Aggression

[Guest guest]

Well, for me, I'd be talking with my son's psychiatrist about meds, honestly.

I know meds are certainly not the end all be all, but I can't imagine how hard

it would be for HIM. How isolating, how out of control he must feel. That much

anger will dramatically " turn off " other kids, they unexpectedness of it alone

will scare them.

As he gets older, you may be able to use words and teach him techniques that

will help him recognize his triggers and avoid them or help deal with them when

they're unavoidable, but I can't imagine a 5 year old being about to do it. I

would imagine, also, after time he'd be getting physical symptoms from this too.

Med's won't completely take it away though, just take the edge off. I'd work

on recognizing the triggers, naming them for your son. I know just saying to

Ethan, " boy, seeing the boy die in the movie really made you sad " , will do two

things. One, it will take the wind out of his sails so to speak. All he can do

is agree with me then! Two, it will help him " hear " what caused the meltdown so

he can start to recognize it. After he calms down a bit, I also ask him " what

could you have done differently? " I'd also acknowledge that while he was angry

it was NOT OKAY to throw things or hurt other people.

With my son, it's not anger, it's crying and meltdowns and withdrawl, but at

almost 12, after dealing with " sensory issues " all his life, he's only just now

being able to apply some of this (even though he " knew " about it and

" understood " , he wasn't able to apply it.)

Mark son <thejacobsons@...> wrote:

Help me anyone???!!!

I know that aggression and AS go hand in hand but I was wondering if there is

anything that can be done to help my HFA 5 year old son handle his anger. He

used to be the total opposite and would withdraw in the fetal position when he

was upset. From there he went through a phase of just shaking all over and

screaming like a wild animal. Now he is getting aggressive, hitting at walls and

people. Yesterday he was quietly playing the computer and suddenly I heard this

almighty angry scream and then a huge bang. I went into his room just in time to

see him throwing the keyboard across the room, the speakers and the monitor were

already on the floor. He was angry because the game froze. It frightened me

because he's so small (much smaller than he should be at his age) and not overly

strong yet. I was thinking if this continues imagine what damage a bigger older

kid could do. He has never taken any medication and the aggression only comes on

when he is about to have a meltdown,

or when he gets angry and frustrated. What do you guys recommend? I'd welcome

any comments.

Beck

[Guest guest]

Hi!

I don't have any answers for you. Just reiterating

what you've said.

Max also is aggressive. He doesn't have regular

tantrums, but when he gets fixated on something and he

can't have it or do it right now, he gets very angry.

Starts yelling & hitting. I'm exasperated. Like you I

think, " he's only 6 and can't do a lot of damage now.

What happens when he's stronger than I am? " He isn't

on meds, because this only happens sometimes when he's

fixated. Then, watch out! Normally, he's mild and

loving.

What do I do? It has gotten a little better with age.

Do I just hope it gets a lot better before puberty?

Does puberty exacerbate this? Will I have to medicate

him then?

- Adrienne

--- Mark son <thejacobsons@...> wrote:

> Help me anyone???!!!

> I know that aggression and AS go hand in hand but I

> was wondering if there is anything that can be done

> to help my HFA 5 year old son handle his anger. He

> used to be the total opposite and would withdraw in

> the fetal position when he was upset. From there he

> went through a phase of just shaking all over and

> screaming like a wild animal. Now he is getting

> aggressive, hitting at walls and people. Yesterday

> he was quietly playing the computer and suddenly I

> heard this almighty angry scream and then a huge

> bang. I went into his room just in time to see him

> throwing the keyboard across the room, the speakers

> and the monitor were already on the floor. He was

> angry because the game froze. It frightened me

> because he's so small (much smaller than he should

> be at his age) and not overly strong yet. I was

> thinking if this continues imagine what damage a

> bigger older kid could do. He has never taken any

> medication and the aggression only comes on when he

> is about to have a meltdown, or when he gets angry

> and frustrated. What do you guys recommend? I'd

> welcome any comments.

> Beck

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Phew. Been there! Actually, still there a bit. Mine is now 11 and

still will be agressive from time to time. It's better than it was

though so think positive! He'll still throw his pencil down on the

floor, kick the desk or step on the foot of his parapro occasionally

(good thing his parapro is A+++). But he isn't hitting, kicking and

throwing objects at people like before. I think it helped a little

that when I saw it coming I would say " stop what you are doing! " and

he would pause with his fist in the air. Then I would 'talk him

down', helping him cool off. Of course, I'm not there during school

so can't do it everytime. I believe practice is the key so perhaps

together you could come up with ideas on acceptible things he can do

when he gets angry, then practice those techniques. It takes a long

time and a lot of repeating, over and over and over again. It seems

to be working for us.

Good luck!

>

> > Help me anyone???!!!

> > I know that aggression and AS go hand in hand but I

> > was wondering if there is anything that can be done

> > to help my HFA 5 year old son handle his anger. He

> > used to be the total opposite and would withdraw in

> > the fetal position when he was upset. From there he

> > went through a phase of just shaking all over and

> > screaming like a wild animal. Now he is getting

> > aggressive, hitting at walls and people. Yesterday

> > he was quietly playing the computer and suddenly I

> > heard this almighty angry scream and then a huge

> > bang. I went into his room just in time to see him

> > throwing the keyboard across the room, the speakers

> > and the monitor were already on the floor. He was

> > angry because the game froze. It frightened me

> > because he's so small (much smaller than he should

> > be at his age) and not overly strong yet. I was

> > thinking if this continues imagine what damage a

> > bigger older kid could do. He has never taken any

> > medication and the aggression only comes on when he

> > is about to have a meltdown, or when he gets angry

> > and frustrated. What do you guys recommend? I'd

> > welcome any comments.

