fears

[Guest guest]

When I was little, I would lock all my doors and windows and sleep

under my down comforter - even if it was 110 degrees outside. If I

was alone in the house I'd sleep with the lights on.

Currently, I can't sleep in a room unless the door is locked. I check

the lock three or four times before I can fall asleep (yes, this is a

bit compulsive). I can't sit in a crowded room unless my back is to a

wall (at restaurants I have to be at least facing most of the room).

I've noticed that I'm always watching the people around me. I have to

know where everybody is at all times (so for me, too, lines are a

problem). I always jump when my husband is somewhere I'm not

expecting him to be (if he's watching TV, for example, and I don't

see him move into another room, he startles me when I find him there).

To put it simply, I'm very untrusting of people. I felt extremely

unsafe growing up, and these are all my little defenses to make me

feel safer. My rock-solid marriage has improved things immensely for

me, and I would assume that most people with these safety issues feel

better once they find security and stability in their lives.

michelle

>

> > She says she has a terrible fear whenever anyone stands behind

her,

> > like in waiting lines. She says it's so strong she literally has

> > to stand sideways so she can see who's behind her. Also, if

she's

> > walking down the sidewalk and someone approaches and passes her

> > from behind, it's like a knife going through her until they've

> > passed her. She's fine with people approaching from the

front.

> >

>

> I used to do the same thing when standing in line! I would

sometimes

> be so much to the side that it wasn't uncommon for me to lose my

> place, especially when I was in school.

> I was always really jumpy, I'm still a little bit, but I used to be

> so jumpy that it was something I'd get teased about. I was scared

of

> everything, all the time, and didn't even know it until one day I

> wasn't.

[Guest guest]

> To put it simply, I'm very untrusting of people. I felt extremely

> unsafe growing up, and these are all my little defenses to make me

> feel safer. My rock-solid marriage has improved things immensely

> for me, and I would assume that most people with these safety

> issues feel better once they find security and stability in their

> lives.

> michelle

Yeah, me too, that's where I really saw myself in UBM, the " Hermit. "

The reason I recognized it was by reading the part about the Hermit's

husband (can't remember, " Huntsman? " ) and saw my 1st step dad in that

description... Then, " lightbulb " moment, my boyfriend has always

reminded me of my 1st step dad, calm, gentle, quiet, strong,

dependable..(He even looks a little like him--eek) After realizing

that, reading the " Hermit " stuff again, oops, there I was! I have

tried really hard to change that " pattern " in our relationship. It

caused some major problems, things are still not quite settled

again.

I stopped looking to him to keep me safe, now I try to keep myself

safe. Funny, the first thing that happened when I started getting

really upset over this whole thing with my sister, is that I didn't

want to go to her house without him. That should have been a clue

for me that something was not right. I guess I was falling back on

the old patterns again, now that I know that, I'll have to work on

it. Just when things were going so well for me, I let myself screw

it up again! haha

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing, . How are you handling it now? What things

have you done that has helped? Can you relate it to stuff that happened

in your past, perhaps in childhood?

The really weird thing is, I never realized my daughter had this fear at

all. She hides it very well.

SmileS!

Carol

<anyrae> wrote:

> I used to do the same thing when standing in line! I would

> sometimes be so much to the side that it wasn't uncommon for

> me to lose my place, especially when I was in school. I was

> always really jumpy, I'm still a little bit, but I used to be

> so jumpy that it was something I'd get teased about. I was

> scared of everything, all the time, and didn't even know it

> until one day I wasn't.

Carol wrote:

> She says she has a terrible fear whenever anyone stands behind her,

> like in waiting lines. She says it's so strong she literally has

> to stand sideways so she can see who's behind her. Also, if she's

> walking down the sidewalk and someone approaches and passes her

> from behind, it's like a knife going through her until they've

> passed her. She's fine with people approaching from the front.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing your insights, Dan!

I wonder where excessive fears like these come from. Trauma in

childhood, a sensitive nature, a very active imagination? Or maybe all

of them, well blended. Did I, as her mother, play a role, however

unwittingly? I guess what amazes me is how unaware I was that she had

such deep fears.

SmileS!

Carol

Dan wrote:

>

> Carol,

>

> I can relate to what you said - as much from my observations of my

> sister than from myself. I have always tried to maintain a brave

> front even when I was terrified.

>

> My sister was terrified of burglars, even though she had a second-

> story window. Before going to bed she always looked under the bed

> and in the closet for burglars. I jokingly asked her what she would

> do if she found one. I realize now that I was cruel, but I didn't

> understand that then. Sometimes she woke up with night terrors. She

> is still terrified of lots of things - high places, cars, etc.

>

> I used to be afraid of people behind me, but now I am only a little

> nervous. Sometimes while getting a haircut it was all I could do to

> keep from dissolving in panic. I am 6 foot 4 inches tall so my

> height makes lots of people afraid of me. I feel so ashamed of that,

> if I am walking down the sidewalk and am going to pass somebody from

> behind I cross to the other side of the road so I won't scare them.

> Another checkmark on my list of reasons for wishing I were disabled -

> on crutches I wouldn't be faster than most people. I would be less

> frightening, less ashamed to be me.

