New to group

[Guest guest]

Dear Beth,

Please keep reading and participating in

the group. Many here can relate to exactly

what you are talking about. One good resource

is to do searches on the web archive (like

diagnosis, suicide, suicidal, etc).

Having a BPD parent is so reality-destabilizing,

it can take many years to start sorting it

all out. Clearly you have started doing some

excellent work toward reclaiming a happy life

for yourself.

Part of my own story is similar in that my

fada was told by a psychiatrist that my nada

'had problems' when I was a teenager. But he

didn't tell me about this until after she was

dead and I was in my 30s. It would have been

much more helpful to me if I had been better

informed earlier on. I was very self-destructive

in my 20s, in large part due to having grown

up in a Borderline family. Good luck to you,

and thanks for sharing.

[Guest guest]

Hi Beth,

I just posted my first post to this group after having dropped off

for several years, but I can tell you this group is fantastic and

more people than you think will be able to relate to what you went

through. I had to work through learning the issues I was dealing

with were largely the result of having a BP parent without the

benefit of the internet (obviously years ago!). Just counseling and

books. I discovered this group once I had for the most part dealt

healthily with my BP fada and established boundaries largely by trial

and error. I am sure by being able to hear stories and gain insight

from others who have been there, you will be able to work through

your struggles so much more quickly. This is a safe place and we

are all here to help. Welcome.

>

> I just signed up for this group and would like to know if others

have

> had an experience similar to mine. In the middle of October I

shocked

> those closest to me when I ended up in intensive care after a

suicide

> attempt. I am a successful 27 year old and have never attempted

> suicide before. This catapulted me in to therapy for the 1st time

in

> my life and has forced me to address severe issues from my

childhood,

> most of which I had forgotten completely. In attempting to figure

out

> why my childhood was so unstable and traumatic my dad mentioned

that my

> mom had been diagnosed as borderline in the very early 1980's. I

have

> since been researching and learning all I can about the disorder

and

> the effects it has on adult children. Is my story something anyone

> else on this group can relate to? Does anyone have suggestions for

me

> to continue addressing this issue? Thank you and sorry for such a

> lengthy post.

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Beth, and welcome. I am glad that your suicide attempt was

unsuccessful. I attempted suicide as a teenager. At that time, it

was all covered up, and the doctor who treated me evidently did not

think there was a need for any type of treatment.

It is good that you are in therapy, and that it is known that your

mother has a BPD diagnosis. For many of us, our mother's have not

received the professional help that would give them that diagnosis.

What we have had to do is heal from the trauma of being raised by a

BPD. We often have fleas - they are behaviors similar to BPD, but

we have them because that was the example set for us as to how we

should act. We can overcome these fleas.

There are several good books to read: Understanding the Borderline

Mother, Surviving Borderline Parents, Leaving Home, Stop Walking on

Eggshells, Toxic Parents - just those that come immediately to

mind.

Learning that a parent has BPD is amazing and overwhelming. It

actually changes your world, your perceptions, your understandings.

Sometimes the changes happen too fast, and we just can't keep up

with them all. Take your time. Don't force anything. Keep up with

your therapy. Read and post as much as you want. (BTW, your post

was NOT long at all!) Take breaks when you want to. Understand

that you are begining to change your life drastically and

dramatically. This is best done in small segments.

I wish you the best. Take care,

Sylvia

>

> I just signed up for this group and would like to know if others

have

> had an experience similar to mine. In the middle of October I

shocked

> those closest to me when I ended up in intensive care after a

suicide

> attempt. I am a successful 27 year old and have never attempted

> suicide before. This catapulted me in to therapy for the 1st time

in

> my life and has forced me to address severe issues from my

childhood,

> most of which I had forgotten completely. In attempting to figure

out

> why my childhood was so unstable and traumatic my dad mentioned

that my

> mom had been diagnosed as borderline in the very early 1980's. I

have

> since been researching and learning all I can about the disorder

and

> the effects it has on adult children. Is my story something

anyone

> else on this group can relate to? Does anyone have suggestions

for me

> to continue addressing this issue? Thank you and sorry for such a

> lengthy post.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. My mother also endangered

