New to group

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all the information and support everyone.

I found 4 therapists close to me from the OCD foundation list so I'm hoping at

least one of them will work out for my daughter. It's very scary wondering how

I'm going to tell her that we need to see a new therapist because even though

our current one isn't addressing her OCD properly, he's a nice and compassionate

man. She really likes him personally, and I think it's very important that my

daughter like her therapist. I'm scared that I'll pick the wrong one and she'll

lose confidence altogether in trusting the profession to help her.

But your answers have helped and I now know what to look for.

Thank you!

Trudy

> I went through the same thing with a therapist with my son. It drove me crazy

that he was playing games with my son when my son was a very verbal intelligent

boy who needed to actively address his anxiety through ERP, not wasting time

with the games. We switched to a therapist who explained OCD to my son and went

about making a list of his fears and started attacking them one by one with him

through ERP. Both my kids have OCD, and they went to different therapists

because therapists felt it wouldn't be right to treat both twins, and each of

their therapists had them name the OCD so they had something to refer to as they

fought against their OCD bully. I know it seems like your daughter is just

trying to control you, which she is, but it isn't because she is enjoying having

you wrapped around her finger, but that if you don't do what she has you do, she

experiences terrible anxiety. Thus, she isn't doing it for the joy of having you

do what she wants you to do, but rather because your not doing it would make her

feel so uncomfortable. That said, it doesn't mean you should give into her. The

most important thing is for her to understand what OCD is and that her needing

to have you answer her questions just so is due to her OCD. Having an OCD

therapist is important because the therapist will know the right way to do ERP,

but also because then she will see that the hard work is coming from her

therapist and her deciding what to work on together, rather than it being

imposed from you and thus may make her angry with you.

>

> Help is out there and your lives can get so much better. Hang in there!

>

> new to group

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm new to this list and new to OCD as well. My daughter is 12 and was

diagnosed last summer. Her symptoms don't seem as severe as those I've read on

this list so far, however they continue to impact our family in a big way. We

have tried two different psychiatrists who each did the therapy part as well,

yet I'm not sure at this point the therapy is the appropriate type. No one has

explained OCD to her. They will ask me and my husband what bothers us most and

try to set guidelines for her to wean off doing that behavior, and it works to a

point but over al, her OCD seems to be getting worse. She may be able to stop a

certain behavior but she adds new ones on too. She has been taking 125 mg

sertraline / day but there is just a very minor difference.

>

> I don't yet know enough about OCD to use proper terminology, but this is what

I see happening. Her compulsion is to ask us questions repeatedly. This usually

happens at times of separation from us, such as school drop off, bed time, when

either she or I leave the house. Even though she knows the answers, she will ask

a series of questions over and over again. (Time of return, etc.) They are

usually in the same order, and we have to answer a certain way-yes/no, or

sometimes " right " , or she gets upset and starts over. There are times when it is

obvious the anxiety about separation might be the trigger, but other times it

really seems like a control thing, where not getting an answer wouldn't be

upsetting, such as " Isn't the expression on our puppy's face cute? " and she will

ask that over repeatedly if she doesn't feel my response was satisfactory for

any reason.

>

> I purchased a few books, they all mention CBT and exposre/RP, and I don't

think our psychiatrist is doing it the way the books describe. He's making us as

parents responsible by having us pick which scenario is too stressful/annoying

for us to answer the questions. He has said he doesn't believe in the exposure

approach but is using it because it seems to be working a bit with her.

>

> I will investigate a new therapist for her.

>

> I have the book, What to do When Your Brain Gets Stuck " My daughter flat out

refuses to read it. And why would she want to anyway?? OCD isn't a problem for

her because the whole family meets her needs by answering her endless questions.

So the doctor plays games (Guess Who...) at each appointment, doesn't require

her to address her OCD, and she won't talk about it with us so I feel a bit lost

in what direction to take next. I've thought about quitting my part in her

rituals, and then maybe she will feel uncomfortable enough to want to address

this on her own. She has to want to do it herself.

>

> I know many of you have it much worse so I won't complain other than to say it

does get very frustrating for us in the moment. And of course we worry about her

and if this will increase in the future.

>

> Any input would be appreciated. I just need to understand this a bit better.

>

> Thanks,

>

> Trudy

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Trudy,

I wanted to add my welcome to the rest!

Living with OCD in your house is a challenge, regardless where they are on the

spectrum. So, don't feel you can't complain here about whatever you are dealing

with. Everyone's situation is different, but we all have common ground, when it

comes to being frustrated, exhausted, and often at a loss what to do, trying to

deal with OCD.

