Introduction, even tho I was here 5 years ago when my son was first diagnosed.

At that time he had been refusing to take anything by mouth, including meds, for

fear it would kill him. He also couldn't leave the house without opening and

closing the door a certain number of times in a certain sequence, could not take

a walk without getting stuck redoing his steps at some point. He was admitted to

an inpt adolescent psych unit where there were able to get him to take his meds

and he progressed rapidly from that point. On discharge he was on zoloft and

resperidone.

He saw a psychiatrist and a therapist post-d/c and eventually got up to 200mg

of zoloft but the resperidone was d/c'd. His therapist was amazed by his

progressed and has always told me what a hard worker J is.

I see it now as a 4 year honeymoon. During this time I put OCD on the back

burner. He had overcome it. Even tho he had some little compulsions that we

could live with, life was good. He went to community college and did well. Until

he got to ALG which he could not pass. He tried and even with the help of a

tutor could not pass.

Then in Mar of last year his Dad and I separated and he became depressed and

the OCD compulsions increased. I had appts with his therapist who recommended a

new psychiatrist (the original had moved). J likes his therapist a lot and also

likes the new psych.

J had gotten to the point that he was staying up all night on the computer,

sleeping all day. Missed classes (he's not even in school now), didn't see

anyone other than me because he didn't leave the house for days. His compulsions

are not as noticeable now but they are there. Drinking a glass of water is done

with a certain # of sips, turning off faucets has a number, he taps doors after

closing them, he's in the shower for at least an hour, before putting on his

shoes he picks them up a certain # of times.

His zoloft is being decreased because his affect has been so flat.

So in a nutshell, I have a 19 yr old who does not go to school, does not have

a job, does complete chores around the house(with reminders), goes to therapy of

his own volition, takes his meds of his own volition, can't make himself go to

bed at night, needs to be awakened and forced to get up in the morning and stays

in his room a lot.

There's more (isn't there always more?) but I'm tired and need support. We are

going to the IOCDF Conf in July! And he wants to go, so that is a bright spot.

I feel better just sharing this because J is very protective about his privacy

around the OCD. I have shared minimally with close friends but no one knows the

whole story.

Thanks for letting me share.

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

Ok, so I could have written most of this....Just to let you know you are not

alone dealing with this kind of thing.

Our son is almost 21 now. He is just finishing high school - lost 2yrs due to

OCD, has LD plus, so school is a big challenge with OCD dogging it all the way.

It's been a long haul just to get to this place - graduating high school. I'm

tired. Don't even want to think of next steps, and ours is truly not capable of

doing any of it on his own. As a parent, dealing with the challenges these kids

bring, is exhausting, and there is little support. We don't have doctors

attached anymore, few years, and our son does not " go " to school, so we are

really on our own.

I can say that from our experience of it, a lot of it comes down to maturity. I

have seen ours find his way, slowly. He has to be the one to decide, and in his

own time. Forever is a long time. That's how long these kids will have this

disorder. I know that sounds negative, but it's the truth. From their

perspective, who wants to get out of bed and face it?

That your son is going to his doctor, taking his medication, and willing to go

to the conference; sure sounds motivated to be well!!!

Our son has moved from " it's not fair... " , to venting on the world/me for

causing/triggering the OCD and his suffering. I know that may not seem like

progress, but it is a more active position, than feeling sorry for yourself,

being depressed and not moving at all. If and when he ever fully moves into the

place of responsibility for the OCD, I think he'll fast forward - have seen this

in the past, so know it's possible(he's kind of all or nothing kind). The way I

see it, taking this responsibility is pretty big, so I think they stall with

it(ours has scrupe type OCD,probably tells him he's failing all the time). Ours

does actively do ERP all day long, but he also avoids a lot to cope, which

really limits, again, has to be his choice.

Ours sleeps in, does little outside the house, no friends, life is limited.

However, he is no longer unhappy, more in a holding pattern, and/or slowly,

incrementally moving forward. From the outside looking in, and judged by the

standard of a typical 20yr old, he would be a sad case indeed. However, he has

finished high school, well almost, one course to finish - this, for him is

amazing! He doesn't seem to really care, doesn't think it is something to be

proud of, but he is judging from outside standard.

It is very hard for them to find their place and see how they " fit " , depending

what all they must manage. He has tried things, co-op jobs, did go to school,

and none of it worked for him, so he has learned in a very direct way, he is not

" typical " , but thankfully does not see it as a bad thing now. The " how " and

" what " of the rest of his life is an open question.

What has worked for me, is letting go of any attachment to outcomes or end

points. It's a long life. He'll get there - where ever there is. I can't see

the magic formula that will get him from here to there, but I know he is able.

It IS up to HIM, not me. I " simply " support the process, and try not to lose my

own mind along the way

That your son has a psychologist that he has bonded with and trusts is a whole

lot. It may well be that they are not doing ERP, because your son is choosing

not to, and the doc is waiting him out. Can't make them do it. At least he has

support for himself, and someone to help guide him with this. If he HAS done

ERP, knows how to do it, has seen it work, then you know he CAN do it, and will

when he is good and ready. You might check in with this doctor to discuss this

at least, and see what he thinks.

The other thing is that this is pretty typical for this age - doing nothing! I

am fortunate to have friends with boys all the same age as mine. Without

exception they all seem stalled in some way or other. May have gone to college,

failed and wondering now what, or are experiencing depression and are without

direction, drug issues... While at the same time they have also had successes,

jobs, traveled, looked after themselves etc. They are all learning, exploring,

taking hard knocks, stepping back, not moving, sleeping all day.... In short,

just finding their way, no necessarily having a clue.

So, for our kids, with the OCD attached, and whatever else, it is one more thing

- a very big thing - to have to drag along in the process. It's no wonder

really that they don't want to move. When moving generally means forced

exposure, which means they suffer, which causes them to not even want to look

ahead, because it means considering how they are going to jump through all the

hoops the OCD might throw at them, not to mention the anxiety that comes up with

thinking about doing anything.

Since your son has experienced some life challenges, school, your separation,

these would set anyone back. He probably needs some time. Again, maturity to

see how he is going to navigate any of it. The OCD, if it has come back full

bore, is a big one to swallow. If he's managed it before you know he can again.

He just needs time. Does it really matter how much time? I find that is the

critical piece.

If we as parents can just let it be. Of course doing due diligence on the

medical pieces, but if that is done, letting them find their way. Thing is, if

we are stressed about it, that is the message we send them - what are you

DOING???, HOW are you doing to get anywhere??? Only feeds into anxiety, self

doubt, and further cause them to not even want to try. If we can relax into

what is, and trust that it will somehow evolve, this is the message they get.

Ok, so as usual I have given a long winded post - it's as much for me as you!!

I hope something in there is useful to you. Mostly just wanted you to know you

are not alone wondering " what now? " , and feeling tired of it all. I'm right

there with you girl!!