my 2 year year old's life. He has asthma and was needing 6 breathing treatments

per day 3 months ago and I told her not to let him go play outside. She did

anyway and he ended up in the urgent care center. To make a long story short I

went LC with her for 2 months (during the birth of our second child) and just

two weeks ago we finally sat down and had a meeting in a public place with my

husband and my parents. She started off the meeting by apologizing. She also

admitted she had never apologized for anything in her life. I don't know if she

is capable of understanding what it means to be " human " and what it means to

apologize. My suggestion to you would be to go L or NC until you have time to

deal with your feelings, separate from her completely, discuss these issues with

others, and decide on the type of relationship you want to have with her. Now I

don't let my mother see my child unless I am there with her. If I ever heard of

her hitting him or talking to him in an abusive way that would be the end of

their relationship. She did those things to me and I will not allow her to have

that role with my child. I am still dealing with all the emotional, mental, and

spiritual abuse of my childhood. I'll be praying for your situation.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: monicameek@...: Sun, 30 Dec

2007 02:05:05 +0000Subject: New to group

It is so hard for me to post because my mother caused such great anxiety in my

life that I question so many of my moves, but I do feel the need to reach out. I

have just decided to end my relationship with my mother (who I now refer to as

RG and not mother). Unfortunatly this also ment ending my relationship with my

father. For years he has delt with her disorder but, stays put and obeys.

Because I have my own child and husband I can not take on the worries and

complaints he has anymore. I guess what I am needing to verify is, does my

mother really have this personality disorder and am I doing the correct thing by

ending the relationship? I have been told by a therpaist that she does have a

personality disorder and friends and family agree. It did come to the point last

Christmas that my brother, father, and I agreed to tell her she needed to admit

herself for help or all relationships would end. Well, just at the perfect

moment she came around to spread these tenicles that pull everyone back in. I do

not know how much I should share and shouldn't to have someone support me on

ending the relationship (I know there are no yes or no answers). Just to share a

few things.....Growing up things were odd (my brother will say emtionally

abusive). My mother seemed to be particuarly mean to my brother I remember one

winter night, he was about 8, she sent him with his suitcase walking through the

snow, telling him to leave and not come back. She made my father cut all ties

with his family saying they were not good for him and she was the one who made

him better. She would constantly call my friends mother's and my teacher's to

yell at them for something. I remember being in 6th grade, sitting in the

principals office her telling the principal I had a kidney disease and the

teacher had better let me use the bathroom at any moment. This all came about

because the teacher gave us periodic bathroom breaks during the day. I did not

have a kidney disease and she made things awful between my teacher and I. She

constantly told me I was a " little snot. " Finally, by 7th grade I had been

diagnosed with cancer and just sort of flowed through the next few years. It is

funny, but thank god I had a few years of peace when I had to live in the

hospital. Back in high school again things were odd. She would never help my

brother and I buy clothes or things for school, even when we were little. Thank

god I had a grandmother who would step in and do this for us. Of course she

treated my grandparents just as bad. One time around Christmas they stopped by

for a visit and she screamed and yelled telling them that this time was her time

with us kids and to leave. The wonderful person she is, she then made my father

call my grandparents as she stood there telling him to say that he also had not

wanted them to stop by. She does this to him, saying she will leave if he

doesn't follow her instructions. Unfortunatly, my father has a heart condition,

does not work, and needs her health insurance. She sent me to college saying I

had to pledge a sority, so yes I did. Then she took away my car saying she did

not want me to have it at school, I could not make it to study hours or

functions so I had to quit the sority. When I wanted my car back, she said no

she was paying for my college and I had to do what she said. Come to find out

she filled out the financial aid papers for me and she was not spending a dime.

She pushed me to a divorce with my first husband, constantly telling me his

family was not good for me (funny thing is, looking back they had a very

successful business and shared many things with me). She accussed my current

husband's sister of stealing, causing his family grief. The final straw was this

past weekend. My son went to stay with her for the weekend. I had talked to her,

things seemed good, I said I was going to take a bath and go to bed, thanking

her for the break. When I got out of the bath there was this message, " I do not

know what you or Ron's problem is but, you need to get your sh** together

because you are not raising your child right. I called her back and asked what

was going on. While she was on the phone with me, my son (he is three) had

thrown some things off her dresser and the pillows from the bed on the floor. I

told her I was sorry, offered to come get him. I also asked her to not leave

messages like she had or speak to me in that manner, well that did not go over

well. So, I told her I was done with the relationship. She drove my son home and

my husbund took him in without speaking a word to my mom and I refused to see

her. My son now for two days has complained of his hand hurting because grandma

did something to it. He also told us he was spanked twice by her and it made him

cry. It breaks my heart. I should have known not to send him there, never to let

her hurt him the way she has me. I am sorry for the long email, I could go on

and on. Can anyone give me words of advice or comfort? Thank you.