> > Beck

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> > removed]

> >

> >

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Well in my case, my 4 yr old aspie can get very aggresive as well... I

hold him on my lap with my legs wrapped around his (to control the

kicking) and I speak to him with very kind words telling him to calm

down and it will be okay... sometimes it takes a while, but usually

after about 10 minutes (sometimes longer) it is like a light switch

got turned off... his anger is gone and its like it never even

happened... I can sympathize with your concern, as my son has hit

himselp and bit himself when he is in a rage... those times take all

my energy, because i will hold his arms and tell him he can't hurt

himself Good luck

>

> Help me anyone???!!!

> I know that aggression and AS go hand in hand but I was wondering if

there is anything that can be done to help my HFA 5 year old son

handle his anger. He used to be the total opposite and would withdraw

in the fetal position when he was upset. From there he went through a

phase of just shaking all over and screaming like a wild animal. Now

he is getting aggressive, hitting at walls and people. Yesterday he

was quietly playing the computer and suddenly I heard this almighty

angry scream and then a huge bang. I went into his room just in time

to see him throwing the keyboard across the room, the speakers and the

monitor were already on the floor. He was angry because the game

froze. It frightened me because he's so small (much smaller than he

should be at his age) and not overly strong yet. I was thinking if

this continues imagine what damage a bigger older kid could do. He

has never taken any medication and the aggression only comes on when

he is about to have a meltdown, or when he gets angry and frustrated.

What do you guys recommend? I'd welcome any comments.

> Beck

>

>

[Guest guest]

---I don't want to be negative BUT my kids were never aggressive

when they were little. About 1 or 2 years ago all h@ll broke loose

around here. I don't know if it was puberty and hormones or WHAT but

mine weren't even diagnosed until they were 16. So be prepared, or

maybe they will get it all out before puberty hits. I hope so for

your sake.But, now my aggressive bipolar, AS kid is not taking any

meds and he has been sweeter and easier to get along with then he

has been in 2 years.But he is out of school and not dealing with

that and he drinks alot of caffeine ( I know its not good for him)

but it seems to have the opposite effect on them.

Toni

In , Adrienne Lehmann

<adriennerob@...> wrote:

>

> Hi!

>

> I don't have any answers for you. Just reiterating

> what you've said.

>

> Max also is aggressive. He doesn't have regular

> tantrums, but when he gets fixated on something and he

> can't have it or do it right now, he gets very angry.

> Starts yelling & hitting. I'm exasperated. Like you I

> think, " he's only 6 and can't do a lot of damage now.

> What happens when he's stronger than I am? " He isn't

> on meds, because this only happens sometimes when he's

> fixated. Then, watch out! Normally, he's mild and

> loving.

>

> What do I do? It has gotten a little better with age.

> Do I just hope it gets a lot better before puberty?

> Does puberty exacerbate this? Will I have to medicate

> him then?

>

> - Adrienne

>

> --- Mark son <thejacobsons@...> wrote:

>

> > Help me anyone???!!!

> > I know that aggression and AS go hand in hand but I

> > was wondering if there is anything that can be done

> > to help my HFA 5 year old son handle his anger. He

> > used to be the total opposite and would withdraw in

> > the fetal position when he was upset. From there he

> > went through a phase of just shaking all over and

> > screaming like a wild animal. Now he is getting

> > aggressive, hitting at walls and people. Yesterday

> > he was quietly playing the computer and suddenly I

> > heard this almighty angry scream and then a huge

> > bang. I went into his room just in time to see him

> > throwing the keyboard across the room, the speakers

> > and the monitor were already on the floor. He was

> > angry because the game froze. It frightened me

> > because he's so small (much smaller than he should

> > be at his age) and not overly strong yet. I was

> > thinking if this continues imagine what damage a

> > bigger older kid could do. He has never taken any

> > medication and the aggression only comes on when he

> > is about to have a meltdown, or when he gets angry

> > and frustrated. What do you guys recommend? I'd

> > welcome any comments.

> > Beck

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> > removed]

> >

> >

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

I don't have any answers either, but I have a similar problem. My 5

year old gets angry easily - mostly at home, and he generally takes

it out on me when he does. I am sure I am not handling things well

and that makes it worse. When he gets frustrated, I ask him to do

something he doesn't want to, or gets into it with his younger

sister over a toy or something else, he immediately goes into " Power

Ranger mode " where he starts pretending he is a PR and fighting

(usually me). I have given up on time outs between reading The

Explosive Child and the pediatrician telling me that time outs

aren't very effective anymore at this age. We have tried taking

away toys/privileges and that just makes him worse. The other day

he got mad and hit me when I took something from him that he had

grabbed from his sister. So he got madder and hit me again and

before we were done, I had taken away 4 toys and his computer/tv

privileges for the rest of the day and sent him to his room, where

he proceeded to keep opening and slamming his door as hard as he

could. I ignored him and he did calm down after a few minutes -

maybe that is what I need to do, but I can't just let him get away

with acting however he wants all the time. I know what some of his

triggers are (frustration, transitions, lost toys, sharing with his

sister, etc.) but I can't always avoid them all. We've tried a

timer for transitions and that doesn't work (he even grabbed the

timer one day and put more time on it when I wasn't looking!). I

definitely can't let him get away with the hitting. How do you

teach them good behavior without causing even bigger meltdowns in

the process? It's times like this I feel like the world's worst

parent...

Ann

[Guest guest]

This sounds a bit like mine. He was worse when he was younger but with the

help of meds and over the years he is learning. However, now he will shut

down, then turn on himself, but then if you touch him it is like releasing a

spring. He will thump desks and doors sometimes, but usually it is not

until someone touches him or keeps pushing him once he has gotten so far in

the meltdown. He has a point of no return, where he has to cycle, you can't

pull him back, the key is recognizing that spot, hard to do sometimes. We

live in a small town, and I have him come to work after school then I try to

encourage him to ride his bike to go swim or see a friend (he only has one

friend in town since he doesn't mainstream). Anyway, I got him a medicalert

bracelet incase something happened and I wasn't there, not just for the

meds, but incase he shuts down and doesn't talk. He liked picking in out

and was excited to get it, I wasn't sure how he would handle it at first.

