Guest guest Posted July 28, 2012 Report Share Posted July 28, 2012 Rhonda, I totally get where you are coming from. I've had to deal with a similar situation with a therapist for my son in the past and it was beyond frustrating. I am totally with you. Your husband sounds similar to mine, who btw is soon to be my ex. Sure there are dynamics between spouses that affect our kids, no one is disputing that, but in this type of situation when you are dealing with OCD and especially since there is a lot of issues surrounding your son's OCD with his dad, I completely agree that the focus should be on your son and his dad's relationship, not your marriage. Marriage counseling surely won't hurt anyone, but the priority right now is to get your son the right therapy, and marriage counseling is not what your son needs, Sorry, I just get SO frustrated when I hear therapists trying to pull this type of crap because I've been in your shoes and now how infuriating it can be! > Getting a little more serious here, son's therapist asked if his dad and I could come in to do a little counseling without son, to see how son's home experience could be improved. I have shared several times on this board how uninvolved dad is in our home and children's lives. Dad says it is because I have turned children against him, and because I do not tell children they should just put up with Dad and still be nice to him no matter what (he doesn't say it like that!). > > Children tell me they do not like Dad's unfriendly, disapproving ways and how Dad ignores them (BP families know what I mean.) > > Counselor is going in direction of giving dad and I " marriage counseling, " as in, how to get along better, rather than going with helping dad and son get along better. She will continue to do therapy with son alone, but when she's working with dad, she thinks it should be on the marriage. > > I'm not really seeing this helping son at all. Dad is not going to budge, or try anything she suggests (so far, he hasn't from first session). Do you agree and if so, how do I move therapist toward helping dad work with son rather than me? > > thanks, as always, > Rhonda > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2012 Report Share Posted July 28, 2012 Totally get this. My Dh has BP. So happy one day and all neg another day, or flip flopping all day long. Will get worse once he goes back to work. My dh does not get along with Roy. Roy states he is CONTROLLING!!!!!! Would like to control Roy's every move/decision. Negative, critical, inconsistent with moods. Other sons go along or ignore but Roy does not stand for it and always stands up for himself Main problem is even when he is in a good mood, roy doesn't trust him b/c he can flip on a dime. Actually, Roy's pdoc told Roy to leave the room and talked to me individually. Asked if I had thought of leaving dh. Kind of caught me by surprise but pdoc is pretty direct that way. Anyway, I told him I couldn't get him to get help. He always said he doesn't have to change and the kids need to adjust to him. I told him dh will not listen to me but listens to his bro and prob. would listen to the pdoc if he told him to get help. I made an appt. for dh to talk to pdoc and he showed up for it. Pdoc made the appt right there for him to see his own pdoc and recommended he get his own therapy. Miracles do happen. He is now seeing a therapist and a pdoc. Now that he is working on himself, Roy is willing to have him come in and work with him on the relationship. If the trigger is the relationship between the dh and son, wouldn't she want to focus on that? In our case, it is pretty blatant that dh is a huge trigger for the OCD. Every time he is in the room with pdoc, you could cut the tension with a knife. If you could point out that husband is trigger, maybe that would help. Is your son willing to have dh come in. Roy resisted it for a long time b/c felt dh would turn on him once he left session. Again, huge trust issue. in WI=55 roy-17. ocd, depression, anxiety, add. dh-58. bp, add. > > Getting a little more serious here, son's therapist asked if his dad and I could come in to do a little counseling without son, to see how son's home experience could be improved. I have shared several times on this board how uninvolved dad is in our home and children's lives. Dad says it is because I have turned children against him, and because I do not tell children they should just put up with Dad and still be nice to him no matter what (he doesn't say it like that!). > > Children tell me they do not like Dad's unfriendly, disapproving ways and how Dad ignores them (BP families know what I mean.) > > Counselor is going in direction of giving dad and I " marriage counseling, " as in, how to get along better, rather than going with helping dad and son get along better. She will continue to do therapy with son alone, but when she's working with dad, she thinks it should be on the marriage. > > I'm not really seeing this helping son at all. Dad is not going to budge, or try anything she suggests (so far, he hasn't from first session). Do you agree and if so, how do I move therapist toward helping dad work with son rather than me? > > thanks, as always, > Rhonda > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2012 