Huge Vent!

[Guest guest]

I will start by apologizing for what is going to be horrible words for a mother

to say, but I need to get this off my chest and I'm afraid I will say it to my

son and that would be the worst thing I could ever do. Deep down I really know

I do not mean these words, but I just got to get them out of me.

Our son, is 12 (13 in Feb) and has OCD/anxiety, although I feel anxiety is more

prevalent than the OCD. He also has Aspergers and some learning disabilities.

He can be the sweetest, kindest of kids when he wants to be. Now having said

that......

I HATE MY SON THESE DAYS! I am tired of him ruining things. I am tired of

walking on eggshells around him. I am tired of myself feeling anxious when it's

time for him to walk in the door from school not knowing what his mood will be.

I am tired of how he treats my day care kids. I am tired of how he treats his

siblings. I am tired of how he treats me and my husband. I am tired of my

holiday stress being heightened because of his huge love of Christmas and him

trying to get me to spend more and more on Christmas decorations and CRAP! I am

tired of having to wake him up every morning not knowing what mood he is in. I

am sick and tired of HIM! I HATE how he makes me feel....like I am the " bad "

one. If I had ever known he was going to be like this, we would've never had

him (he is our youngest) and I feel horrible for saying that!! Life would be so

much easier without him being here and again I feel absolutely horrible for

saying that....what Mother would think that of her child!

He is on Fluoxetine, Gabapentin, Guanfacine and Abilify which has caused huge

weight gain and I can't convince him to stop stuffing his face and then he

complains to me that he is overweight....DUH STOP EATING!!! The meds are also

making him tired and he falls asleep very easily, which I actually love because

then I don't have to deal with his crap! He goes into such a heavy sleep it

takes a bomb to wake him up! I still do not understand what each of these meds

do for him and the psychiatrist has explained it, but not in layman's terms...or

I'm just stupid!

I sit here pouring my heart out while sobbing because he once again has gotten

to me. Now I will be anxious all day while he is at school because I worry

about how he will be when he gets home. Another day " ruined " by HIM! I saw a

therapist myself, but will no longer be going because of the increase in our

copays makes it so I can't justify it....he really wasn't doing all that much

that I can't get from talking to a friend!

I think I am done now and I apologize for it all. I hope I am not looked upon as

a horrible Mom, but I'm hoping someone out there will understand.

Thank you for letting me vent. I hope everyone has a happy holiday.

Debbie