Hang in there! Keep posting and connecting, so you don't feel isolated with

this - so important!

Hugs to you!

Barb

>

> Introduction, even tho I was here 5 years ago when my son was first diagnosed.

At that time he had been refusing to take anything by mouth, including meds, for

fear it would kill him. He also couldn't leave the house without opening and

closing the door a certain number of times in a certain sequence, could not take

a walk without getting stuck redoing his steps at some point. He was admitted to

an inpt adolescent psych unit where there were able to get him to take his meds

and he progressed rapidly from that point. On discharge he was on zoloft and

resperidone.

>

> He saw a psychiatrist and a therapist post-d/c and eventually got up to 200mg

of zoloft but the resperidone was d/c'd. His therapist was amazed by his

progressed and has always told me what a hard worker J is.

>

> I see it now as a 4 year honeymoon. During this time I put OCD on the back

burner. He had overcome it. Even tho he had some little compulsions that we

could live with, life was good. He went to community college and did well.

Until he got to ALG which he could not pass. He tried and even with the help of

a tutor could not pass.

>

> Then in Mar of last year his Dad and I separated and he became depressed and

the OCD compulsions increased. I had appts with his therapist who recommended a

new psychiatrist (the original had moved). J likes his therapist a lot and also

likes the new psych.

>

> J had gotten to the point that he was staying up all night on the computer,

sleeping all day. Missed classes (he's not even in school now), didn't see

anyone other than me because he didn't leave the house for days. His

compulsions are not as noticeable now but they are there. Drinking a glass of

water is done with a certain # of sips, turning off faucets has a number, he

taps doors after closing them, he's in the shower for at least an hour, before

putting on his shoes he picks them up a certain # of times.

>

> His zoloft is being decreased because his affect has been so flat.

>

> So in a nutshell, I have a 19 yr old who does not go to school, does not have

a job, does complete chores around the house(with reminders), goes to therapy of

his own volition, takes his meds of his own volition, can't make himself go to

bed at night, needs to be awakened and forced to get up in the morning and stays

in his room a lot.

>

> There's more (isn't there always more?) but I'm tired and need support. We

are going to the IOCDF Conf in July! And he wants to go, so that is a bright

spot.

>

> I feel better just sharing this because J is very protective about his privacy

around the OCD. I have shared minimally with close friends but no one knows the

whole story.

>

> Thanks for letting me share.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi there,

>

> Ok, so I could have written most of this....Just to let you know you are not

alone dealing with this kind of thing.

>

> Hang in there! Keep posting and connecting, so you don't feel isolated with

this - so important!

>

> Hugs to you!

> Barb

>

All I can say right now is omg, omg, omg! You are an angel from heaven! I'll

have to read your post many more times to take it all in but I see the wisdom.

I will respond more later as I'm too emotional right now.

It's so nice when others " get it. "

Judy

[Guest guest]

>

> I've been on the same journey you are on - same issues with family conflict

and Dad leaving, son becoming homebound because of avoiding doing rituals. Does

your son still meet with his dad at all? Can Dad give some support and

confidence?

> Rhonda

>

Thank you, Rhonda for your response and question. I'm so glad I reconnected

here. I belong to another online support group re: the separation and have found

it so helpful.

We were a very connected family in a lot of ways before the S so J went from

seeing and talking with his Dad daily to a couple of times a month. He

identifies a lot with his Dad and has had some resentment toward me about the

separation, even tho the reality is it was husband who wanted out. But these

things are never one-sided.

Dad went to an appt with J's therapist with me to work on a plan and the T

suggested that it was important that he (dad) make an effort to see J regularly.

He has stepped up that contact and last week I asked if he could do a little

more because I needed some relief. Except when I am at work, I am with him

constantly. If he leaves the house other than to go to his appts, it is with me.

I do get out and do other things with friends and I have a therapist who I see

weekly. But I've noticed that lately even when I don't need to be at work, I

will stay there because I dislike coming home. I had some work to do on Sunday

(I'm an RN) and when that was completed I took a nap at the office.

I am a fixer/controller by nature, I work in healthcare, that's what I do but I

know I can't fix this.

Your support means so much.

Judy

[Guest guest]

I'm glad that you will be going to the conference then. That should help him to

see what he needs to do to have a successful life despite OCD.

I have to tell you that I needed my parents to push me forward when I was too

scared due to OCD to do it myself. When OCD is overwhelming it is too tempting

to give into it, and having parents who can push you to keep reaching for a full

life despite the OCD is so important.

Re: 19 yr old son with OCD exacerbation

" Is your son's therapist doing ERP (exposure and response prevention) with him? "

Thanks for the question. J has been with this therapist for 5 years but I'm

thinking he might no longer be the best person for the job as he doesn't do ERP.

He does do CBT. At the time we found him I was not as informed about OCD.

However, J is 19 and won't change therapists unless he decides that the current

treatment isn't working. I'm hoping he will get some insight at the conference.

He's been very definite with me that this is his to issue to handle. I have to

tread carefully not to cross his boundaries.

[Guest guest]

Did the docs think there is anything going on in addition to the OCD? With the

flat affect, are they thinking of putting him on an anti-depressant? If they

decrease the Zoloft, will he be more depressed? I guess I would be concerned

about addressing the depr.b/c that can really settle in. My 17 yr. old got into

a deep depression 2 years ago. Prozac helped him.

I totally get that he wants to do his ERP on his own. My 17 yr. old is the same

way and does well working on it. My son too gets stuck around math. For him, he

needs to be able to use his notes if possible and take it slow. No cramming for

him and tutoring doesn't help. It is tricky b/c if he gets in shut down mode,

that is it. He also needs math b/c he wants to eventually be an engineer, so he

is motivated Maybe he can try it online or through another level or teacher. We

have experimented with alot of things and not doing Enhanced and staying at

lowest level seems to work out best.

Also about sleeping, I would not treat that lightly. Not saying your son has

mood disorder but with these sensitive kids, they really need to be on a normal

sleep schedule. I let that slide with my BP son and that really sent him

downhill fast. Thinking of you.

>

> Introduction, even tho I was here 5 years ago when my son was first diagnosed.

At that time he had been refusing to take anything by mouth, including meds, for

fear it would kill him. He also couldn't leave the house without opening and

closing the door a certain number of times in a certain sequence, could not take

a walk without getting stuck redoing his steps at some point. He was admitted to

an inpt adolescent psych unit where there were able to get him to take his meds

and he progressed rapidly from that point. On discharge he was on zoloft and

resperidone.

>

> He saw a psychiatrist and a therapist post-d/c and eventually got up to 200mg

of zoloft but the resperidone was d/c'd. His therapist was amazed by his

progressed and has always told me what a hard worker J is.

>

> I see it now as a 4 year honeymoon. During this time I put OCD on the back

burner. He had overcome it. Even tho he had some little compulsions that we

could live with, life was good. He went to community college and did well.