Report Share Posted July 28, 2012 Totally get this. My Dh has BP. So happy one day and all neg another day, or flip flopping all day long. Will get worse once he goes back to work. My dh does not get along with Roy. Roy states he is CONTROLLING!!!!!! Would like to control Roy's every move/decision. Negative, critical, inconsistent with moods. Other sons go along or ignore but Roy does not stand for it and always stands up for himself Main problem is even when he is in a good mood, roy doesn't trust him b/c he can flip on a dime. Actually, Roy's pdoc told Roy to leave the room and talked to me individually. Asked if I had thought of leaving dh. Kind of caught me by surprise but pdoc is pretty direct that way. Anyway, I told him I couldn't get him to get help. He always said he doesn't have to change and the kids need to adjust to him. I told him dh will not listen to me but listens to his bro and prob. would listen to the pdoc if he told him to get help. I made an appt. for dh to talk to pdoc and he showed up for it. Pdoc made the appt right there for him to see his own pdoc and recommended he get his own therapy. Miracles do happen. He is now seeing a therapist and a pdoc. Now that he is working on himself, Roy is willing to have him come in and work with him on the relationship. If the trigger is the relationship between the dh and son, wouldn't she want to focus on that? In our case, it is pretty blatant that dh is a huge trigger for the OCD. Every time he is in the room with pdoc, you could cut the tension with a knife. If you could point out that husband is trigger, maybe that would help. Is your son willing to have dh come in. Roy resisted it for a long time b/c felt dh would turn on him once he left session. Again, huge trust issue. in WI=55 roy-17. ocd, depression, anxiety, add. dh-58. bp, add. > > Getting a little more serious here, son's therapist asked if his dad and I could come in to do a little counseling without son, to see how son's home experience could be improved. I have shared several times on this board how uninvolved dad is in our home and children's lives. Dad says it is because I have turned children against him, and because I do not tell children they should just put up with Dad and still be nice to him no matter what (he doesn't say it like that!). > > Children tell me they do not like Dad's unfriendly, disapproving ways and how Dad ignores them (BP families know what I mean.) > > Counselor is going in direction of giving dad and I " marriage counseling, " as in, how to get along better, rather than going with helping dad and son get along better. She will continue to do therapy with son alone, but when she's working with dad, she thinks it should be on the marriage. > > I'm not really seeing this helping son at all. Dad is not going to budge, or try anything she suggests (so far, he hasn't from first session). Do you agree and if so, how do I move therapist toward helping dad work with son rather than me? > > thanks, as always, > Rhonda > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2012 Report Share Posted July 28, 2012 Hi Rhonda, Hmmmm... I'm thinking there is a conflict of interest here. Isn't there a professional protocol that a therapist cannot treat more than one family member? Unless the focus stays on family dynamics as it pertains to your son and the OCD, perhaps. I would think that any such therapy should involve the whole family, so you all are at the appointment. Or would that be too threatening for you son? Any separating out and doing private therapy, with the same therapist, I would see as a conflict of interest, and crossing personal boundaries on privacy. My husband and I have a good relationship, or at least WE think we do , and when the OCD walked in our door it just about shredded all of us. Professional involvement further fractured relationships rather than helped. Somewhat the nature of having OCD taking over your household... Unless you have professionals who really know what they are doing, working family dynamics as it applies to the OCD, I would be pretty hesitant. Even in marriage counselling, when one member presents with issues that need addressing, private counselling is recommended. I would push for this, personally. But if he is not willing, I guess your current counselor is working the only angle left, perhaps? Probably acting in good faith, but still, don't think I'd feel comfortable with this. Even the best marriage cannot " fix " something that is a personal issue, if professional help is indicated. Do you think your son has told this therapist something about your relationship that has caused her to turn the focus to marriage counseling? Might even be an OCD fear of you divorcing? Just a thought. I would take it up with her directly, asking her what her intent is, and telling her you don't see the point, or whatever. If you would be ok with the focus being parental relationship, as it is tied to dealing with the OCD, tell her this, and then hold her to staying on track with this. Ask her about family counselling too. And private for your husband, but with someone else. Last thought, get some supportive counselling for yourself - with someone else!! Of course we are all here for