Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 Hi Barbara, I think being able to accept other's differences if more difficult for some than for others--it just depends on temperament and upbringing. I was raised to believe there is one right way to do everything. So I was always yelling at my first husband that he was doing things wrong (when he did them--which is another topic). And he did the same to me. But now, years later, with quite a few years between husbands, I have evolved, at least in this respect. I know my husband's ways of doing things and thought processes are different from mine and it really doesn't matter. And he doesn't mind my differences, either. There's a lot to be said for marrying after you grow up--which does take longer for some of us! Khaya > > Hi, > > yes, it is a very interesting fact. and living with each other's > 'oppositeness' can be really difficult. what we have to focus on is that > we are different by necessity in order to make a home and it's needs > function successfully. we always fight over this stuff because we don't > think and act alike, but we need to view each other's differences as what > makes it all work. > > i think there are times when women wish they could focus more, while some > men wish they could multitask better. if we could only learn from each > other instead of fighting about it. > > now, if you figure out how to do all that let me know. i know how to say > it, and i understand it, but putting it into practice is the hard part!!!!! > > barbara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 20, 2012 Report Share Posted April 20, 2012 khaya,how true. i too, believed there was only one way of doing things, and of course, mine was the right way. ask any of the women in my family and we will all agree on that. lol but i was also raised to allow another way of thinking. we were encouraged to voice our opinion, right or wrong. and to disagree was also ok. although my dad preferred we take his suggestion it was not a sin not to. my husband's step father was a tyrant. there was only one way or do or think, his way. if you did not do it his way, think his way you were in real trouble. scary. he did the electric wiring in our home. at the time i didn't realize you couldn't disagree with him. i wanted to put in a whole house instant water heater and one under the kitchen sink. he refused the whole house one which was larger. so i said 'ok, but the one for the kitchen stays'. he said, 'who says'. i said, 'i do'. wow. he was silent, never had anyone in the family disagree with him. later my husband laughed and said his mom probably really enjoyed that. the hard thing is that my husband is stuck in the belief that there can be only one opinion. if there is a difference, than someone is wrong. it is hard to break out of those things we are taught and it will affect our entire outlook on life and relationships. it's hard to let someone do it differently, but as long as it gets done ok, what is the difference? we are such 'funny' creatures aren't we. barbara Hi Barbara, I think being able to accept other's differences if more difficult for some than for others--it just depends on temperament and upbringing. I was raised to believe there is one right way to do everything. So I was always yelling at my first husband that he was doing things wrong (when he did them--which is another topic). And he did the same to me. But now, years later, with quite a few years between husbands, I have evolved, at least in this respect. I know my husband's ways of doing things and thought processes are different from mine and it really doesn't matter. And he doesn't mind my differences, either. There's a lot to be said for marrying after you grow up--which does take longer for some of us! Khaya > > Hi, > > yes, it is a very interesting fact. and living with each other's > 'oppositeness' can be really difficult. what we have to focus on is that > we are different by necessity in order to make a home and it's needs > function successfully. we always fight over this stuff because we don't > think and act alike, but we need to view each other's differences as what > makes it all work. > > i think there are times when women wish they could focus more, while some > men wish they could multitask better. if we could only learn from each > other instead of fighting about it. > > now, if you figure out how to do all that let me know. i know how to say > it, and i understand it, but putting it into practice is the hard part!!!!! > > barbara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 21, 2012 Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 Barbara, During my single years I was engaged to a man who became more and more tyranical as the relationship progressed. I was in therapy, and my therapist knew my fiance, who was 13 years older than me. She told me that a person that age (at that time he was over 50) is very unlikely to change, so unless I was able to tolerate him the way he was, I would have to leave the relationship. And eventually I did. Having lived with tyrannical parents, I just couldn't take it. But I have observed many people " mellow " over the years. Some people get more rigid, while others get more relaxed about things. The longer we live, the more obvious it is that a lot of things really make no difference in the long run. And you have to pick your battles. Just let most things go by, and take exception to what's really important to you. If you're not challenging every little thing, it's easier to be heard when you do bring something up. And it's easier when you truly love each other--perhaps not easy, but easier. It's also easier when the second marriage is better than the first--like yours and mine. We can always look back and see how lucky we are now. I think part of the problem is that many men, no matter how enlightened they are, still operate under the assumption that the man is king of his castle. And we women do not appreciate that at all. These are things we often find out about each other after we've been married a while, when our true nature begins to show. But I think you've been married long enough that you and your husband know each other really well and accept each other for who you are, at least most of the time. I find when I don't feel well my tolerance is much lower. Lucky for me, my husband's tolerance level is almost always pretty high--partly because