Until he got to ALG which he could not pass. He tried and even with the help of

a tutor could not pass.

>

> Then in Mar of last year his Dad and I separated and he became depressed and

the OCD compulsions increased. I had appts with his therapist who recommended a

new psychiatrist (the original had moved). J likes his therapist a lot and also

likes the new psych.

>

> J had gotten to the point that he was staying up all night on the computer,

sleeping all day. Missed classes (he's not even in school now), didn't see

anyone other than me because he didn't leave the house for days. His

compulsions are not as noticeable now but they are there. Drinking a glass of

water is done with a certain # of sips, turning off faucets has a number, he

taps doors after closing them, he's in the shower for at least an hour, before

putting on his shoes he picks them up a certain # of times.

>

> His zoloft is being decreased because his affect has been so flat.

>

> So in a nutshell, I have a 19 yr old who does not go to school, does not have

a job, does complete chores around the house(with reminders), goes to therapy of

his own volition, takes his meds of his own volition, can't make himself go to

bed at night, needs to be awakened and forced to get up in the morning and stays

in his room a lot.

>

> There's more (isn't there always more?) but I'm tired and need support. We

are going to the IOCDF Conf in July! And he wants to go, so that is a bright

spot.

>

> I feel better just sharing this because J is very protective about his privacy

around the OCD. I have shared minimally with close friends but no one knows the

whole story.

>

> Thanks for letting me share.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi again Judy,

Well, if you figure something out let me know! I'm sure you have words of

wisdom to share back. Gain that the hard way with this one.

Remember to look after yourself. Best advice I can give. Saw you mention you

are an RN. Since you are used to looking after others, and " fixing " things, as

you say, good to turn some of that focus on yourself. Kind of relieves our kids

too! Can you tell I am not dissimilar??

Warmly,

Barb

> >

> > Hi there,

> >

> > Ok, so I could have written most of this....Just to let you know you are not

alone dealing with this kind of thing.

> >

>

> > Hang in there! Keep posting and connecting, so you don't feel isolated with

this - so important!

> >

> > Hugs to you!

> > Barb

> >

> All I can say right now is omg, omg, omg! You are an angel from heaven! I'll

have to read your post many more times to take it all in but I see the wisdom.

>

> I will respond more later as I'm too emotional right now.

>

> It's so nice when others " get it. "

>

> Judy

>

[Guest guest]

>Hi ,

> Did the docs think there is anything going on in addition to the OCD?

With the flat affect, are they thinking of putting him on an

anti-depressant? The psych is decreasing the zoloft in a very controlled

manner and seeing J regularly so he can gauge the reaction. J also sees

his T regularly and the 2 docs are in the same office. I feel very safe

in doing this. The goal is not to d/c the zoloft but see if the zoloft

can be just as effective at a lower dose.

> I totally get that he wants to do his ERP on his own. My 17 yr. old

is the same way and does well working on it. My son too gets stuck

around math.J is a whiz at history, geology, geography and can do

arithmetic in his head, he just has trouble with the actual " doing " of

the math. He knows an amazing number of facts and can use his knowledge

in conversation but testing is difficult for him.

I've wondered if there was a connections between OCD and math or that he

might have a LD.

We might later look into an online course but right now I think his

plate is full of OCD. I appreciate the suggestion.

> Also about sleeping, I would not treat that lightly. I don't. I can

tell a very real difference in his mood when he's had a good night's

sleep vs staying up all night and sleeping during the day. I worked

nightshift for many years and I know that it messes with emotional as

well as physical well-being. We have agreed that if he hasn't gone to

bed by a certain time, I will remind him of the time and then I wake him

every morning that I'm home, between 8-9.

Judy

[Guest guest]

> I can say that from our experience of it, a lot of it comes down to

maturity. I have seen ours find his way, slowly. He has to be the one

to decide, and in his own time. Forever is a long time. That's how

long these kids will have this disorder. I know that sounds negative,

but it's the truth. From their perspective, who wants to get out of bed

and face it?It's not negative, it's reality. I had lulled myself into

thinking he had this licked and was really knocked for a loop when it

ramped up. The Dad has also said many time, " There's a lot of wiring

that happens in a young man's mind between the ages of 18-22. He's just

not done yet.

Here's where my Super Fix-It Mom comes in and it is so difficult for me

to hold back and celebrate the baby steps without pushing for more. My T

told me just last week that I need to pay more attention to what is

going right, drop the timeline I have have in my head and just roll with

it a bit more than I have been.

His recovery does have to come from him.

> > That your son is going to his doctor, taking his medication, and

willing to go to the conference; sure sounds motivated to be well!!!Yes,

and that needs to top my gratitude list every day. Thanks for the

reminder. I think I'm grieving again. We all go through the grief of

losing the " perfect " child when we get the initial diagnosis and now I'm

grieving the loss of the " recovered " child. I'm now realizing this is a

continuum.

> Ours sleeps in, does little outside the house, no friends, life is

limited. However, he is no longer unhappy, more in a holding pattern,

and/or slowly, incrementally moving forward. From the outside looking

in, and judged by the standard of a typical 20yr old, he would be a sad

case indeed. However, he has finished high school, well almost, one

course to finish - this, for him is amazing! He doesn't seem to really

care, doesn't think it is something to be proud of, but he is judging

from outside standard. This pretty well describes J, too. I think I

need to print that paragraph out and put it on my BR mirror.

>

> What has worked for me, is letting go of any attachment to outcomes or

end points. It's a long life. He'll get there - where ever there is.

I can't see the magic formula that will get him from here to there, but

I know he is able. It IS up to HIM, not me. I " simply " support the

process, and try not to lose my own mind along the way :)Yes, yes, yes!

>

> So, for our kids, with the OCD attached, and whatever else, it is one

more thing - a very big thing - to have to drag along in the process.

It's no wonder really that they don't want to move. When moving

generally means forced exposure, which means they suffer, which causes

them to not even want to look ahead, because it means considering how

they are going to jump through all the hoops the OCD might throw at

them, not to mention the anxiety that comes up with thinking about doing

anything. I haven't given this enough respect because " he had beaten

OCD " >

Thing is, if we are stressed about it, that is the message we send them

- what are you DOING???, HOW are you doing to get anywhere??? You must

be a fly on the wall at our house. > > Ok, so as usual I have given a

long winded post - it's as much for me as you!! I hope something in

there is useful to you. Mostly just wanted you to know you are not

alone wondering " what now? " , and feeling tired of it all. I'm right

there with you girl!! :)Believe me, it was welcome. I've read it several

times and am sure I will read it several more.

Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Judy,

I, too, walk in your shoes from time to time. I have a 19-year old son who also

shuts down on occasion, and sleeps all day sometimes. Things really changed for

him when I went to a regional OCD conference and realized that ERP was extremely

essential to real recovery. All his life we had focused on finding the right

medication, while also obtaining CBT therapy from a few different

well-intentioned providers. There are many therapists who think that they are

providing the right CBT therapy for OCD, and tell you that they treat OCD, but

if they aren't doing ERP, you should find someone else.

