The social is the last to come

[Guest guest]

Kristy,

The social is the last to come. My son was like yours and did well

academically, but still had trouble socially. I have come to realize that it

doesn't matter when friends happen just as long as they gain the needed

social skills so they know what to do when it does happen . didn't

have true friends until college. Now he finally fits and is extremely

social.

In elementary and middle school, I cried because he was never invited to

birthday parties. I used to pray anyone would invite him over. But it

didn't happen until middle school and then it was rare. Middle school was a

nightmare because he was bullied horribly back then. In middle school, he

hung with the foreign kids because they were also socially different.

For high school, we went from Minnesota to California because begged us

to move. He wanted to escape the bullying. I was afraid the schools

wouldn't be as good, but I was wrong. He got a new start in California and

reinvented himself. The kids were nicer, but my husband and I were still

the entertainment committee on the weekends. didn't have many friends.

He never went to the football games and only occasionally went to school

events. He was always scared to initiate a social activity because of the

fear of rejection. The past bullying had hurt his confidence and he was the

last one friends picked to hang with. In High School was on the fringe

looking in and learning how the social stuff worked. Back then, had

one friend who always needed a ride because he didn't drive. was his

personal chauffer. I know this kid was using him, but I didn't care because

it was good socially for my kid. So I kept the tank filled with gas.

In college, I used the car again to help him socially. Freshmen were not

allowed to have cars on campus. I got special permission for him to have a

car. I lied and said he needed to drive home to see Dr. Goldberg. So the

kids in the dorm had him drive them everywhere. He took girls to get body

piercings and the trips to the mall were constant. That way, he didn't have

to initiate the contact. They found him to get a rides.

In time, the transformation to becoming a social animal was complete. He

even joined a fraternity. Now I don't see anything lacking in his social

skills. This summer he took trips to San Diego from LA to stay with his

college friends. He is making up for lost time and all the things he

missed. I happy to report this kid has an occasional beer and parties too.

I know it is kind of weird and backwards for a mom to want their kid to be a

part of the drinking scene in college, but it is what college kids do. Even

back in elementary and middle school I would love it every time he got in

trouble for talking too much. That meant he was being social and social was

good.

The social doesn't without much intervention. When was younger, I had

no clue as to how to do this. I trusted my gut and started the social

interaction with peers at about four or five. Back then, we only had

friends maybe once a week. He didn't want anyone to come over. I used to

tell him he didn't have a choice either he could pick who was coming for a

play date or I would.

I would borrow other people's kids to teach socialization. In the beginning

I was the one who played with the other kids because they got no response

from . I made my house the Kool-aid place. I had the best toys, and the

best treats. We even built a Gucci playhouse, got a trampoline, a Nintendo

or anything else that would be a kid attractor. I wanted these kids to come

back because my son was not fun to play with. I had to facilitate every

interaction. We would play board games or video games where the rules for

social interaction were clear. Their parents loved it because it was free

babysitting that they didn't have to reciprocate. I had kids at my house at

least two to three times a week. After he could handle interaction with one

kid I moved to two kids and small groups to play at my house. At first they

came for a short time and then longer.

One set of neighbor kids practically lived at my house because the mom

worked the graveyard shift. This mom was a user and the one time she

actually took all the neighborhood kids on a bike ride, she told he

couldn't go because he was too slow. I hated her for that, but I still had

her kids. Free day care for her, but more importantly typical kids for

to learn from.

Going to the park or the movies with them were our field trips. Playing on

the equipment at the park or sitting in a movie didn't take advanced social

skills. I usually picked the kids whose parents were too busy to spend much

time with them. Fortunately our guests loved the one on one attention and

always wanted to come back to play with me even though my son had bizarre

behavior. It was exhausting and especially hard to watch the differences

between my child and " normal " kids. It took quite some time until I could

get my son to join in and years until he could do it solo.

At first he just hid in the back of the house when anyone would come over.

