Re: even moderators need help sometimes

[Guest guest]

Becky, I don't think you are teaching him to run away.  I think you are

teaching him that it is not okay for people to treat him like that.  My son

used to be bullied all the time, too, so myheart goes out to him and you. 

There was nothing wrong with him that I could see, but yet he was targeted all

the time.  Two things really helped my also, mildly athletic son.  Enrolling

in taekwondo was amazing for him.  He held himself differently or something

changed.  Confidence just kind of oozed out of him and he got a more commanding

voice.  A few months after starting, the bullying stopped.  He stayed in in

for 2 years and would have stayed for more, but we moved.

 

The second thing is he joined the cross country team.  Talk about a nice group

of kids ... and everyone I talk to has said the same thing.  At our school,

anyway, it tends to be a very social group of kids who are a social group among

their own.  They do lots of things together and seem to very extremely

accepting.  Does your son have any interest in running?  Perhaps he could go

to some running camps this summer to prepare for the season?  Those are

just some of my thoughts.

 

Good luck with your decision.  

in WA 

________________________________

To:

Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 6:30 AM

Subject: even moderators need help sometimes

 

Hi all,

We moved from small town North Dakota last summer to get my son away from

bullying. He was suicidal and I actually homeschooled him last year and then we

decided we needed to get him out of the community. I also needed to leave the

community as I had filed a complaint against our school district with the Office

of Civil Rights. So we now are in a town of 70,000 and my kids are at a small

Christian, private school. Well, I feel like we are back where we started in

that the bullying exists just as much at this private school as it did back

home. My son gets hit, poked with mechanical pencils, verbally harassed,

physically harassed, etc. He has told people to stop. I have involved the

administrator. Some stuff has gotten better, some has not. Nick is a 9th grade

excellent student. He is friendly and outgoing, he is compassionate, his

teachers love him and consider him an asset to the school. He is only mildly

athletic (sports are pretty important

at our school). I'm thinking about switching him to the huge public highschool

here next fall. We are touring it Thursday morning. He doesn't want to leave

the small school and he thinks he can help affect change, however, I think the

school is too far behind with regards to dealing with bullying. I had some red

flags before we started the school from various people in the community, but I

just believed they had an axe to grind against private school. The school has

many cliques, even amongst the parents.

Nick is easily irritated. He doesn't want to be punched, poked, jostled, etc.

He loves people but he has short fuse for this stuff. He is now 6'1 " and he is

not taking this stuff " lying down. " While I don't blame him for lashing out,

he's not helping the situation. One parent I confronted said, " Nick is a very

physical boy and she had seen him grab a kid by the neck at her house. " When I

asked Nick about it, he said the kid he grabbed had already hit him 3-4 times

and the mom hadn't seen that. Nick is not a liar and is not a mean kid. Every

time he physically does something to a kid, he comes home and tells me about it,

what led up to it, etc.

Am I teaching him to run away from situations if we try another school? I'm

going to run out of options. Many kids have left this school BTW for bullying

reasons. Other kids come to the private school because they have been bullied.

Why can't kids keep their damn hands to themselves? I've had it. I want to go

" postal " on these kids myself.

Anyway, scheduled counseling appts. for both him and me next week. His

counselor that I previously arranged for him to see is a specialist in OCD and

he didn't think there was any problem with how Nick wss handling the bullying.

He doesn't see Nick all worked up and mad at home. Nick is not dealing with it

well.

Guess I need support till I can get into a counselor next week.

I don't understand why Nick is a target for this behavior. Sometimes I'm just

so depressed and wonder what I did wrong in raising him to be a victim.

Thanks group,

Becky in N.D.

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky,

First of all, I am so sorry Nick is going through this. I do not feel you are

teaching him to run away from situations if you try another option. I think you

are teaching him that he is important and deserves better then what that school

provides. You are teaching him that you care about his well being.

If you made him stick it out at that school where he is being physically and

emotionally harassed, would you wonder if you were teaching him that he deserves

to be treated like that? That life has no options? Think if this way, if it

were you in the workplace getting bullied by co-workers or your boss, would you

just stick it out or would you try to find another job?

Also, I think your wondering what you did wrong in " raising him to be a victim "

is really faulty thinking. Bullying is all over the newspapers...it is a

national problem. It isn't about the way you raised him. You give too much

credit to the children bullying him for actually having a reason to do so. Your

son is being failed by his school, by his school's teachers, and by his school's

administration. If this is private school, it sounds like you may actually be

paying for a school environment where bullying can flourish. How can a child

learn when he doesn't feel safe?

I assume homeschooling didn't work out for you?

Stop beating yourself up and follow your gut.

> Am I teaching him to run away from situations if we try another school?

> I don't understand why Nick is a target for this behavior. Sometimes I'm just

so depressed and wonder what I did wrong in raising him to be a victim.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky,

First of all, I am so sorry Nick is going through this. I do not feel you are

teaching him to run away from situations if you try another option. I think you

are teaching him that he is important and deserves better then what that school

provides. You are teaching him that you care about his well being.

If you made him stick it out at that school where he is being physically and

emotionally harassed, would you wonder if you were teaching him that he deserves

to be treated like that? That life has no options? Think if this way, if it

were you in the workplace getting bullied by co-workers or your boss, would you

just stick it out or would you try to find another job?

