Will It Ever Stop?

[Guest guest]

It's been a couple of years since I've been here and boy things have changed,

but I haven't left.

Short story, and most on here who used to see my posts have probably gone on to

other pastures. Our daughter was diagnosed with OCD in 6th grade - 7 years ago.

Over the years it has morphed (whack-a-mole syndrome) into many, many other

areas.

Going through her teen years, she hated taking the meds (gets that trait from

her mom) and refused to participate in therapy. She's seen multiple

psychiatrists, has been on multiple meds (Prozac, Abilify, Zoloft) and we've

been through more counselors than I can remember.

Now she's 18 and in a college she chose, which she now hates (it's private and

very strict). She bagged the meds ( " I'm a big girl now... " ). Life &

responsibility on her own. College - big eye opener to an immature and

rebellious teen. It's not the utopian society she envisioned in her dreams.

Yeah, now she has to live with people she may not like that much, she still has

to work, and she can't blame her issues on anyone other than herself (FINALLY

(we) her parents get a respite from being responsible for every thing that goes

wrong).

She came home this weekend for R & R - not missing us mind you, just hates the

school and misses the comforts of home. And this is where it gets " fun " .

Saturday night, anxiety and OCD in full gear - she overdosed, on purpose, on the

Zoloft that she quit taking a couple of months earlier. Smart kid - knew it

wouldn't kill her (she's researched all the meds), but she was angry at her

anxiety and desperate, and in the spur of the moment, OD'd. Made her sick as a

dog, and 12 hours later (she hid it from us) we were in the ER getting IV fluids

and talking to a counselor, who turned out to be really good.

Good things - breakthroughs during Christmas break with us shed light on just

how miserable she is at school and with her anxiety, and another one this

weekend in the ER. She realized with great freedom comes great responsibility,

and it's hard. But shes hated living this way all of her life. She has

decided, on her own, that meds and therapy might be worth a shot. Yes, a

breakthrough, and she's done it on her own (same thing we tried to do for 5

years). She said more to the counselor in the ER than she shared in all 5 years

of " parental mandated " therapy combined (where we were in control). She

revealed that her OCD is still definitely there and strong. Not the compulsive

behaviors so much that we knew 6 years ago, but the obsessive thoughts about a

lot of things, like how to deal with this anxiety. Anxiety, plus obsessive

thoughts about the anxiety. Wow, she withheld so much from us for so long. But

now she's much more open about it.

So, why am I writing? Not sure. Yeah, good stuff - some of it. But, she

overdosed, and is in a very fragile state right now. Anxiety always there,

unhappy at school, no meds, no therapist, low confidence in getting better (but

at least she's now open to it). If she can hang on we'll get there. But you all

know, finding good help is hard. Plus she's now legally an adult, and in

college, so we need new docs in far away places. In a good moment, she sees

potential. But OCD thoughts come soon, and all bets are off.

Do you know how hard it is to sit in an ER and listen to your child tell them

she did it on purpose? And then have someone come sit with you just to

" monitor " you (aka suicide watch)? Even though ending it was not her intent,

they don't know that (she went because she wanted to feel better and knew she

screwed up). Then we have to listen to them ask suicide/self harm based

questions, and advise that they can legally suggest she stay in here for 24 or

48 hours " if they think it's best. God that's another type of pain we've not

felt, and man we've been through a lot. She/we did manage to convince them she

wasn't suicidal, but impulsive and obsessive about her anxiety, and we've been

fighting it for a long time. But we couldn't get away from the fact that our

daughter was taking drug tests (only positive on the Zoloft - thank God) and

getting IV fluids to flush the overdoes of meds. Oh life is so full of

memories...

So we're searching for new docs in far away places, and ASAP. Wish us luck.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long post!