Re: 8 days: 12 values+2 days diffusion+6 days of CPS=Very Bad Day

July 18, 2012

Hi Jo,Thanks for sharing this posting from the heart. One of the beauties of this list is that we can safely, honestly, and opening reveal our inner most pain. Sending good thoughts your way,Phil

8 days: 12 Values + 2 days of constant diffusion + 6 days so for of a severe CPS episode and mental torture = Very Bad Day

It's been 8 days since I spent time making my preliminary values list, I sat today with the list and my therapist to realise, they are not my values....8 days that's all it took for my mind and body to destroy 12 values.

My CPS (Chronic Pain Syndrome) impacts on every single thing I value. It's probably why I resisted addressing values for so long.

Example: I value my independence, but I lost it as a result of my CPS. I still value independence, I put it on my list, but this recent pain episode puts me back in my place....reality is, I am forced into letting people, family, myself and any commitments down. I can't hold onto a job because of the CPS, I am therefore unable to financial support myself, which means I am unable to be financially independent, which means everything to me. I am heading in the complete opposite direction of my value. I am totally dependant on state hand outs, which makes me feel like a drain on society, which I am reminded daily of in papers, press, and news and every day people's conversations. I am dependant on my parents providing me with some shelter and rely on them to look after me when at their age it really ought to be the other way about.

General depression and anxiety I can work with but when it comes to CPS and the thoughts and depression and anxiety attached specifically to the CPS, it always leads to being completely trapped.

I thought I had moved forward 8 days ago......who was I kidding.....thank you CPS for putting me back in my place.

6 days of complete isolation, 6 days of nothing my but pain and disappointment, 6 days of mental torture, I am just too tired, too sore and too upset to type anymore,.........this is just a very very bad day today!

I am not feeling very gracious today...apologies

Jo

July 18, 2012

Hi, Jo. Let me share with you some personal experiences that may be of some help. I have an addiction problem which affects every single value I have and I can't get rid of it. Depression ok, anxiety ok, suicidal thoughts ok, but the addiction affects my values at their core. However, I've noticed that when I give up on trying to get rid of the addiction, and accept it, as though it was impossible to change, although it is still there, the impact it has on my life and values is minimal. What I think is "Ok, it is impossible to change this. It is a fatality, I will be an addicted for the rest of my life. Now what can I do?" Try to think this way: if you didn't have a leg, your independence would be damaged somehow. But you could still try to be the most independent that a person without a leg can be. So it is not about "being independent", but about "being as independent as possible". For me, at least, it works.Best, To: ACT_for_the_Public From: joanne_deas@...Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2012 18:30:55 +0000Subject: 8 days: 12 values+2 days diffusion+6 days of CPS=Very Bad Day

8 days: 12 Values + 2 days of constant diffusion + 6 days so for of a severe CPS episode and mental torture = Very Bad Day

It's been 8 days since I spent time making my preliminary values list, I sat today with the list and my therapist to realise, they are not my values....8 days that's all it took for my mind and body to destroy 12 values.

My CPS (Chronic Pain Syndrome) impacts on every single thing I value. It's probably why I resisted addressing values for so long.

Example: I value my independence, but I lost it as a result of my CPS. I still value independence, I put it on my list, but this recent pain episode puts me back in my place....reality is, I am forced into letting people, family, myself and any commitments down. I can't hold onto a job because of the CPS, I am therefore unable to financial support myself, which means I am unable to be financially independent, which means everything to me. I am heading in the complete opposite direction of my value. I am totally dependant on state hand outs, which makes me feel like a drain on society, which I am reminded daily of in papers, press, and news and every day people's conversations. I am dependant on my parents providing me with some shelter and rely on them to look after me when at their age it really ought to be the other way about.

General depression and anxiety I can work with but when it comes to CPS and the thoughts and depression and anxiety attached specifically to the CPS, it always leads to being completely trapped.

I thought I had moved forward 8 days ago......who was I kidding.....thank you CPS for putting me back in my place.

6 days of complete isolation, 6 days of nothing my but pain and disappointment, 6 days of mental torture, I am just too tired, too sore and too upset to type anymore,.........this is just a very very bad day today!

