RE: Re:School problem - suspension and Consequences for Behavior

February 10, 2010

Marcia

You are so right. When Connor started in his first general ed classroom two or

three times a week I would get a call about inappropriate behaviors. Some were

terribly wrong like going into the girls bathroom and i would be called to

school. Others were just embarrassing to him like dropping his shorts and

underwear when standing at the urinal and being teased and ridiculed by other

boys.

Looking back, I blame the ESE classroom strategies that isolated him and

approved (even encouraged) in appropriate behaviors, like fourth graders holding

hands on the play ground.

At first I questioned my decision to put him in a completely un-structure

environment. I reality after about six weeks it just stopped. He realized that

he needed to fit in and he became very carefulÂ about his actions. Several of

the kids told me afterward tat he would ask them if this was OK or that was OK.

Yes they need to learn the repercussions of their actions and they must do it at

a young enough age to not get very serious consequences. and potentially legal

involvement. The school had the option of calling in the police for the girls

bathroom incident and if he was in middle school the would have.

From: and Marcia Hinds <hindssite@...>

Subject: Re:School problem - suspension and Consequences for Behavior

thecolemans4@...,

Date: Wednesday, February 10, 2010, 8:11 AM

Â

.

I feel so bad for what you are going through with your son. Been there and

done that and my heart breaks for what you are feeling. My son also did

inappropriate things to get the attention of other kids when he didn't know

how to get their attention the right way. The role playing was a great

suggestion on how to teach this. We did a lot of that. However, the most

important thing is to teach him how to behave and that he learns there are

consequences for his behavior.

As far as the suspension goes, sometimes we need to hurt our kids to help

them. I think by being suspended it will teach him not to do that again. I

remember when was little he played with one little girl he adored. It

was always at our house and I was the one to do everything, so her mom would

allow her to come over. This child always had fun at my house (mostly from

all the attention I gave her because back then wasn't too fun to play

with). It was great for her mom because she would get a break and never

have to reciprocate.

Anyway, one day I picked her up to go sledding with and me. When it

was time to drop her off at home, started screaming and having a major

meltdown because he didn't want her to leave. After that, the little girl

no longer wanted to play with . At first. I wasn't going to tell him

about why she didn't want to come over because I wanted to protect his

feelings, but then I realized that wasn't really helping . I told him

that the little girl wouldn't be coming over to play anymore because he

screamed and acted bad when it was time for her to go home. Now she doesn't

want to play with him anymore.

He and I cried together, but it was a turning point for us. I no longer

tried to protect him from the world and let him feel the consequences of bad

behavior. This was a major step in making him join the rest of the world.

Our instinct and best intention is to protect our children. At times we must

protect them from bullies and the difficulties they face as a result of the

autism. But if they are too protected, they don't learn what is appropriate

and expected. When they are little and still cute people excuse their weird

behavior, but when they get older this no longer applies.

Use this as a learning lesson with your son. Ask him how he could have done

things differently to avoid suspension. I know this looks bad now but in

the long run this is a very important lesson for him to learn about the

consequences of his behavior.

As moms we want to protect them from everything. That is our job but

sometimes we have to fight our instincts to do what is best for them. One

day we won't be there anymore and they have to learn what is acceptable and

what is not.

I would have a good cry and pick myself up and start again. Only a parent

would keep doing this and all the things we have to do to help their

children get better. Call if you need to vent!!! Unlike most of your

friends (if you have any left after all the things our kids do to embarrass

us) I do get it.

Marcia

805 497-8202

February 11, 2010

I totally understand how you feel. I was having the same problem with my

son at the beginning of 2009. We tried ABA, time outs, taking his favorite

toys away and talking to him. Nothing seemed to work. “Dr. Goldberg asked

me. What would your parents or your parent’s parent done if their children

didn’t listen to them and misbehave? You have to do the same thing with

your child. If you want your child to be like any other child you have to

treat him the same way” I didn’t believe him at first, but then I went home

and “was not nice to him when he was misbehaving” and he doesn’t cause

problems anymore and he is much better behaved. When we are in public and

his starts to misbehave now I just “give him the look” and he knows what I

mean by it. At first it hurt me treating him bad, because I always say that

it is not his fault that he “was so ill”, but now that I think about it ,

what I did was for his own good.

