Re: Husband as trigger for son's OCD

[Guest guest]

yes, I do, that's why I'm on the way to ER with son right now.

Have you read any of Bon Dobbs stuff? He has a lot on how to sooth a BP and

hopefully over time they will become more self-soothing. Also explains the core

of shame - husband feels like a total failure with son - and that's a downward

cycle. Husband had a very detached, disapproving father and that's how he

parents. I was a pretty supportive, model wife until son hit teen years then I

tried to push them together but husband remained detached & disapproving. Son

finally totally rejected Dad & that led to huge contamination issues. Now

husband blames me for son refusing even to be in the same room.

You're doing well to keep your sons as functional as they are. Sometimes I

wonder - should I have left, but I had nowhere to go and thought any father is

better than none. It's very sad - you can see the person husband should have

been but totally submerged in living moment by moment in his feelings.

There's also something called " fixed learner " I came across lately which is

someone who's felt a failure so long whenever he's tried anything that he will

no longer learn anything. Starts in childhood and maybe he's now stuck where he

was when he was 16. Very helpful idea but discouraging too.

The BP actually will respond positively if you can learn to help soothe his

feelings. I've had a terrible time doing it because I have a temper myself. You

have to back off emotionally to the point of being totally detached yourself,

even when they are saying horrible things about you, until they get back to

baseline.

Bon talks about how to set boundaries, which are different from rules.

Boundaries are about your own behavior, not trying to make the BP do something.

My husband will suddenly walk off in a conversation if he gets upset enough. I

have set a boundary that I won't interact with him for 3 hours after he does

that. It's very upsetting to me. He has decreased doing that since I set the

boundary. BPs value relationships a lot, even though they run away at the same

time.

The problem is - the threat is still there and real. It's not imaginery. That's

what makes erp kind of hard. I was going to try to have my husband read

something really mean on a tape, then have son listen to it repeatedly to

habituate. At this point, son will not do any erp so I never got to try it. I do

tell my kids to say to themselves, whatever Dad does, " That's just Dad. It's not

about me. He has a disorder that makes him do that. "

Rhonda

Husband as trigger for son's OCD

Roy is able to control his OCD rituals at school now. My husband has always

been a trigger for Roy. We have talked to the pdoc about this and he believes my

husband has mood reg./BP problems. He had a psychotic break at 24 but believed

that he was over that time, and was told about 10 years ago, that he has ADD. He

takes Ritalin on and off. He likes the short acting b/c he likes the bursts of

focus. Since my other son, , is going through his own stuff with

psychosis/BP, the psych. have told Chick that he still has BP, partially

treated. There is quite alot of resistance except when I call it mood reg.

problems. He has said that he likes 's pdocs but never follows through with

making an appt.

He does not believe he is a trigger for Roy and will not communicate with Roy.

Tells me he has not relationship with him and Roy tells me once he is out of the

office does not want a relationship with him. I am caught in the middle of these

stubborn guys. He believes I am not respectful to him b/c I will not support him

in how he interacts with Roy. I know " best parenting " is about united front but

I can't support this kind of controlling behavior from an adult.

We had the same exp. with the other son, , in HS. He would encourage

to apply for opport. and then when he would get them, he would tell him we

couldn't afford that. Just one example. I told then that Chick will not

change so he has to learn how to take care of himself. He now just leaves the

room or goes along with the request. Another son just never is here (avoidance)

Roy will not do this b/c he wants to stand up for himself. Do any of you have

experience with husbands who have no insight into their own behavior and no

apparent desire to change, even if it means the child may never want a

relationship with them? As with alot of people with BP, he is very charming with

people outside the family but is a dif. person at home. Thanks.

[Guest guest]

Rhonda, Ihope all goes well with the ER and your son. Sounds traumatic. Our

other son with the BP had to be transported in handcuffs from the ER to the

hosp. I guess it was protocol. He wouldn't go get help when he was home over

break but the school acted on it. So it was a pretty dramatic thing but he tells

me he wasn't traumatized. I was traumatized even hearing about it. It was hard

that he was far away when it happened, but I guess that is how it all played

out.