Also, I think your wondering what you did wrong in " raising him to be a victim "

is really faulty thinking. Bullying is all over the newspapers...it is a

national problem. It isn't about the way you raised him. You give too much

credit to the children bullying him for actually having a reason to do so. Your

son is being failed by his school, by his school's teachers, and by his school's

administration. If this is private school, it sounds like you may actually be

paying for a school environment where bullying can flourish. How can a child

learn when he doesn't feel safe?

I assume homeschooling didn't work out for you?

Stop beating yourself up and follow your gut.

> Am I teaching him to run away from situations if we try another school?

> I don't understand why Nick is a target for this behavior. Sometimes I'm just

so depressed and wonder what I did wrong in raising him to be a victim.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ,

Homeschooling went okay. He learned fine. It was just too stressful for me.

He is gifted in math and he is just too smart for me. I have a four year degree

but I excel in the english and humanities. He's more math and science oriented.

Besides, it was anxiety provoking for me. I want him to be prepared for college

and I was constantly worried that I wasn't teaching him enough. Also, he is

very social and needs to be around people. Since his OCD is mostly controlled

with meds and he' stable, I need a healthy break from him (and my other kids

during the day) I finally am able to do some things for myself while my kids

are at school, like go to the YMCA and exercise, do morning Bible Study. I'm an

advocate for homeschooling, I just can't do it.

Thanks for the encouragement.

> I assume homeschooling didn't work out for you?

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ,

Homeschooling went okay. He learned fine. It was just too stressful for me.

He is gifted in math and he is just too smart for me. I have a four year degree

but I excel in the english and humanities. He's more math and science oriented.

Besides, it was anxiety provoking for me. I want him to be prepared for college

and I was constantly worried that I wasn't teaching him enough. Also, he is

very social and needs to be around people. Since his OCD is mostly controlled

with meds and he' stable, I need a healthy break from him (and my other kids

during the day) I finally am able to do some things for myself while my kids

are at school, like go to the YMCA and exercise, do morning Bible Study. I'm an

advocate for homeschooling, I just can't do it.

Thanks for the encouragement.

> I assume homeschooling didn't work out for you?

>

[Guest guest]

I have 12 year old twins. Both have OCD, but my daughter also has trich

(compulsive hair pulling) and her OCD was worse than my son's when she was in

elementary school. Since she had very short scraggly hair from the hair pulling

and was very different from the others with her crying and fears, she got

labeled as weird and she has never been able to rise above it even though she is

doing really well and has long hair. I have finally decided to put her in a

private school either next year or definitely for high school because being

ostracized has made her feel so badly about herself and she is so lonely at

school. She does have some friends, but most others are so disgusting to her by

leaving her out and ignoring her or just being mean that I know she needs a

fresh start.

Re: even moderators need help sometimes

Hi Becky,

First of all, I am so sorry Nick is going through this. I do not feel you are

teaching him to run away from situations if you try another option. I think you

are teaching him that he is important and deserves better then what that school

provides. You are teaching him that you care about his well being.

If you made him stick it out at that school where he is being physically and

emotionally harassed, would you wonder if you were teaching him that he deserves

to be treated like that? That life has no options? Think if this way, if it

were you in the workplace getting bullied by co-workers or your boss, would you

just stick it out or would you try to find another job?

Also, I think your wondering what you did wrong in " raising him to be a victim "

is really faulty thinking. Bullying is all over the newspapers...it is a

national problem. It isn't about the way you raised him. You give too much

credit to the children bullying him for actually having a reason to do so. Your

son is being failed by his school, by his school's teachers, and by his school's

administration. If this is private school, it sounds like you may actually be

paying for a school environment where bullying can flourish. How can a child

learn when he doesn't feel safe?

I assume homeschooling didn't work out for you?

Stop beating yourself up and follow your gut.

> Am I teaching him to run away from situations if we try another school?

> I don't understand why Nick is a target for this behavior. Sometimes I'm just

so depressed and wonder what I did wrong in raising him to be a victim.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with this advice! Can't say enough nice things about cross country/track

type teams that we've been associated with. The kids were very supportive & nice

& they do have lots of social/team type events - we had weekly dinners & such.

Plus they ran together over the summer to prepare for cross country/track

season. Even at meets, the teams were supportive of other team's runners. It's

basically about survival! LOL Anyone who can finish/give it a good effort gets

cheers! If you are thinking about this option, talk to the high school

track/cross country coach & get their summer workout schedule.

I don't have much experience with bullying, as my daughter is too invisible at

school to be bullied (social anxiety + OCD). However, if your son is very

unhappy where he is, why stay if there's another option? Explore the options &

decide with your son what's best.

In our case, my daughter tends to overreact to situations & long term she will

need to recognize that & control her reactions. I don't know if that is part of

your issue, but if so, something like karate/TKD would help with self

control/focus/confidence. Good luck to you & your son.

Dot

>

> Becky, I don't think you are teaching him to run away.  I think you are

teaching him that it is not okay for people to treat him like that.  My son

used to be bullied all the time, too, so myheart goes out to him and you. 

