RE: The social is the last to come

September 29, 2009

Marcia,

This is a great post! Would you mind if I shared it with another ASD

mom that I know?

Thanks!

Janelle Hall

Seattle

The social is the last to come

Kristy,

The social is the last to come. My son was like yours and did well

academically, but still had trouble socially. I have come to realize

that it

doesn't matter when friends happen just as long as they gain the needed

social skills so they know what to do when it does happen . didn't

have true friends until college. Now he finally fits and is extremely

social.

In elementary and middle school, I cried because he was never invited to

birthday parties. I used to pray anyone would invite him over. But it

didn't happen until middle school and then it was rare. Middle school

was a

nightmare because he was bullied horribly back then. In middle school,

he

hung with the foreign kids because they were also socially different.

For high school, we went from Minnesota to California because

begged us

to move. He wanted to escape the bullying. I was afraid the schools

wouldn't be as good, but I was wrong. He got a new start in California

and

reinvented himself. The kids were nicer, but my husband and I were still

the entertainment committee on the weekends. didn't have many

friends.

He never went to the football games and only occasionally went to school

events. He was always scared to initiate a social activity because of

the

fear of rejection. The past bullying had hurt his confidence and he was

the

last one friends picked to hang with. In High School was on the

fringe

looking in and learning how the social stuff worked. Back then, had

one friend who always needed a ride because he didn't drive. was

his

personal chauffer. I know this kid was using him, but I didn't care

because

it was good socially for my kid. So I kept the tank filled with gas.

In college, I used the car again to help him socially. Freshmen were not

allowed to have cars on campus. I got special permission for him to have

a

car. I lied and said he needed to drive home to see Dr. Goldberg. So the

kids in the dorm had him drive them everywhere. He took girls to get

body

piercings and the trips to the mall were constant. That way, he didn't

have

to initiate the contact. They found him to get a rides.

In time, the transformation to becoming a social animal was complete. He

even joined a fraternity. Now I don't see anything lacking in his social

skills. This summer he took trips to San Diego from LA to stay with his

college friends. He is making up for lost time and all the things he

missed. I happy to report this kid has an occasional beer and parties

too.

I know it is kind of weird and backwards for a mom to want their kid to

be a

part of the drinking scene in college, but it is what college kids do.

Even

back in elementary and middle school I would love it every time he got

in

trouble for talking too much. That meant he was being social and social

was

good.

The social doesn't without much intervention. When was younger, I

had

no clue as to how to do this. I trusted my gut and started the social

interaction with peers at about four or five. Back then, we only had

friends maybe once a week. He didn't want anyone to come over. I used to

tell him he didn't have a choice either he could pick who was coming for

a

play date or I would.

I would borrow other people's kids to teach socialization. In the

beginning

I was the one who played with the other kids because they got no

response

from . I made my house the Kool-aid place. I had the best toys, and

the

best treats. We even built a Gucci playhouse, got a trampoline, a

Nintendo

or anything else that would be a kid attractor. I wanted these kids to

come

back because my son was not fun to play with. I had to facilitate every

interaction. We would play board games or video games where the rules

for

social interaction were clear. Their parents loved it because it was

free

babysitting that they didn't have to reciprocate. I had kids at my house

at

least two to three times a week. After he could handle interaction with

one

kid I moved to two kids and small groups to play at my house. At first

they

came for a short time and then longer.

One set of neighbor kids practically lived at my house because the mom

worked the graveyard shift. This mom was a user and the one time she

actually took all the neighborhood kids on a bike ride, she told he

couldn't go because he was too slow. I hated her for that, but I still

had

her kids. Free day care for her, but more importantly typical kids for

to learn from.

Going to the park or the movies with them were our field trips. Playing

on

the equipment at the park or sitting in a movie didn't take advanced

social

skills. I usually picked the kids whose parents were too busy to spend

much

time with them. Fortunately our guests loved the one on one attention

and

always wanted to come back to play with me even though my son had

bizarre

behavior. It was exhausting and especially hard to watch the differences

between my child and " normal " kids. It took quite some time until I

could

get my son to join in and years until he could do it solo.

At first he just hid in the back of the house when anyone would come

over.

We used ABA and those techniques to help get him to do things that were

hard

for him. In the short term, it would have been much easier to let

be

autistic. Easier to let him wander the house plugging in his portable

radio

over and over again in every outlet in the house. Easier not to have the

confrontations when I expected him to do something he didn't want to do.