I talked to roy's pdoc today without my husband. He said I had to be stronger

about making him get help. He said he would see him without Roy and see if he

can get him to get help. He had Roy leave the room and then asked if I had

considered leaving him. Pretty heavy question.I hadn't expected that. I guess I

kind of minimize things and have always dealt with crisis, from when I was

young. So I get used to it and don't know any different. He said I need to keep

protecting/standing up for Roy. As far as the soothing stuff, I am pretty calm

person and don't engage him when he starts being irrational. I prob. am too

patient and try to make humor of the weirdness to cope. His thing is to deflect

and get off topic. I thought it was his ADD but it is pretty intentional so now

i think BP. He does need to learn insight b/c he does not see any problem most

of the time and thinks we are ganging up on him. The pdoc said it is part of the

mental illness I guess.

>

> yes, I do, that's why I'm on the way to ER with son right now.

>

> Have you read any of Bon Dobbs stuff? He has a lot on how to sooth a BP and

hopefully over time they will become more self-soothing. Also explains the core

of shame - husband feels like a total failure with son - and that's a downward

cycle. Husband had a very detached, disapproving father and that's how he

parents. I was a pretty supportive, model wife until son hit teen years then I

tried to push them together but husband remained detached & disapproving. Son

finally totally rejected Dad & that led to huge contamination issues. Now

husband blames me for son refusing even to be in the same room.

>

> You're doing well to keep your sons as functional as they are. Sometimes I

wonder - should I have left, but I had nowhere to go and thought any father is

better than none. It's very sad - you can see the person husband should have

been but totally submerged in living moment by moment in his feelings.

>

> There's also something called " fixed learner " I came across lately which is

someone who's felt a failure so long whenever he's tried anything that he will

no longer learn anything. Starts in childhood and maybe he's now stuck where he

was when he was 16. Very helpful idea but discouraging too.

>

> The BP actually will respond positively if you can learn to help soothe his

feelings. I've had a terrible time doing it because I have a temper myself. You

have to back off emotionally to the point of being totally detached yourself,

even when they are saying horrible things about you, until they get back to

baseline.

>

> Bon talks about how to set boundaries, which are different from rules.

Boundaries are about your own behavior, not trying to make the BP do something.

My husband will suddenly walk off in a conversation if he gets upset enough. I

have set a boundary that I won't interact with him for 3 hours after he does

that. It's very upsetting to me. He has decreased doing that since I set the

boundary. BPs value relationships a lot, even though they run away at the same

time.

>

> The problem is - the threat is still there and real. It's not imaginery.

That's what makes erp kind of hard. I was going to try to have my husband read

something really mean on a tape, then have son listen to it repeatedly to

habituate. At this point, son will not do any erp so I never got to try it. I do

tell my kids to say to themselves, whatever Dad does, " That's just Dad. It's not

about me. He has a disorder that makes him do that. "

>

> Rhonda

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> Husband as trigger for son's OCD

>

>

>

> Roy is able to control his OCD rituals at school now. My husband has always

been a trigger for Roy. We have talked to the pdoc about this and he believes my

husband has mood reg./BP problems. He had a psychotic break at 24 but believed

that he was over that time, and was told about 10 years ago, that he has ADD. He

takes Ritalin on and off. He likes the short acting b/c he likes the bursts of

focus. Since my other son, , is going through his own stuff with

psychosis/BP, the psych. have told Chick that he still has BP, partially

treated. There is quite alot of resistance except when I call it mood reg.

problems. He has said that he likes 's pdocs but never follows through with

making an appt.

>

> He does not believe he is a trigger for Roy and will not communicate with

Roy. Tells me he has not relationship with him and Roy tells me once he is out

of the office does not want a relationship with him. I am caught in the middle

of these stubborn guys. He believes I am not respectful to him b/c I will not

support him in how he interacts with Roy. I know " best parenting " is about

united front but I can't support this kind of controlling behavior from an

adult.