We have been having a rough time in school this last year, I don't know if

it is puberty, or he has grown too much for the meds, we have adjusted some,

be he is definitely more easily frustrated this year than last, like we

moved backwards. I know the deal with trying mainstream for a week really

set him off, but I don't know if that was all it, or there have been other

factors.

Kathy K

toozie@...

_____

From:

[mailto: ] On Behalf Of

Sent: Thursday, June 29, 2006 12:58 PM

Subject: Re: ( ) aggression

Phew. Been there! Actually, still there a bit. Mine is now 11 and

still will be agressive from time to time. It's better than it was

though so think positive! He'll still throw his pencil down on the

floor, kick the desk or step on the foot of his parapro occasionally

(good thing his parapro is A+++). But he isn't hitting, kicking and

throwing objects at people like before. I think it helped a little

that when I saw it coming I would say " stop what you are doing! " and

he would pause with his fist in the air. Then I would 'talk him

down', helping him cool off. Of course, I'm not there during school

so can't do it everytime. I believe practice is the key so perhaps

together you could come up with ideas on acceptible things he can do

when he gets angry, then practice those techniques. It takes a long

time and a lot of repeating, over and over and over again. It seems

to be working for us.

Good luck!

>

> > Help me anyone???!!!

> > I know that aggression and AS go hand in hand but I

> > was wondering if there is anything that can be done

> > to help my HFA 5 year old son handle his anger. He

> > used to be the total opposite and would withdraw in

> > the fetal position when he was upset. From there he

> > went through a phase of just shaking all over and

> > screaming like a wild animal. Now he is getting

> > aggressive, hitting at walls and people. Yesterday

> > he was quietly playing the computer and suddenly I

> > heard this almighty angry scream and then a huge

> > bang. I went into his room just in time to see him

> > throwing the keyboard across the room, the speakers

> > and the monitor were already on the floor. He was

> > angry because the game froze. It frightened me

> > because he's so small (much smaller than he should

> > be at his age) and not overly strong yet. I was

> > thinking if this continues imagine what damage a

> > bigger older kid could do. He has never taken any

> > medication and the aggression only comes on when he

> > is about to have a meltdown, or when he gets angry

> > and frustrated. What do you guys recommend? I'd

> > welcome any comments.

> > Beck

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> > removed]

> >

> >

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

We went through a very difficult period with my older son and aggression.

I'm convinced puberty had ALOT to do with it. He is much better able to

manage his anger now and we have not had an angry episode in a while (knock on

wood). We actually had to involve the police last year, so we have made lots

of

progress. I think there are medications and forms of anger management

therapy that can be helpful. For my son it helped to have someone to talk with

on

a consistent basis. Also, the fact that we were taking his behavior

seriously and were not going to give up on him made a difference. Pam

[Guest guest]

We are passed the agression stage for the most part, but what i am having to

deal with is cussing. Not saying the cuss words but cussing me out. When i tell

him to do something he says shut up you ahole or worse, any ideas how to deal

with this. I know he is saying it out of anger and probably because he thinks he

sounds cool because the kids at a camp he just went to cussed all we and at his

school there is a boy that talks to the teachers like that and he apologizes. I

have tried soap in his mouth that worked for about a week but now it is every

time i try and talk to him he says why do you hate me b****, i hate you. Any

suggestion?

ppanda65@... wrote: We went through a very difficult period with my

older son and aggression.

I'm convinced puberty had ALOT to do with it. He is much better able to

manage his anger now and we have not had an angry episode in a while (knock on

wood). We actually had to involve the police last year, so we have made lots of

progress. I think there are medications and forms of anger management

therapy that can be helpful. For my son it helped to have someone to talk with

on

a consistent basis. Also, the fact that we were taking his behavior

seriously and were not going to give up on him made a difference. Pam

[Guest guest]

you have a door slammer to. I have tried time outs, physical restraining, and

ignoring. It seems the more i pay attention to his behaviors the more he gets

off on it and continues it. I try to ignore him but then he starts throwing

things at us and hitting us. He tortures his 16 yr old sister endlessly, so much

so she is afraid of him. Now mind you she is 5' 7 " weighs about 145 and he is

54 " and weighs maybe 75 pounds but he can terrorize her to the point she ends up

in tears. I have no answers on how to handle this we have tried med changes and

in patient hospitalization but nothing works. I to could use some suggestions if

you find something that works. Right now we are praticeing the duck and cover

manuvere.

Ann <maryann1@...> wrote: I don't have any answers

either, but I have a similar problem. My 5

year old gets angry easily - mostly at home, and he generally takes

it out on me when he does. I am sure I am not handling things well

and that makes it worse. When he gets frustrated, I ask him to do

something he doesn't want to, or gets into it with his younger

sister over a toy or something else, he immediately goes into " Power

Ranger mode " where he starts pretending he is a PR and fighting

(usually me). I have given up on time outs between reading The

Explosive Child and the pediatrician telling me that time outs

aren't very effective anymore at this age. We have tried taking

away toys/privileges and that just makes him worse. The other day

he got mad and hit me when I took something from him that he had

grabbed from his sister. So he got madder and hit me again and

before we were done, I had taken away 4 toys and his computer/tv

privileges for the rest of the day and sent him to his room, where

he proceeded to keep opening and slamming his door as hard as he

could. I ignored him and he did calm down after a few minutes -

maybe that is what I need to do, but I can't just let him get away

with acting however he wants all the time. I know what some of his

triggers are (frustration, transitions, lost toys, sharing with his

sister, etc.) but I can't always avoid them all. We've tried a

timer for transitions and that doesn't work (he even grabbed the

timer one day and put more time on it when I wasn't looking!). I

definitely can't let him get away with the hitting. How do you

teach them good behavior without causing even bigger meltdowns in

the process? It's times like this I feel like the world's worst

parent...