he meditates, and he runs. And we seem to alternate our severe health challenges. Boy--I hope we never are really sick at the same time! Which kind of is your predicament. Your husband is still recovering from surgery while you are going through withdrawal, so neither of you is totally available for the other. But I think the worst of all that is almost over. I certainly hope so! So just take a deep breath and focus on that light at the end of the tunnel. XOXOX, Khaya > > > > > > Hi, > > > > > > yes, it is a very interesting fact. and living with each other's > > > 'oppositeness' can be really difficult. what we have to focus on is that > > > we are different by necessity in order to make a home and it's needs > > > function successfully. we always fight over this stuff because we don't > > > think and act alike, but we need to view each other's differences as what > > > makes it all work. > > > > > > i think there are times when women wish they could focus more, while some > > > men wish they could multitask better. if we could only learn from each > > > other instead of fighting about it. > > > > > > now, if you figure out how to do all that let me know. i know how to say > > > it, and i understand it, but putting it into practice is the hard > > part!!!!! > > > > > > barbara > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 21, 2012 Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 khaya,i have to say my husband has endured a lot with me this last yr. not many could have taken it. but he has remained consistent in his care for me. i know i 'stretch' him to the limit, but he's still here. i think he is one who is trying to mellow with age. there are not many men in their 60's willing to take a look at their life and be willing to change what needs to be changed, just as your therapist said. he always tries to make my life easier. always wanting the best for me. he is generous with me and MY grown children, though he has grown children of his own. and on top of all this, his is always willing to go to town to get dinner. i feel i am lucky to have such a man. barbara Barbara, During my single years I was engaged to a man who became more and more tyranical as the relationship progressed. I was in therapy, and my therapist knew my fiance, who was 13 years older than me. She told me that a person that age (at that time he was over 50) is very unlikely to change, so unless I was able to tolerate him the way he was, I would have to leave the relationship. And eventually I did. Having lived with tyrannical parents, I just couldn't take it. But I have observed many people " mellow " over the years. Some people get more rigid, while others get more relaxed about things. The longer we live, the more obvious it is that a lot of things really make no difference in the long run. And you have to pick your battles. Just let most things go by, and take exception to what's really important to you. If you're not challenging every little thing, it's easier to be heard when you do bring something up. And it's easier when you truly love each other--perhaps not easy, but easier. It's also easier when the second marriage is better than the first--like yours and mine. We can always look back and see how lucky we are now. I think part of the problem is that many men, no matter how enlightened they are, still operate under the assumption that the man is king of his castle. And we women do not appreciate that at all. These are things we often find out about each other after we've been married a while, when our true nature begins to show. But I think you've been married long enough that you and your husband know each other really well and accept each other for who you are, at least most of the time. I find when I don't feel well my tolerance is much lower. Lucky for me, my husband's tolerance level is almost always pretty high--partly because he meditates, and he runs. And we seem to alternate our severe health challenges. Boy--I hope we never are really sick at the same time! Which kind of is your predicament. Your husband is still recovering from surgery while you are going through withdrawal, so neither of you is totally available for the other. But I think the worst of all that is almost over. I certainly hope so! So just take a deep breath and focus on that light at the end of the tunnel. XOXOX, Khaya > > > > > > Hi, > > > > > > yes, it is a very interesting fact. and living with each other's > > > 'oppositeness' can be really difficult. what we have to focus on is that > > > we are different by necessity in order to make a home and it's needs > > > function successfully. we always fight over this stuff because we don't > > > think and act alike, but we need to view each other's differences as what > > > makes it all work. > > > > > > i think there are times when women wish they could focus more, while some > > > men wish they could multitask better. if we could only learn from each > > > other instead of fighting about it. > > > > > > now, if you figure out how to do all that let me know. i know how to say > > > it, and i understand it, but putting it into practice is the hard > > part!!!!! > > > > > > barbara > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 21, 2012 Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 Hi Barbara, We are both very lucky in the husband department. Sometimes we complain--I'm not sure why. We really don't have much to complain about! Khaya > > > > > > > > > > Hi, > > > > > > > > > > yes, it is a very interesting fact. and living with each other's > > > > > 'oppositeness' can be really difficult. what we have to focus on is > > that > > > > > we are different by necessity in order to make a home and it's needs > > > > > function successfully. we always fight over this stuff because we > > don't > > > > > think and act alike, but we need to view each other's differences as > > what > > > > > makes it all work. > > > > > > > > > > i think there are times when women wish they could focus more, while > > some > > > > > men wish they could multitask better. if we could only learn from > > each > > > > > other instead of fighting about it. > > > > > > > > > > now, if you figure out how to do all that let me know. i know how to > > say > > > > > it, and i understand it, but putting it into practice is the hard > > > > part!!!!! > > > > > > > > > > barbara > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.