Regards,

JR

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of

vanessagamarrac1

Sent: Thursday, February 11, 2010 9:02 AM

Subject: Re:School problem - suspension and Consequences for Behavior

HI:

I am having similar problems; my daughter ia, is aplying to school this

year.

Since the begining of the treatment, things were ok, she used to be a quiet

girl.

She is being making good progress, but this last month, she is becoming very

demanding, if she wants something, she just scream and to avoid problems we

use to run after her and give what she wants, so she have 3 slaves at home

(the parents and the sister).

In therapy, she is very nice, and work perfect, obeys the therapist. Also in

the kinder she was ok.

But yesterday when we went to the psichologist of the school for the

evaluation, she was terrific, she just want a paper a pencil and make us

wrote the specific words that she likes, she cries, she didn´t want to do

anything, of course father and mother wanted to be sis feet under.

Any way the pshic was nice, accept her in the regular school (what in my

country is very difficult for a kid like her), but recommends a conductist

therapist, and if she acts like this in classes i must remove her from the

school.

Of course the conductist therapist is for us, but i don´t feel very

confortable with this idea.

Any advice, any similar situation, some tips to help her would be really

appreciate.

Thanks

>

> .

>

> I feel so bad for what you are going through with your son. Been there and

> done that and my heart breaks for what you are feeling. My son also did

> inappropriate things to get the attention of other kids when he didn't

know

> how to get their attention the right way. The role playing was a great

> suggestion on how to teach this. We did a lot of that. However, the most

> important thing is to teach him how to behave and that he learns there are

> consequences for his behavior.

>

> As far as the suspension goes, sometimes we need to hurt our kids to help

> them. I think by being suspended it will teach him not to do that again. I

> remember when was little he played with one little girl he adored. It

> was always at our house and I was the one to do everything, so her mom

would

> allow her to come over. This child always had fun at my house (mostly from

> all the attention I gave her because back then wasn't too fun to play

> with). It was great for her mom because she would get a break and never

> have to reciprocate.

>

> Anyway, one day I picked her up to go sledding with and me. When it

> was time to drop her off at home, started screaming and having a

major

> meltdown because he didn't want her to leave. After that, the little girl

> no longer wanted to play with . At first. I wasn't going to tell him

> about why she didn't want to come over because I wanted to protect his

> feelings, but then I realized that wasn't really helping . I told him

> that the little girl wouldn't be coming over to play anymore because he

> screamed and acted bad when it was time for her to go home. Now she

doesn't

> want to play with him anymore.

>

> He and I cried together, but it was a turning point for us. I no longer

> tried to protect him from the world and let him feel the consequences of

bad

> behavior. This was a major step in making him join the rest of the world.

> Our instinct and best intention is to protect our children. At times we

must

> protect them from bullies and the difficulties they face as a result of

the

> autism. But if they are too protected, they don't learn what is

appropriate

> and expected. When they are little and still cute people excuse their

weird

> behavior, but when they get older this no longer applies.

>

> Use this as a learning lesson with your son. Ask him how he could have

done

> things differently to avoid suspension. I know this looks bad now but in

> the long run this is a very important lesson for him to learn about the

> consequences of his behavior.

>

> As moms we want to protect them from everything. That is our job but

> sometimes we have to fight our instincts to do what is best for them. One

> day we won't be there anymore and they have to learn what is acceptable

and

> what is not.

>

> I would have a good cry and pick myself up and start again. Only a parent

> would keep doing this and all the things we have to do to help their

> children get better. Call if you need to vent!!! Unlike most of your

> friends (if you have any left after all the things our kids do to

embarrass

> us) I do get it.

>

> Marcia

>

> 805 497-8202

>

February 11, 2010

,

That is exactly what we do, and it’s very effective. It’s almost as though

my son needs a certain amount of sternness to learn, and it has, for the

most part, curbed any behaviors.

I have “the look” down! Even my husband is afraid of it ;-)

Kristy

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of

Sent: Thursday, February 11, 2010 8:15 AM

Subject: RE: Re:School problem - suspension and Consequences for

Behavior