I am not feeling very gracious today...apologies

Jo

July 18, 2012

Hi Jo -

I actually have the same value of " independence, " so your post caught

my eye. It also caught my eye because I think you might be trapped the

same way I often gotten trapped when thinking about values.

What you list as values seem to me goals or outcomes. I'm not dissing

them - they make sense & they line up with a value of independence.

Still and all, they are not themselves values. E.g. " holding a job "

would be a goal or an outcome. " Supporting myself financially " would

also be a goal or an outcome. I actually have both these goals myself,

too! And I know how painful it is not to be able to have these things,

especially since society expects them of us & it is painful not to have

them.

The problem I see is that if we hold too fixedly to a particular goal

or outcome (e.g. " having a job " ), and this goal is not immediately

achievable, then we are left believing we cannot hold values at all.

This leaves us trapped, just in the way you describe it. Helpless to do

anything except blame ourselves & the world. I've been there many times.

Here's an alternative: we can start thinking of our values as " qualities

of action. " A quality can be realized in many different ways and doesn't

require any particular goal. Many more goals may now become possible &

we can pick those which seem both doable and meaningful. This didn't use

to make sense to me, but lately I've realized how useful an approach it

will be.

In the case of " independence, " what I have decided to look for is any

doable action that carries a quality or spirit of independence with

it. And I am the judge of this, not society. It is what speaks to me

when I open up and listen beyond my fixed goals.

Maybe it will be an activity involving travel someplace distant. Maybe

I will step forward in a situation & contribute rather than hang back,

despite thoughts that what I have to give is too little. And when I look

for work, I will look for opportunities with one or another quality I

value, rather than turn my head away & claim I have nothing to give

and am not wanted.

Let me close with an example that struck me, many years ago, of how

my grandfather approached the question of independence.

He was 90-plus years old then - in fact he did not have much more than

a month to live, though he did not know it. He had been living at a

retirement home & enjoying himself greatly - he was very sociable and

popular. But he had fallen and injured his hip and had to be moved from

his regular apartment, where he could use a walker and get around pretty

easily (i.e. be " independent " ) to a hospital room higher up in the

building where they could care for his injury. Because he was elderly,

it was taking him a long time to recover. Yet he still valued

independence.

When I visited him, he told me with a good deal of cheer that he had

set himself a very small " independent " goal: to be able to use his

walker to get by himself from the bed to the bathroom some day soon,

after he had done enough physical therapy.

I'm sure he missed having his regular apartment and missed having his

health & the ability to go anywhere he wanted. But for him, this new

goal was as good a way as ever to value being " independent. " Someone

on the outside might pity him. He didn't pity himself at all.

So that's what I'm aiming for with " qualities of action " for values. I'm

not saying it isn't painful not to achieve particular outcomes. I'm only

saying we can be free. Sometimes freedom hurts and is still freedom.

Hope this is helpful -

Randy

July 18, 2012

I know how you feel, Jo.

Kv

>

> 8 days: 12 Values + 2 days of constant diffusion + 6 days so for of a

severe CPS episode and mental torture = Very Bad Day

>

> It's been 8 days since I spent time making my preliminary values list,

I sat today with the list and my therapist to realise, they are not my

values....8 days that's all it took for my mind and body to destroy 12

values.

>

> My CPS (Chronic Pain Syndrome) impacts on every single thing I value.

It's probably why I resisted addressing values for so long.

>

> Example: I value my independence, but I lost it as a result of my CPS.

I still value independence, I put it on my list, but this recent pain

episode puts me back in my place....reality is, I am forced into letting

people, family, myself and any commitments down. I can't hold onto a job

because of the CPS, I am therefore unable to financial support myself,

which means I am unable to be financially independent, which means

everything to me. I am heading in the complete opposite direction of my

value. I am totally dependant on state hand outs, which makes me feel

like a drain on society, which I am reminded daily of in papers, press,

and news and every day people's conversations. I am dependant on my

parents providing me with some shelter and rely on them to look after me

when at their age it really ought to be the other way about.

>

> General depression and anxiety I can work with but when it comes to

CPS and the thoughts and depression and anxiety attached specifically to

the CPS, it always leads to being completely trapped.

>

> I thought I had moved forward 8 days ago......who was I

kidding.....thank you CPS for putting me back in my place.

