2 things to share/ long rambling

[Guest guest]

One is that my thyroid ultrasound is of to comed back as normal so

that is of good. and is of a releif for me.

But this week I to be of not doing well functionally. I to still be

of feeling the odd sensations of like adreneline surges which trigger

agitations to me and self aggressions. but this week or in the last

10 days my short term memory is of not working and causing me great

stress. one was not long ago I to went to meet of the husband at a

place to eat of a lunch time with him. When done could not find of my

keys and wondered if had locked them into the van as I to do that

because have a code lock so can type in a code to open the door. but

when I to comed out the van was unlocked and still running with the

keys into the ignition as forgot to turn off the van and lock the

doors which is of a constant routine process for me and never forget

of such things, it was left running like that for over an hour while

I to be inside of the resturant with the husband for a lunch time

things. feeling so much stupid for this and upset to self for not

having any memory of to do this at all. then I to go to Kentucky and

such for a conference and in the process of locking the van I to

again left one of he side doors completely open and we had been in

the hotel room for a few hours when my son decided to go to the van

to finish getting things from it for me. he then shared I to did of

this. I to feel as if losing of my ability to function well and

fearful of my own being in this life right now because not doing

things right/. does others to have non functioning times such as

these and have no memory to doing them. it is of scarying of me much

so.

Lastly I to had been of wondering a thing and asked of my therapist

this today. I to wondered if he to had of a daughter born to him with

autism that was of like of me would he be of ashamed or embrassed and

would he to want to send of that daughter away or hide of her from

the view of others. Would he to see of her like a negative and bad

and to be of to see her as annoying and frustrating like the family

of me seen of me and still does be to see of me this way most times.

he to shared of hims thinking to me on this, but I to wonder if those

here to know of me would be to have felt this things towards me if I

to be of had been of their daughter or child. would they be to see me

as a bad embarassment and ashame of me , would I to be of too weird

for you to have been of patient to me . I to be of asking because the

family of me were of different but at times I to wonder if their

reactions to me were of justified and if others to see of me that way

too but try to be of nice and just be to not be of rude tolerate of

me and this is of why cant seem to connect much. Because people just

tyr to be nice but really I to be fo just annoying and cause then to

get so frustrated with me but they do not share of the words to it.

I to be of trying to understand maybe how others might be to see of

me and at same time trying to understand how I to must be of

reflecting to peoples.

I to have of one person in this life i to have a connect to in a

balanced way but lack if he likes of me back in the same ways. but he

is of a spectrum friend in my group at therapy. he is of much with

the same interests and thinking as me in many things and we do seem

to connect much well when we are of together in words and such. I to

find I to enjoy of hims words and thinking and actions as a friend

like person but because i to ahve of marriage and he does not it does

not allow of me to build outside of that structured setting as the

husband does not feel this is of a good things for me to be alone and

or to do things with my friend like person such as to go to a movie

or book stores.

Some to suggest that the husband and me go together and meet of my

freind person to go altogether but I to want of my own friendships

and to have of the husband there does not allow me independence of

building of my friendships and life. I to not want of the husband to

be of to be to like watch over me like I to be of a child i to want

of my own friend like connections.

Sondra