Re: Another question from one just starting on this path

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, I relate. The rage at things not going just so is a part of the OCD, at

least for my child. As far as rage at others, that has happened, but has been

more rare for us. My daughter is older (16) and has a little better self control

now. My daughter also has been through 3 rounds of therapy and now knows it's

OCD that's making her mad. She has contamination type OCD.

Does your daughter have both intrusive thoughts and contamination issues?

Is your child in any therapy? CBT/ERP? If not, please find someone who can help

with that right away. With proper therapy and treatment, it does get better. It

takes time to improve, and it is most definitely exhausting in every sense of

the word. In my experience trying to reason with OCD (in your case, for example,

reasoning with your daughter about her interpretation of other people's

statements) is a waste of time. She'll need to learn to recognize the intrusive

thoughts & deal with them.

I wish you & your child the best in dealing with the OCD. In our case, the rages

improved and became much less frequent with therapy. Hope you soon see

improvement as well.

Dot

>

> Fear seems to be at the root of my daughters' issues. She assumes the very

worst about casual glances, the spoken word, and new situations.

>

> So, for example, a friend said to her, " you have food on your face "

>

> Now, at age nine, many kids don't notice food on their face and others tell

them up use a napkin. This was not a mean comment or said in a mean spirited

manner.

>

> My daughter heard (she later quoted this kid as saying) " you are so dumb you

don't even know when you have food on your face "

>

> I was upset with my child over this because she came back at this kid with

such anger.

>

> I told her that she doesn't get to assign meaning to words then blame the

speaker if she doesn't like the meaning. I told her she needed to learn to pay

attention to what was said, what might have been meant, and what was coming from

within her own head.

>

> I have been attempting this conversation with her for some time because this

is becoming a social block for her. Strangers smile and say 'hello' and she

reads an insult in the exchange.

>

> She is also getting very upset with people, me mostly, for not knowing all of

her 'rules'. I can't keep up with all things she feels are 'dirty `and what can

be touched, can't be touched .... I just can't keep up and she gets SO mad. I

sat a pen on the desk yesterday and she blew up, " Thanks a LOT Mama. Now my only

pen is dirty!!! "

>

> Yah yah yah, not good parenting ... I yelled back " Stop yelling at me! "

>

> She seems to think because I love her, because I am her mother, I will just…

know, and if I am doing things, like setting her one clean pen on a dirty desk,

I am doing it just to make her life hard.

>

> It gets old. Can anyone relate?

>

[Guest guest]

I remember when my daughter's stress and anxiety was highest

she was the most irritable at me. My daughter's social anxiety would have

prevented her from saying a word to her peers, she would though come home and

yelled at me.

Lots of kids with ADHD or impulse control disorders blurt out inappropriate

things to peers and even teachers. Stress and anxiety would make the issues

worse though.

I think the best bet is to try to find ways/medication

to lower her anxiety and help her regulate her

emotions better, so she is not snapping at peers.

I have found that a point chart that tracks all the '

positive behaviors works better than punishing

the negative.

From time to time, I get overwhelmed myself and nag

my daughter to " stop " inappropriate behaviors

which only escalates stress for all of us.

I think one thing that helped me, is to tell my daughter

very concretely " My intention is not to hurt you, I just

moved your things " this has had some positive

impact on our relationship. She might carry on that

I should have know better, but I keep it simple,

I didn't know that she didn't want it moved

and I had no intention to hurt her.

Pam

- In , " juleahwillson " wrote:

>

> Fear seems to be at the root of my daughters' issues. She assumes the very

worst about casual glances, the spoken word, and new situations.

>

> So, for example, a friend said to her, " you have food on your face "

>

> Now, at age nine, many kids don't notice food on their face and others tell

them up use a napkin. This was not a mean comment or said in a mean spirited

manner.

>

> My daughter heard (she later quoted this kid as saying) " you are so dumb you

don't even know when you have food on your face "

>

> I was upset with my child over this because she came back at this kid with

such anger.

>

> I told her that she doesn't get to assign meaning to words then blame the

speaker if she doesn't like the meaning. I told her she needed to learn to pay

attention to what was said, what might have been meant, and what was coming from

within her own head.

>

> I have been attempting this conversation with her for some time because this

is becoming a social block for her. Strangers smile and say 'hello' and she

reads an insult in the exchange.

>

> She is also getting very upset with people, me mostly, for not knowing all of

her 'rules'. I can't keep up with all things she feels are 'dirty `and what can

be touched, can't be touched .... I just can't keep up and she gets SO mad. I

sat a pen on the desk yesterday and she blew up, " Thanks a LOT Mama. Now my only

pen is dirty!!! "

>

> Yah yah yah, not good parenting ... I yelled back " Stop yelling at me! "

>

> She seems to think because I love her, because I am her mother, I will just…

know, and if I am doing things, like setting her one clean pen on a dirty desk,

I am doing it just to make her life hard.

>

> It gets old. Can anyone relate?

>

[Guest guest]

One other idea I want to share with you. Our behaviorist

has said you can't stop a behavior with a negative.

So if I want my daughter to stop staying up late,

she wants me to stay " I would like to see in bed

at 9pm " and keep the lecture to myself (as hard as that is

when I am overwhelmed).

I am the most overwhelmed when there has been

persistent in yelling at me as a way to release her stress.

I have scaled down my daughter's school demands greatly

by changing schools, but I see that she has

trouble coping with any kind of stress. I can hope

and pray she copes better as she gets older.