When I went to the regional OCD conference, one of the features was lunch with

members of a local support group. I sat at a table with OCD patients who seemed

to be doing really really well. They ALL did ERP. I met an ERP therapist at the

conference and we saw her the next week. That was the beginning of real change

for my son. I wish I could see the folks who were around that lunch table to

thank them. Our son's previous therapist had told me that, before he could do

ERP, there were some basics that needed to be covered. They never did get to the

ERP. This new therapist started it on day one. She has been great. She also

recommended some intensive outpatient therapy, which did wonders.

Here is what really helped him make the decision to do the intensive ERP. The

director of the I/O center asked our son on the first morning, " Wouldn't it be

nice not to have to worry about all of the things you worry about, not to skip

all of the activities that bother you, and not to have to perform those rituals?

If you will do the ERP with us this week, which will be hard, I promise you your

life will be better. " It was a very compassionate but compelling statement and I

could see that my son was ready to try it. I have to admit I had tried some

other not so noble methods- -bribes, threats, yelling.

The intensive ERP helped immensely, even after one week. He had a great therapy

team and they pushed him pretty hard that week. I can't say that he is cured. He

never will be. And, he had some tough times this past year. Once he had gotten

alot better, he stopped going to the ERP therapist, and guess what, got worse.

But he's back on track with ERP, working successfully, getting himself up for

work, and going out with friends. I have to tell him over and over, that even

when he feels better, to do the ERP so the bad OCD won't creep back in.

I'm glad you're going to the conference. If your son wants to back out when July

comes around, ask him, " wouldn't it be wonderful to feel better? " . I also

encourage him to go to any sessions where he can hear some success stories from

other adults. That is pretty compelling as well.

Good luck.

M

> >

> > I've been on the same journey you are on - same issues with family conflict

and Dad leaving, son becoming homebound because of avoiding doing rituals. Does

your son still meet with his dad at all? Can Dad give some support and

confidence?

> > Rhonda

> >

>

[Guest guest]

M, thanks for sharing; it's marvelous to hear how ERP made such a difference! -

what kind of OCD does your son have and what kind of ERPs does he continue to

do? Is he on meds?

Mine is going on 18 and doing no compulsions right now, seeing a therapist but

no scheduled ERPs. I'm working on how much to actually try to do at home. We met

with T yesterday and she asked son if he was having any thoughts come back. He

said OCD was trying to tell him the floor was dirty, and things that had touched

the floor. He told her that he had purposely eaten a piece of food that fell on

the floor. She congratulated him on that! But then she had all 3 of us get down

on the floor, rub the floor, wipe the floor, play on the floor, then wipe our

faces with our hands. Then we had the rest of the session on the floor. That's

the first therapist that has ever done that; it was so obvious she knew exactly

what ERP was and it was no big deal to her. Son went right along with the whole

thing. She told me to just leave him alone at home, he can talk back to the

thoughts himself. I was so thrilled!

I am with you on keeping the vision of what life can be out there in front of

son, saying, " You want this, right? " My son has verbalized that this is what

makes the most difference to him. He just has to be led to believe that it CAN

happen, and he can make it happen, if he keeps showing the OCD that it is a

liar, liar, liar.

Rhonda

Re: 19 yr old son with OCD exacerbation

Judy,

I, too, walk in your shoes from time to time. I have a 19-year old son who

also shuts down on occasion, and sleeps all day sometimes. Things really changed

for him when I went to a regional OCD conference and realized that ERP was

extremely essential to real recovery. All his life we had focused on finding the

right medication, while also obtaining CBT therapy from a few different

well-intentioned providers. There are many therapists who think that they are

providing the right CBT therapy for OCD, and tell you that they treat OCD, but

if they aren't doing ERP, you should find someone else.

When I went to the regional OCD conference, one of the features was lunch with

members of a local support group. I sat at a table with OCD patients who

[Guest guest]

Judy - that is good to hear that your son's r'ship with Dad is still solid.

Could he go live with Dad equal to time with you? That's what I would ask for if

my husband moved out. You truly do need some breathing space or you will get too

angry and create way more anxiety - if you're like me anyway! Sounds like

your husband still feels some responsibility there - so why not?

Do you know if your husband has BPD? That is an issue with the OCD with some of

us here. It seems to create a unique dynamic. With my husband, I just leave him

alone a lot and he keeps to himself, but kids seem to feel some sort of

stability that mom and dad are both here. Whatever the issues, I truly feel for

you. Having son suddenly crash is hard, but it makes perfect sense with the

upheaval at home. Do keep looking for options so that it works for everyone,

including YOU!

I wanted to mention a book by Lee Baer, Getting Control, he is a great writer

and this book laid it all out so clearly, all the steps needed to work with OCD

at home. I just finished reading it and took a lot of notes; he has forms and

everything, it's all step by step, based on the question, " Which obsession is

most affecting your life right now? " Start with that one thing and work on it,

not overwhelming at all.

Rhonda

Re: 19 yr old son with OCD exacerbation

>

> I've been on the same journey you are on - same issues with family conflict

and Dad leaving, son becoming homebound because of avoiding doing rituals. Does

your son still meet with his dad at all? Can Dad give some support and

confidence?

> Rhonda

>

Thank you, Rhonda for your response and question. I'm so glad I reconnected

here. I belong to another online support group re: the separation and have found

it so helpful.

We were a very connected family in a lot of ways before the S so J went from

seeing and talking with his Dad daily to a couple of times a month. He

identifies a lot with his Dad and has had some resentment toward me about the

separation, even tho the reality is it was husband who wanted out. But these

things are never one-sided.

Dad went to an appt with J's therapist with me to work on a plan and the T

suggested that it was important that he (dad) make an effort to see J regularly.

He has stepped up that contact and last week I asked if he could do a little

more because I needed some relief. Except when I am at work, I am with him

constantly. If he leaves the house other than to go to his appts, it is with me.

I do get out and do other things with friends and I have a therapist who I see

weekly. But I've noticed that lately even when I don't need to be at work, I

will stay there because I dislike coming home. I had some work to do on Sunday

(I'm an RN) and when that was completed I took a nap at the office.

I am a fixer/controller by nature, I work in healthcare, that's what I do but

I know I can't fix this.

Your support means so much.

Judy

[Guest guest]

Judy - that is good to hear that your son's r'ship with Dad is still solid.

Could he go live with Dad equal to time with you? That's what I would ask for if

my husband moved out. You truly do need some breathing space or you will get too

angry and create way more anxiety - if you're like me anyway! Sounds like

your husband still feels some responsibility there - so why not?