Ann

---------------------------------

Sneak preview the all-new .com. It's not radically different. Just

radically better.

[Guest guest]

I tell my son that may be the way he talks with his friends, but not to me.

My son usually only swears when he is frustrated or mad and does not direct

it at me. That is one behavior I don't have a problem with overall...there

are many other areas where I do have problems though. Pam

[Guest guest]

I guess the only reason I haven't looked into meds is because it is not

something that happens all the time. He gets aggitated and angry frequently but

usually I can calm him down. The meltdowns are less frequent. But it does

happen at least once every two days.

Beck

Re: ( ) aggression

Well, for me, I'd be talking with my son's psychiatrist about meds, honestly.

I know meds are certainly not the end all be all, but I can't imagine how hard

it would be for HIM. How isolating, how out of control he must feel. That much

anger will dramatically " turn off " other kids, they unexpectedness of it alone

will scare them.

As he gets older, you may be able to use words and teach him techniques that

will help him recognize his triggers and avoid them or help deal with them when

they're unavoidable, but I can't imagine a 5 year old being about to do it. I

would imagine, also, after time he'd be getting physical symptoms from this too.

Med's won't completely take it away though, just take the edge off. I'd work

on recognizing the triggers, naming them for your son. I know just saying to

Ethan, " boy, seeing the boy die in the movie really made you sad " , will do two

things. One, it will take the wind out of his sails so to speak. All he can do

is agree with me then! Two, it will help him " hear " what caused the meltdown so

he can start to recognize it. After he calms down a bit, I also ask him " what

could you have done differently? " I'd also acknowledge that while he was angry

it was NOT OKAY to throw things or hurt other people.

With my son, it's not anger, it's crying and meltdowns and withdrawl, but at

almost 12, after dealing with " sensory issues " all his life, he's only just now

being able to apply some of this (even though he " knew " about it and

" understood " , he wasn't able to apply it.)

Mark son <thejacobsons@...> wrote:

Help me anyone???!!!

I know that aggression and AS go hand in hand but I was wondering if there is

anything that can be done to help my HFA 5 year old son handle his anger. He

used to be the total opposite and would withdraw in the fetal position when he

was upset. From there he went through a phase of just shaking all over and

screaming like a wild animal. Now he is getting aggressive, hitting at walls and

people. Yesterday he was quietly playing the computer and suddenly I heard this

almighty angry scream and then a huge bang. I went into his room just in time to

see him throwing the keyboard across the room, the speakers and the monitor were

already on the floor. He was angry because the game froze. It frightened me

because he's so small (much smaller than he should be at his age) and not overly

strong yet. I was thinking if this continues imagine what damage a bigger older

kid could do. He has never taken any medication and the aggression only comes on

when he is about to have a meltdown,

or when he gets angry and frustrated. What do you guys recommend? I'd welcome

any comments.

Beck

[Guest guest]

Ann

let me assure you that I also feel like the worlds worst parent at times.

Especially when I have my son in time out and he keeps coming to the door to

throw things out and laughing at me. I get so agitated at him sometimes. It's

like he thinks time out is a game. Unless he's in there for hitting out during

a meltdown then he doesn't laugh at the door, he kicks and screams and throws

things around.

Beck

Re: ( ) aggression

I don't have any answers either, but I have a similar problem. My 5

year old gets angry easily - mostly at home, and he generally takes

it out on me when he does. I am sure I am not handling things well

and that makes it worse. When he gets frustrated, I ask him to do

something he doesn't want to, or gets into it with his younger

sister over a toy or something else, he immediately goes into " Power

Ranger mode " where he starts pretending he is a PR and fighting

(usually me). I have given up on time outs between reading The

Explosive Child and the pediatrician telling me that time outs

aren't very effective anymore at this age. We have tried taking

away toys/privileges and that just makes him worse. The other day

he got mad and hit me when I took something from him that he had

grabbed from his sister. So he got madder and hit me again and

before we were done, I had taken away 4 toys and his computer/tv

privileges for the rest of the day and sent him to his room, where

he proceeded to keep opening and slamming his door as hard as he

could. I ignored him and he did calm down after a few minutes -

maybe that is what I need to do, but I can't just let him get away

with acting however he wants all the time. I know what some of his

triggers are (frustration, transitions, lost toys, sharing with his

sister, etc.) but I can't always avoid them all. We've tried a

timer for transitions and that doesn't work (he even grabbed the

timer one day and put more time on it when I wasn't looking!). I

definitely can't let him get away with the hitting. How do you

teach them good behavior without causing even bigger meltdowns in

the process? It's times like this I feel like the world's worst

parent...

Ann

[Guest guest]

Hi!

I often don't handle things " well " with Max, either,

and feel also that it's making it worse. I, too, feel

like the world's worst parent!

" Typical " stuff doesn't work with him: taking away

privileges, time-outs, etc. Like many, he most often

takes his anger out physically on me.

He has a " calm down spot " : it's a space under an end

table that's always clear of stuff (hard, in my

house). Sometimes it works with him to go there until

he calms down. His psychologist suggested it. It's

important that he be under something (like a table).

It comforts him. I can't tell him that's where he's

going to go, though. If I tell him in advance and

while he's angry, he won't go. So, I say, " we're just

going upstairs " - you know, the truth, but not the

whole truth. That's of course after trying desperately

to avoid his triggers; sometimes you can't, though.