We used ABA and those techniques to help get him to do things that were hard

for him. In the short term, it would have been much easier to let be

autistic. Easier to let him wander the house plugging in his portable radio

over and over again in every outlet in the house. Easier not to have the

confrontations when I expected him to do something he didn't want to do. I

didn't want to watch him scream when he didn't know what to do with other

kids. But if I had given in to him; he never would have learned the right

way to behave. Staying autistic was not an option.

I wish the internet had been in use when I was doing this. There are a ton

more books on the subject of " Friends or Friendship " to read to your kid or

just to give you ideas. There is one inexpensive paperback I found helpful

called " How Kids Make Friends " by Lonny . You can get it on Amazon.

I know it takes tremendous energy to do the social stuff, but what choice do

we have? We are all their only hope for recovery. The schools can help,

but no will do this for you. If I had known back then, he would eventually

get better I would have had the energy to do more. The hardest part is

getting up every day and continuing when you think they will always be

autistic and nothing can help. This is a long grueling process and not for

sissies.

I hope this isn't too long of a response and it helps you. Are you still

awake?

Marcia Hinds

805 497-8202

[Guest guest]

Well said Marcia. I grew tired of hearing about my son's beautiful blue

eyes every time there was a termly review of an IEP. Aged 4 it was nice to

know that being a physically beautiful looking child was at least in his

favour but by the time you have heard it every review alongside a cheerful he

had 'almost achieved'

(yet again!) his targets you realise you are confronting a passive form

of discrimination (and a fair degree of incompetence in this case) namely

that being different means lowering expectations basically to the floor! My

son suffered such discrimination until he had a breakdown at 9 and when we

finally confronted the discrimination ignorance and incompetence we saw

the real child begin to emerge and 5 years on we have a child who is a

success story against predicted outcome.

In a message dated 12/10/2009 13:15:30 GMT Daylight Time,

hindssite@... writes:

,

Sometimes when we tell people about the " A-word, " they lower expectations

for our kids. I once had a piano teacher who I truly trusted and confided

in. As soon as he knew about , things were never the same and I had to

stop the lessons. The only year in school I felt did not progress as

much as I wanted was second grade. That was the only teacher I did not pick

myself. They put him with someone with a special ed. credential and a

down's kid of her own. She was very nice, tried to help, but not right for

. Just a little too accepting of " His disability " and too nice for him.

He needed someone who would not accept his weirdness and make him conform

just like the other kids. Empathy and understanding were not what he

needed.

It doesn't matter how uncomfortable we feel about their outbursts or

weirdness. The only thing that matters is they are corrected when they mess

up. I wanted to have the same consequences for inappropriate behaviour

as everyone else and never treated differently. He needed to join up with

the rest of the world instead of the world changing for him. I know how

hard it is to see how " different " our kids appear from the other kids in

the

class. I used to go home and cry after helping in the room. But in time,

he surpassed all of the kids. I wish I knew that would happen back then, so

I didn't have so much heartbreak. Hope this helps.

Marcia

_____

From: _hindssite@..._ (mailto:hindssite@...)

_ljburns83@sbcgloballjbu_ (mailto:ljburns83@...) ;

_@..._ (mailto: )

Subject: Re: The social is the last to come

Date: Wed, 7 Oct 2009 14:01:45 -0700

,

I am writing a book but who knows if it will get published. It is so hard

to get anything published. My daughter who just sold her screenplay may

have a publisher for me, but we will see.

As for explaining your son's weirdness to the other kindergarteners, I

wouldn't do it. I never explained to anyone, especially the kids in

his

class. This would be awful for your son. Kristy is right, the " A " word has

too negative of a connotation. To the adults in his life, I sometimes said

he has immune problems and we are seeing a doctor who is really helping him

just so people know I aware there is a problem and doing something about

it.

It never matters what people think, just as long as you are doing the best

thing for your child. Even in IEP meetings I never used the " A " word.

The reason he might not be as engaged at school is because there are so

many

things he has to navigate. He doesn't feel as comfortable there or as

loved as he does at home.