Do you know if your husband has BPD? That is an issue with the OCD with some of

us here. It seems to create a unique dynamic. With my husband, I just leave him

alone a lot and he keeps to himself, but kids seem to feel some sort of

stability that mom and dad are both here. Whatever the issues, I truly feel for

you. Having son suddenly crash is hard, but it makes perfect sense with the

upheaval at home. Do keep looking for options so that it works for everyone,

including YOU!

I wanted to mention a book by Lee Baer, Getting Control, he is a great writer

and this book laid it all out so clearly, all the steps needed to work with OCD

at home. I just finished reading it and took a lot of notes; he has forms and

everything, it's all step by step, based on the question, " Which obsession is

most affecting your life right now? " Start with that one thing and work on it,

not overwhelming at all.

Rhonda

Re: 19 yr old son with OCD exacerbation

>

> I've been on the same journey you are on - same issues with family conflict

and Dad leaving, son becoming homebound because of avoiding doing rituals. Does

your son still meet with his dad at all? Can Dad give some support and

confidence?

> Rhonda

>

Thank you, Rhonda for your response and question. I'm so glad I reconnected

here. I belong to another online support group re: the separation and have found

it so helpful.

We were a very connected family in a lot of ways before the S so J went from

seeing and talking with his Dad daily to a couple of times a month. He

identifies a lot with his Dad and has had some resentment toward me about the

separation, even tho the reality is it was husband who wanted out. But these

things are never one-sided.

Dad went to an appt with J's therapist with me to work on a plan and the T

suggested that it was important that he (dad) make an effort to see J regularly.

He has stepped up that contact and last week I asked if he could do a little

more because I needed some relief. Except when I am at work, I am with him

constantly. If he leaves the house other than to go to his appts, it is with me.

I do get out and do other things with friends and I have a therapist who I see

weekly. But I've noticed that lately even when I don't need to be at work, I

will stay there because I dislike coming home. I had some work to do on Sunday

(I'm an RN) and when that was completed I took a nap at the office.

I am a fixer/controller by nature, I work in healthcare, that's what I do but

I know I can't fix this.

Your support means so much.

Judy

[Guest guest]

Hi again Judy,

I get your grief at the revisiting of severe OCD, after a long absence. Ours

wasn't so overnight, more a gradual withdrawal response, after repeated bad

experiences, last one being actual abusive situation in a workplace. So, for

ours, I feel he is cocooning and regrouping, but it does mean he is avoiding

exposures that would occur if he was out in the world moving more.

If your son was doing well before, he must have been using ERP techniques, so he

has the tools to manage the OCD. Whether he can do it alone or needs more

support, ie. more formal ERP, will be determined, with time. That he is

motivated is everything. They can know what they need to do, but have no

external/internal motivation, and then nothing will change, no matter what you

do, at least at his age.

As others has stated, having a doctor who truly has expertise with ERP is

critical.

However, if he is bonded with the therapist he is seeing, and motivated, then as

long as they understand ERP they can do well. The key ingredients are knowing

how ERP works, how to do it, and doing it, so you really don't need a top expert

to do it, as many here can attest - having lead the process on their own! Many

do not have access to experts, or have kids who refuse to go, yet still they get

better, eventually, if they work the ERP. Ours did it on his own.

Our attachment to time lines and outcomes is a big factor in how bumpy the

interaction with them can be, I find. When I re-read my own post it sounds like

I am leaving my kid to his own devices, and that our situation is somewhat

bleak. I guess I was trying to make the point of how it might look to others,

and how my perspective on it has changed. Acceptance of what is, right now, and

not needing it to be anything other than it is allows me to relax into it, and

" go with the flow " as they say.

Doesn't mean I don't want it to be different, and don't think ahead at all, but

don't live in that head space, the " one day at a time " idea. Also, holding the

absolute belief that our son WILL find his way, and communicating that to him,

non-verbally, in the way I " carry " the experience of the day to day.

Even in the darkest times, when I could truly see no future, and wondered if we

would ever get out of that place, I learned to elevate beyond that, to trust and

believe it would evolve. It was palpable, the sense that it would be ok, I

think maybe this is Grace. I certainly felt humbled.

Believe me, I blow, and snap, and have my moments, but mostly am able to just

let it be, NOW. But that has come with time, and many go-rounds of thinking " we

are on our way " , and we are, just not in a straight line, or in any hurry

Learned a lot of that hanging out here, in this group. Wondering, as many do at

the outset esp, how do you/others do this??? How do you get up every day and

face another endless day of OCD and all that goes with it, with no idea when/if

it will ever get better. Knowing what needed to happen, ie. ERP, and not being

able to " make it " happen, was intolerable. It is a whole lesson in patience(?)

- who's the patient?

I vividly remember the day when I stopped carrying the need to " fix " the OCD.

Can't remember what I told my son, if anything, but I just realized I couldn't

make anything happen and had to stop trying to. I remember my son recognizing

that I was no longer pushing him to do things, or nagging him, or carrying any

of it. It left him with it, to pick it up and take it on, or not.

It is theirs to manage, and HAS to be up to them. My backing off put the

responsibility back where it belonged. With teens I think this is the biggest

challenge, and it takes maturity to take on any responsibility, OCD is a pretty

big one, who wants it.

So, I feel like this whole experience is a learning ground, and we have a

" forced exposure " to ourselves Forgiveness goes a long way. I am not

enough, but this is all I have, so it has to do. We all do the best we can, and

when it comes to OCD, it's hard to feel adequate to the task!

More hugs to you!

Barb

>

>

> > I can say that from our experience of it, a lot of it comes down to

> maturity. I have seen ours find his way, slowly. He has to be the one

> to decide, and in his own time. Forever is a long time. That's how

> long these kids will have this disorder. I know that sounds negative,

> but it's the truth. From their perspective, who wants to get out of bed

> and face it?It's not negative, it's reality. I had lulled myself into

> thinking he had this licked and was really knocked for a loop when it

> ramped up. The Dad has also said many time, " There's a lot of wiring

> that happens in a young man's mind between the ages of 18-22. He's just

> not done yet.

> Here's where my Super Fix-It Mom comes in and it is so difficult for me

> to hold back and celebrate the baby steps without pushing for more. My T

> told me just last week that I need to pay more attention to what is

> going right, drop the timeline I have have in my head and just roll with

> it a bit more than I have been.

> His recovery does have to come from him.

> > > That your son is going to his doctor, taking his medication, and

> willing to go to the conference; sure sounds motivated to be well!!!Yes,

> and that needs to top my gratitude list every day. Thanks for the

> reminder. I think I'm grieving again. We all go through the grief of

> losing the " perfect " child when we get the initial diagnosis and now I'm

> grieving the loss of the " recovered " child. I'm now realizing this is a

> continuum.