>

> We had the same exp. with the other son, , in HS. He would encourage

to apply for opport. and then when he would get them, he would tell him we

couldn't afford that. Just one example. I told then that Chick will not

change so he has to learn how to take care of himself. He now just leaves the

room or goes along with the request. Another son just never is here (avoidance)

Roy will not do this b/c he wants to stand up for himself. Do any of you have

experience with husbands who have no insight into their own behavior and no

apparent desire to change, even if it means the child may never want a

relationship with them? As with alot of people with BP, he is very charming with

people outside the family but is a dif. person at home. Thanks.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Rhonda, just catching up on reading some here and soooo sorry CPS got called!

They have to investigate everyone they get a call on, so I wouldn't worry much

because you HAVE been seeking help for your son, so where is the neglect in

that? Just that you were changing who/where you wanted to get help from, that

is still in the best interests of your son. On the good side, if one, is CPS

may be able to help you navigate all this hospitalization/treatment stuff to get

him in sooner, or maybe help with whatever treatment when he gets out?

I know with my mom (who was elderly, was getting/had dementia, and physically

going downhill), her one doctor that I'd always liked -- well, I saw a letter

(not meant to see) at the nursing home where we ended up having her go (with the

help of that doctor) and the letter FROM THE DOCTOR mentioned if I didn't do

xxxx he was going to call Social Services on me for neglect. Reading the letter

upside down and trying to do it where Social Worker at nursing home didn't see

me; but I sure got a little ticked off when I saw that. Don't remember who the

letter was to.

Hang in there, (((hugs)))

>

> Thanks - Childrens Services did come today and wanted to investigage for

medical neglect - hospital did turn us in. CPS said she would wait til Monday to

question son. One thing is sure, that hospital is on my blacklist. I thought

they would give us til tomorrow.

>

> This is so funny. It turns out some of son's hesitation to go has been that

Mom (me) often doesn't keep her promises and backs out of

[Guest guest]

Rhonda, just catching up on reading some here and soooo sorry CPS got called!

They have to investigate everyone they get a call on, so I wouldn't worry much

because you HAVE been seeking help for your son, so where is the neglect in

that? Just that you were changing who/where you wanted to get help from, that

is still in the best interests of your son. On the good side, if one, is CPS

may be able to help you navigate all this hospitalization/treatment stuff to get

him in sooner, or maybe help with whatever treatment when he gets out?

I know with my mom (who was elderly, was getting/had dementia, and physically

going downhill), her one doctor that I'd always liked -- well, I saw a letter

(not meant to see) at the nursing home where we ended up having her go (with the

help of that doctor) and the letter FROM THE DOCTOR mentioned if I didn't do

xxxx he was going to call Social Services on me for neglect. Reading the letter

upside down and trying to do it where Social Worker at nursing home didn't see

me; but I sure got a little ticked off when I saw that. Don't remember who the

letter was to.

Hang in there, (((hugs)))

>

> Thanks - Childrens Services did come today and wanted to investigage for

medical neglect - hospital did turn us in. CPS said she would wait til Monday to

question son. One thing is sure, that hospital is on my blacklist. I thought

they would give us til tomorrow.

>

> This is so funny. It turns out some of son's hesitation to go has been that

Mom (me) often doesn't keep her promises and backs out of

[Guest guest]

, just a passing thought - know you say BP is involved, is dad just real

critical of sons all the time, maybe others too? Is he strict about things, way

he wants things done, controlling? Or more just doesn't engage with sons unless

it is some remark (i.e., not engage, don't do things together, talk, etc.)?

Legitimate question by the pdoc to ask about the marriage, sometimes it takes a

question/comment by others to " give us permission " to think about things or have

us feel our feelings are legitimate, it's not just " us. " (Had someone say

something about my exhusband, and I thought " so it's NOT just me that thinks

that..., yay, thought I was expecting too much... " ). With dad and his poor

insight into himself, we each get defensive about ourselves when criticized (he

should think about that with sons' reactions) but when more than one person is

saying it, well, need to take it to heart about yourself.