>

> 6 days of complete isolation, 6 days of nothing my but pain and

disappointment, 6 days of mental torture, I am just too tired, too sore

and too upset to type anymore,.........this is just a very very bad day

today!

>

> I am not feeling very gracious today...apologies

> Jo

>

July 18, 2012

Hi Jo I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. Randy has left you an absolute corker of a post which I think will help you when your mind settles a bit. x To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Wednesday, 18 July 2012, 20:57 Subject: Re: 8 days: 12 values+2 days diffusion+6 days of CPS=Very Bad Day

Hi Jo -

I actually have the same value of "independence," so your post caught

my eye. It also caught my eye because I think you might be trapped the

same way I often gotten trapped when thinking about values.

What you list as values seem to me goals or outcomes. I'm not dissing

them - they make sense & they line up with a value of independence.

Still and all, they are not themselves values. E.g. "holding a job"

would be a goal or an outcome. "Supporting myself financially" would

also be a goal or an outcome. I actually have both these goals myself,

too! And I know how painful it is not to be able to have these things,

especially since society expects them of us & it is painful not to have

them.

The problem I see is that if we hold too fixedly to a particular goal

or outcome (e.g. "having a job"), and this goal is not immediately

achievable, then we are left believing we cannot hold values at all.

This leaves us trapped, just in the way you describe it. Helpless to do

anything except blame ourselves & the world. I've been there many times.

Here's an alternative: we can start thinking of our values as "qualities

of action." A quality can be realized in many different ways and doesn't

require any particular goal. Many more goals may now become possible &

we can pick those which seem both doable and meaningful. This didn't use

to make sense to me, but lately I've realized how useful an approach it

will be.

In the case of "independence," what I have decided to look for is any

doable action that carries a quality or spirit of independence with

it. And I am the judge of this, not society. It is what speaks to me

when I open up and listen beyond my fixed goals.

Maybe it will be an activity involving travel someplace distant. Maybe

I will step forward in a situation & contribute rather than hang back,

despite thoughts that what I have to give is too little. And when I look

for work, I will look for opportunities with one or another quality I

value, rather than turn my head away & claim I have nothing to give

and am not wanted.

Let me close with an example that struck me, many years ago, of how

my grandfather approached the question of independence.

He was 90-plus years old then - in fact he did not have much more than

a month to live, though he did not know it. He had been living at a

retirement home & enjoying himself greatly - he was very sociable and

popular. But he had fallen and injured his hip and had to be moved from

his regular apartment, where he could use a walker and get around pretty

easily (i.e. be "independent") to a hospital room higher up in the

building where they could care for his injury. Because he was elderly,

it was taking him a long time to recover. Yet he still valued

independence.

When I visited him, he told me with a good deal of cheer that he had

set himself a very small "independent" goal: to be able to use his

walker to get by himself from the bed to the bathroom some day soon,

after he had done enough physical therapy.

I'm sure he missed having his regular apartment and missed having his

health & the ability to go anywhere he wanted. But for him, this new

goal was as good a way as ever to value being "independent." Someone

on the outside might pity him. He didn't pity himself at all.

So that's what I'm aiming for with "qualities of action" for values. I'm

not saying it isn't painful not to achieve particular outcomes. I'm only

saying we can be free. Sometimes freedom hurts and is still freedom.

Hope this is helpful -

Randy

July 18, 2012

Thanks for the messages guys, sorry for the rant, tend to keep them to myself

until I am a bit more reflective.....but that's just not happening at the

moment.

and Randy, I totally understand what you are saying. It's on similar

lines to what my therapist was saying to me today, as he tried to get through a

wall of resistance, with no success.

He's asked me to " try on a value " , that is what he wants me to do. I took a

moment and then said " no " a definitive and absolute " no " . I have never done

that before, I would normally say I will try, or why I don't want to do

something so we could discuss further....today he just got a big flat " no " and I

am really upset about that, it has made me feel absolutely awful.

He gave me a sheet away on " ten steps to trying on a value " . I tried tonight

to read it and I started reading the steps, got to the 4th step and threw up.

Now normally my resistance makes me feel ill and tense and can put be in bed,

but never to the point of actual physical sickness, I am just so overwhelmed on

this occasion.

