Re: 19 yr old son with OCD exacerbation

[Guest guest]

Barb,

This is so right on and so beautifully expressed. Our 19 year olds have had to

go through (and will continue to encounter) a lot of life's big adult " firsts "

in a short period of time. I did a lot of pushing and then finally realized that

" potential " is a dirty word. He is entitled to his own journey, however

zig-zagged it may be. I try to convey that I love him and just want him to be

healthy and happy and it's easier to transmit that supportive feeling now that I

really believe it. The only nagging I do now is to remind him to keep up the

ERP, and he realizes that I do that because I want him to stay healthy and

happy.

Ok, maybe I do a little more nagging...

Your response to Judy is one I will re-read from time to time. Thank you for

writing it.

M

> >

> >

> > > I can say that from our experience of it, a lot of it comes down to

> > maturity. I have seen ours find his way, slowly. He has to be the one

> > to decide, and in his own time. Forever is a long time. That's how

> > long these kids will have this disorder. I know that sounds negative,

> > but it's the truth. From their perspective, who wants to get out of bed

> > and face it?It's not negative, it's reality. I had lulled myself into

> > thinking he had this licked and was really knocked for a loop when it

> > ramped up. The Dad has also said many time, " There's a lot of wiring

> > that happens in a young man's mind between the ages of 18-22. He's just

> > not done yet.

> > Here's where my Super Fix-It Mom comes in and it is so difficult for me

> > to hold back and celebrate the baby steps without pushing for more. My T

> > told me just last week that I need to pay more attention to what is

> > going right, drop the timeline I have have in my head and just roll with

> > it a bit more than I have been.

> > His recovery does have to come from him.

> > > > That your son is going to his doctor, taking his medication, and

> > willing to go to the conference; sure sounds motivated to be well!!!Yes,

> > and that needs to top my gratitude list every day. Thanks for the

> > reminder. I think I'm grieving again. We all go through the grief of

> > losing the " perfect " child when we get the initial diagnosis and now I'm

> > grieving the loss of the " recovered " child. I'm now realizing this is a

> > continuum.

> >

> > > Ours sleeps in, does little outside the house, no friends, life is

> > limited. However, he is no longer unhappy, more in a holding pattern,

> > and/or slowly, incrementally moving forward. From the outside looking

> > in, and judged by the standard of a typical 20yr old, he would be a sad

> > case indeed. However, he has finished high school, well almost, one

> > course to finish - this, for him is amazing! He doesn't seem to really

> > care, doesn't think it is something to be proud of, but he is judging

> > from outside standard. This pretty well describes J, too. I think I

> > need to print that paragraph out and put it on my BR mirror.

> > >

> > > What has worked for me, is letting go of any attachment to outcomes or

> > end points. It's a long life. He'll get there - where ever there is.

> > I can't see the magic formula that will get him from here to there, but

> > I know he is able. It IS up to HIM, not me. I " simply " support the

> > process, and try not to lose my own mind along the way :)Yes, yes, yes!

> > >

> > > So, for our kids, with the OCD attached, and whatever else, it is one

> > more thing - a very big thing - to have to drag along in the process.

> > It's no wonder really that they don't want to move. When moving

> > generally means forced exposure, which means they suffer, which causes

> > them to not even want to look ahead, because it means considering how

> > they are going to jump through all the hoops the OCD might throw at

> > them, not to mention the anxiety that comes up with thinking about doing

> > anything. I haven't given this enough respect because " he had beaten

> > OCD " >

> > Thing is, if we are stressed about it, that is the message we send them

> > - what are you DOING???, HOW are you doing to get anywhere??? You must

> > be a fly on the wall at our house. > > Ok, so as usual I have given a

> > long winded post - it's as much for me as you!! I hope something in

> > there is useful to you. Mostly just wanted you to know you are not

> > alone wondering " what now? " , and feeling tired of it all. I'm right

> > there with you girl!! :)Believe me, it was welcome. I've read it several

> > times and am sure I will read it several more.

> > Thanks!

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi M,

Thanks for responding. I sometimes get carried away, ok, maybe most of the time

get carried away and write long posts. They are kind of cathartic for me. Good

to remind ourselves that we are " doing " something, just by backing off and

letting them find their way.

It's tougher to back off with the ERP, and often critical not to. We've reached

the stage now where we are somewhat waiting our son out, knowing he knows what

to do, but needs time and lots of lee-way. Letting life bring about the

exposures, so nudging to participate more. I find the internal and external

motivators are the key - if it is something they want to do, they will find a

way to step over the OCD, or just drag it along.

Good luck with the not nagging!! Let me know if you master that Kind of

think it goes with the territory of being a parent. Almost think it's expected,

isn't it??

Warmly,

Barb

>

> Barb,

>

> This is so right on and so beautifully expressed. Our 19 year olds have had to

go through (and will continue to encounter) a lot of life's big adult " firsts "

in a short period of time. I did a lot of pushing and then finally realized that

" potential " is a dirty word. He is entitled to his own journey, however

zig-zagged it may be. I try to convey that I love him and just want him to be

healthy and happy and it's easier to transmit that supportive feeling now that I

really believe it. The only nagging I do now is to remind him to keep up the

ERP, and he realizes that I do that because I want him to stay healthy and

happy.

>

> Ok, maybe I do a little more nagging...

>

> Your response to Judy is one I will re-read from time to time. Thank you for

writing it.

>

> M

>