That old saying, something like " you can't pick your relatives " is so true. Me

and my mom wouldn't have been friends, too opposite, she was the critical kind

and distancing myself (physically or emotionally) was better for me.

Speaking of getting defensive, same goes with our kids and OCD. I know

got soooo sick of me & my OCD nagging/talk but when they are doing it daily,

disrupting life and in distress.... But I'm sure they feel picked on too, maybe

bad about themselves for being a " problem " to us, so defensive at what they feel

is criticism about something they can't help doing.

Quick thoughts,

>

>

> I talked to roy's pdoc today without my husband. He said I had to be stronger

about making him get help. He said he would see him without Roy and see if he

can get him to get help. He had Roy leave the room and then asked if I had

considered leaving him. Pretty heavy question.I hadn't expected that. I guess I

kind of minimize things and

[Guest guest]

, just a passing thought - know you say BP is involved, is dad just real

critical of sons all the time, maybe others too? Is he strict about things, way

he wants things done, controlling? Or more just doesn't engage with sons unless

it is some remark (i.e., not engage, don't do things together, talk, etc.)?

Legitimate question by the pdoc to ask about the marriage, sometimes it takes a

question/comment by others to " give us permission " to think about things or have

us feel our feelings are legitimate, it's not just " us. " (Had someone say

something about my exhusband, and I thought " so it's NOT just me that thinks

that..., yay, thought I was expecting too much... " ). With dad and his poor

insight into himself, we each get defensive about ourselves when criticized (he

should think about that with sons' reactions) but when more than one person is

saying it, well, need to take it to heart about yourself.

That old saying, something like " you can't pick your relatives " is so true. Me

and my mom wouldn't have been friends, too opposite, she was the critical kind

and distancing myself (physically or emotionally) was better for me.

Speaking of getting defensive, same goes with our kids and OCD. I know

got soooo sick of me & my OCD nagging/talk but when they are doing it daily,

disrupting life and in distress.... But I'm sure they feel picked on too, maybe

bad about themselves for being a " problem " to us, so defensive at what they feel

is criticism about something they can't help doing.

Quick thoughts,

>

>

> I talked to roy's pdoc today without my husband. He said I had to be stronger

about making him get help. He said he would see him without Roy and see if he

can get him to get help. He had Roy leave the room and then asked if I had

considered leaving him. Pretty heavy question.I hadn't expected that. I guess I

kind of minimize things and

[Guest guest]

, just a passing thought - know you say BP is involved, is dad just real

critical of sons all the time, maybe others too? Is he strict about things, way

he wants things done, controlling? Or more just doesn't engage with sons unless

it is some remark (i.e., not engage, don't do things together, talk, etc.)?

Legitimate question by the pdoc to ask about the marriage, sometimes it takes a

question/comment by others to " give us permission " to think about things or have

us feel our feelings are legitimate, it's not just " us. " (Had someone say

something about my exhusband, and I thought " so it's NOT just me that thinks

that..., yay, thought I was expecting too much... " ). With dad and his poor

insight into himself, we each get defensive about ourselves when criticized (he

should think about that with sons' reactions) but when more than one person is

saying it, well, need to take it to heart about yourself.

That old saying, something like " you can't pick your relatives " is so true. Me

and my mom wouldn't have been friends, too opposite, she was the critical kind

and distancing myself (physically or emotionally) was better for me.

Speaking of getting defensive, same goes with our kids and OCD. I know

got soooo sick of me & my OCD nagging/talk but when they are doing it daily,

disrupting life and in distress.... But I'm sure they feel picked on too, maybe

bad about themselves for being a " problem " to us, so defensive at what they feel

is criticism about something they can't help doing.

Quick thoughts,

>

>

> I talked to roy's pdoc today without my husband. He said I had to be stronger

about making him get help. He said he would see him without Roy and see if he

can get him to get help. He had Roy leave the room and then asked if I had

considered leaving him. Pretty heavy question.I hadn't expected that. I guess I

kind of minimize things and