We are six years in, our son is 21, and I continue to learn. Ours is kind of in

a holding pattern. Pretty much using avoidance to deal with his OCD. Meaning

he avoids leaving the house and being with people/situations that will trigger

the OCD and exposures. He knows what he needs to do, he just limits it, and is

at an age now that we feel it has to be up to him.

ERP does work, but they have to do it. It is very common that many will not.

It is a process for many, to come around to recognizing the pay off, and finding

their own reason for following through with the ERP. I find this is an ongoing

thing that shifts with age and stage, and external stresses, since OCD is

generally a lifelong condition to be managed.

While it might be hard for your daughter to make the change to a new doc, if she

understands why this is happening it might help. Also, the more positive,

optimistic, and just matter of fact that you can be about it, will communicate

this to her. If you can be clear with her about what ERP therapy is, and that

if she is really going to get better this is what she needs. Maybe be careful

about getting too much into the exposure part, in case it puts her off, let the

" expert " cover that part Often a therapist does need to work the cognitive

part first to help them gain insight around the OCD, and help them find their

reasons and an understanding for doing the ERP.

It might be an idea to bridge the change by keeping some appointments with the

current doctor. If it is a psychiatrist then you would need to continue to see

him for medication anyway. Not sure how this works with insurance, I am in

Canada. Generally it is a psychologist who does ERP therapy, so this would need

to be added anyway.

Just looked back at your posts to see what else you mention. In terms of

reading books, our son never has either, or very limited bursts. She may come

to this in time. Or it may in fact trip off some OCD stuff, so she avoids it.

Or she may just not want to think about the OCD, if she can help it. Since they

have to live and deal with it all day long in their head, the last thing they

want is to read about it. Have to say I reached this point too

Something I have done, is print off and highlight a few key points, and just

leave it hanging around on the table, saying nothing. I would also speak

directly to the OCD, name stuff as OCD, externalize the OCD in general. They

can kind of fuse with it and take it on as an identity sometimes, and it makes

it hard for them to deal with it directly, as it feels like an attack on

themselves as a person.

You will know best how to approach her, based on her reactions. We couldn't

even say the word OCD at one point, nor try to address it directly in any way.

We needed to focus on basic behavior for a while. You are heading into the teen

years, so this added " bonus " can impact everything. Maturity comes, eventually,

but I have to say the teen piece can feel like you are stuck between a rock and

a hard place, as if you didn't already feel that way with the OCD!!! Just

something to consider, as things come up, sometimes need to give them a wide

berth on stuff, while being clear about boundaries - have some absolutes!

In terms of accommodating stuff, this is hard. It is not a good idea to stop

cold turkey, would be like pulling the rug out from under. Better to ask her to

pick something to work on, something easy, and go one thing at a time. Success

breeds success, usually slow, but there is a cumulative effect. When they

really get this, they are more motivated. The opposite, too fast, too hard, can

have a boomerang effect and set them back.

This is individual though. Ours will stay in a holding pattern for some time,

and then burst out all at once and do something big. Kind of like ripping the

bandaid off fast or slow, ours prefers fast.

For the reassurance seeking, you can try answering once, and then say that you

have given your answer, you will not keep answering. Or you can reverse the

question back to her, saying, " what do you think " ? She needs to learn to " sit "

with the anxiety that will come up, so even delaying your response with do this.

You may need to start with reducing by number of times gradually.

Best to let her know in advance, and plan for how you will do this. The more

you can give them positive control over the strategy/ERP the better, rather than

the negative control of the OCD. You can try using a timer - something neutral

that decides when the stop time is. Maybe when you drop her off at school, look

at the clock in the car/watch and decide how many seconds you will reassure, for

example. I found ours was good at coming up with creative strategies - good to

let them use up their energy and conserve ours, they usually have an endless

supply

That got pretty long. I'm afraid I'm not short on words. Keep us posted as you

move forward with the new doc. Keep posting questions, or just sharing your

frustrations. This is a great group for getting ideas, and for connecting with

others who just " get it " .

Warmly,

Barb

Canada

Son, 21, OCD, LD Plus

>

> Thanks for all the information and support everyone.

> I found 4 therapists close to me from the OCD foundation list so I'm hoping at

least one of them will work out for my daughter. It's very scary wondering how

I'm going to tell her that we need to see a new

[Guest guest]

Hi Trudy,

I wanted to add my welcome to the rest!

