OT Hurricane Preparedness (humor)

[Guest guest]

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need>a refresher course: We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane>season. Any minute now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a>weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean>and making two basic meteorological points.>> >> (1) There is no need to panic.> (2) We could all be killed.>> >>Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're>new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to>prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.">> >>Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you>follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:>> >> STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for>at least three days.>> >> STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.>> >> STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.>> >>Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this>sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll>start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:>> >>HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane>insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as>long as your home meets two basic requirements:>> >> (1) It is reasonably well-built, and> (2) It is located in Wisconsin>> >>Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area>that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies>would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they>might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they>got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to>scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an>annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At>any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.>> >>SHUTTERS: >> >>Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the>doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and>disadvantages: >> >>Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them>yourself, they're cheap.> >Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you>get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,>your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.>> >>Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,>and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you>will have to sell your house to pay for them.>> >>Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane>protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand>hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.>He lives in Nebraska.>> >>Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check>your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio>furniture, visiting relatives, etc... you should, as a precaution,>throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming>pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane>winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.>> >>EVACUATION ROUTE: >> >>If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route>planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look>at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying>area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being>trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be>trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along>with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not>be lonely. >> >>HURRICANE SUPPLIES:>> >>If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy>them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last>possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights>with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to>food and water, you will need the following supplies:>> >>23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when>the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.>> >>Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the>bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)>> >>A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a>hurricane, but it looks cool.)>> >>A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask>anybody who went through ; after the hurricane, there WILL be>irate alligators.)>> >>$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you>can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.>> >>Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws>near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by>turning on your television if you have a generator that's working to>keep the TV going and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand>right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally>important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.>> >>Good luck and remember: It's great living in Paradise.