I

didn't want to watch him scream when he didn't know what to do with

other

kids. But if I had given in to him; he never would have learned the

right

way to behave. Staying autistic was not an option.

I wish the internet had been in use when I was doing this. There are a

ton

more books on the subject of " Friends or Friendship " to read to your kid

or

just to give you ideas. There is one inexpensive paperback I found

helpful

called " How Kids Make Friends " by Lonny . You can get it on

Amazon.

I know it takes tremendous energy to do the social stuff, but what

choice do

we have? We are all their only hope for recovery. The schools can help,

but no will do this for you. If I had known back then, he would

eventually

get better I would have had the energy to do more. The hardest part is

getting up every day and continuing when you think they will always be

autistic and nothing can help. This is a long grueling process and not

for

sissies.

I hope this isn't too long of a response and it helps you. Are you still

awake?

Marcia Hinds

805 497-8202

September 29, 2009

Hi Marcia,

I stayed awake! Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I just love

your story and I am so grateful you continue to share it. I'm sooooo glad

your son has " made it " . I can't wait to someday see his baby's pictures

(if/when he has a family). I have two ultimate dreams for my son.that he has

a fulfilling career and that he makes me a grandma ;-)

Kristy

From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of Marcia

Hinds

Sent: Tuesday, September 29, 2009 9:53 AM

knardini@...;

Subject: The social is the last to come

Kristy,

The social is the last to come. My son was like yours and did well

academically, but still had trouble socially. I have come to realize that it

doesn't matter when friends happen just as long as they gain the needed

social skills so they know what to do when it does happen . didn't

have true friends until college. Now he finally fits and is extremely

social.

In elementary and middle school, I cried because he was never invited to

birthday parties. I used to pray anyone would invite him over. But it

didn't happen until middle school and then it was rare. Middle school was a

nightmare because he was bullied horribly back then. In middle school, he

hung with the foreign kids because they were also socially different.

For high school, we went from Minnesota to California because begged us

to move. He wanted to escape the bullying. I was afraid the schools

wouldn't be as good, but I was wrong. He got a new start in California and

reinvented himself. The kids were nicer, but my husband and I were still

the entertainment committee on the weekends. didn't have many friends.

He never went to the football games and only occasionally went to school

events. He was always scared to initiate a social activity because of the

fear of rejection. The past bullying had hurt his confidence and he was the

last one friends picked to hang with. In High School was on the fringe

looking in and learning how the social stuff worked. Back then, had

one friend who always needed a ride because he didn't drive. was his

personal chauffer. I know this kid was using him, but I didn't care because

it was good socially for my kid. So I kept the tank filled with gas.

In college, I used the car again to help him socially. Freshmen were not

allowed to have cars on campus. I got special permission for him to have a

car. I lied and said he needed to drive home to see Dr. Goldberg. So the

kids in the dorm had him drive them everywhere. He took girls to get body

piercings and the trips to the mall were constant. That way, he didn't have

to initiate the contact. They found him to get a rides.

In time, the transformation to becoming a social animal was complete. He

even joined a fraternity. Now I don't see anything lacking in his social

skills. This summer he took trips to San Diego from LA to stay with his

college friends. He is making up for lost time and all the things he

missed. I happy to report this kid has an occasional beer and parties too.

I know it is kind of weird and backwards for a mom to want their kid to be a

part of the drinking scene in college, but it is what college kids do. Even

back in elementary and middle school I would love it every time he got in

trouble for talking too much. That meant he was being social and social was

good.

The social doesn't without much intervention. When was younger, I had

no clue as to how to do this. I trusted my gut and started the social

interaction with peers at about four or five. Back then, we only had

friends maybe once a week. He didn't want anyone to come over. I used to

tell him he didn't have a choice either he could pick who was coming for a

play date or I would.

I would borrow other people's kids to teach socialization. In the beginning

I was the one who played with the other kids because they got no response

from . I made my house the Kool-aid place. I had the best toys, and the

best treats. We even built a Gucci playhouse, got a trampoline, a Nintendo

or anything else that would be a kid attractor. I wanted these kids to come

back because my son was not fun to play with. I had to facilitate every

interaction. We would play board games or video games where the rules for

social interaction were clear. Their parents loved it because it was free

babysitting that they didn't have to reciprocate. I had kids at my house at

least two to three times a week. After he could handle interaction with one

kid I moved to two kids and small groups to play at my house. At first they

came for a short time and then longer.