>

> > Ours sleeps in, does little outside the house, no friends, life is

> limited. However, he is no longer unhappy, more in a holding pattern,

> and/or slowly, incrementally moving forward. From the outside looking

> in, and judged by the standard of a typical 20yr old, he would be a sad

> case indeed. However, he has finished high school, well almost, one

> course to finish - this, for him is amazing! He doesn't seem to really

> care, doesn't think it is something to be proud of, but he is judging

> from outside standard. This pretty well describes J, too. I think I

> need to print that paragraph out and put it on my BR mirror.

> >

> > What has worked for me, is letting go of any attachment to outcomes or

> end points. It's a long life. He'll get there - where ever there is.

> I can't see the magic formula that will get him from here to there, but

> I know he is able. It IS up to HIM, not me. I " simply " support the

> process, and try not to lose my own mind along the way :)Yes, yes, yes!

> >

> > So, for our kids, with the OCD attached, and whatever else, it is one

> more thing - a very big thing - to have to drag along in the process.

> It's no wonder really that they don't want to move. When moving

> generally means forced exposure, which means they suffer, which causes

> them to not even want to look ahead, because it means considering how

> they are going to jump through all the hoops the OCD might throw at

> them, not to mention the anxiety that comes up with thinking about doing

> anything. I haven't given this enough respect because " he had beaten

> OCD " >

> Thing is, if we are stressed about it, that is the message we send them

> - what are you DOING???, HOW are you doing to get anywhere??? You must

> be a fly on the wall at our house. > > Ok, so as usual I have given a

> long winded post - it's as much for me as you!! I hope something in

> there is useful to you. Mostly just wanted you to know you are not

> alone wondering " what now? " , and feeling tired of it all. I'm right

> there with you girl!! :)Believe me, it was welcome. I've read it several

> times and am sure I will read it several more.

> Thanks!

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi again Judy,

I get your grief at the revisiting of severe OCD, after a long absence. Ours

wasn't so overnight, more a gradual withdrawal response, after repeated bad

experiences, last one being actual abusive situation in a workplace. So, for

ours, I feel he is cocooning and regrouping, but it does mean he is avoiding

exposures that would occur if he was out in the world moving more.

If your son was doing well before, he must have been using ERP techniques, so he

has the tools to manage the OCD. Whether he can do it alone or needs more

support, ie. more formal ERP, will be determined, with time. That he is

motivated is everything. They can know what they need to do, but have no

external/internal motivation, and then nothing will change, no matter what you

do, at least at his age.

As others has stated, having a doctor who truly has expertise with ERP is

critical.

However, if he is bonded with the therapist he is seeing, and motivated, then as

long as they understand ERP they can do well. The key ingredients are knowing

how ERP works, how to do it, and doing it, so you really don't need a top expert

to do it, as many here can attest - having lead the process on their own! Many

do not have access to experts, or have kids who refuse to go, yet still they get

better, eventually, if they work the ERP. Ours did it on his own.

Our attachment to time lines and outcomes is a big factor in how bumpy the

interaction with them can be, I find. When I re-read my own post it sounds like

I am leaving my kid to his own devices, and that our situation is somewhat

bleak. I guess I was trying to make the point of how it might look to others,

and how my perspective on it has changed. Acceptance of what is, right now, and

not needing it to be anything other than it is allows me to relax into it, and

" go with the flow " as they say.

Doesn't mean I don't want it to be different, and don't think ahead at all, but

don't live in that head space, the " one day at a time " idea. Also, holding the

absolute belief that our son WILL find his way, and communicating that to him,

non-verbally, in the way I " carry " the experience of the day to day.

Even in the darkest times, when I could truly see no future, and wondered if we

would ever get out of that place, I learned to elevate beyond that, to trust and

believe it would evolve. It was palpable, the sense that it would be ok, I

think maybe this is Grace. I certainly felt humbled.

Believe me, I blow, and snap, and have my moments, but mostly am able to just

let it be, NOW. But that has come with time, and many go-rounds of thinking " we

are on our way " , and we are, just not in a straight line, or in any hurry

Learned a lot of that hanging out here, in this group. Wondering, as many do at

the outset esp, how do you/others do this??? How do you get up every day and

face another endless day of OCD and all that goes with it, with no idea when/if

it will ever get better. Knowing what needed to happen, ie. ERP, and not being

able to " make it " happen, was intolerable. It is a whole lesson in patience(?)

- who's the patient?

I vividly remember the day when I stopped carrying the need to " fix " the OCD.

Can't remember what I told my son, if anything, but I just realized I couldn't

make anything happen and had to stop trying to. I remember my son recognizing

that I was no longer pushing him to do things, or nagging him, or carrying any

of it. It left him with it, to pick it up and take it on, or not.

It is theirs to manage, and HAS to be up to them. My backing off put the

responsibility back where it belonged. With teens I think this is the biggest

challenge, and it takes maturity to take on any responsibility, OCD is a pretty

big one, who wants it.

So, I feel like this whole experience is a learning ground, and we have a

" forced exposure " to ourselves Forgiveness goes a long way. I am not

enough, but this is all I have, so it has to do. We all do the best we can, and

when it comes to OCD, it's hard to feel adequate to the task!

More hugs to you!

Barb

>

>

> > I can say that from our experience of it, a lot of it comes down to

> maturity. I have seen ours find his way, slowly. He has to be the one

> to decide, and in his own time. Forever is a long time. That's how

> long these kids will have this disorder. I know that sounds negative,

> but it's the truth. From their perspective, who wants to get out of bed

> and face it?It's not negative, it's reality. I had lulled myself into

> thinking he had this licked and was really knocked for a loop when it

> ramped up. The Dad has also said many time, " There's a lot of wiring

> that happens in a young man's mind between the ages of 18-22. He's just

> not done yet.

> Here's where my Super Fix-It Mom comes in and it is so difficult for me

> to hold back and celebrate the baby steps without pushing for more. My T

> told me just last week that I need to pay more attention to what is

> going right, drop the timeline I have have in my head and just roll with

> it a bit more than I have been.

> His recovery does have to come from him.

> > > That your son is going to his doctor, taking his medication, and

> willing to go to the conference; sure sounds motivated to be well!!!Yes,

> and that needs to top my gratitude list every day. Thanks for the

> reminder. I think I'm grieving again. We all go through the grief of

> losing the " perfect " child when we get the initial diagnosis and now I'm

> grieving the loss of the " recovered " child. I'm now realizing this is a

> continuum.

>

> > Ours sleeps in, does little outside the house, no friends, life is

> limited. However, he is no longer unhappy, more in a holding pattern,

> and/or slowly, incrementally moving forward. From the outside looking

> in, and judged by the standard of a typical 20yr old, he would be a sad

> case indeed. However, he has finished high school, well almost, one

> course to finish - this, for him is amazing! He doesn't seem to really

> care, doesn't think it is something to be proud of, but he is judging

> from outside standard. This pretty well describes J, too. I think I

> need to print that paragraph out and put it on my BR mirror.

