Ranch/Farm wife qualifications

[Guest guest]

With all the fuss about cloned meat (I raise my own,

thank you) I thought a little humor might be in order.

Bill Dunlap

Ranch (or farm) Wife Guidelines – From Kit Pharo,

Cheyenne Wells, CO

1. Always load your horse last in the trailer so it is

the first one unloaded. By the time he's got his horse

unloaded, you will have your cinch pulled and be

mounted up ready to go -- lessening the chance of him

riding off without you with your horse trying to

follow while you are still trying to get your foot in

the stirrup.

2. Never -- and I repeat never -- ever believe the

phrase " We'll be right back, " when he has asked you to

help him do something out on the ranch. The echoing

words, " this will only take a little while " have

filtered through generations of ranch wives and still

today should invoke sincere distrust in the woman who

hears them.

3. Always know there is NO romantic intention when he

pleadingly asks you to take a ride in the pickup with

him around the ranch while he checks waters and looks

at cattle. What that sweet request really means is

he wants someone to open the gates.

4. He will always expect you to quickly be able to

find one stray in a four-section brush-covered

pasture, but he will never be able to find the

mayonnaise jar in four-square feet of refrigerator.

5. Count every head of everything you see -- cattle

especially -- but sometimes horses, deer, quail or

whatever moves. Count it in the gate, out the gate

or on the horizon. The first time you don't count is

when he will have expected that you did. That blank

eyelash-batting look you give him when he asks, " How

many? " , will not be acceptable.

6. Know that you will never be able to ride a horse or

drive a pickup to suit him. Given the choice of

jobs, choose throwing the feed off the back of the

pickup. If he is on the back and you are driving,

the opportunity for constant criticism of speed,

ability and your eyesight will be utilized to the full

extent. " How in the *@*# could you NOT see that

hole? "

7. Never let yourself be on foot in the alley when he

is sorting cattle horseback. When he has shoved 20

head of running, bucking, kicking yearlings at you and

then hollers, " Hold 'em, hold 'em " , at the top of his

lungs, don't think that you really can do it without

loss of life or limb.

8. Don't expect him to correctly close the snap-on

tops on the plastic refrigerator containers, but know

he will expect you to always close every gate. His

reasoning, the cows will get out; the food will not.

9. Always praise him when he helps in the kitchen --

the very same way he does when you help with the ranch

work -- or not.

10. Know that when you step out of the house you move

from the " wife " department to " hired hand " status.

Although the word " hired " indicates there will be a

paycheck that you will never see, rest assured you

will have job security. The price is just right.

And most of the time you will be " the best help he

has " even if it is because you are the ONLY help he

has.

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