Living with OCD in your house is a challenge, regardless where they are on the

spectrum. So, don't feel you can't complain here about whatever you are dealing

with. Everyone's situation is different, but we all have common ground, when it

comes to being frustrated, exhausted, and often at a loss what to do, trying to

deal with OCD.

We are six years in, our son is 21, and I continue to learn. Ours is kind of in

a holding pattern. Pretty much using avoidance to deal with his OCD. Meaning

he avoids leaving the house and being with people/situations that will trigger

the OCD and exposures. He knows what he needs to do, he just limits it, and is

at an age now that we feel it has to be up to him.

ERP does work, but they have to do it. It is very common that many will not.

It is a process for many, to come around to recognizing the pay off, and finding

their own reason for following through with the ERP. I find this is an ongoing

thing that shifts with age and stage, and external stresses, since OCD is

generally a lifelong condition to be managed.

While it might be hard for your daughter to make the change to a new doc, if she

understands why this is happening it might help. Also, the more positive,

optimistic, and just matter of fact that you can be about it, will communicate

this to her. If you can be clear with her about what ERP therapy is, and that

if she is really going to get better this is what she needs. Maybe be careful

about getting too much into the exposure part, in case it puts her off, let the

" expert " cover that part Often a therapist does need to work the cognitive

part first to help them gain insight around the OCD, and help them find their

reasons and an understanding for doing the ERP.

It might be an idea to bridge the change by keeping some appointments with the

current doctor. If it is a psychiatrist then you would need to continue to see

him for medication anyway. Not sure how this works with insurance, I am in

Canada. Generally it is a psychologist who does ERP therapy, so this would need

to be added anyway.

Just looked back at your posts to see what else you mention. In terms of

reading books, our son never has either, or very limited bursts. She may come

to this in time. Or it may in fact trip off some OCD stuff, so she avoids it.

Or she may just not want to think about the OCD, if she can help it. Since they

have to live and deal with it all day long in their head, the last thing they

want is to read about it. Have to say I reached this point too

Something I have done, is print off and highlight a few key points, and just

leave it hanging around on the table, saying nothing. I would also speak

directly to the OCD, name stuff as OCD, externalize the OCD in general. They

can kind of fuse with it and take it on as an identity sometimes, and it makes

it hard for them to deal with it directly, as it feels like an attack on

themselves as a person.

You will know best how to approach her, based on her reactions. We couldn't

even say the word OCD at one point, nor try to address it directly in any way.

We needed to focus on basic behavior for a while. You are heading into the teen

years, so this added " bonus " can impact everything. Maturity comes, eventually,

but I have to say the teen piece can feel like you are stuck between a rock and

a hard place, as if you didn't already feel that way with the OCD!!! Just

something to consider, as things come up, sometimes need to give them a wide

berth on stuff, while being clear about boundaries - have some absolutes!

In terms of accommodating stuff, this is hard. It is not a good idea to stop

cold turkey, would be like pulling the rug out from under. Better to ask her to

pick something to work on, something easy, and go one thing at a time. Success

breeds success, usually slow, but there is a cumulative effect. When they

really get this, they are more motivated. The opposite, too fast, too hard, can

have a boomerang effect and set them back.

This is individual though. Ours will stay in a holding pattern for some time,

and then burst out all at once and do something big. Kind of like ripping the

bandaid off fast or slow, ours prefers fast.

For the reassurance seeking, you can try answering once, and then say that you

have given your answer, you will not keep answering. Or you can reverse the

question back to her, saying, " what do you think " ? She needs to learn to " sit "

with the anxiety that will come up, so even delaying your response with do this.

You may need to start with reducing by number of times gradually.

Best to let her know in advance, and plan for how you will do this. The more

you can give them positive control over the strategy/ERP the better, rather than

the negative control of the OCD. You can try using a timer - something neutral

that decides when the stop time is. Maybe when you drop her off at school, look

at the clock in the car/watch and decide how many seconds you will reassure, for

example. I found ours was good at coming up with creative strategies - good to

let them use up their energy and conserve ours, they usually have an endless

supply

That got pretty long. I'm afraid I'm not short on words. Keep us posted as you

move forward with the new doc. Keep posting questions, or just sharing your

frustrations. This is a great group for getting ideas, and for connecting with

others who just " get it " .

Warmly,

Barb

Canada

Son, 21, OCD, LD Plus

>

> Thanks for all the information and support everyone.

> I found 4 therapists close to me from the OCD foundation list so I'm hoping at

least one of them will work out for my daughter. It's very scary wondering how

I'm going to tell her that we need to see a new