Threatening punishments to control behavior

[Guest guest]

Hi,

My 4 1/2 year old is struggling terribly and it seems like some OCD and big

problems with emotional regulation.

Every time she goes potty OCD makes her feel she needs to go again - she doesn't

but she spends anywhere from a few minutes to an hour struggling, flailing,

crying and screaming about it. It can be quite dramatic - coming into the

hallway, dropping to the ground, and screaming and flailing.

She also has so much trouble when we have to get her out of the house - first

she goes potty and it starts (though I'm having her go potty 1/2 hour before we

need to leave to allow for fusses) but then she's anxious and fussing/crying

about every little thing until we leave. Getting her to school in the morning

is awful - I spend the whole time working on her to try to keep her from

spinning out of control. It's awful for her and for my other 2 girls.

We've seeing a psychologist and it's not helping. The psychologist has taught

her some breathing exercises and reassures her alot, but it's not making a

difference. I'm looking for a new one.

The one thing that seems to help move her along when she's anxious these days is

threats. When she starts fussing in the mornings I tell her I'll call her

teacher to say we're not coming and that will move her along, though I can tell

she's still terribly anxious. She's anxious the whole way to school and she's

terribly shaky at drop off, but she comes out every day saying she had a great

time.

Tonight we came home from a block party and after she went potty she spent about

an hour screaming at the top of her lungs and kicking while my husband tried to

calm her and I was on the other girls. Then I went into her room and said that

I won't take her to the next block party if they make her behave this way and

she quieted down and got in bed, but she was still terribly anxious and shaky.

Is this kosher or am I on the wrong track? I honestly don't know what else to

do if we're ever going to get out of the house. I know something is really

wrong because I can tell my daughter is suffering even when my threats make her

moderate her behavior a bit, but I'm hoping that forcing more moderate behavior

will help her.

I'd appreciate any inputs you guys have on this.

Thanks

[Guest guest]

Well, my thoughts are that if threatening the punishment is helping to get her

unstuck, and break through her outbursts, so she calms down, then that's what

I'd do too. Shows she does have some control once you can get her attention.

I remember when my oldest son was young, around that age, he occasionally would

get upset and it was like he was " zoned out " while in his tantrum. So it's

either let them tire themselves out with it or find a way to " break through " and

get their attention to where they listen and are aware and start to calm down a

bit.

used to " get stuck " in some compulsions/rituals and with some I learned

that prompting him go get him " unstuck. " Not always. In his situation it was

prompting by saying things like " get your socks on " or " we leave in 15 minutes "

or " quit tracing, move on " ...where it seemd to get him moving/unstuck. I could

see me doing as you are with consequences if it worked to break the outbursts,

get them to start calming themselves.

It's sort of trial & error sometimes. With OCD we know that it's the OCD

causing it, and don't want to punish them for something that is out of their

control, but I think we can try to regulate how they react in some situations

(like we don't allow hitting, throwing, maybe remove themselves to their

rooms...).

Just some quick thoughts, you're doing great!

>

> Hi,

>

> My 4 1/2 year old is struggling terribly and it seems like some OCD and big

problems with emotional regulation.

>

> Every time she goes potty OCD makes her feel she needs to go again - she

doesn't but she spends anywhere from a few minutes to an hour struggling,

flailing, crying and screaming about it. It can be quite dramatic - coming into

the hallway, dropping to the ground, and screaming and flailing.

>

[Guest guest]

I think the consequences should be explained before the negative behavior.

Expectations and consequences for bad choices should be spelled out during a

calm time. A reminder should be given just prior to the behavior. Then stick

to your guns about the consequences. What do you do when she has the tantrum?

I would ignore them completely unless you think she'll harm herself. If you

think she'll harm herself, then sit quietly near her without verbal interaction

or even eye contact. When she's calm, give her a hug, but stick with the

consequences. You'll quickly be able to see how much self-control she has, but

be warned that the first time you ignore her, she might scream louder until she

realizes that you are not reacting to it. I know the behavior doesn't start out

intentional. However, I think that just as when you oay attention to your

fears, they persist, so is the case for tantrums and other negative behaviors.

Hope it gets better

Bonnie

>

> Hi,

>

> My 4 1/2 year old is struggling terribly and it seems like some OCD and big

problems with emotional regulation.

>

> Every time she goes potty OCD makes her feel she needs to go again - she

doesn't but she spends anywhere from a few minutes to an hour struggling,

flailing, crying and screaming about it. It can be quite dramatic - coming into

the hallway, dropping to the ground, and screaming and flailing.

>

> She also has so much trouble when we have to get her out of the house - first

she goes potty and it starts (though I'm having her go potty 1/2 hour before we

need to leave to allow for fusses) but then she's anxious and fussing/crying

about every little thing until we leave. Getting her to school in the morning

is awful - I spend the whole time working on her to try to keep her from

spinning out of control. It's awful for her and for my other 2 girls.

>

> We've seeing a psychologist and it's not helping. The psychologist has taught

her some breathing exercises and reassures her alot, but it's not making a

difference. I'm looking for a new one.

>

> The one thing that seems to help move her along when she's anxious these days

is threats. When she starts fussing in the mornings I tell her I'll call her

teacher to say we're not coming and that will move her along, though I can tell

she's still terribly anxious. She's anxious the whole way to school and she's

terribly shaky at drop off, but she comes out every day saying she had a great

time.

>

> Tonight we came home from a block party and after she went potty she spent

about an hour screaming at the top of her lungs and kicking while my husband

tried to calm her and I was on the other girls. Then I went into her room and

said that I won't take her to the next block party if they make her behave this

way and she quieted down and got in bed, but she was still terribly anxious and

shaky.

>

> Is this kosher or am I on the wrong track? I honestly don't know what else to

do if we're ever going to get out of the house. I know something is really

wrong because I can tell my daughter is suffering even when my threats make her

moderate her behavior a bit, but I'm hoping that forcing more moderate behavior

will help her.

>

> I'd appreciate any inputs you guys have on this.

>

> Thanks

>