Pam

>

> Fear seems to be at the root of my daughters' issues. She assumes the very

worst about casual glances, the spoken word, and new situations.

>

> So, for example, a friend said to her, " you have food on your face "

>

> Now, at age nine, many kids don't notice food on their face and others tell

them up use a napkin. This was not a mean comment or said in a mean spirited

manner.

>

> My daughter heard (she later quoted this kid as saying) " you are so dumb you

don't even know when you have food on your face "

>

> I was upset with my child over this because she came back at this kid with

such anger.

>

> I told her that she doesn't get to assign meaning to words then blame the

speaker if she doesn't like the meaning. I told her she needed to learn to pay

attention to what was said, what might have been meant, and what was coming from

within her own head.

>

> I have been attempting this conversation with her for some time because this

is becoming a social block for her. Strangers smile and say 'hello' and she

reads an insult in the exchange.

>

> She is also getting very upset with people, me mostly, for not knowing all of

her 'rules'. I can't keep up with all things she feels are 'dirty `and what can

be touched, can't be touched .... I just can't keep up and she gets SO mad. I

sat a pen on the desk yesterday and she blew up, " Thanks a LOT Mama. Now my only

pen is dirty!!! "

>

> Yah yah yah, not good parenting ... I yelled back " Stop yelling at me! "

>

> She seems to think because I love her, because I am her mother, I will just…

know, and if I am doing things, like setting her one clean pen on a dirty desk,

I am doing it just to make her life hard.

>

> It gets old. Can anyone relate?

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you ... keep it positive, I like that.

I could have freed hundreds more if only I had been able to convince them they

were slaves. Harriet Tubman

To:

Sent: Tuesday, July 26, 2011 8:09 PM

Subject: Re: Another question from one just starting on this

path

 

One other idea I want to share with you. Our behaviorist

has said you can't stop a behavior with a negative.

So if I want my daughter to stop staying up late,

she wants me to stay " I would like to see in bed

at 9pm " and keep the lecture to myself (as hard as that is

when I am overwhelmed).

I am the most overwhelmed when there has been

persistent in yelling at me as a way to release her stress.

I have scaled down my daughter's school demands greatly

by changing schools, but I see that she has

trouble coping with any kind of stress. I can hope

and pray she copes better as she gets older.

Pam

>

> Fear seems to be at the root of my daughters' issues. She assumes the very

worst about casual glances, the spoken word, and new situations.

>

> So, for example, a friend said to her, " you have food on your face "

>

> Now, at age nine, many kids don't notice food on their face and others tell

them up use a napkin. This was not a mean comment or said in a mean spirited

manner.

>

> My daughter heard (she later quoted this kid as saying) " you are so dumb you

don't even know when you have food on your face "

>

> I was upset with my child over this because she came back at this kid with

such anger.

>

> I told her that she doesn't get to assign meaning to words then blame the

speaker if she doesn't like the meaning. I told her she needed to learn to pay

attention to what was said, what might have been meant, and what was coming from

within her own head.

>

> I have been attempting this conversation with her for some time because this

is becoming a social block for her. Strangers smile and say 'hello' and she

reads an insult in the exchange.

>

> She is also getting very upset with people, me mostly, for not knowing all of

her 'rules'. I can't keep up with all things she feels are 'dirty `and what can

be touched, can't be touched .... I just can't keep up and she gets SO mad. I

sat a pen on the desk yesterday and she blew up, " Thanks a LOT Mama. Now my only

pen is dirty!!! "

>

> Yah yah yah, not good parenting ... I yelled back " Stop yelling at me! "

>

> She seems to think because I love her, because I am her mother, I will just…

know, and if I am doing things, like setting her one clean pen on a dirty desk,

I am doing it just to make her life hard.

>

> It gets old. Can anyone relate?

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe she could benefit from some social skills group therapy? The best way to

address poor behavior I think is to lay out the rules ahead of time and to have

rewards and consequences (privileges_ associated with them.

Bonnie

>

> Fear seems to be at the root of my daughters' issues. She assumes the very

worst about casual glances, the spoken word, and new situations.

>

> So, for example, a friend said to her, " you have food on your face "

>

> Now, at age nine, many kids don't notice food on their face and others tell

them up use a napkin. This was not a mean comment or said in a mean spirited

manner.

>

> My daughter heard (she later quoted this kid as saying) " you are so dumb you

don't even know when you have food on your face "

>

> I was upset with my child over this because she came back at this kid with

such anger.

>

> I told her that she doesn't get to assign meaning to words then blame the

speaker if she doesn't like the meaning. I told her she needed to learn to pay

attention to what was said, what might have been meant, and what was coming from

within her own head.

>

> I have been attempting this conversation with her for some time because this

is becoming a social block for her. Strangers smile and say 'hello' and she

reads an insult in the exchange.

>

> She is also getting very upset with people, me mostly, for not knowing all of

her 'rules'. I can't keep up with all things she feels are 'dirty `and what can

be touched, can't be touched .... I just can't keep up and she gets SO mad. I

sat a pen on the desk yesterday and she blew up, " Thanks a LOT Mama. Now my only

pen is dirty!!! "

>

> Yah yah yah, not good parenting ... I yelled back " Stop yelling at me! "

>

> She seems to think because I love her, because I am her mother, I will just…

know, and if I am doing things, like setting her one clean pen on a dirty desk,

I am doing it just to make her life hard.

>

> It gets old. Can anyone relate?

>