There was nothing wrong with him that I could see, but yet he was targeted all

the time.  Two things really helped my also, mildly athletic son.  Enrolling

in taekwondo was amazing for him.  He held himself differently or something

changed.  Confidence just kind of oozed out of him and he got a more commanding

voice.  A few months after starting, the bullying stopped.  He stayed in in

for 2 years and would have stayed for more, but we moved.

>  

> The second thing is he joined the cross country team.  Talk about a nice

group of kids ... and everyone I talk to has said the same thing.  At our

school, anyway, it tends to be a very social group of kids who are a social

group among their own.  They do lots of things together and seem to very

extremely accepting.  Does your son have any interest in running?  Perhaps he

could go to some running camps this summer to prepare for the season?  Those

are just some of my thoughts.

>  

> Good luck with your decision.  

> in WA 

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To:

> Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 6:30 AM

> Subject: even moderators need help sometimes

>

>

>

>  

>

> Hi all,

>

> We moved from small town North Dakota last summer to get my son away from

bullying. He was suicidal and I actually homeschooled him last year and then we

decided we needed to get him out of the community. I also needed to leave the

community as I had filed a complaint against our school district with the Office

of Civil Rights. So we now are in a town of 70,000 and my kids are at a small

Christian, private school. Well, I feel like we are back where we started in

that the bullying exists just as much at this private school as it did back

home. My son gets hit, poked with mechanical pencils, verbally harassed,

physically harassed, etc. He has told people to stop. I have involved the

administrator. Some stuff has gotten better, some has not. Nick is a 9th grade

excellent student. He is friendly and outgoing, he is compassionate, his

teachers love him and consider him an asset to the school. He is only mildly

athletic (sports are pretty important

> at our school). I'm thinking about switching him to the huge public

highschool here next fall. We are touring it Thursday morning. He doesn't want

to leave the small school and he thinks he can help affect change, however, I

think the school is too far behind with regards to dealing with bullying. I had

some red flags before we started the school from various people in the

community, but I just believed they had an axe to grind against private school.

The school has many cliques, even amongst the parents.

> Nick is easily irritated. He doesn't want to be punched, poked, jostled, etc.

He loves people but he has short fuse for this stuff. He is now 6'1 " and he is

not taking this stuff " lying down. " While I don't blame him for lashing out,

he's not helping the situation. One parent I confronted said, " Nick is a very

physical boy and she had seen him grab a kid by the neck at her house. " When I

asked Nick about it, he said the kid he grabbed had already hit him 3-4 times

and the mom hadn't seen that. Nick is not a liar and is not a mean kid. Every

time he physically does something to a kid, he comes home and tells me about it,

what led up to it, etc.

> Am I teaching him to run away from situations if we try another school? I'm

going to run out of options. Many kids have left this school BTW for bullying

reasons. Other kids come to the private school because they have been bullied.

Why can't kids keep their damn hands to themselves? I've had it. I want to go

" postal " on these kids myself.

> Anyway, scheduled counseling appts. for both him and me next week. His

counselor that I previously arranged for him to see is a specialist in OCD and

he didn't think there was any problem with how Nick wss handling the bullying.

He doesn't see Nick all worked up and mad at home. Nick is not dealing with it

well.

> Guess I need support till I can get into a counselor next week.

> I don't understand why Nick is a target for this behavior. Sometimes I'm just

so depressed and wonder what I did wrong in raising him to be a victim.

> Thanks group,

> Becky in N.D.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Becky, I hate this is happening, again! I'm actually surprised anyone would

bother a 6'1 " guy who may actually say something back or do something. Do you

think that now that it has started (whyever that happened) that perhaps they

continue because he *will* react, and they want to see it?? Once kids dislike

another, they either ignore them or say/do stuff; or even if not dislike, just

like to watch the reaction, or just, you know, put others down cuz it makes them

feel big; that type thing.

Having been picked on myself growing up, have to say I was an easy target as I

wouldn't stand up for myself, knew I couldn't fight so certainly didn't want to

say anything back. And sometimes girls were mean to me if some guy showed

interest in me.... Any girls that might be interested in Nick?!

Does he participate well in class? Sometimes other students " hate " the smart

ones, ones who ask questions, discuss....

You know you didn't raise a " target " ! Poor , like me, is just one. My

other 2 sons - nope. Don't ask me why, there just seems to be the ones that

are, aren't, or aren't noticed enough either way.

You're not teaching him to run away. You're teaching him skills, a way to find

other options than feel stuck. That's a life skill. It's just removing him from

a stressful situation that probably won't improve, same way someone may pursue

another job. No guarantee it won't happen at the public school, but first have

to try it and see; if similar, then you/he can choose how to deal with it then

with the school, hopefully they are active in anti-bullying (that a word??).

(((hugs)))

>

> Am I teaching him to run away from situations if we try another school? I'm

going to run out of options. Many kids have left this school BTW for bullying

reasons. Other kids come to the private school because they have been bullied.

Why can't kids keep their damn hands to themselves? I've had it. I want to go

" postal " on these kids myself.

> Anyway, scheduled counseling appts. for both him and me next week. His

counselor that I previously arranged for him to see is a specialist in OCD and

he didn't think there was any problem with how Nick wss handling the bullying.

He doesn't see Nick all worked up and mad at home. Nick is not dealing with it

well.

> Guess I need support till I can get into a counselor next week.

