Guest guest Posted July 2, 2007 Report Share Posted July 2, 2007 Marcia - You said this before a while back, and I believe it's the most important advice I ever received. I wanted to thank you for that. It not only changed my hopelessness but straightened out my underlying resistance thinking that he 'wasn't ready' for exposure until he could interact. Huh? Already, when the right kid comes along, it's awesome to watch and he's only about to be eight. I am looking to move into a neighborhood with more children so that I can specifically arrange this type of environment. In the meantime, I travel to large subdivisions where I have a friend, and set up the water slide I bought a couple of years ago - strained my budget a bit for sure but will be paying for years, truly. And they come. Thanks for this reminder though. This summer has had less social contact and I've been feeling the guilt of that. I'm doing some studies on a great book called Boundaries, and this one is Boundaries with Kids. I highly recommend this so far! And one of the biggest problems I have personally is structure, and without good structure, I can't teach my kids structure. I don't even know what a typical day is supposed to be like for a kid, and somehow I need to " find this out " . To build my own (and for any others who've had trouble w/routines and meeting the basic needs of the home ie planning meals and cleaning etc) I'm following FlyLady.net ... also another recommendation for anyone else that needs that. So far so good. And if anyone else has found great tools for helping structure a day and activities to involve children in (and these kids are mostly developmentally 'there' at 6 & 8 except for where they've been lacking in appropriate discipline and expectations), I would appreciate the referral. Thanks again for this advice. --- and Marcia Hinds <hindssite@...> wrote: > Hey Rene, > My son is doing well and on his way to college on a > merit scholarship in the fall. I agree with Kristy, > if there is anyway your child can be mainstreamed > with an aide that is the way to go. At 6 or 7 I > never would have imagined that my son would have > accomplished all that he has. He couldn't even hold > a conversation. He had no volume control and was > monotone at times. We had to teach all of that. It > was exhausting. I am convinced it never would have > happened in a special ed program. But there are > some kids who could never be in a mainstreamed > program. Each kid is different. The medical from > Dr. G was essential. But the medical won't do it > without intense teaching to catch them up on all > they missed when their immune systems were > compromised. I would have to teach everything other > kids just learned naturally. It was like taking a > stroke victim and bringing him back only harder. My > son didn't have " real " friends until high school. > In elementary school I used to pray that someone > would invite him to a birthday party, but it never > happened. I take that back, it happened once but > was a disaster. It would have been easier on him to > home school him, but it wasn't what was best for > him. He had to join up with the rest of the world. > > To teach socialization, I would borrow other > people's kids. Playing with my son was not fun > because at first the other kids got no response. So > I made my house the Kool-aid place. I had the best > toys, and the best treats. We even built a Gucci > playhouse, got a trampoline, a Nintendo or anything > else that would be a kid attractor. Anything that > would make these kids want to come back because my > son was not fun to play with. Their parents loved > it because it was free babysitting that they didn't > have to reciprocate. I had > kids at my house at least two or three times a week. > We started with one kid and when he was ready, we > made it more than one.At first they came for a short > time and then longer. > > In the beginning, I was the one who played with the > other kids. I had to facilitate every interaction > with other kids. Fortunately our guests loved > the one on one attention and always wanted to come > back to play with me eventhough my son had bizarre > behavior. It was especially hard to watch the > differences between my child and " normal " kids. It > took quite some time until I could get my son to > join in and years until he could do it solo. > > At first he just hid in the back of the house when > anyone would come over. We used ABA and those > techniques to help me know how to get him to do > things that were hard for him. In the short turn, > it would have been much easier to let my son be > autistic. Easier > not to have the confrontations when I expected him > to do something he didn't want to do. I didn't want > to watch him scream when he didn't know what to do > with other kids. But if I had given in to him; he > never would have learned the right way to behave. > > I remember when was little he played with one > little girl he adored. It was always at our house > and I was the one to do everything, so her mom would > allow her to come over. This child always had fun > at my house (mostly from all the attention I gave > her because back then wasn't too fun to play > with). It was great for her mom because she would > get a break and never have to reciprocate. Anyway, > one day I picked her up to go sledding with and > me. When it was time for her to drop her off at > home, started screaming and having a major > meltdown because he didn't want her to leave. After > that, the little girl no longer wanted to play with > . At first I wasn't going to tell him about why > she didn't want to come over because I wanted to > protect his feelings, but then I realized that > wasn't really helping . I told him that the > little girl wouldn't be coming over to play anymore > because he screamed and acted bad when it was time > for her to go home and now she doesn't want to play > with him anymore. > > He and I cried together, but it was a turning point > for us. I no longer tried to protect him from the > world and let him feel the consequences of bad > behavior. This was a major step in making him join > the rest of the world. Our best intentions is to > protect our own children and at times we must > protect them from bullies and the difficulties they > face as a result of the autism. But if they are too > protected, they don't learn what is appropriate and > expected. When they are little and still cute > people excuse their weird behavior, but when they > get older this no longer applies. You are your > child's only hope. Only a parent would keep doing > this and all the things we have to do to help their > children get better. Also if you email me I have > lots of info to send that might help > Marcia > 805 497-8202 > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate in the Answers Food & Drink Q & A. http://answers./dir/?link=list & sid=396545367 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2007 Report Share Posted July 2, 2007 Marcia, Thank you!! Thank you (and your son) for 'paving the way' and reaffirming what is possible. You give me so much hope! Hugs, Kristy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2007 Report Share Posted July 2, 2007 Thank you all so much! Just so you know, we're not trying to isolate him. Homeschooling for us was not about not letting our kids socialize with others. It's a decision based on our beliefs that " parents are the primary educators of their