I know it's hard to remain calm and rational when you

have a 5-year-old screaming at you and trying to hit

you for all he's worth. I try, but it's hard. Hang in

there!

- Adrienne

--- Ann <maryann1@...> wrote:

> I don't have any answers either, but I have a

> similar problem. My 5

> year old gets angry easily - mostly at home, and he

> generally takes

> it out on me when he does. I am sure I am not

> handling things well

> and that makes it worse. When he gets frustrated, I

> ask him to do

> something he doesn't want to, or gets into it with

> his younger

> sister over a toy or something else, he immediately

> goes into " Power

> Ranger mode " where he starts pretending he is a PR

> and fighting

> (usually me). I have given up on time outs between

> reading The

> Explosive Child and the pediatrician telling me that

> time outs

> aren't very effective anymore at this age. We have

> tried taking

> away toys/privileges and that just makes him worse.

> The other day

> he got mad and hit me when I took something from him

> that he had

> grabbed from his sister. So he got madder and hit

> me again and

> before we were done, I had taken away 4 toys and his

> computer/tv

> privileges for the rest of the day and sent him to

> his room, where

> he proceeded to keep opening and slamming his door

> as hard as he

> could. I ignored him and he did calm down after a

> few minutes -

> maybe that is what I need to do, but I can't just

> let him get away

> with acting however he wants all the time. I know

> what some of his

> triggers are (frustration, transitions, lost toys,

> sharing with his

> sister, etc.) but I can't always avoid them all.

> We've tried a

> timer for transitions and that doesn't work (he even

> grabbed the

> timer one day and put more time on it when I wasn't

> looking!). I

> definitely can't let him get away with the hitting.

> How do you

> teach them good behavior without causing even bigger

> meltdowns in

> the process? It's times like this I feel like the

> world's worst

> parent...

> Ann

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

TO EVERYONE HERE,

ON THE SUBJECT OF AGGRESSION!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE NOT BAD PARENTS AND WE

NEED TO STOP LETTING THE REST OF THE WORLD MAKE US THINK WE ARE. NOW

THIS HAS ONLY MADE COMPLETE SENSE TO ME UP UNTIL ABOUT 4 HOURS

AGO.......BOTH OF MY DAUGHTERS WHO ARE 5 AND 2 HAVE A FORM OF

AUTISM....THIS IS ONLY MADE WORSE BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS IN THE ARMY AND

RIGHT NOW NOT HOME TO HELP ME WITH THE GIRLS. SO I RESORTED TO A

HARNESS FOR MY 2 YEAR OLD SO SHE WOULDN'T RUN OFF IN THE STORES. MAKES

SENSE TO US RIGHT? WELL NOT IN THE EYES OF A WOMAN WHO CLAIMED TO BE A

HEALTH PROFESSIONAL WALKING THE AISLES OF WAL-MART. I COULDN'T BELIEVE

THE GALL OF THIS WOMAN..........MY DAUGHER WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A

MELTDOWN AND THE 5 YEAR OLD WAS SCREAMING AND HOLDING HER EARS PACING

BACK AND FORTH. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE SITE? WELL SHE CAME UP TO ME

STARING AT ME WITH THESE PIERCING EYES AND ASKED ME (MIND YOU) IN A

CONDISENDING VOICE, " WHY DO YOU HAVE A LEASH ON YOUR

DAUGHTER........SHE LOOKS LIKE A DOG " . I WAS DEVESTATED....AND QUICKLY

BLURTED OUT ITS NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS BUT BOTH OF MY DAUGHTERS SUFFER

FROM A FORM OF AUTISM.

SHE SAID ABSOLUTLY NOTHING AND PROCEEDING ON.........AT THAT MOMENT I

FELT HOPELESS......I AM USED TO THE STARES WHEN THE GIRLS HAVE MELTDOWNS

IN A PUBLIC PLACE BUT THE SHEER AUDACITY OF THIS WOMAN THREW ME FOR A

LOOP.

IT WAS AT THAT POINT......... I HELD MY HEAD UP HIGHER AND CONTINUED ON

WITH MY SHOPPING......... I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING BAN ME OR

MY GIRLS FROM LIVING A " NORMAL " LIFE.

I DO BELIEVE THE " OUTSIDE " WORLD NEEDS TO BECOME MORE EDUCATED ON AUTISM

RELATED SYNDROMES........BECAUSE TO BE HONEST WE ARE SURLY NOT GOING TO

STAND FOR THE IGNORANCE AND WHY SHOULD WE? ASD IS ON THE RISE....AND

SOON WE WILL NOT BE THE MINORITY!!!!!!!!!1

>

> Ann

> let me assure you that I also feel like the worlds worst parent at

times. Especially when I have my son in time out and he keeps coming to

the door to throw things out and laughing at me. I get so agitated at

him sometimes. It's like he thinks time out is a game. Unless he's in

there for hitting out during a meltdown then he doesn't laugh at the

door, he kicks and screams and throws things around.

> Beck

> Re: ( ) aggression

>

>

> I don't have any answers either, but I have a similar problem. My 5

> year old gets angry easily - mostly at home, and he generally takes

> it out on me when he does. I am sure I am not handling things well

> and that makes it worse. When he gets frustrated, I ask him to do

> something he doesn't want to, or gets into it with his younger

> sister over a toy or something else, he immediately goes into " Power

> Ranger mode " where he starts pretending he is a PR and fighting

> (usually me). I have given up on time outs between reading The

> Explosive Child and the pediatrician telling me that time outs

> aren't very effective anymore at this age. We have tried taking

> away toys/privileges and that just makes him worse. The other day

> he got mad and hit me when I took something from him that he had

> grabbed from his sister. So he got madder and hit me again and

> before we were done, I had taken away 4 toys and his computer/tv

> privileges for the rest of the day and sent him to his room, where

> he proceeded to keep opening and slamming his door as hard as he

> could. I ignored him and he did calm down after a few minutes -

> maybe that is what I need to do, but I can't just let him get away

> with acting however he wants all the time. I know what some of his

> triggers are (frustration, transitions, lost toys, sharing with his

> sister, etc.) but I can't always avoid them all. We've tried a

> timer for transitions and that doesn't work (he even grabbed the

> timer one day and put more time on it when I wasn't looking!). I

> definitely can't let him get away with the hitting. How do you

> teach them good behavior without causing even bigger meltdowns in

> the process? It's times like this I feel like the world's worst

> parent...