> I don't understand why Nick is a target for this behavior. Sometimes I'm just

so depressed and wonder what I did wrong in raising him to be a victim.

> Thanks group,

> Becky in N.D.

>

[Guest guest]

I was going to mention Tae Kwan Do as well and your YMCA should offer classes.

My son has the same profile as you two are describing, and I'm going to

encourage him to do the classes. I understand your outrage, Becky, and that you

are fed up. On the other hand it sounds like he is a terrific student and doing

great in lots of ways at the school - and even his own attitude is still great

in terms of wanting to stick it out. My husband has a habit of coming home from

work and dumping lots of work grief - it's just how he handles it, but then he's

fine going back the next day. I hope you can get some good support from your

counselor - hang in there!

Rhonda

even moderators need help sometimes

[Guest guest]

Nick is reactive. He tries to ignore things and the kids escalate to the point

where he can't ignore it anymore. I made a call again last night to the school

administrator after our band/choir concert. During the concert (backstage) a

boy was telling him, " your penis completes me " and trying to touch his privates

with his foot. An older boy stepped in and knocked the bully's leg out of the

way. Nick is trying to laugh it off and hold it together. When he has

retaliated, the boy threatens to get bigger boys involved. This boy is 5'5 " and

my son could easily hurt him. The funny thing is, when I have talked to this

boy's mom, she says her son doesn't talk inappropriately, swear, or misbehave.

He's just " a little annoying " and " NIck doesn't understand because he doesn't

have brothers...and boys do these sort of things. " This kid was physically

harassing Nick with dead legs (extremely painful charlie horses to the outer

thigh) and niping (throwing mechanical pencils at people as if the pencil was a

dart and the person was the dartboard).

Can I go live in a commune somewhere? I have the gift of compassion and

seriously I'm starting to hate people (who are made in the image of the God I

love).

Needing prozac, chocolate, alochol, valium, whatever I can get this morning LOL

Becky

[Guest guest]

Nick is reactive. He tries to ignore things and the kids escalate to the point

where he can't ignore it anymore. I made a call again last night to the school

administrator after our band/choir concert. During the concert (backstage) a

boy was telling him, " your penis completes me " and trying to touch his privates

with his foot. An older boy stepped in and knocked the bully's leg out of the

way. Nick is trying to laugh it off and hold it together. When he has

retaliated, the boy threatens to get bigger boys involved. This boy is 5'5 " and

my son could easily hurt him. The funny thing is, when I have talked to this

boy's mom, she says her son doesn't talk inappropriately, swear, or misbehave.

He's just " a little annoying " and " NIck doesn't understand because he doesn't

have brothers...and boys do these sort of things. " This kid was physically

harassing Nick with dead legs (extremely painful charlie horses to the outer

thigh) and niping (throwing mechanical pencils at people as if the pencil was a

dart and the person was the dartboard).

Can I go live in a commune somewhere? I have the gift of compassion and

seriously I'm starting to hate people (who are made in the image of the God I

love).

Needing prozac, chocolate, alochol, valium, whatever I can get this morning LOL

Becky

[Guest guest]

Nick is reactive. He tries to ignore things and the kids escalate to the point

where he can't ignore it anymore. I made a call again last night to the school

administrator after our band/choir concert. During the concert (backstage) a

boy was telling him, " your penis completes me " and trying to touch his privates

with his foot. An older boy stepped in and knocked the bully's leg out of the

way. Nick is trying to laugh it off and hold it together. When he has

retaliated, the boy threatens to get bigger boys involved. This boy is 5'5 " and

my son could easily hurt him. The funny thing is, when I have talked to this

boy's mom, she says her son doesn't talk inappropriately, swear, or misbehave.

He's just " a little annoying " and " NIck doesn't understand because he doesn't

have brothers...and boys do these sort of things. " This kid was physically

harassing Nick with dead legs (extremely painful charlie horses to the outer

thigh) and niping (throwing mechanical pencils at people as if the pencil was a

dart and the person was the dartboard).

Can I go live in a commune somewhere? I have the gift of compassion and

seriously I'm starting to hate people (who are made in the image of the God I

love).

Needing prozac, chocolate, alochol, valium, whatever I can get this morning LOL

Becky

[Guest guest]

This is outright bullying. If you aren't already, document everything-bullying

and your attempts to school. You talked to the parent, she had no insight so I

wouldn't keep pushing that interaction. I found that, if you can, it is best to

be as unemotional as possible with dealing with bullying. Just state the facts

and tell them what your expectations are. I did this in writing and in a

conference with the assistant principal at MS and with guidance at HS. There

should be a bullying prevention policy, since it is all over the news. Ask to

see the policy. Your son is prob. not the only one being bullied b/c they tend

to target more than one student. Good luck with this.

>

> Nick is reactive. He tries to ignore things and the kids escalate to the

point where he can't ignore it anymore. I made a call again last night to the

school administrator after our band/choir concert. During the concert

(backstage) a boy was telling him, " your penis completes me " and trying to touch

his privates with his foot. An older boy stepped in and knocked the bully's leg

out of the way. Nick is trying to laugh it off and hold it together. When he

has retaliated, the boy threatens to get bigger boys involved. This boy is 5'5 "

and my son could easily hurt him. The funny thing is, when I have talked to

this boy's mom, she says her son doesn't talk inappropriately, swear, or

misbehave. He's just " a little annoying " and " NIck doesn't understand because

he doesn't have brothers...and boys do these sort of things. " This kid was

physically harassing Nick with dead legs (extremely painful charlie horses to

the outer thigh) and niping (throwing mechanical pencils at people as if the

pencil was a dart and the person was the dartboard).