One set of neighbor kids practically lived at my house because the mom

worked the graveyard shift. This mom was a user and the one time she

actually took all the neighborhood kids on a bike ride, she told he

couldn't go because he was too slow. I hated her for that, but I still had

her kids. Free day care for her, but more importantly typical kids for

to learn from.

Going to the park or the movies with them were our field trips. Playing on

the equipment at the park or sitting in a movie didn't take advanced social

skills. I usually picked the kids whose parents were too busy to spend much

time with them. Fortunately our guests loved the one on one attention and

always wanted to come back to play with me even though my son had bizarre

behavior. It was exhausting and especially hard to watch the differences

between my child and " normal " kids. It took quite some time until I could

get my son to join in and years until he could do it solo.

At first he just hid in the back of the house when anyone would come over.

We used ABA and those techniques to help get him to do things that were hard

for him. In the short term, it would have been much easier to let be

autistic. Easier to let him wander the house plugging in his portable radio

over and over again in every outlet in the house. Easier not to have the

confrontations when I expected him to do something he didn't want to do. I

didn't want to watch him scream when he didn't know what to do with other

kids. But if I had given in to him; he never would have learned the right

way to behave. Staying autistic was not an option.

I wish the internet had been in use when I was doing this. There are a ton

more books on the subject of " Friends or Friendship " to read to your kid or

just to give you ideas. There is one inexpensive paperback I found helpful

called " How Kids Make Friends " by Lonny . You can get it on Amazon.

I know it takes tremendous energy to do the social stuff, but what choice do

we have? We are all their only hope for recovery. The schools can help,

but no will do this for you. If I had known back then, he would eventually

get better I would have had the energy to do more. The hardest part is

getting up every day and continuing when you think they will always be

autistic and nothing can help. This is a long grueling process and not for

sissies.

I hope this isn't too long of a response and it helps you. Are you still

awake?

Marcia Hinds

805 497-8202

October 1, 2009

Hi Marcia,

I've done so much of what you suggest, but it all seems to go for naught. Kids

seem to actually like and they try to include him, but he resists their

attempts at friendship, and when I push him he goes into " autism " mode by

scripting and zoning out so that kids will leave him alone. Today before

school, I could tell he was very anxious. When I asked him what was feeling so

nervous about, he said " The kids at school. They annoy me. " Why do they annoy

him? " They tell me secrets. " I don't really know what that means, and he

wouldn't elaborate, but it sounds like they're overwhelming him with attention!

So, about a kid who seems to really, truly, not be interested in having friends?

All this said, I *have* seen him enjoy himself with the other kids, so long as

he doesn't have to do a lot of conversing, or athletic activity, because he's

smaller and less skilled physically than most kids his age.

He's getting a dog -- a fully-trained Golden Retriever -- this weekend. I

really hope the dog helps him overcome this extreme need to isolate himself.

Donna

>

> Kristy,

>

> The social is the last to come. My son was like yours and did well

> academically, but still had trouble socially. I have come to realize that it

> doesn't matter when friends happen just as long as they gain the needed

> social skills so they know what to do when it does happen . didn't

> have true friends until college. Now he finally fits and is extremely

> social.

>

> In elementary and middle school, I cried because he was never invited to

> birthday parties. I used to pray anyone would invite him over. But it

> didn't happen until middle school and then it was rare. Middle school was a

> nightmare because he was bullied horribly back then. In middle school, he

> hung with the foreign kids because they were also socially different.

>

> For high school, we went from Minnesota to California because begged us

> to move. He wanted to escape the bullying. I was afraid the schools

> wouldn't be as good, but I was wrong. He got a new start in California and

> reinvented himself. The kids were nicer, but my husband and I were still

> the entertainment committee on the weekends. didn't have many friends.

> He never went to the football games and only occasionally went to school

> events. He was always scared to initiate a social activity because of the

> fear of rejection. The past bullying had hurt his confidence and he was the

> last one friends picked to hang with. In High School was on the fringe

> looking in and learning how the social stuff worked. Back then, had

> one friend who always needed a ride because he didn't drive. was his

> personal chauffer. I know this kid was using him, but I didn't care because

> it was good socially for my kid. So I kept the tank filled with gas.