My son's K teacher thought I was crazy. She even once told me, I can't

spend so much time talking to you because I have 40 other parents. She

never believed my son would get better, he was so weird back then. In the

fourth grade after he was much improved (but still not there yet), one of

his friends won a miniature golf trip with this same K teacher. He asked

to go with them. After, the teacher called me and told me what a

polite and delightful kid had become. I think it was her way to

apologize for how she treated us in Kindergarten. The best comeback is a

kid who is better and proving the naysayers wrong.

Hard to do but don't worry what people think. You can't embarrass me

anymore. After life with , I have developed a thick skin and an I don't

care what anyone thinks attitude. Sometimes it makes life easier all

around.

Hang in there,

Marcia

_____

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[Guest guest]

,

Sometimes when we tell people about the " A-word, " they lower expectations

for our kids. I once had a piano teacher who I truly trusted and confided

in. As soon as he knew about , things were never the same and I had to

stop the lessons. The only year in school I felt did not progress as

much as I wanted was second grade. That was the only teacher I did not pick

myself. They put him with someone with a special ed. credential and a

down's kid of her own. She was very nice, tried to help, but not right for

. Just a little too accepting of " His disability " and too nice for him.

He needed someone who would not accept his weirdness and make him conform

just like the other kids. Empathy and understanding were not what he

needed.

It doesn't matter how uncomfortable we feel about their outbursts or

weirdness. The only thing that matters is they are corrected when they mess

up. I wanted to have the same consequences for inappropriate behavior

as everyone else and never treated differently. He needed to join up with

the rest of the world instead of the world changing for him. I know how

hard it is to see how " different " our kids appear from the other kids in the

class. I used to go home and cry after helping in the room. But in time,

he surpassed all of the kids. I wish I knew that would happen back then, so

I didn't have so much heartbreak. Hope this helps.

Marcia

_____

From: hindssite@...

ljburns83@...;

Subject: Re: The social is the last to come

Date: Wed, 7 Oct 2009 14:01:45 -0700

,

I am writing a book but who knows if it will get published. It is so hard

to get anything published. My daughter who just sold her screenplay may

have a publisher for me, but we will see.

As for explaining your son's weirdness to the other kindergarteners, I

wouldn't do it. I never explained to anyone, especially the kids in his

class. This would be awful for your son. Kristy is right, the " A " word has

too negative of a connotation. To the adults in his life, I sometimes said

he has immune problems and we are seeing a doctor who is really helping him

just so people know I aware there is a problem and doing something about it.

It never matters what people think, just as long as you are doing the best

thing for your child. Even in IEP meetings I never used the " A " word.

The reason he might not be as engaged at school is because there are so many

things he has to navigate. He doesn't feel as comfortable there or as

loved as he does at home.

My son's K teacher thought I was crazy. She even once told me, I can't

spend so much time talking to you because I have 40 other parents. She

never believed my son would get better, he was so weird back then. In the

fourth grade after he was much improved (but still not there yet), one of

his friends won a miniature golf trip with this same K teacher. He asked

to go with them. After, the teacher called me and told me what a

polite and delightful kid had become. I think it was her way to

apologize for how she treated us in Kindergarten. The best comeback is a

kid who is better and proving the naysayers wrong.

Hard to do but don't worry what people think. You can't embarrass me

anymore. After life with , I have developed a thick skin and an I don't

care what anyone thinks attitude. Sometimes it makes life easier all

around.

Hang in there,

Marcia

_____

Hotmail: Powerful Free email with security by Microsoft. Get it

<http://clk.atdmt.com/GBL/go/171222986/direct/01/> now.

[Guest guest]

Amen to that!  I treat my daughter like I do all my other children.  She is

expected to act and behave like an 8 year old.  I will not tolerate anything

less.  Many people thought that I was being mean.  I have told them that if

being mean means that she will one day be or at least act normal then so be it. 

I also believe that sometimes our children have to fake it until they make it. 