>

> Can I go live in a commune somewhere? I have the gift of compassion and

seriously I'm starting to hate people (who are made in the image of the God I

love).

>

> Needing prozac, chocolate, alochol, valium, whatever I can get this morning

LOL

> Becky

>

[Guest guest]

I just want to agree with about documenting everything. It is very good

advice. Quick frankly, that boy was more then just bullying your son, he was

sexually harassing him.

When we were having some issues with my son's teacher back in third grade, we

noticed the Principal never replied to our emails. He called so that there

would be nothing in writing (that clever guy). We started sending emails back

to him about the phone conversations, just to have it all down..in the vain of

just clarifying our conversation with him, not making an issue of documenting

him (which was our true intent).

Good luck.

>

> This is outright bullying. If you aren't already, document everything-bullying

and your attempts to school.

[Guest guest]

Ah, Becky--sending you a cyber chocolate martini!  Know that so many of us

have been there, just sick over our children's social struggles and the best way

to help them.  You are doing everything you can--you are a truly amazing mom.

 Here's to a much better year next year.

________________________________

To:

Sent: Friday, May 18, 2012 10:50 AM

Subject: Re: even moderators need help sometimes

 

Nick is reactive. He tries to ignore things and the kids escalate to the point

where he can't ignore it anymore. I made a call again last night to the school

administrator after our band/choir concert. During the concert (backstage) a

boy was telling him, " your penis completes me " and trying to touch his privates

with his foot. An older boy stepped in and knocked the bully's leg out of the

way. Nick is trying to laugh it off and hold it together. When he has

retaliated, the boy threatens to get bigger boys involved. This boy is 5'5 " and

my son could easily hurt him. The funny thing is, when I have talked to this

boy's mom, she says her son doesn't talk inappropriately, swear, or misbehave.

He's just " a little annoying " and " NIck doesn't understand because he doesn't

have brothers...and boys do these sort of things. " This kid was physically

harassing Nick with dead legs (extremely painful charlie horses to the outer

thigh) and niping (throwing

mechanical pencils at people as if the pencil was a dart and the person was the

dartboard).

Can I go live in a commune somewhere? I have the gift of compassion and

seriously I'm starting to hate people (who are made in the image of the God I

love).

Needing prozac, chocolate, alochol, valium, whatever I can get this morning LOL

Becky

[Guest guest]

Do you think even a non-athletic kid could be accepted?  My son tried soccer

for a few years, baseball for a couple, karate for 2 years (and I do agree that

was helpful) but never really excelled at any of it, and that's hard on them,

too.  So I tell him he doesn't have to do competitive sports but he does have

to be active, so we go to the Y and he does various things there, but hasn't

really made any friends just going to work out.  If I talked to the coach and

got the summer workout schedule, is it worth taking the leap?  I definitely

think he could finish, but he might be dead last....I need to do ERP about this,

as you can see my anxiety is a ten!

 

________________________________

To:

Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2012 1:54 PM

Subject: Re: even moderators need help sometimes

 

I agree with this advice! Can't say enough nice things about cross country/track

type teams that we've been associated with. The kids were very supportive & nice

& they do have lots of social/team type events - we had weekly dinners & such.

Plus they ran together over the summer to prepare for cross country/track

season. Even at meets, the teams were supportive of other team's runners. It's

basically about survival! LOL Anyone who can finish/give it a good effort gets

cheers! If you are thinking about this option, talk to the high school

track/cross country coach & get their summer workout schedule.

I don't have much experience with bullying, as my daughter is too invisible at

school to be bullied (social anxiety + OCD). However, if your son is very

unhappy where he is, why stay if there's another option? Explore the options &

decide with your son what's best.

In our case, my daughter tends to overreact to situations & long term she will

need to recognize that & control her reactions. I don't know if that is part of

your issue, but if so, something like karate/TKD would help with self

control/focus/confidence. Good luck to you & your son.

Dot

>

> Becky, I don't think you are teaching him to run away.  I think you are

teaching him that it is not okay for people to treat him like that.  My son

used to be bullied all the time, too, so myheart goes out to him and you. 

There was nothing wrong with him that I could see, but yet he was targeted

all the time.  Two things really helped my also, mildly athletic son. 

Enrolling in taekwondo was amazing for him.  He held himself differently

or something changed.  Confidence just kind of oozed out of him and he got a

more commanding voice.  A few months after starting, the bullying

stopped.  He stayed in in for 2 years and would have stayed for more, but

we moved.

>  

> The second thing is he joined the cross country team.  Talk about a nice

group of kids ... and everyone I talk to has said the same thing.  At

our school, anyway, it tends to be a very social group of kids who are a

social group among their own.  They do lots of things together and seem

to very extremely accepting.  Does your son have any interest in running? 

Perhaps he could go to some running camps this summer to prepare for the

season?  Those are just some of my thoughts.

>  

> Good luck with your decision.  