> Ann

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. It's so hard to know what

to do b/c nothing in the realm of 'dicipline' seems to do any good.

(he's going on four)is funny because he'll tell on himself

before he does anything...if he gets mad he'll say, " I want to hit

you! " and I can lighten up the situation or ask him why and we can

sort things out.

I'm in the middle of reading the " Everything guide to Asperger's " and

I'm thinking that this one technique might help you. It's pretty

simple. Maybe your son got frustrated when the game froze and didn't

know to ask for help. Maybe put a sign up with directions of what to

do when the computer isn't working properly for him to refer to. It

might help in that situation.

It's not easy sometimes...(hugs)

>

> Ann

> let me assure you that I also feel like the worlds worst parent at

times. Especially when I have my son in time out and he keeps coming

to the door to throw things out and laughing at me. I get so

agitated at him sometimes. It's like he thinks time out is a game.

Unless he's in there for hitting out during a meltdown then he

doesn't laugh at the door, he kicks and screams and throws things

around.

> Beck

> Re: ( ) aggression

>

>

> I don't have any answers either, but I have a similar problem. My

5

> year old gets angry easily - mostly at home, and he generally

takes

> it out on me when he does. I am sure I am not handling things

well

> and that makes it worse. When he gets frustrated, I ask him to do

> something he doesn't want to, or gets into it with his younger

> sister over a toy or something else, he immediately goes

into " Power

> Ranger mode " where he starts pretending he is a PR and fighting

> (usually me). I have given up on time outs between reading The

> Explosive Child and the pediatrician telling me that time outs

> aren't very effective anymore at this age. We have tried taking

> away toys/privileges and that just makes him worse. The other day

> he got mad and hit me when I took something from him that he had

> grabbed from his sister. So he got madder and hit me again and

> before we were done, I had taken away 4 toys and his computer/tv

> privileges for the rest of the day and sent him to his room,

where

> he proceeded to keep opening and slamming his door as hard as he

> could. I ignored him and he did calm down after a few minutes -

> maybe that is what I need to do, but I can't just let him get

away

> with acting however he wants all the time. I know what some of

his

> triggers are (frustration, transitions, lost toys, sharing with

his

> sister, etc.) but I can't always avoid them all. We've tried a

> timer for transitions and that doesn't work (he even grabbed the

> timer one day and put more time on it when I wasn't looking!). I

> definitely can't let him get away with the hitting. How do you

> teach them good behavior without causing even bigger meltdowns in

> the process? It's times like this I feel like the world's worst

> parent...

> Ann

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks , putting up a sign is a great idea. His room is full of signs for

everything else. I don't know why I didn't think of that. I'm going to do it

right now.

Cheers

beck

Re: ( ) aggression

>

>

> I don't have any answers either, but I have a similar problem. My

5

> year old gets angry easily - mostly at home, and he generally

takes

> it out on me when he does. I am sure I am not handling things

well

> and that makes it worse. When he gets frustrated, I ask him to do

> something he doesn't want to, or gets into it with his younger

> sister over a toy or something else, he immediately goes

into " Power

> Ranger mode " where he starts pretending he is a PR and fighting

> (usually me). I have given up on time outs between reading The

> Explosive Child and the pediatrician telling me that time outs

> aren't very effective anymore at this age. We have tried taking

> away toys/privileges and that just makes him worse. The other day

> he got mad and hit me when I took something from him that he had

> grabbed from his sister. So he got madder and hit me again and

> before we were done, I had taken away 4 toys and his computer/tv

> privileges for the rest of the day and sent him to his room,

where

> he proceeded to keep opening and slamming his door as hard as he

> could. I ignored him and he did calm down after a few minutes -

> maybe that is what I need to do, but I can't just let him get

away

> with acting however he wants all the time. I know what some of

his

> triggers are (frustration, transitions, lost toys, sharing with

his

> sister, etc.) but I can't always avoid them all. We've tried a

> timer for transitions and that doesn't work (he even grabbed the

> timer one day and put more time on it when I wasn't looking!). I

> definitely can't let him get away with the hitting. How do you

> teach them good behavior without causing even bigger meltdowns in

> the process? It's times like this I feel like the world's worst

> parent...

> Ann

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Pam and others,

I haven't been keeping up with posts (been deleting a lot) because

I'm so fried!! But seeing the one on agression - I looked at the old

postings. I'm fried BECAUSE of my 14 yo son's aggression. I just

don't know what to do. It has gotten worse with puberty, but I can

see there were inklings of it earlier. His behavior is verbally

abusive, (I really don't think he will actually hit me) he'll

say, " get out " , " shut up " anywhere from under his breath to pretty

loudly. He also swears, not always at me, but more than enough

times. I have told him that I don't want him to swear in my

presence. Problem is, I need to have the guts to turn off the

computer when he's being disrespectful. (He pretty much lives on

the computer. I don't like it, but I have to pick my spots and

right now it's the disrespect I have to deal with.) I have just

started taking away computer time, this very evening. He was

disrespectful and I told him he'd lost two hours of computer time.