>

> Another thing I am afraid of is talking on the telephone. I deal

> with it but I hate it. My wife wants me to make calls for her. She

> says she doesn't feel comfortable expressing herself in French. To

> me that is nonsense, her French is as good as mine and I can say what

> I want. The difficulty is knowing what I want to say, and trying to

> speak for somebody else is doubly difficult. I have been refusing

> this controlling behavior as much as possible, but it causes a lot of

> conflict.

>

> When I was into amateur radio I preferred Morse code to voice because

> it gave me time to compose my thoughts. The Internet is an ideal

> means of communication for me. Written English is my first language,

> spoken English is my second. I learned French the same way.

[Guest guest]

Beth, you won't believe this, but my daughter (in Michigan) and I (in

CA) had a marathon phone conversation last Saturday - over 8 hours! We

talked about some very deep stuff, including her deep-seated fears from

childhood that I never knew, her molestation as a child by mother's

brother which I knew about but she elaborated further, her lesbianism

which answered deeper questions I've had, and her feelings about the

breakup of her six year relationship with a woman. We talked about

stuff I've never dared ask before. And it was so easy, and so natural,

and so wonderful!

I love talking, talking, talking - anywhere, anyplace, anyway.

Telephones are great! It removes body-language, the same as on the

Internet. I don't have to wear make-up or look presentable. I can

lounge in bed, sip coffee, scratch my boob, or do any other

inappropriate behavior I choose, and no one knows. I can wiggle my foot

with impatience or fidget in my seat with nervousness, and no one

knows. No eye contact necessary. All that matters are the words, the

inflection and the tone. Pretty simple!

Smiles!

Carol

Beth wrote:

> I too really dislike using the phone. I vastly prefer IM'ing and

> e-mailing.

> I know people, as I'm sure you do, who love chatting on the phone,

> and I'm just stymied by them. What do they SAY?

[Guest guest]

When I was a kid, I remember being afraid of the dark, stuff like that,

but it wasn't overwhelming. Sleeping under the covers worked! And I

don't recall ever awakening from nightmares of any kind.

I guess the fears everyone is relating to here are much more serious

than that, right?

SmileS!

Carol

SmileS!

Carol

sherby2k wrote:

> When I was little, I would lock all my doors and windows and sleep

> under my down comforter - even if it was 110 degrees outside. If I

> was alone in the house I'd sleep with the lights on.

>

> Currently, I can't sleep in a room unless the door is locked. I check

> the lock three or four times before I can fall asleep (yes, this is a

> bit compulsive). I can't sit in a crowded room unless my back is to a

> wall (at restaurants I have to be at least facing most of the room).

>

> I've noticed that I'm always watching the people around me. I have to

> know where everybody is at all times (so for me, too, lines are a

> problem). I always jump when my husband is somewhere I'm not

> expecting him to be (if he's watching TV, for example, and I don't

> see him move into another room, he startles me when I find him there).

>

> To put it simply, I'm very untrusting of people. I felt extremely

> unsafe growing up, and these are all my little defenses to make me

> feel safer. My rock-solid marriage has improved things immensely for

> me, and I would assume that most people with these safety issues feel

> better once they find security and stability in their lives.

wrote:

> I used to do the same thing when standing in line! I would

> sometimes be so much to the side that it wasn't uncommon for me to

> lose my place, especially when I was in school.

> I was always really jumpy, I'm still a little bit, but I used to be

> so jumpy that it was something I'd get teased about. I was scared

> of everything, all the time, and didn't even know it until one day I

> wasn't.

Carol wrote:

> She says she has a terrible fear whenever anyone stands behind

> her, like in waiting lines. She says it's so strong she

> literally has to stand sideways so she can see who's behind her.

> Also, if she's walking down the sidewalk and someone approaches

> and passes her from behind, it's like a knife going through her

> until they've passed her. She's fine with people approaching from

> the front.

[Guest guest]

When I was a kid, I remember being afraid of the dark, stuff like that,

but it wasn't overwhelming. Sleeping under the covers worked! And I

don't recall ever awakening from nightmares of any kind.

I guess the fears everyone is relating to here are much more serious

than that, right?

SmileS!

Carol

SmileS!

Carol

sherby2k wrote:

> When I was little, I would lock all my doors and windows and sleep

> under my down comforter - even if it was 110 degrees outside. If I

> was alone in the house I'd sleep with the lights on.

>

> Currently, I can't sleep in a room unless the door is locked. I check

> the lock three or four times before I can fall asleep (yes, this is a

> bit compulsive). I can't sit in a crowded room unless my back is to a

> wall (at restaurants I have to be at least facing most of the room).

>

> I've noticed that I'm always watching the people around me. I have to

> know where everybody is at all times (so for me, too, lines are a

> problem). I always jump when my husband is somewhere I'm not

> expecting him to be (if he's watching TV, for example, and I don't

> see him move into another room, he startles me when I find him there).