> in WA 

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To:

> Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 6:30 AM

> Subject: even moderators need help sometimes

>

>

>

>  

>

> Hi all,

>

> We moved from small town North Dakota last summer to get my son away from

bullying. He was suicidal and I actually homeschooled him last year and then we

decided we needed to get him out of the community. I also needed to leave the

community as I had filed a complaint against our school district with the Office

of Civil Rights. So we now are in a town of 70,000 and my kids are at a small

Christian, private school. Well, I feel like we are back where we started in

that the bullying exists just as much at this private school as it did back

home. My son gets hit, poked with mechanical pencils, verbally harassed,

physically harassed, etc. He has told people to stop. I have involved the

administrator. Some stuff has gotten better, some has not. Nick is a 9th grade

excellent student. He is friendly and outgoing, he is compassionate, his

teachers love him and consider him an asset to the school. He is only mildly

athletic (sports are pretty

important

> at our school). I'm thinking about switching him to the huge public

highschool here next fall. We are touring it Thursday morning. He doesn't want

to leave the small school and he thinks he can help affect change, however, I

think the school is too far behind with regards to dealing with bullying. I had

some red flags before we started the school from various people in the

community, but I just believed they had an axe to grind against private school.

The school has many cliques, even amongst the parents.

> Nick is easily irritated. He doesn't want to be punched, poked, jostled, etc.

He loves people but he has short fuse for this stuff. He is now 6'1 " and he is

not taking this stuff " lying down. " While I don't blame him for lashing out,

he's not helping the situation. One parent I confronted said, " Nick is a very

physical boy and she had seen him grab a kid by the neck at her house. " When I

asked Nick about it, he said the kid he grabbed had already hit him 3-4 times

and the mom hadn't seen that. Nick is not a liar and is not a mean kid. Every

time he physically does something to a kid, he comes home and tells me about it,

what led up to it, etc.

> Am I teaching him to run away from situations if we try another school? I'm

going to run out of options. Many kids have left this school BTW for bullying

reasons. Other kids come to the private school because they have been bullied.

Why can't kids keep their damn hands to themselves? I've had it. I want to go

" postal " on these kids myself.

> Anyway, scheduled counseling appts. for both him and me next week. His

counselor that I previously arranged for him to see is a specialist in OCD and

he didn't think there was any problem with how Nick wss handling the bullying.

He doesn't see Nick all worked up and mad at home. Nick is not dealing with it

well.

> Guess I need support till I can get into a counselor next week.

> I don't understand why Nick is a target for this behavior. Sometimes I'm just

so depressed and wonder what I did wrong in raising him to be a victim.

> Thanks group,

> Becky in N.D.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh, half my son's team is non-athletic!  They cheer for everyone,

whether they come in first or last.  I like track, but I LOVE cross country! 

Yes, ask the coach and get a summer workout schedule.  The kids are SO NICE. 

I was at my daughter's track meet last week (my son is the one with ocd and also

on track) but there was a mom sitting in back of me saying how her son did

wrestling and ended up dropping out because the kids were such jerks on his team

and he joined track and instantly felt at home.  They were nice kids, so

accepting of everyone, etc.  Everyone I talk to, it is the same.  My son has

found alot of success in running and let me tell you something, my son who was

bullied endlessly (and I read your comment about the band concert, he had a

similar incident in middle school in the locker room for basketball.  An older

kid would grab him from behind and kind of " hump " into his backside) --- went to

State last fall.  He was

the only one on his team to go to State and his team surprised him and about 8

kids drove 4 hours each way, got a hotel, etc to go just to support him.  And

he is a junior and they were mostly seniors, serious runners, so they I'm sure

felt badly they didn't get to go, but they still went and supported him. 

That's the kind of kids that join cross country.

 

I would definitely get on it and he could train over the summer.  If he does

not run regularly, there is the couch potato to 5K program online that is fun -

since most cross country races are 5K. 

 

Good luck!

in WA

________________________________

To: " " < >

Sent: Friday, May 18, 2012 7:34 PM

Subject: Re: Re: even moderators need help sometimes

 

Do you think even a non-athletic kid could be accepted?  My son tried soccer

for a few years, baseball for a couple, karate for 2 years (and I do agree that

was helpful) but never really excelled at any of it, and that's hard on them,

too.  So I tell him he doesn't have to do competitive sports but he does have

to be active, so we go to the Y and he does various things there, but hasn't

really made any friends just going to work out.  If I talked to the coach and

got the summer workout schedule, is it worth taking the leap?  I definitely

think he could finish, but he might be dead last....I need to do ERP about this,

as you can see my anxiety is a ten!

 

________________________________

To:

Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2012 1:54 PM

Subject: Re: even moderators need help sometimes

 

I agree with this advice! Can't say enough nice things about cross country/track

type teams that we've been associated with. The kids were very supportive & nice

& they do have lots of social/team type events - we had weekly dinners & such.

Plus they ran together over the summer to prepare for cross country/track

season. Even at meets, the teams were supportive of other team's runners. It's

basically about survival! LOL Anyone who can finish/give it a good effort gets

cheers! If you are thinking about this option, talk to the high school

track/cross country coach & get their summer workout schedule.

I don't have much experience with bullying, as my daughter is too invisible at

school to be bullied (social anxiety + OCD). However, if your son is very

unhappy where he is, why stay if there's another option? Explore the options &

decide with your son what's best.