(I had gone over the rules with him the night before). Well, he got

really mad, called me names, and punched a lamp. I told him to go

to his room for 15 minutes because I needed him away from me. He

refused and tried to close himself into the coat closet and said if

he was in the closet, he was away from me and didn't need to go to

his room. I think this part might have been the teenage power

struggle? But the intensity of it!! Finally I went over and

unplugged the computer mouse. (So he did go to his room for about

an hour and a half, then came back down and both of us were calm).

Changing things is like trying to turn a giant battleship around - I

know I need to be consistent, but I feel terrible. Also, his name-

calling is so pervasive, I don't know if I can do this every time.

But I have to or I'll be right back where I started. My son's

psychatrist (med management) suggested I try something for those

times when I anticipate a struggle with him. I had told her I think

I need valium or something so I don't get so anxious. (Actually, I

get pretty frightened - I have a lot of trouble dealing with angry

people in general, and when they're angry at me I just want to

disappear.) A friend suggested I try " Rescue Remedy " but I keep

forgetting. Anyone have any suggestions on how to stay calm while

being the target of the storm? I feel a little better just writing

this, and knowing I'm not alone in having trouble dealing with my

son's agression. By the way, his father and I are separated - his

dad is undiagnosed Asperger's and doesn't set limits for him or

confront him often. Besides, his dad swears a lot. Guess where he

learned it?

Helena

>

> We went through a very difficult period with my older son and

aggression. I'm convinced puberty had ALOT to do with it. He is

much better able to manage his anger now and we have not had an

angry episode in a while (knock on wood). We actually had to

involve the police last year, so we have made lots of progress. I

think there are medications and forms of anger management therapy

that can be helpful. For my son it helped to have someone to talk

with on a consistent basis. Also, the fact that we were taking his

behavior seriously and were not going to give up on him made a

difference. Pam

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> tricia <babytish1977@...> wrote:

> TO EVERYONE HERE,

>

> I DO BELIEVE THE " OUTSIDE " WORLD NEEDS TO BECOME MORE EDUCATED ON

AUTISM

> RELATED SYNDROMES........BECAUSE TO BE HONEST WE ARE SURLY NOT

GOING TO

> STAND FOR THE IGNORANCE AND WHY SHOULD WE? ASD IS ON THE RISE....AND

> SOON WE WILL NOT BE THE MINORITY!!!!!!!!!1

AMEN! I have sent emails to montel and dr. Phil last month, imploring

them to do shows to raise autism awareness. Maybe if they get more

requests (from parents like us:come on guys, send them some more)

then maybe we can get a response. Won't hurt to try anyway.

As for the meltdowns in public.........I'm in the process of getting

Jake an assistance dog, it will go with him everywhere, including

school and stores, I CANT WAIT!

Theresa

[Guest guest]

> AMEN! I have sent emails to montel and dr. Phil last month, imploring

> them to do shows to raise autism awareness. Maybe if they get more

> requests (from parents like us:come on guys, send them some more)

> then maybe we can get a response. Won't hurt to try anyway.

> As for the meltdowns in public.........I'm in the process of getting

> Jake an assistance dog, it will go with him everywhere, including

> school and stores, I CANT WAIT!

>

> Theresa

I think a really good person we should all write to is Oprah since she

probably has the most popularity out of all these other talk show

hosts. Though if any of the others did a show it would be good, but i

think if we got Oprah to do a show on Aspergers and Autism it would

really aware the public.

[Guest guest]

Helena, I can honestly say " been there done that " . What we have found to be

the most effective means to deal with the clearly defiant and disrespectful

behavior is to not engage in any kind of verbal banter. Engaging with our

son verbally, " fuels his fire " . In the past, it seemed as though my son would

be " winding " up for a good argument with anyone in his path. Now when he

starts (which is rare now a days) we literally walk away from him. It seems to

work. I think maturity and getting through the rough spots of puberty really

made the difference though. He still is in his " own world " as far as his

thinking and he can be argumentative at times, but I think he has finally

figured out what the deal is and he is learning a tiny bit about real life.

I'm

hoping this good streak will continue. I recommend seeing either your son's

psychiatrist or another professional to make sure his meds are managed (they

seem to grow so quickly when going through puberty). Make sure his room is a

" safe place " as far as what he can break. You may want to have him connect

with a therapist, whom he trusts, and can build a relationship, vent to and one

that can offer him anger management strategies. Clearly tell him at a time

when he is calm, that you will not tolerate being sworn at or disrespected.

Tell him when he does begin that behavior you are going to disengage from

him. When he is ready to have a calm and respectful conversation, you will be

more than happy to speak with him. With my son it seemed as though he was

clearly pushing us to see how far we would go. After that one time the police

were called he never went after my husband physically again. I hope this

helps in some way and please do not hesitate to email me if you ever need

someone to talk with off list. Pam

[Guest guest]

Hi!

I think something like this (someone commenting in a

store or from family, dirty looks, etc.) has happened

to just about everyone on this list (I know it's

happened to me!)

It really has made me feel bad about all of the times

I've seen a screaming child and thought, " bad

parenting " , or " they should just do such-and-such " , or

" they shouldn't give in to that whining! " I'm ashamed

to admit, that's what I really thought. (How many of

us have " given in " to a tantrum or whining in order to

keep the peace so that we can " just get through the

store " or " just get through this family gathering " ? I

know I have).

Having a child with an ASD has made me really think

twice about being judgemental. I still am! But, I try

not to be.

- Adrienne

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

After the event when he was 10 and I had to sit on him, I thought - What if

I am out with the twins and him and he meltsdown and I am trying to get

control?? Who can I call for help?