>

> In college, I used the car again to help him socially. Freshmen were not

> allowed to have cars on campus. I got special permission for him to have a

> car. I lied and said he needed to drive home to see Dr. Goldberg. So the

> kids in the dorm had him drive them everywhere. He took girls to get body

> piercings and the trips to the mall were constant. That way, he didn't have

> to initiate the contact. They found him to get a rides.

>

> In time, the transformation to becoming a social animal was complete. He

> even joined a fraternity. Now I don't see anything lacking in his social

> skills. This summer he took trips to San Diego from LA to stay with his

> college friends. He is making up for lost time and all the things he

> missed. I happy to report this kid has an occasional beer and parties too.

> I know it is kind of weird and backwards for a mom to want their kid to be a

> part of the drinking scene in college, but it is what college kids do. Even

> back in elementary and middle school I would love it every time he got in

> trouble for talking too much. That meant he was being social and social was

> good.

>

> The social doesn't without much intervention. When was younger, I had

> no clue as to how to do this. I trusted my gut and started the social

> interaction with peers at about four or five. Back then, we only had

> friends maybe once a week. He didn't want anyone to come over. I used to

> tell him he didn't have a choice either he could pick who was coming for a

> play date or I would.

>

> I would borrow other people's kids to teach socialization. In the beginning

> I was the one who played with the other kids because they got no response

> from . I made my house the Kool-aid place. I had the best toys, and the

> best treats. We even built a Gucci playhouse, got a trampoline, a Nintendo

> or anything else that would be a kid attractor. I wanted these kids to come

> back because my son was not fun to play with. I had to facilitate every

> interaction. We would play board games or video games where the rules for

> social interaction were clear. Their parents loved it because it was free

> babysitting that they didn't have to reciprocate. I had kids at my house at

> least two to three times a week. After he could handle interaction with one

> kid I moved to two kids and small groups to play at my house. At first they

> came for a short time and then longer.

>

> One set of neighbor kids practically lived at my house because the mom

> worked the graveyard shift. This mom was a user and the one time she

> actually took all the neighborhood kids on a bike ride, she told he

> couldn't go because he was too slow. I hated her for that, but I still had

> her kids. Free day care for her, but more importantly typical kids for

> to learn from.

>

> Going to the park or the movies with them were our field trips. Playing on

> the equipment at the park or sitting in a movie didn't take advanced social

> skills. I usually picked the kids whose parents were too busy to spend much

> time with them. Fortunately our guests loved the one on one attention and

> always wanted to come back to play with me even though my son had bizarre

> behavior. It was exhausting and especially hard to watch the differences

> between my child and " normal " kids. It took quite some time until I could

> get my son to join in and years until he could do it solo.

>

> At first he just hid in the back of the house when anyone would come over.

> We used ABA and those techniques to help get him to do things that were hard

> for him. In the short term, it would have been much easier to let be

> autistic. Easier to let him wander the house plugging in his portable radio

> over and over again in every outlet in the house. Easier not to have the

> confrontations when I expected him to do something he didn't want to do. I

> didn't want to watch him scream when he didn't know what to do with other

> kids. But if I had given in to him; he never would have learned the right

> way to behave. Staying autistic was not an option.

>

> I wish the internet had been in use when I was doing this. There are a ton

> more books on the subject of " Friends or Friendship " to read to your kid or

> just to give you ideas. There is one inexpensive paperback I found helpful

> called " How Kids Make Friends " by Lonny . You can get it on Amazon.

>

> I know it takes tremendous energy to do the social stuff, but what choice do

> we have? We are all their only hope for recovery. The schools can help,

> but no will do this for you. If I had known back then, he would eventually

> get better I would have had the energy to do more. The hardest part is

> getting up every day and continuing when you think they will always be

> autistic and nothing can help. This is a long grueling process and not for

> sissies.

>

> I hope this isn't too long of a response and it helps you. Are you still

> awake?

>

> Marcia Hinds

>

> 805 497-8202

>

October 2, 2009

Donna

Who did you get the dog though?

From: donnaaron@... <donnaaron@...>

Subject: Re: The social is the last to come

Date: Thursday, October 1, 2009, 12:42 PM