In our case, my daughter tends to overreact to situations & long term she will

need to recognize that & control her reactions. I don't know if that is part of

your issue, but if so, something like karate/TKD would help with self

control/focus/confidence. Good luck to you & your son.

Dot

>

> Becky, I don't think you are teaching him to run away.  I think you are

teaching him that it is not okay for people to treat him like that.  My son

used to be bullied all the time, too, so myheart goes out to him and you. 

There was nothing wrong with him that I could see, but yet he was targeted

all the time.  Two things really helped my also, mildly athletic son. 

Enrolling in taekwondo was amazing for him.  He held himself differently

or something changed.  Confidence just kind of oozed out of him and he got a

more commanding voice.  A few months after starting, the bullying

stopped.  He stayed in in for 2 years and would have stayed for more, but

we moved.

>  

> The second thing is he joined the cross country team.  Talk about a nice

group of kids ... and everyone I talk to has said the same thing.  At

our school, anyway, it tends to be a very social group of kids who are a

social group among their own.  They do lots of things together and seem

to very extremely accepting.  Does your son have any interest in running? 

Perhaps he could go to some running camps this summer to prepare for the

season?  Those are just some of my thoughts.

>  

> Good luck with your decision.  

> in WA 

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To:

> Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 6:30 AM

> Subject: even moderators need help sometimes

>

>

>

>  

>

> Hi all,

>

> We moved from small town North Dakota last summer to get my son away from

bullying. He was suicidal and I actually homeschooled him last year and then we

decided we needed to get him out of the community. I also needed to leave the

community as I had filed a complaint against our school district with the Office

of Civil Rights. So we now are in a town of 70,000 and my kids are at a small

Christian, private school. Well, I feel like we are back where we started in

that the bullying exists just as much at this private school as it did back

home. My son gets hit, poked with mechanical pencils, verbally harassed,

physically harassed, etc. He has told people to stop. I have involved the

administrator. Some stuff has gotten better, some has not. Nick is a 9th grade

excellent student. He is friendly and outgoing, he is compassionate, his

teachers love him and consider him an asset to the school. He is only mildly

athletic (sports are pretty

important

> at our school). I'm thinking about switching him to the huge public

highschool here next fall. We are touring it Thursday morning. He doesn't want

to leave the small school and he thinks he can help affect change, however, I

think the school is too far behind with regards to dealing with bullying. I had

some red flags before we started the school from various people in the

community, but I just believed they had an axe to grind against private school.

The school has many cliques, even amongst the parents.

> Nick is easily irritated. He doesn't want to be punched, poked, jostled, etc.

He loves people but he has short fuse for this stuff. He is now 6'1 " and he is

not taking this stuff " lying down. " While I don't blame him for lashing out,

he's not helping the situation. One parent I confronted said, " Nick is a very

physical boy and she had seen him grab a kid by the neck at her house. " When I

asked Nick about it, he said the kid he grabbed had already hit him 3-4 times

and the mom hadn't seen that. Nick is not a liar and is not a mean kid. Every

time he physically does something to a kid, he comes home and tells me about it,

what led up to it, etc.

> Am I teaching him to run away from situations if we try another school? I'm

going to run out of options. Many kids have left this school BTW for bullying

reasons. Other kids come to the private school because they have been bullied.

Why can't kids keep their damn hands to themselves? I've had it. I want to go

" postal " on these kids myself.

> Anyway, scheduled counseling appts. for both him and me next week. His

counselor that I previously arranged for him to see is a specialist in OCD and

he didn't think there was any problem with how Nick wss handling the bullying.

He doesn't see Nick all worked up and mad at home. Nick is not dealing with it

well.

> Guess I need support till I can get into a counselor next week.

> I don't understand why Nick is a target for this behavior. Sometimes I'm just

so depressed and wonder what I did wrong in raising him to be a victim.

> Thanks group,

> Becky in N.D.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Again I agree with . Yes! Our team had all ranges of talent & lack

thereof. The important thing was that the kid try. My daughter improved her time

each meet & got in great shape. Some boys were heard to say that they joined to

get " abs. " Others just worked out to prepared for track season. My daughter was

sort of mid pack in the running - not 1st & toward the end for kids from her

school. However, she did improve & everyone cheered for her regardless &

encouraged her. If she had been even slightly more social I think she could have

continued. Her issue was she just was afraid to talk to people & couldn't manage

much beyond hello. She was ok while running, but talking to kids in between

events was torture for her. We are working on that.

If your son is willing, give it a try. It truly is a supportive more individual

sport. Soccer can be ruthless, perhaps baseball is the same.

Dot

>

> Do you think even a non-athletic kid could be accepted?  My son tried soccer

for a few years, baseball for a couple, karate for 2 years (and I do agree that

was helpful) but never really excelled at any of it, and that's hard on them,

too.  So I tell him he doesn't have to do competitive sports but he does have

to be active, so we go to the Y and he does various things there, but hasn't

really made any friends just going to work out.  If I talked to the coach and

got the summer workout schedule, is it worth taking the leap?  I definitely

think he could finish, but he might be dead last....I need to do ERP about this,

as you can see my anxiety is a ten!