> >

> > What has worked for me, is letting go of any attachment to outcomes or

> end points. It's a long life. He'll get there - where ever there is.

> I can't see the magic formula that will get him from here to there, but

> I know he is able. It IS up to HIM, not me. I " simply " support the

> process, and try not to lose my own mind along the way :)Yes, yes, yes!

> >

> > So, for our kids, with the OCD attached, and whatever else, it is one

> more thing - a very big thing - to have to drag along in the process.

> It's no wonder really that they don't want to move. When moving

> generally means forced exposure, which means they suffer, which causes

> them to not even want to look ahead, because it means considering how

> they are going to jump through all the hoops the OCD might throw at

> them, not to mention the anxiety that comes up with thinking about doing

> anything. I haven't given this enough respect because " he had beaten

> OCD " >

> Thing is, if we are stressed about it, that is the message we send them

> - what are you DOING???, HOW are you doing to get anywhere??? You must

> be a fly on the wall at our house. > > Ok, so as usual I have given a

> long winded post - it's as much for me as you!! I hope something in

> there is useful to you. Mostly just wanted you to know you are not

> alone wondering " what now? " , and feeling tired of it all. I'm right

> there with you girl!! :)Believe me, it was welcome. I've read it several

> times and am sure I will read it several more.

> Thanks!

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi again Judy,

I get your grief at the revisiting of severe OCD, after a long absence. Ours

wasn't so overnight, more a gradual withdrawal response, after repeated bad

experiences, last one being actual abusive situation in a workplace. So, for

ours, I feel he is cocooning and regrouping, but it does mean he is avoiding

exposures that would occur if he was out in the world moving more.

If your son was doing well before, he must have been using ERP techniques, so he

has the tools to manage the OCD. Whether he can do it alone or needs more

support, ie. more formal ERP, will be determined, with time. That he is

motivated is everything. They can know what they need to do, but have no

external/internal motivation, and then nothing will change, no matter what you

do, at least at his age.

As others has stated, having a doctor who truly has expertise with ERP is

critical.

However, if he is bonded with the therapist he is seeing, and motivated, then as

long as they understand ERP they can do well. The key ingredients are knowing

how ERP works, how to do it, and doing it, so you really don't need a top expert

to do it, as many here can attest - having lead the process on their own! Many

do not have access to experts, or have kids who refuse to go, yet still they get

better, eventually, if they work the ERP. Ours did it on his own.

Our attachment to time lines and outcomes is a big factor in how bumpy the

interaction with them can be, I find. When I re-read my own post it sounds like

I am leaving my kid to his own devices, and that our situation is somewhat

bleak. I guess I was trying to make the point of how it might look to others,

and how my perspective on it has changed. Acceptance of what is, right now, and

not needing it to be anything other than it is allows me to relax into it, and

" go with the flow " as they say.

Doesn't mean I don't want it to be different, and don't think ahead at all, but

don't live in that head space, the " one day at a time " idea. Also, holding the

absolute belief that our son WILL find his way, and communicating that to him,

non-verbally, in the way I " carry " the experience of the day to day.

Even in the darkest times, when I could truly see no future, and wondered if we

would ever get out of that place, I learned to elevate beyond that, to trust and

believe it would evolve. It was palpable, the sense that it would be ok, I

think maybe this is Grace. I certainly felt humbled.

Believe me, I blow, and snap, and have my moments, but mostly am able to just

let it be, NOW. But that has come with time, and many go-rounds of thinking " we

are on our way " , and we are, just not in a straight line, or in any hurry

Learned a lot of that hanging out here, in this group. Wondering, as many do at

the outset esp, how do you/others do this??? How do you get up every day and

face another endless day of OCD and all that goes with it, with no idea when/if

it will ever get better. Knowing what needed to happen, ie. ERP, and not being

able to " make it " happen, was intolerable. It is a whole lesson in patience(?)

- who's the patient?

I vividly remember the day when I stopped carrying the need to " fix " the OCD.

Can't remember what I told my son, if anything, but I just realized I couldn't

make anything happen and had to stop trying to. I remember my son recognizing

that I was no longer pushing him to do things, or nagging him, or carrying any

of it. It left him with it, to pick it up and take it on, or not.

It is theirs to manage, and HAS to be up to them. My backing off put the

responsibility back where it belonged. With teens I think this is the biggest

challenge, and it takes maturity to take on any responsibility, OCD is a pretty

big one, who wants it.

So, I feel like this whole experience is a learning ground, and we have a

" forced exposure " to ourselves Forgiveness goes a long way. I am not

enough, but this is all I have, so it has to do. We all do the best we can, and

when it comes to OCD, it's hard to feel adequate to the task!

More hugs to you!

Barb

>

>

> > I can say that from our experience of it, a lot of it comes down to

> maturity. I have seen ours find his way, slowly. He has to be the one

> to decide, and in his own time. Forever is a long time. That's how

> long these kids will have this disorder. I know that sounds negative,

> but it's the truth. From their perspective, who wants to get out of bed

> and face it?It's not negative, it's reality. I had lulled myself into

> thinking he had this licked and was really knocked for a loop when it

> ramped up. The Dad has also said many time, " There's a lot of wiring

> that happens in a young man's mind between the ages of 18-22. He's just

> not done yet.

> Here's where my Super Fix-It Mom comes in and it is so difficult for me

> to hold back and celebrate the baby steps without pushing for more. My T

> told me just last week that I need to pay more attention to what is

> going right, drop the timeline I have have in my head and just roll with

> it a bit more than I have been.

> His recovery does have to come from him.

> > > That your son is going to his doctor, taking his medication, and

> willing to go to the conference; sure sounds motivated to be well!!!Yes,

> and that needs to top my gratitude list every day. Thanks for the

> reminder. I think I'm grieving again. We all go through the grief of

> losing the " perfect " child when we get the initial diagnosis and now I'm

> grieving the loss of the " recovered " child. I'm now realizing this is a

> continuum.

>

> > Ours sleeps in, does little outside the house, no friends, life is

> limited. However, he is no longer unhappy, more in a holding pattern,

> and/or slowly, incrementally moving forward. From the outside looking

> in, and judged by the standard of a typical 20yr old, he would be a sad

> case indeed. However, he has finished high school, well almost, one

> course to finish - this, for him is amazing! He doesn't seem to really

> care, doesn't think it is something to be proud of, but he is judging

> from outside standard. This pretty well describes J, too. I think I

> need to print that paragraph out and put it on my BR mirror.

> >

> > What has worked for me, is letting go of any attachment to outcomes or

> end points. It's a long life. He'll get there - where ever there is.

> I can't see the magic formula that will get him from here to there, but

> I know he is able. It IS up to HIM, not me. I " simply " support the

> process, and try not to lose my own mind along the way :)Yes, yes, yes!

> >

> > So, for our kids, with the OCD attached, and whatever else, it is one

> more thing - a very big thing - to have to drag along in the process.

