Re: OCD and high school, how to survive? (long post, sorry!)

[Guest guest]

Melinda,

I have one word to say about high school....ugggghhh! My daughter is in her

second semester of her junior year. She's attended the same school since

preschool. Looking back, she's had issues all along, but the school never

picked up on anything other than a brief stint in speech therapy and we were

generally clueless.

I know now not to trust a school to act in the best interests of a child, a

parent has to step in and step on toes if necessary to get things accomplished.

My daughter was diagnosed at 14, just before 8th grade, a difficult time anyway

for girls. It's all about who's who, who fits and who doesn't. Topics like

drinking, drugs, sex, porn are common in our school and J doesn't feel

comfortable talking about that kind of stuff, so she doesn't " fit " . We told 4

girls who were " friends " back then about her OCD; by the end of 8th grade, they

had dropped her completely and spent the next two years basically ignoring her

existence.

Part of last year and this year, thankfully, the bullying seems to have stopped,

partly because we made a huge effort to clamp down on it and hopefully the kids

are maturing somewhat as they face graduation.

However, here is the conundrum: while my dd's HS life hasn't been what I hoped

for her, school has also been a savior. At the first onset of OCD, her anxiety

levels were high because her first fear centered on a class she was in. We got

her removed from the class (shop class), BUT insisted she continue in school.

We set it up where she could go to the nurse's office (our counselor is not too

empathic) and even call me if her anxiety got overwhelming. I would " talk her

down " , BUT we told her we would NOT come get her just because of anxiety. The

nurse's office was her safe place to go where she could gather herself and calm

down, but she was to go back to class as soon as possible. This was so hard for

me to do, but I knew if I gave in even once, it would get worse and

homeschooling is simply not an option for us financially, though I would have

loved to try it. It also gave her the responsiblity of controlling her own

emotions and not relying on us completely to do it for her.

It's not been an easy road....I wonder sometimes if the other parents in our

school with the " perfect, perky, gorgeous " girls appreciate what they have. It

irritates me to no end how these same girls ignore my daughter and have deemed

her not good enough to be their friend or even worthy of their acknowledgement.

And the parents are just as bad. They want their kid to be popular at all costs,

so they make sure they are friends with the " right " kids. You'd think in a

class of only 26 or so it wouldn't be that way, but it is. My dd has never had

a boyfriend, never been on a date, never been kissed. A couple of boys seemed

interested at one point, but she had built up such walls against boys in general

because of all the bullying in 8th and 9th, she just couldn't separate them from

the whole.

To relate another incident to illustrate how sometimes school staff can actually

do much damage:

in 10th grade, my dd went out for cheerleading, despite being laughed at behind

her back when others found out. She got on the squad and had some difficulty

adjusting to the coach's rigid requirements (coach had OCD and was on same meds

as my dd!). The coach picked on her a lot, but she stayed on the squad. Fast

forward to an away game we could not be at......we get a call at 10:00pm from

another parent that the coach is SCREAMING at my daughter in front of both

schools and for what? Going to the bathroom and not asking permission. The

coach and assistant coach both started in on her, whereupon she shut down and

wouldn't respond to them. They apparently then took her into a classroom and

proceeded to scream at her so loud it was heard by everyone. My son videotaped

my dd right after and it is heartbreaking to see. They destroyed her.

I ranted to the principal and demanded an apology...we got sort of a

half-hearted one from the coach. BUT, and this may sound harsh, we made J go

back to school the next day with her head high, she did NOTHING to deserve that

treatment. And the coach embarrassed our entire school with her behavior. J

wanted to quit, understandably, but went back after I called the coach and TOLD

her my dd needed to hear FROM HER that they wanted her back on the squad.

Later, all the cheerleaders got sick, and they had learned a very difficult

dance for homecoming; my DD and only 2 others got out in front of the whole

school and did that dance; I can't explain to you how important to my dd that

was to accomplish and i had so many parents come up to us and say how much they

admired her for going back and finishing and how wrong the coach was. She

finished out the season and I think it was a very important life lesson for her.

The coach is also not coaching this year, but my dd decided not to do it again

because she thought it was boring, lol! She went back to softball instead.

I've had to realize my daughter is just not the type to " fit in " . She doesn't

follow the crowd, doesn't change her spots from one day to the next to keep up

the popularity status, gets bored with their conversations of drinking, drugs,

partying, who's dating whom, who's having sex, blah, blah, blah, and just

generally doesn't relate. But I can also say with some certainty she will never

drink or do drugs just because it's what everyone else is doing as the " cool "

thing.

Interestingly enough, she knows EVERYTHING that's going on at the school, all

the rumors, gossip,etc. Because they ignore her, they talk as if she's not

there, so I know things about these kids that even their parents don't know!

Some of these girls aren't the " nice " girls they pretend to be on the surface!

It's my hope that like me, college will be my dd's best experience. I hated

high school and loved college, because it didn't matter who you were before, and

no one cared about how popular you were in high school. I could be exactly who

I was and I finally made friends, not a lot, but a few close ones that are still

my friends 25 years later. Also, I had two dates in high school (both with

non-high school boys), but met my husband in college after deciding I would just

be happy being single! Maybe it will happen the same for her....

Debbie

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> It sounds like you would do well to meet with a therapist who can help you

sort out what it is about the kids that is most bothersome, and if the reason it

is bothersome is because your daughter has been sheltered by the homeschooling

and not just needs support to adjust or it is because of the OCD and will ERP

work while she continues going. At some point, not too far from now, she is

going to be ready for college and thus will be thrown in with kids talking about

the same type things if she stays in a dorm. Thus, just pulling her out doesn't

seem to be the answer. It sounds like the answer needs to be to identify just

exactly is causing the stress and working on it. If this is too big an

adjustment after never having been in school, perhaps a very small private

school would be a better fit.

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> OCD and high school, how to survive?

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> Hi,

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> My dd was always homeschooled but after years of therapy she decided she

wanted the high school experience besides it was getting harder for me to teach

her (165 iq)

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> She has been having a hard time with the kids, language, things they talk

about (sex, drugs, porno and worse) and personal space issues. I had to pick her

up early today but she wants to go again tomorrow. I have a mtg w guidance and

principal Thursday but dont know what they can do, kids are kids are kids, they

cant stop them from being obnoxious.

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> My dd cant keep going and wanting me to get her after an hour. She has had the

ultimate exposure since starting school with all of this but it hasnt gotten

easier. One conversation about something " gross " you know turns into something

worse and she cant just shake it off.

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> Just wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience and has any advice

or suggestions, I wonder if she can really stay in public school or if the

anxiety is too much due to the nature of the culture at school and if not what

are the alternatives, besides depending on me for her h.s. education?

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> Thanks

> Melinda

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