When acts out in public which honestly does not happen anymore but when

she did I would tell her that it is pretend time.  She knew that meant that she

needed to pretend to act like everyone else.  I also have a legally blind son

whom I have told for years that sometimes when his vision gets in the way that

he needs to fake it until he makes it and honestly no one believes me when I

tell them that he is legally blind and now when I tell people that is

autistic they are surprised as well.  So there is something for faking it. 

I will tell you something else that I insist on.  There is no stemming anywhere

but her bed room.  If she needs to stem then she needs to leave the living room

and there are no exceptions even when I am tired, sick or just don't want to

bother.  I have to bother to keep the consistency and it is working.  can

go hours without stemming and at one time that is all that she was capable of

doing besides screaming.  There is more to making these kids better than taking

medication and doing diet.  We as parents have a huge role to fill.  The

medication can make their brains better but we have to teach them what they

missed from before.  Sometimes it can be draining but nothing is more

rewarding.  Sheri

From: Marcia Hinds <hindssite@...>

Subject: FW: The social is the last to come

Date: Monday, October 12, 2009, 8:14 AM

 

,

Sometimes when we tell people about the " A-word, " they lower expectations

for our kids. I once had a piano teacher who I truly trusted and confided

in. As soon as he knew about , things were never the same and I had to

stop the lessons. The only year in school I felt did not progress as

much as I wanted was second grade. That was the only teacher I did not pick

myself. They put him with someone with a special ed. credential and a

down's kid of her own. She was very nice, tried to help, but not right for

. Just a little too accepting of " His disability " and too nice for him.

He needed someone who would not accept his weirdness and make him conform

just like the other kids. Empathy and understanding were not what he

needed.

It doesn't matter how uncomfortable we feel about their outbursts or

weirdness. The only thing that matters is they are corrected when they mess

up. I wanted to have the same consequences for inappropriate behavior

as everyone else and never treated differently. He needed to join up with

the rest of the world instead of the world changing for him. I know how

hard it is to see how " different " our kids appear from the other kids in the

class. I used to go home and cry after helping in the room. But in time,

he surpassed all of the kids. I wish I knew that would happen back then, so

I didn't have so much heartbreak. Hope this helps.

Marcia

_____

From: hindssiteverizon (DOT) net

ljburns83@sbcglobal .net; groups (DOT) com

Subject: Re: The social is the last to come

Date: Wed, 7 Oct 2009 14:01:45 -0700

,

I am writing a book but who knows if it will get published. It is so hard

to get anything published. My daughter who just sold her screenplay may

have a publisher for me, but we will see.

As for explaining your son's weirdness to the other kindergarteners, I

wouldn't do it. I never explained to anyone, especially the kids in his

class. This would be awful for your son. Kristy is right, the " A " word has

too negative of a connotation. To the adults in his life, I sometimes said

he has immune problems and we are seeing a doctor who is really helping him

just so people know I aware there is a problem and doing something about it.

It never matters what people think, just as long as you are doing the best

thing for your child. Even in IEP meetings I never used the " A " word.

The reason he might not be as engaged at school is because there are so many

things he has to navigate. He doesn't feel as comfortable there or as

loved as he does at home.

My son's K teacher thought I was crazy. She even once told me, I can't

spend so much time talking to you because I have 40 other parents. She

never believed my son would get better, he was so weird back then. In the

fourth grade after he was much improved (but still not there yet), one of

his friends won a miniature golf trip with this same K teacher. He asked

to go with them. After, the teacher called me and told me what a

polite and delightful kid had become. I think it was her way to

apologize for how she treated us in Kindergarten. The best comeback is a

kid who is better and proving the naysayers wrong.

Hard to do but don't worry what people think. You can't embarrass me

anymore. After life with , I have developed a thick skin and an I don't

care what anyone thinks attitude. Sometimes it makes life easier all

around.

Hang in there,

Marcia

_____

Hotmail: Powerful Free email with security by Microsoft. Get it

<http://clk.atdmt. com/GBL/go/ 171222986/ direct/01/> now.