that too! Warmly, Barb > > Getting a little more serious here, son's therapist asked if his dad and I could come in to do a little counseling without son, to see how son's home experience could be improved. I have shared several times on this board how uninvolved dad is in our home and children's lives. Dad says it is because I have turned children against him, and because I do not tell children they should just put up with Dad and still be nice to him no matter what (he doesn't say it like that!). > > > > Children tell me they do not like Dad's unfriendly, disapproving ways and how Dad ignores them (BP families know what I mean.) > > > > Counselor is going in direction of giving dad and I " marriage counseling, " as in, how to get along better, rather than going with helping dad and son get along better. She will continue to do therapy with son alone, but when she's working with dad, she thinks it should be on the marriage. > > > > I'm not really seeing this helping son at all. Dad is not going to budge, or try anything she suggests (so far, he hasn't from first session). Do you agree and if so, how do I move therapist toward helping dad work with son rather than me? > > > > thanks, as always, > > Rhonda > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2012 Report Share Posted July 28, 2012 Hi Rhonda, Hmmmm... I'm thinking there is a conflict of interest here. Isn't there a professional protocol that a therapist cannot treat more than one family member? Unless the focus stays on family dynamics as it pertains to your son and the OCD, perhaps. I would think that any such therapy should involve the whole family, so you all are at the appointment. Or would that be too threatening for you son? Any separating out and doing private therapy, with the same therapist, I would see as a conflict of interest, and crossing personal boundaries on privacy. My husband and I have a good relationship, or at least WE think we do , and when the OCD walked in our door it just about shredded all of us. Professional involvement further fractured relationships rather than helped. Somewhat the nature of having OCD taking over your household... Unless you have professionals who really know what they are doing, working family dynamics as it applies to the OCD, I would be pretty hesitant. Even in marriage counselling, when one member presents with issues that need addressing, private counselling is recommended. I would push for this, personally. But if he is not willing, I guess your current counselor is working the only angle left, perhaps? Probably acting in good faith, but still, don't think I'd feel comfortable with this. Even the best marriage cannot " fix " something that is a personal issue, if professional help is indicated. Do you think your son has told this therapist something about your relationship that has caused her to turn the focus to marriage counseling? Might even be an OCD fear of you divorcing? Just a thought. I would take it up with her directly, asking her what her intent is, and telling her you don't see the point, or whatever. If you would be ok with the focus being parental relationship, as it is tied to dealing with the OCD, tell her this, and then hold her to staying on track with this. Ask her about family counselling too. And private for your husband, but with someone else. Last thought, get some supportive counselling for yourself - with someone else!! Of course we are all here for that too! Warmly, Barb > > Getting a little more serious here, son's therapist asked if his dad and I could come in to do a little counseling without son, to see how son's home experience could be improved. I have shared several times on this board how uninvolved dad is in our home and children's lives. Dad says it is because I have turned children against him, and because I do not tell children they should just put up with Dad and still be nice to him no matter what (he doesn't say it like that!). > > > > Children tell me they do not like Dad's unfriendly, disapproving ways and how Dad ignores them (BP families know what I mean.) > > > > Counselor is going in direction of giving dad and I " marriage counseling, " as in, how to get along better, rather than going with helping dad and son get along better. She will continue to do therapy with son alone, but when she's working with dad, she thinks it should be on the marriage. > > > > I'm not really seeing this helping son at all. Dad is not going to budge, or try anything she suggests (so far, he hasn't from first session). Do you agree and if so, how do I move therapist toward helping dad work with son rather than me? > > > > thanks, as always, > > Rhonda > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2012 Report Share Posted July 29, 2012 If it could help your marriage AND your son, it sounds like it could be a great thing, so why not try a few sessions? advice on counseling Getting a little more serious here, son's therapist asked if his dad and I could come in to do a little counseling without son, to see how son's home experience could be improved. I have shared several times on this board how uninvolved dad is in our home and children's lives. Dad says it is because I have turned children against him, and because I do not