All I want to do is tear up the value's list, burn it, destroy it, get rid of

it. The last thing I want to even think about right now are values!

Randy I will have to get back to you at a later date about what you have

written, I am just resisting too much at the moment. But please note I do

appreciate your message.

I think it is back to the drawing board for me for a little while, need to be

settling my mind down a bit.

With loving kindness

Jo

>

> Hi Jo -

>

> I actually have the same value of " independence, " so your post caught

> my eye. It also caught my eye because I think you might be trapped the

> same way I often gotten trapped when thinking about values.

>

> What you list as values seem to me goals or outcomes. I'm not dissing

> them - they make sense & they line up with a value of independence.

> Still and all, they are not themselves values. E.g. " holding a job "

> would be a goal or an outcome. " Supporting myself financially " would

> also be a goal or an outcome. I actually have both these goals myself,

> too! And I know how painful it is not to be able to have these things,

> especially since society expects them of us & it is painful not to have

> them.

>

> The problem I see is that if we hold too fixedly to a particular goal

> or outcome (e.g. " having a job " ), and this goal is not immediately

> achievable, then we are left believing we cannot hold values at all.

> This leaves us trapped, just in the way you describe it. Helpless to do

> anything except blame ourselves & the world. I've been there many times.

>

> Here's an alternative: we can start thinking of our values as " qualities

> of action. " A quality can be realized in many different ways and doesn't

> require any particular goal. Many more goals may now become possible &

> we can pick those which seem both doable and meaningful. This didn't use

> to make sense to me, but lately I've realized how useful an approach it

> will be.

>

> In the case of " independence, " what I have decided to look for is any

> doable action that carries a quality or spirit of independence with

> it. And I am the judge of this, not society. It is what speaks to me

> when I open up and listen beyond my fixed goals.

>

> Maybe it will be an activity involving travel someplace distant. Maybe

> I will step forward in a situation & contribute rather than hang back,

> despite thoughts that what I have to give is too little. And when I look

> for work, I will look for opportunities with one or another quality I

> value, rather than turn my head away & claim I have nothing to give

> and am not wanted.

>

> Let me close with an example that struck me, many years ago, of how

> my grandfather approached the question of independence.

>

> He was 90-plus years old then - in fact he did not have much more than

> a month to live, though he did not know it. He had been living at a

> retirement home & enjoying himself greatly - he was very sociable and

> popular. But he had fallen and injured his hip and had to be moved from

> his regular apartment, where he could use a walker and get around pretty

> easily (i.e. be " independent " ) to a hospital room higher up in the

> building where they could care for his injury. Because he was elderly,

> it was taking him a long time to recover. Yet he still valued

> independence.

>

> When I visited him, he told me with a good deal of cheer that he had

> set himself a very small " independent " goal: to be able to use his

> walker to get by himself from the bed to the bathroom some day soon,

> after he had done enough physical therapy.

>

> I'm sure he missed having his regular apartment and missed having his

> health & the ability to go anywhere he wanted. But for him, this new

> goal was as good a way as ever to value being " independent. " Someone

> on the outside might pity him. He didn't pity himself at all.

>

> So that's what I'm aiming for with " qualities of action " for values. I'm

> not saying it isn't painful not to achieve particular outcomes. I'm only

> saying we can be free. Sometimes freedom hurts and is still freedom.

>

> Hope this is helpful -

>

> Randy

>

July 19, 2012

Hi Jo,So ... you're beating yourself up with your values? Join the club!A blind man uses a cane as a tool to help him live independently. It helps him discern the physical reality that his eyes cannot perceive so he can make informed choices in each moment as he is walking: Should he go this way, or is there an obstacle there that tells him to try another way? If he falls down in spite of his best efforts, does he beat himself with that cane because it failed him? Is he a failure because a sighted person steps in to help him to his feet and point him in the right direction? Does he rant and rave against his blindness and blame it for keeping him from being independent; does he throw away his cane in disgust? He could, and he might do that out of frustration from time to time, but falling down does not mean he has failed his value of LIVING as independently as possible even though he cannot BE completely independent. So after his rant, which is only human, he gently brings himself back to his value of being compassionate toward himself and to acceptance of what is.Values do not tell us who and what we must be. Values simply inform our choices in the moment, given our set of circumstances in that moment. If life is dishing out crap that keeps us from x, y, or z, then "acceptance of what is" may be the only choice we have, and it, too, is a value (or at least, I consider it one). A good motto to remember, and one I often repeat: I will not SHOULD on myself today.HelenaTo: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2012 8:44:29 PMSubject: Re: 8 days: 12 values+2 days diffusion+6 days of CPS=Very Bad Day

