Re: Going from crazy to normal (was best ssri)

[Guest guest]

I had a similar experience in the " two versions of

me " . I've had times where I felt very crazy, but also

had lots of humor (had to laugh at myself a great

deal), and a very very busy mind, but also overwhelmed

w/anxiety and obsessions. I've had the experience

also of becoming " normal " . When it first happened, I

got almost lonely inside myself. My mind was QUIET.

A song that had been stuck in my head for many years

(Pink Floyd's " One of these Days " ) was gone. A lot of

other music that regularly played was gone (I used to

'insert' music in my mind to stop other circling

thoughts), and I didn't really know how to handle it's

absence. I was forced to 'wake up' to the world

around me more. I believe now that I've had something

like Tourette's for many years, and sometimes it was

just PANDAS (I think PANDAS is simply Tourette's w/out

the tics), and a lot of what I perceived my

personality as included the odd behaviors of squeaking

and leaping into the air, blurting out words, etc.

Most of the people I made friends with in my late

teens and early twenties and after I entered the work

force found me to be interesting as much because of my

significant oddness. It was a major part of my

identity.

It even affected the way I moved and walked. I

toe-walked - although I adjusted the walk early to a

toe-heel-toe-heel walk like a ballerina, and so I

glided. People always noticed it. I glided, and

everywhere I went someone always told me how

incredibly graceful I was, and I had beautiful legs

and calves from the toe-walking and need for high

heels. It affected my speech, and nearly every time I

opened my mouth to a stranger, they asked me where I

was from. I got a lot of attention for my oddness.

At work, it could be hard, as my behaviors sometimes

made me too strange and management was a hard thing to

step into, but I did make it there because of my

attitude and once people " got used to me " , they could

see my other traits. When I started 'normalizing' in

my late twenties, I did so much better at some things

that I had been striving for, but I also become a lot

more bored w/myself. When my 'uniqueness' wore

off, I got a lot less attention that I think was

helpful to my self-esteem, so I was forced to learn to

like myself differently. But being so different also

hurt - I had just managed to block it by laughing at

myself, because honestly, it was rather fascinating -

but confusing. Pregnancy completely normalized me and

I had to learn to walk in regular shoes, etc. I now

can't wear more than a moderate heel, and even that

still fascinates me.

Anyway, when PANDAS slammed me again in the last 3

years, and later I started having tics (nowhere near

like I used to have but rather a vague reminder), it

is NOT as amusing or interesting!!! I hate it, and I

want normal again. But it took me a couple of years

of being normal to learn to like it. I would drop it

in an instant. People are even asking me where I am

from again, and it shocks me and reminds me that I'm

not normal again, and instead the question triggers

anxiety - another feeling I can definitely live

without now that I've experienced what it's like not

to have it even being under tremoundous stress (early

days w/my first child).

The thing I learned most about experiencing 'normal'

was that I didn't have a lot of things that people

take for granted: true social skills, regular life

habits and interests, the ability to maintain a home

and feed myself, a self-esteem based on successes as

oposed to being unique. The ability to have solid

routines. The ability to manage stress. All these

things I still have to learn and grow with. Since I

didn't grow up w/these things, I need to learn them

now to have a good life, and it's a lot of work!

I really think that people who don't want to change

who have autistic traits (I also did) and want to

remain that way feel that way because it is the only

thing they know.

I emphatically say that while we are trying to make

our children " normal " and it feels like we are

battling them when we're battling , that it is

still the right thing to do. But whether we succeed

or not does not rule out the possibility for our kids

to have a good life and like who they are. We all

(most) end up in adulthood w/a lot of baggage and a

lot left to learn anyway, but oh how nice it would be

to end up there already half way done! (But not

exactly critical.)

Anyway, just rambling, as that particular " off topic "

has been in my mind again lately.

--- meljackmom <meljackmom@...> wrote:

> OFF TOPIC, but

> On the subject of SSRIs....it is such an

> intriguing/scary area. Has

> anyone seen the movie Prozac Nation? In the movie

> the main

> character says that she does not know who she is

> anymore...before

> medication she was crazy, but she knew herself. The

> person that is

> medicated, rational, less obsessive, more

> relaxed....well that was a

> stranger to her....better person, but a stranger.

> This is exactly

> how I feel sometimes about my son and ssri's....I

> feel like I am

> programming him to be someone as close to " normal "

> as possible,

> whether it is " him " or not. Wierd, huh?

>

>

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > Kristy,

> > > > >

> > > > > I have struggled with the whole SSRI thing

> for my

> > > > son. The first one we

> > > > > tried, Celexa, made him aggressive and hyper

> (not

> > > > so much at home, but

> > > > > definitely at school). Then we tried Zoloft

> and he

> > > > couldn't fall

> > > > asleep at

> > > > > night. Now he's on Paxil and it's been

> pretty good

> > > > (but I have to

> > > > give him

> > > > > slightly less than what the doctor px'd or

> it

> > > > makes him too spacey).

>

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