>

> To put it simply, I'm very untrusting of people. I felt extremely

> unsafe growing up, and these are all my little defenses to make me

> feel safer. My rock-solid marriage has improved things immensely for

> me, and I would assume that most people with these safety issues feel

> better once they find security and stability in their lives.

wrote:

> I used to do the same thing when standing in line! I would

> sometimes be so much to the side that it wasn't uncommon for me to

> lose my place, especially when I was in school.

> I was always really jumpy, I'm still a little bit, but I used to be

> so jumpy that it was something I'd get teased about. I was scared

> of everything, all the time, and didn't even know it until one day I

> wasn't.

Carol wrote:

> She says she has a terrible fear whenever anyone stands behind

> her, like in waiting lines. She says it's so strong she

> literally has to stand sideways so she can see who's behind her.

> Also, if she's walking down the sidewalk and someone approaches

> and passes her from behind, it's like a knife going through her

> until they've passed her. She's fine with people approaching from

> the front.

[Guest guest]

> Thanks for sharing, . How are you handling it now? What

> things have you done that has helped? Can you relate it to stuff

> that happened in your past, perhaps in childhood?

>

> The really weird thing is, I never realized my daughter had this

> fear at all. She hides it very well.

>

> SmileS!

> Carol

Carol,

I don't know about your daughter's situation, for me, I think I

stopped directing all those fears and anxiety from trying to deal

with my parents onto other little things. (I was holding it all in,

it had to come out in little bits somehow) Now I don't have a

constant supply of anxiety to deal with.

To be honest, I didn't know how much anxiety I lived with on a daily

basis, until it was gone. I noticed it was gone all of a sudden, a

million little things I used to worry about just weren't there

anymore.

I think I hid it pretty well most of my life, it had been getting

more and more difficult to function like a " normal " person though, so

I don't know that I'd still be able to hide it. Now if I look back

at my life, I can see how much it held me back. It was taking so

much energy just to do simple things, I couldn't ever really set any

goals, let alone reach any! Now I feel like I can do anything I want

to do.

[Guest guest]

Hi -

I absolutely know in my heart that my choices of occupation were guided by my

limits generated from anxiety and fear. I was essentially agoraphobic for

probably about a decade- I was able to step out of that one with lots of

determination.

One of the most precise and detrimental overall is my fear of driving. I know

how- was taught on a 5-speed, have always had my license but I hate to drive. It

started with little panic attacks, especially when confronted with impatient

drivers, and finally longer and longer periods went by between trips (avoidance)

and now I just don't.

I try to figure it out. Sometimes I think I don't want control over something

that can accidentally kill.

It's a real constraint and I'm getting closer to wanting to change it.... but

not quite yet. }

take care,

Christy

Re: Fears

> Thanks for sharing, . How are you handling it now? What

> things have you done that has helped? Can you relate it to stuff

> that happened in your past, perhaps in childhood?

>

> The really weird thing is, I never realized my daughter had this

> fear at all. She hides it very well.

>

> SmileS!

> Carol

Carol,

I don't know about your daughter's situation, for me, I think I

stopped directing all those fears and anxiety from trying to deal

with my parents onto other little things. (I was holding it all in,

it had to come out in little bits somehow) Now I don't have a

constant supply of anxiety to deal with.

To be honest, I didn't know how much anxiety I lived with on a daily

basis, until it was gone. I noticed it was gone all of a sudden, a

million little things I used to worry about just weren't there

anymore.

I think I hid it pretty well most of my life, it had been getting

more and more difficult to function like a " normal " person though, so

I don't know that I'd still be able to hide it. Now if I look back

at my life, I can see how much it held me back. It was taking so

much energy just to do simple things, I couldn't ever really set any

goals, let alone reach any! Now I feel like I can do anything I want

to do.

[Guest guest]

Christy,

What you said about fears, choice of occupation, and driving could

describe my sister perfectly. Be patient, be good to yourself, you

sound like you are not destined to be stuck forever. I am sadder

about my sister, she believes she has a good reason for every one of

her fears and cannot consider changing.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Thanks Dan.

Sorry about your sister.

take care,

Christy

Re: Fears

Christy,

What you said about fears, choice of occupation, and driving could

describe my sister perfectly. Be patient, be good to yourself, you

sound like you are not destined to be stuck forever. I am sadder

about my sister, she believes she has a good reason for every one of

her fears and cannot consider changing.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Thanks Dan.

Sorry about your sister.

take care,

Christy

Re: Fears

Christy,

What you said about fears, choice of occupation, and driving could

describe my sister perfectly. Be patient, be good to yourself, you

sound like you are not destined to be stuck forever. I am sadder

about my sister, she believes she has a good reason for every one of

her fears and cannot consider changing.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

I to have much fears off and on in the life of me and some come and go

but most are of a permanent fear for me. My fears are of triggered by

logic that does not make of sense to me or things that move with

unpredictability. I to not like changes, fearful of many bugs, snakes,

and things with viciuous sharp teeth and or things that might bite of

me. Fearful of some storms, fearful of ocean storms, fearful of new

changes, fearful of certain noises, fearful of police, fearful of

certain voices, fearful of deep water, fearful of some toilets, fearful

of certain textures if by accident touch it, feaful of stair wells,

fearful of falling, fearful of hospitals and needles or testings, my

list can be to go on for a long time.

Sondra