children " We have 3 boys across the street and 3 girls that we have come over almost on a daily basis right now for about an hour...sometimes any combination of them come over 3 times a day to play. We are very Blessed to have a much larger yard than either of the two families and a pond which we put fish in, we're adding a water slide, kiddie pool etc. It IS painful to watch Tim interact so inappropriately with others and sometimes, I've had too much and I have to go inside myself or bring all my kids in for " lunch " or something. But, we keep trying and coaching him through it. I am actively seeking co-op groups where we can have a few classes a week in a group setting...we'll see. Side question: we took him off milk 2 days ago and he's acting " more autistic " ...is that usual at the begininning...we just can't seem to get through to him sometimes using our usual methods...touching on shoulder etc. etc. (We're still working on gluten, have to find the whole foods store around here...ston MI...anyone know?) Thanks > > Marcia, > > Thank you!! Thank you (and your son) for 'paving the way' and reaffirming > what is possible. You give me so much hope! > > Hugs, > > Kristy > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2007 Report Share Posted July 2, 2007 Marcia Connor is 9 and I am at the point where you just explained, that you and he cried after losing a friend. This is the most important post I have seen on this site or any other. Our kids understand if we just take the time to explain and have the patience to work through it. The ESE programs are about the " best " use of the funds to minimally help the most children in the epidemic we are enduring. I sit on the child advocacy board for the YMCA and realize that for every one hundred thousand dollars they get in grants they help one hundred kids minimally. To receive another one hundred thousand they need to attract one hundred more kids but do nothing to improve the services. This is the ESE dilemma. Avoid it if your son can even attempt to work in a GP population. Fight for a shadow or advocate that will force mainstreaming at the IEP. DO NOT DEPEND ON SOCIAL SERVICES OR THE SCHOOL BOARD THEIR GOALS ARE NOT YOURS!!!! --- and Marcia Hinds <hindssite@...> wrote: > Hey Rene, > My son is doing well and on his way to college on a > merit scholarship in the fall. I agree with Kristy, > if there is anyway your child can be mainstreamed > with an aide that is the way to go. At 6 or 7 I > never would have imagined that my son would have > accomplished all that he has. He couldn't even hold > a conversation. He had no volume control and was > monotone at times. We had to teach all of that. It > was exhausting. I am convinced it never would have > happened in a special ed program. But there are > some kids who could never be in a mainstreamed > program. Each kid is different. The medical from > Dr. G was essential. But the medical won't do it > without intense teaching to catch them up on all > they missed when their immune systems were > compromised. I would have to teach everything other > kids just learned naturally. It was like taking a > stroke victim and bringing him back only harder. My > son didn't have " real " friends until high school. > In elementary school I used to pray that someone > would invite him to a birthday party, but it never > happened. I take that back, it happened once but > was a disaster. It would have been easier on him to > home school him, but it wasn't what was best for > him. He had to join up with the rest of the world. > > To teach socialization, I would borrow other > people's kids. Playing with my son was not fun > because at first the other kids got no response. So > I made my house the Kool-aid place. I had the best > toys, and the best treats. We even built a Gucci > playhouse, got a trampoline, a Nintendo or anything > else that would be a kid attractor. Anything that > would make these kids want to come back because my > son was not fun to play with. Their parents loved > it because it was free babysitting that they didn't > have to reciprocate. I had > kids at my house at least two or three times a week. > We started with one kid and when he was ready, we > made it more than one.At first they came for a short > time and then longer. > > In the beginning, I was the one who played with the > other kids. I had to facilitate every interaction > with other kids. Fortunately our guests loved > the one on one attention and always wanted to come > back to play with me eventhough my son had bizarre > behavior. It was especially hard to watch the > differences between my child and " normal " kids. It > took quite some time until I could get my son to > join in and years until he could do it solo. > > At first he just hid in the back of the house when > anyone would come over. We used ABA and those > techniques to help me know how to get him to do > things that were hard for him. In the short turn, > it would have been much easier to let my son be > autistic. Easier > not to have the confrontations when I expected him > to do something he didn't want to do. I didn't want > to watch him scream when he didn't know what to do > with other kids. But if I had given in to him; he > never would have learned the right way to behave. > > I remember when was little he played with one > little girl he adored. It was always at our house > and I was the one to do everything, so her mom would > allow her to come over. This child always had fun > at my house (mostly from all the attention I gave > her because back then wasn't too fun to play > with). It was great for her mom because she would > get a break and never have to reciprocate. Anyway, > one day I picked her up to go sledding with and > me. When it was time for her to drop her off at > home, started screaming and having a major > meltdown because he didn't want her to leave. After > that, the little girl no longer wanted to play with > . At first I wasn't going to tell him about why > she didn't want to come over because I wanted to > protect his feelings, but then I realized that > wasn't really helping . I told him that the > little girl wouldn't be coming over to play anymore > because he screamed and acted bad when it was time > for her to go home and now she doesn't want to play > with him anymore. > > He and I cried together, but it was a turning point > for us. I no longer tried to protect him from the > world and let him feel the consequences of bad > behavior. This was a major step in making him join > the rest of the world. Our best intentions is to > protect our own children and at times we must > protect them from bullies and the difficulties they > face as a result of the autism. But if they are too > protected, they don't learn what is appropriate and > expected. When they are little and still cute > people excuse their weird behavior, but when they > get older this no longer applies. You are your > child's only hope. Only a parent would keep doing > this and all the things we have to do to help their > children get better. Also if you email me I have > lots of info to send that might help > Marcia > 805 497-8202 > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Finding fabulous fares is fun. Let FareChase search your favorite travel sites to find flight and hotel bargains. http://farechase./promo-generic-14795097 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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