_________________________________________________________________

i’m is proud to present Cause Effect, a series about real people making a

difference.

http://im.live.com/Messenger/IM/MTV/?source=text_Cause_Effect

[Guest guest]

--

Your brother is right -- she's not just a little emotionally

abusive, she is the DEFINITION of emotional abuse.

Your mother is incapable of anything but strife. She uses people to

offload the bottomless supply of anger and hatred that roils within

her. She is dishonest and loves to cause pain to others. People

like her are NOT capable of taking the focus off themselves long

enough to give of themselves to little children -- I'd keep her away

from your son.

I know that you don't have much else to compare your life to -- but

trust me when I say you have every right to cut off the relationship

with your mother. This scenario is very common on this board -- and

your mother fits the profile of someone causing damage in

interpersonal relationships because of her disorder. In other

words, you're absolutely right that she's not normal, has damaged

your relationship beyond repair, and you're within your rights to

get the hell away from her to save herself.

She has done enough damage -- she's had her time with you, and you

have paid the price. She has most likely hurt your son. To heal

and be a good mother yourself, you've got a little work to do.

First -- get a way from her. She'll kick up a storm but that's not

your concern. (Your father has made his choice, and trust me again

when I say it's not just about your mother's insurance and his heart

condition. He chose to stay with her LONG after he saw red flags in

her behavior. HE made that choice himself, time after time,

incident after incident. He chose your mother over his own family --

you can't stick around to save him.)

Next, start getting the books and information available on

personality disorders. Your mother's seems especially severe and

damaging -- I don't see how ANYONE can have a mutually respectful

relationship with her.

Besides getting support from those on this board who have had

similar experiences to yours, you should get more information on

what you're dealing with, and how you can heal yourself. You'll be

a better person, wife and mother. In my experience, once you've had

that " lightbulb moment " like you're having now, it doesn't have to

take long to get your life back on track. If you remove your mother

from your life, you'd be surprised how many storm clouds go away.

You'll be able to breathe easier and concentrate on your true

family: your husband and son. They are your family now -- if your

mother and father want to be in your life, they have to respect you

and your home. I doubt your mother will ever be able to do that,

and your dad will go right along with her. So, you must get back to

your emotional health, and that of your current home and family.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

,

I'm so sorry you've gone through all of this. You are in the right

place for support. Your nada (shorthand for 'not a mother')

certainly does have serious problems. Your therapist, family, and

friends have acknowleged that she has a personality disorder. That's

a lot more validation than many of us receive. The behavior you've

described is not the behavior of a real mother.

Try not to beat yourself up for what happened with your son. We grew

up in an environment where this behavior was normal. It takes time

to separate from that and we always want to hope that our nadas can

change and be good to their grandchildren. It sounds to me like your

instinct as a human and a mother is telling you to remove yourself

from her insanity. The decision is yours...you can decide to set

boundaries and make sure that your son never visits your nada without

supervision. You can terminate the relationship entirely. Some

people here have decided to take a break for a specified period of

time and see how they feel when the time is up. No matter what you

choose to do, you can always come here and share your feelings, vent,

etc.

Cheers,

Sakura

>

> It is so hard for me to post because my mother caused such great

> anxiety in my life that I question so many of my moves, but I do

feel

> the need to reach out. I have just decided to end my relationship

> with my mother (who I now refer to as RG and not mother).

> Unfortunatly this also ment ending my relationship with my father.

> For years he has delt with her disorder but, stays put and obeys.