>  

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I forgot to mention an added benefit of cross country/exercise in general, my

daughter is much less anxious after she exercises (running or whatever) & it's a

great way to keep her in reasonable shape & reduce her anxiety. The cross

country was especially helpful because she was really tired after meets and

practices.

Dot

>

> Again I agree with . Yes! Our team had all ranges of talent & lack

thereof. The important thing was that the kid try. My daughter improved her time

each meet & got in great shape. Some boys were heard to say that they join

[Guest guest]

I have to also echo what everyone else is saying about track! My son is 12, and

has never shown an interest in any sport. He tried baseball (thought it was

boring), soccer and basketball (didn't like the physical aspect of it -- he's

not aggressive at all). He's very into art and music, which is fine, but he

admitted that he always felt awkward when people asked him what sport he played.

Sports are a big thing in our town. He joined the town track team this year,

and he loves it! I was amazed at the almost instant camaraderie with the kids.

They do all cheer for each other, no matter how slow they are. It's also quite

common for the opposing teams to cheer for one another also. I don't think you

see that in other sports! It's really great for confidence building, in

addition to the obvious health benefits.

I'm so sorry about the bullying that your son is being subjected to. I really

don't know why some kids are bullied and others aren't. I think it helps them

to have a nice group of friends as a barrier. I hope he can find some relief

from this soon.

[Guest guest]

It makes me mad that this bully is not considered mentally ill, and our kids

are. I feel sorry for this miserable kid.

________________________________

To:

Sent: Friday, May 18, 2012 10:50 AM

Subject: Re: even moderators need help sometimes

Nick is reactive. He tries to ignore things and the kids escalate to the point

where he can't ignore it anymore. I made a call again last night to the school

administrator after our band/choir concert. During the concert (backstage) a boy

was telling him, " your penis completes me " and trying to touch his privates with

his foot. An older boy stepped in and knocked the bully's leg out of the way.

Nick is trying to laugh it off and hold it together. When he has retaliated, the

boy threatens to get bigger boys involved. This boy is 5'5 " and my son could

easily hurt him. The funny thing is, when I have talked to this boy's mom, she

says her son doesn't talk inappropriately, swear, or misbehave. He's just " a

little annoying " and " NIck doesn't understand because he doesn't have

brothers...and boys do these sort of things. " This kid was physically harassing

Nick with dead legs (extremely painful charlie horses to the outer thigh) and

niping (throwing

mechanical pencils at people as if the pencil was a dart and the person was

the dartboard).

Can I go live in a commune somewhere? I have the gift of compassion and

seriously I'm starting to hate people (who are made in the image of the God I

love).

Needing prozac, chocolate, alochol, valium, whatever I can get this morning

LOL

Becky

[Guest guest]

My kids dont do cross country or track or x-c skiing but I have heard the EXACT

same thing about the group of kids who does it here. That they are super nice,

super supportive and inclusive. ( unlke hockey, football and lax which my kids

do). Funny how a sport has a " personality " that holds true all around the

country

[Guest guest]

Thank you to everyone who responded/encouraged about this.  I actually had

already downloaded " From couch to 5k " , !  Still waiting to hear from the

coach.  A friend of mine who was a cross country state champ 25 years ago

advised me to start him off very slowly, even 10 min. at first, just to get him

out there, and hopefully he will start to see improvement and stick with it.

in OH, mom of Ethan, 16 

________________________________

To: " " < >

Sent: Sunday, May 20, 2012 6:56 AM

Subject: Re: even moderators need help sometimes

 

My kids dont do cross country or track or x-c skiing but I have heard the EXACT

same thing about the group of kids who does it here. That they are super nice,

super supportive and inclusive. ( unlke hockey, football and lax which my kids

do). Funny how a sport has a " personality " that holds true all around the

country

[Guest guest]

Thank you to everyone who responded/encouraged about this.  I actually had

already downloaded " From couch to 5k " , !  Still waiting to hear from the

coach.  A friend of mine who was a cross country state champ 25 years ago

advised me to start him off very slowly, even 10 min. at first, just to get him

out there, and hopefully he will start to see improvement and stick with it.

in OH, mom of Ethan, 16 

________________________________

To: " " < >

Sent: Sunday, May 20, 2012 6:56 AM

Subject: Re: even moderators need help sometimes

 

My kids dont do cross country or track or x-c skiing but I have heard the EXACT

same thing about the group of kids who does it here. That they are super nice,

super supportive and inclusive. ( unlke hockey, football and lax which my kids

do). Funny how a sport has a " personality " that holds true all around the

country

[Guest guest]

Thank you to everyone who responded/encouraged about this.  I actually had

already downloaded " From couch to 5k " , !  Still waiting to hear from the

coach.  A friend of mine who was a cross country state champ 25 years ago

advised me to start him off very slowly, even 10 min. at first, just to get him

out there, and hopefully he will start to see improvement and stick with it.

in OH, mom of Ethan, 16 

________________________________

To: " " < >

Sent: Sunday, May 20, 2012 6:56 AM

Subject: Re: even moderators need help sometimes

 

My kids dont do cross country or track or x-c skiing but I have heard the EXACT

same thing about the group of kids who does it here. That they are super nice,

super supportive and inclusive. ( unlke hockey, football and lax which my kids

do). Funny how a sport has a " personality " that holds true all around the

country