Thanks for the messages guys, sorry for the rant, tend to keep them to myself until I am a bit more reflective.....but that's just not happening at the moment.

and Randy, I totally understand what you are saying. It's on similar lines to what my therapist was saying to me today, as he tried to get through a wall of resistance, with no success.

He's asked me to "try on a value", that is what he wants me to do. I took a moment and then said "no" a definitive and absolute "no". I have never done that before, I would normally say I will try, or why I don't want to do something so we could discuss further....today he just got a big flat "no" and I am really upset about that, it has made me feel absolutely awful.

He gave me a sheet away on "ten steps to trying on a value". I tried tonight to read it and I started reading the steps, got to the 4th step and threw up. Now normally my resistance makes me feel ill and tense and can put be in bed, but never to the point of actual physical sickness, I am just so overwhelmed on this occasion.

All I want to do is tear up the value's list, burn it, destroy it, get rid of it. The last thing I want to even think about right now are values!

Randy I will have to get back to you at a later date about what you have written, I am just resisting too much at the moment. But please note I do appreciate your message.

I think it is back to the drawing board for me for a little while, need to be settling my mind down a bit.

With loving kindness

Jo

>

> Hi Jo -

>

> I actually have the same value of "independence," so your post caught

> my eye. It also caught my eye because I think you might be trapped the

> same way I often gotten trapped when thinking about values.

>

> What you list as values seem to me goals or outcomes. I'm not dissing

> them - they make sense & they line up with a value of independence.

> Still and all, they are not themselves values. E.g. "holding a job"

> would be a goal or an outcome. "Supporting myself financially" would

> also be a goal or an outcome. I actually have both these goals myself,

> too! And I know how painful it is not to be able to have these things,

> especially since society expects them of us & it is painful not to have

> them.

>

> The problem I see is that if we hold too fixedly to a particular goal

> or outcome (e.g. "having a job"), and this goal is not immediately

> achievable, then we are left believing we cannot hold values at all.

> This leaves us trapped, just in the way you describe it. Helpless to do

> anything except blame ourselves & the world. I've been there many times.

>

> Here's an alternative: we can start thinking of our values as "qualities

> of action." A quality can be realized in many different ways and doesn't

> require any particular goal. Many more goals may now become possible &

> we can pick those which seem both doable and meaningful. This didn't use

> to make sense to me, but lately I've realized how useful an approach it

> will be.

>

> In the case of "independence," what I have decided to look for is any

> doable action that carries a quality or spirit of independence with

> it. And I am the judge of this, not society. It is what speaks to me

> when I open up and listen beyond my fixed goals.

>

> Maybe it will be an activity involving travel someplace distant. Maybe

> I will step forward in a situation & contribute rather than hang back,

> despite thoughts that what I have to give is too little. And when I look

> for work, I will look for opportunities with one or another quality I

> value, rather than turn my head away & claim I have nothing to give

> and am not wanted.

>

> Let me close with an example that struck me, many years ago, of how

> my grandfather approached the question of independence.

>

> He was 90-plus years old then - in fact he did not have much more than

> a month to live, though he did not know it. He had been living at a

> retirement home & enjoying himself greatly - he was very sociable and

> popular. But he had fallen and injured his hip and had to be moved from

> his regular apartment, where he could use a walker and get around pretty

> easily (i.e. be "independent") to a hospital room higher up in the

> building where they could care for his injury. Because he was elderly,

> it was taking him a long time to recover. Yet he still valued

> independence.

>

> When I visited him, he told me with a good deal of cheer that he had

> set himself a very small "independent" goal: to be able to use his

> walker to get by himself from the bed to the bathroom some day soon,

> after he had done enough physical therapy.