> It's no wonder really that they don't want to move. When moving

> generally means forced exposure, which means they suffer, which causes

> them to not even want to look ahead, because it means considering how

> they are going to jump through all the hoops the OCD might throw at

> them, not to mention the anxiety that comes up with thinking about doing

> anything. I haven't given this enough respect because " he had beaten

> OCD " >

> Thing is, if we are stressed about it, that is the message we send them

> - what are you DOING???, HOW are you doing to get anywhere??? You must

> be a fly on the wall at our house. > > Ok, so as usual I have given a

> long winded post - it's as much for me as you!! I hope something in

> there is useful to you. Mostly just wanted you to know you are not

> alone wondering " what now? " , and feeling tired of it all. I'm right

> there with you girl!! :)Believe me, it was welcome. I've read it several

> times and am sure I will read it several more.

> Thanks!

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Judy - that is good to hear that your son's r'ship with Dad is still

solid. Could he go live with Dad equal to time with you?

No, he can't live with his Dad, even tho that would be ideal. At least

not right now. The Dad has chosen to live in our travel trailer that

barely has room for 2 people sleeping in the same bed. Definitely not

room enough for a Dad and his adult son. I am brainstorming ways that

that could happen.

Background on homelife: at the time The Dad moved out it was right

around the 1st anniv of my mothers death who I had moved into an

assisted living in my town so that I could oversee her care after a

stroke. I had too many balls in the air (fixer), I have

depression(treated) but the year after her death was really difficult.

Our home was not an easy place to be. Luckily J's OCD stuff was less

and he was going to community college at that time and really seemed to

be beginning to flourish. Of course I was wrapped up with caretaking Mom

so my recollection of those times probably aren't accurate. T

>

Do you know if your husband has BPD?

I have to smile at this. This man is so emotionally even he's almost

flatline. : ) Not saying that's healthy but that's him.

(J just got up to go to the BR, I cam hear him tapping the toilet seat.)

>

> Thanks for the book suggestion, I'll look into it.

Judy

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow you have been through the wringer. Sounds like everyone is taking a breather

and I sure can't blame any of you! Maybe you and Dad could trade time in the

camper?? (Not totally joking!) Don't give up; you'll get your wind back.

Rhonda

Re: 19 yr old son with OCD exacerbation

>

> Judy - that is good to hear that your son's r'ship with Dad is still

solid. Could he go live with Dad equal to time with you?

No, he can't live with his Dad, even tho that would be ideal. At least

not right now. The Dad has chosen to live in our travel trailer that

barely has room for 2 people sleeping in the same bed. Definitely not

room enough for a Dad and his adult son. I am brainstorming ways that

that could happen.

Background on homelife: at the time The Dad moved out it was right

around the 1st anniv of my mothers death who I had moved into an

assisted living in my town so that I could oversee her care after a

stroke. I had too many balls in the air (fixer), I have

depression(treated) but the year after her death was really difficult.

Our home was not an easy place to be. Luckily J's OCD stuff was less

and he was going to community college at that time and really seemed to

be beginning to flourish. Of course I was wrapped up with caretaking Mom

so my recollection of those times probably aren't accurate. T

>

Do you know if your husband has BPD?

I have to smile at this. This man is so emotionally even he's almost

flatline. : ) Not saying that's healthy but that's him.

(J just got up to go to the BR, I cam hear him tapping the toilet seat.)

>

> Thanks for the book suggestion, I'll look into it.

Judy

>

>

[

[Guest guest]

Thank you Barb for that amazing response! It is the challange as our kids get

older to hand the ball over to them- it is just REALLY hard to do. I know I

struggle with it daily as I watch my almost 16 year old make bad decisions

around his OCD by pretending it is not there. I still intervene with school and

things and try to get him to do exposures but more and more do have to let him

do it on his own. He made it through finals and did great AND chose to use his

testing accomidations for Algebra ( some of you may remember the cheating

episode at midterms due to perfectionism issues), so I am proud of him that he

is FIANLLY using some of the stuff we have in place at school. After taking his

exam in the library with the 504 lady to " help him " through getting stuck he

told me " mom, you never would believe the kids who take the exam in the library-

like kids you know-and would never think needed to….. " Starting to get some

perspective. I guess our job as parents is to teach them the skills to fight

OCD, teach self advocacy without using it as a crutch or an excuse, and be thre

to support them then begin to hand it over.

I am great at the first stuff- not so goo at handing stuff over, but working on

it- Barb your post hit home so thanks again

[Guest guest]

Thanks . Sometimes I feel like I am doing " nothing " , or taking the easy

route, and that would certainly be understandable, there is a fatigue level

that's reached with it all. Then I catch myself wanting to move in and start

pushing things, and recognize I need to maybe nudge or ask if help is wanted,

but not take it on. So, I can reassure myself I haven't stopped " doing "

anything, it's now my job to find a supportive role, as our son finds his way.

It IS a much more peaceful place to live

That's really great that your son is using the accommodations and seeing others

that he knows, gaining perspective. That's pretty huge for a teen! They so

don't want to stand out and be different. I did find I had to push ours at 16,

maturity started to kick in at 17, and got incrementally better every year.

Remember waking up at some point and realizing the constant

yelling/rudeness/selfishness had stopped, and there seemed to be quite a

civilized person living in our house

Barb

>

> Thank you Barb for that amazing response! It is the challange as our kids get

older to hand the ball over to them- it is just REALLY hard to do. I know I

struggle with it daily as I watch my almost 16 year old make bad decisions

around his OCD by pretending it is not there. I still intervene with school and

things and try to get him to do exposures but more and more do have to let him

do it on his own. He made it through finals and did great AND chose to use his

testing accomidations for Algebra ( some of you may remember the cheating

episode at midterms due to perfectionism issues), so I am proud of him that he

is FIANLLY using some of the stuff we have in place at school. After taking his

exam in the library with the 504 lady to " help him " through getting stuck he

told me " mom, you never would believe the kids who take the exam in the library-

like kids you know-and would never think needed to….. " Starting to get some

perspective. I guess our job as parents is to teach them the skills to fight

OCD, teach self advocacy without using it as a crutch or an excuse, and be thre

to support them then begin to hand it over.

>

> I am great at the first stuff- not so goo at handing stuff over, but working

on it- Barb your post hit home so thanks again

>

[Guest guest]

>

> . Then I catch myself wanting to move in and start pushing things, and

recognize I need to maybe nudge or ask if help is wanted, but not take it on.

So, I can reassure myself I haven't stopped " doing " anything, it's now my job to

find a supportive role, as our son finds his way. It IS a much more peaceful

place to live

>

>

Yes, that's the hard part, knowing what's enough, what's too much. Our job as

parents has always been to let them walk their path with safe and loving

boundaries.

I sometimes fall into the too narrow boundaries with way too many expectations.

Way too many expectations.

Judy