> Because I have my own child and husband I can not take on the

worries

> and complaints he has anymore. I guess what I am needing to verify

> is, does my mother really have this personality disorder and am I

> doing the correct thing by ending the relationship? I have been

told

> by a therpaist that she does have a personality disorder and

friends

> and family agree. It did come to the point last Christmas that my

> brother, father, and I agreed to tell her she needed to admit

herself

> for help or all relationships would end. Well, just at the perfect

> moment she came around to spread these tenicles that pull everyone

> back in. I do not know how much I should share and shouldn't to

have

> someone support me on ending the relationship (I know there are no

> yes or no answers). Just to share a few things.....Growing up

things

> were odd (my brother will say emtionally abusive). My mother

seemed

> to be particuarly mean to my brother I remember one winter night,

he

> was about 8, she sent him with his suitcase walking through the

snow,

> telling him to leave and not come back. She made my father cut all

> ties with his family saying they were not good for him and she was

> the one who made him better. She would constantly call my friends

> mother's and my teacher's to yell at them for something. I

remember

> being in 6th grade, sitting in the principals office her telling

the

> principal I had a kidney disease and the teacher had better let me

> use the bathroom at any moment. This all came about because the

> teacher gave us periodic bathroom breaks during the day. I did not

> have a kidney disease and she made things awful between my teacher

> and I. She constantly told me I was a " little snot. " Finally, by

> 7th grade I had been diagnosed with cancer and just sort of flowed

> through the next few years. It is funny, but thank god I had a few

> years of peace when I had to live in the hospital. Back in high

> school again things were odd. She would never help my brother and

I

> buy clothes or things for school, even when we were little. Thank

> god I had a grandmother who would step in and do this for us. Of

> course she treated my grandparents just as bad. One time around

> Christmas they stopped by for a visit and she screamed and yelled

> telling them that this time was her time with us kids and to

leave.

> The wonderful person she is, she then made my father call my

> grandparents as she stood there telling him to say that he also had

> not wanted them to stop by. She does this to him, saying she will

> leave if he doesn't follow her instructions. Unfortunatly, my

father

> has a heart condition, does not work, and needs her health

> insurance. She sent me to college saying I had to pledge a sority,

> so yes I did. Then she took away my car saying she did not want me

> to have it at school, I could not make it to study hours or

> functions so I had to quit the sority. When I wanted my car back,

> she said no she was paying for my college and I had to do what she

> said. Come to find out she filled out the financial aid papers for

> me and she was not spending a dime. She pushed me to a divorce

with

> my first husband, constantly telling me his family was not good for

> me (funny thing is, looking back they had a very successful

business

> and shared many things with me). She accussed my current husband's

> sister of stealing, causing his family grief. The final straw was

> this past weekend. My son went to stay with her for the weekend.

I

> had talked to her, things seemed good, I said I was going to take a

> bath and go to bed, thanking her for the break. When I got out of

> the bath there was this message, " I do not know what you or Ron's

> problem is but, you need to get your sh** together because you are

> not raising your child right. I called her back and asked what was

> going on. While she was on the phone with me, my son (he is three)

> had thrown some things off her dresser and the pillows from the bed

> on the floor. I told her I was sorry, offered to come get him. I

> also asked her to not leave messages like she had or speak to me in

> that manner, well that did not go over well. So, I told her I was

> done with the relationship. She drove my son home and my husbund

> took him in without speaking a word to my mom and I refused to see

> her. My son now for two days has complained of his hand hurting

> because grandma did something to it. He also told us he was

spanked

> twice by her and it made him cry. It breaks my heart. I should

have

> known not to send him there, never to let her hurt him the way she

> has me. I am sorry for the long email, I could go on and on. Can

> anyone give me words of advice or comfort? Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, I have never joined an online group before, but after looking into rife

machines, I'm more confused and intimidated then ever.

I got sick in 2006, finally got treatment in 2009. My llmd thinks I have

lyme/bart/babs, I have never tested positive for anything, but have had major

herx on artimesia, mepron, and biaxin. I've taken breaks from anitbiotics at

different times and tried herbals only following Burhner protocol, cowden, byron

white, Venus fly trap, Salt/vit C, supplements, NT factor...and now I'm back on

bactrim and azithromycin.

I've heard about rifing for a long time, but it seemed too... out there for me.

Well, I'm running out of options. I've read Rosners book, which lead me

to this group and I believe I'm ready to give it a try.

My hesitation is due to...I'm very functional right now and have been as long as

I'm taking something (antibiotics, herbs, etc). I can do everything I want to

except aerobic exercise or exerting myself too much, with only mild symptoms

that I can live with. And these machines are very expensive (I'm putting 2

daughters through college right now) and they may not work.

But after reading s book, it seems as though I'm just forcing everything

into remission and have no chance of getting completely better with my current

course of action .

Sorry, I know I'm rambling a bit. So, I guess I'm looking input, I've heard the

stories of people improving, has anyone tried rifing and had it not work at all?

I'm considering getting a Doug coil machine. I live near Concord NH and I was

wondering if anyone on this blog that lives near me has tried this or knows of a

place where I could try a treatment before I buy my won to see if it works. I'm

just not sure what I should do, so any advice, or personal stories would be

helpful.

Thank you for your time.