tell children they should just put up with Dad and still be nice to him no matter what (he doesn't say it like that!). Children tell me they do not like Dad's unfriendly, disapproving ways and how Dad ignores them (BP families know what I mean.) Counselor is going in direction of giving dad and I " marriage counseling, " as in, how to get along better, rather than going with helping dad and son get along better. She will continue to do therapy with son alone, but when she's working with dad, she thinks it should be on the marriage. I'm not really seeing this helping son at all. Dad is not going to budge, or try anything she suggests (so far, he hasn't from first session). Do you agree and if so, how do I move therapist toward helping dad work with son rather than me? thanks, as always, Rhonda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2012 Report Share Posted July 29, 2012 Hmmm...tell therapist to work with Dad on relationship with son in that OCD (which son has, even tho better) is triggered by anxiety and stress and dad needs to " approach son " (with words/attitude) in a way that won't trigger his OCD, cause it to spike back up.... OCD still so recent that could easily happen. That dad working on relationship/home experience with son would be more likely to get dad on board than telling him to change with whole family.... (brainstorming here) Really, if you can get him to work on it with 1 family member and he has some success, may carry over to the rest! Have to say I used to tell my kids to do that " put up with/ignore " about my mom, whom we lived with; that she was just 'like that' and to ignore. BUT that wouldn't work in all situations, just if she was being critical, making comments.... Maybe with dad if he would agree to say one nice or complimentary thing to each family member a day, even just a " thank you " for passing him something at a meal...you know, something simple that may not be said often; or a " good job " ; or if he were going to kitchen to get him a drink/something, he asked if anyone else wanted one, get them one too.... Just something nice/new each day. Again, brainstorming.... > > Getting a little more serious here, son's therapist asked if his dad and I could come in to do a little counseling without son, to see how son's home experience could be improved. I have shared several times on this board how uninvolved dad is in our home and children's lives. Dad says it is because I have turned children against him, and because I do not tell children they should just put up with Dad and still be nice to him no matter what (he doesn't say it like that!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2012 Report Share Posted July 29, 2012 Hmmm...tell therapist to work with Dad on relationship with son in that OCD (which son has, even tho better) is triggered by anxiety and stress and dad needs to " approach son " (with words/attitude) in a way that won't trigger his OCD, cause it to spike back up.... OCD still so recent that could easily happen. That dad working on relationship/home experience with son would be more likely to get dad on board than telling him to change with whole family.... (brainstorming here) Really, if you can get him to work on it with 1 family member and he has some success, may carry over to the rest! Have to say I used to tell my kids to do that " put up with/ignore " about my mom, whom we lived with; that she was just 'like that' and to ignore. BUT that wouldn't work in all situations, just if she was being critical, making comments.... Maybe with dad if he would agree to say one nice or complimentary thing to each family member a day, even just a " thank you " for passing him something at a meal...you know, something simple that may not be said often; or a " good job " ; or if he were going to kitchen to get him a drink/something, he asked if anyone else wanted one, get them one too.... Just something nice/new each day. Again, brainstorming.... > > Getting a little more serious here, son's therapist asked if his dad and I could come in to do a little counseling without son, to see how son's home experience could be improved. I have shared several times on this board how uninvolved dad is in our home and children's lives. Dad says it is because I have turned children against him, and because I do not tell children they should just put up with Dad and still be nice to him no matter what (he doesn't say it like that!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2012 Report Share Posted July 29, 2012 Oh Rhonda this sounds hard. If it makes you feel better, my husband and I go for counseling separate from my son's social work sessions. There is plenty of impact on the family dealing with a child's OCD and a good counselor can help the parents adjust to that. We don't mind getting marriage advice even though we think we are doing okay- so many of our friends and relatives have gotten divorced that we take nothing for granted... we will take any good counsel we can get. But if you feel unfairly targeted by this therapist you may look somewhere else for support for yourself (whether it is a professional or not). Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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