I called the local PD to see. They said If I did call for police

assistance, I would be the last on the list because it was an assistance

call, so they would probably not get there until after I figure. But the

lady said to have his Psych doctor write a letter stating his disorder

(Asperger's) and any info and carry it in my purse in case someone called

the police on me. Without info, they could take the kids and not return

them until they contacted the Dr or proved he had problems, sufficient to

prove I was not doing child abuse. It kind of woke me up, here I am

calling to see what to do if I needed help and I am being told that they

could take my kids away. He now wears a medicAlert bracelet, I don't know

if that will help, but hopefully it will. Hopefully it won't EVER come to

that. Although I did have to get him from summer school in 3rd (going into

4th) because the new teacher called me and THEN the police and when she was

on the phone with the police he hung up the phone. I work about 6-7 blocks

from the school and the cop passed me (police dept is 2 block farther down

than me) - I had this bad gut feeling. I pulled up and there they were

outside the school and the cop was trying to remove the handcuffs when I

pulled up because he realized it made it worse. (duh) I think it scared my

son pretty good. However, the cop was nice and understanding, just didn't

know what was going on, (school's fault again IMHO). Later when my son was

doing better we went to see the cop at the police dept, he showed my son the

car and all the gadgets and let him turn the lights on.

Kathy K

toozie@...

_____

From:

[mailto: ] On Behalf Of Adrienne Lehmann

Sent: Monday, July 03, 2006 12:23 PM

Subject: Re: ( ) aggression

Hi!

I think something like this (someone commenting in a

store or from family, dirty looks, etc.) has happened

to just about everyone on this list (I know it's

happened to me!)

It really has made me feel bad about all of the times

I've seen a screaming child and thought, " bad

parenting " , or " they should just do such-and-such " , or

" they shouldn't give in to that whining! " I'm ashamed

to admit, that's what I really thought. (How many of

us have " given in " to a tantrum or whining in order to

keep the peace so that we can " just get through the

store " or " just get through this family gathering " ? I

know I have).

Having a child with an ASD has made me really think

twice about being judgemental. I still am! But, I try

not to be.

- Adrienne

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Didn't anyone see the Dr. Phil about Asperger's? The teenage boy who

was so violent that his parents had to lock up thier knives for fear

that their son might slay them in the night?

When the Dr. said that had Asperger's, that's all I knew about

it. I told the Dr. that all I knew about Asperger's was on a Dr. Phil

show and the parents hid their knives. He about fell out of his

chair! I've noticed that Dr. Phil tends to sensationalize everything

and make it worse or more shocking than it really is.

I think when people here the word " autistic " they think of the kid in

the corner rocking with a blank stare on his face. There are so many

facets of ASD's and it's such an epidemic that it deserves some air

time! And not just the negative aspects!!

[Guest guest]

Helena,

I've gotten really good at this over the years. I repeat to myself

" it's his problem, not mine " over and over, and I take slow deep

breaths in and out, really focusing on my breathing. He's gonna do

what he's gonna do. Once I'm in control of my feelings and once he

has started to calm down a bit, I can start to suggest things to my

son. I might say something like " ? I can tell that you don't

want to be doing this. Why don't we have some orange juice and talk

things over. " Something like that that makes him feel listened to.

Liz

On Jul 2, 2006, at 7:36 PM, fhdonovan wrote:

> Hi Pam and others,

>

> I haven't been keeping up with posts (been deleting a lot) because

> I'm so fried!! But seeing the one on agression - I looked at the old

> postings. I'm fried BECAUSE of my 14 yo son's aggression. I just

> don't know what to do. It has gotten worse with puberty, but I can

> see there were inklings of it earlier. His behavior is verbally

> abusive, (I really don't think he will actually hit me) he'll

> say, " get out " , " shut up " anywhere from under his breath to pretty

> loudly. He also swears, not always at me, but more than enough

> times. I have told him that I don't want him to swear in my

> presence. Problem is, I need to have the guts to turn off the

> computer when he's being disrespectful. (He pretty much lives on

> the computer. I don't like it, but I have to pick my spots and

> right now it's the disrespect I have to deal with.) I have just

> started taking away computer time, this very evening. He was

> disrespectful and I told him he'd lost two hours of computer time.

> (I had gone over the rules with him the night before). Well, he got

> really mad, called me names, and punched a lamp. I told him to go

> to his room for 15 minutes because I needed him away from me. He

> refused and tried to close himself into the coat closet and said if

> he was in the closet, he was away from me and didn't need to go to

> his room. I think this part might have been the teenage power

> struggle? But the intensity of it!! Finally I went over and

> unplugged the computer mouse. (So he did go to his room for about

> an hour and a half, then came back down and both of us were calm).

> Changing things is like trying to turn a giant battleship around - I

> know I need to be consistent, but I feel terrible. Also, his name-

> calling is so pervasive, I don't know if I can do this every time.

> But I have to or I'll be right back where I started. My son's

> psychatrist (med management) suggested I try something for those

> times when I anticipate a struggle with him. I had told her I think

> I need valium or something so I don't get so anxious. (Actually, I

> get pretty frightened - I have a lot of trouble dealing with angry

> people in general, and when they're angry at me I just want to

> disappear.) A friend suggested I try " Rescue Remedy " but I keep

> forgetting. Anyone have any suggestions on how to stay calm while

> being the target of the storm? I feel a little better just writing

> this, and knowing I'm not alone in having trouble dealing with my

> son's agression. By the way, his father and I are separated - his

> dad is undiagnosed Asperger's and doesn't set limits for him or

> confront him often. Besides, his dad swears a lot. Guess where he

> learned it?

>

> Helena

>

>

> >

> > We went through a very difficult period with my older son and

> aggression. I'm convinced puberty had ALOT to do with it. He is

> much better able to manage his anger now and we have not had an

> angry episode in a while (knock on wood). We actually had to

> involve the police last year, so we have made lots of progress. I

> think there are medications and forms of anger management therapy

> that can be helpful. For my son it helped to have someone to talk

> with on a consistent basis. Also, the fact that we were taking his

> behavior seriously and were not going to give up on him made a

> difference. Pam

> >

> >

> >