>

> I'm sure he missed having his regular apartment and missed having his

> health & the ability to go anywhere he wanted. But for him, this new

> goal was as good a way as ever to value being "independent." Someone

> on the outside might pity him. He didn't pity himself at all.

>

> So that's what I'm aiming for with "qualities of action" for values. I'm

> not saying it isn't painful not to achieve particular outcomes. I'm only

> saying we can be free. Sometimes freedom hurts and is still freedom.

>

> Hope this is helpful -

>

> Randy

>

July 19, 2012

Hi Jo, I am sorry for your sadness and disappointment. As put it, Randy's

post is a real `corker' and full of valuable information for me, too. Someone

wrote that perhaps your values were goals instead of values. I may disagree

with that. I think it is a value to be self sufficient.

The ways-- I am/ you are-- self sufficient are different now than earlier in our

lives. The definition of self sufficient has changed and I am working on what

its new definition looks like for me. Like Randy's grandfather, redefining his

definition of independence from full mobility (a reality at one time) to

allowing his body to mend so he could use the walker to get to the bathroom,

(the current reality)

..

I hope I don't sound like I am preaching and very knowledgeable. I am just

barely, starting to work on this. I just saw a DVD by Marsha Linehan and have a

worksheet about the Basic Principles of Accepting Reality.

My latest mantra and sign posted all over my house:

`I want to act as skillfully as I can; meeting the needs of the situation I am

in. Not the situation I wish I were in; not the situation that would be just and

right and fair, not the one more comfortable, not the situation that should be,

not the situation…….'

After 40+ years of being very well employed I, too, am on disability, and

relying on SSDI and other state and federal programs. It didn't take me long to

come to believe that I had gone from a competent, contributing member of society

to a lump—a drain, as you put it, on society,, worthless because of relying on

my previous definition of what competent looked like.

I contributed for a very long time; fortunately our society has systems in place

for people whose lives change and need support. I am trying to see that I am not

a drain as much as just a member of the community with a different role in the

system, now I need to draw on the equity I put into the system.

I wish I could remember where I read this; it was about a man, previously very

independent in every way, who became a quadriplegic. I am sure the entire

article was very interesting, and the part I remember the most was his saying

that everything kind of turned a corner for him, when he realized, " " well, now

someone else will wipe my butt for me. I have learned to accept that and not

have that `problem' be the focus of all my attention, regret, anger, this is not

fair, etc " " .

No, I don't know all the ways being `self-sufficient' will look like, it

probably won't be about generating much if any of my own finances. So far, it

does include accepting and implementing the advice of professionals, and

changing a lifelong way of eating to one that many say can help lower

inflammation in the body and decrease pain. (No sugar, wheat, flour, etc)

Best wishes,

Wanda

July 19, 2012

Hi Wanda,

Just want to say this is an awesome post that has been very helpful to me personally. Thanks so much for sharing examples from your life. I have to accept the fact that I am not where I should be financially at my age. It is scary and sometimes the fear grabs me by the throat. But I try to maintain my health (so far, lucky there) so that I can keep working to support myself, if not in the style to which I was accustomed when married, but it's OK - I have a roof over my head and enough to eat and a tiny bit to play with. I hope that when I need help as a really old person, someone will be there to provide it. If not, I will have to accept that, too, and hope I can leave this earth peacefully somehow without having to endure too much pain or discomfort in my last days. I can't count on family; they are worse off than I am and have more screws loose than I do : )

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Thursday, July 19, 2012 9:30:40 AMSubject: Re: 8 days: 12 values+2 days diffusion+6 days of CPS=Very Bad Day

Hi Jo, I am sorry for your sadness and disappointment. As put it, Randy's post is a real `corker' and full of valuable information for me, too. Someone wrote that perhaps your values were goals instead of values. I may disagree with that. I think it is a value to be self sufficient.The ways-- I am/ you are-- self sufficient are different now than earlier in our lives. The definition of self sufficient has changed and I am working on what its new definition looks like for me. Like Randy's grandfather, redefining his definition of independence from full mobility (a reality at one time) to allowing his body to mend so he could use the walker to get to the bathroom, (the current reality).I hope I don't sound like I am preaching and very knowledgeable. I am just barely, starting to work on this. I just saw a DVD by Marsha Linehan and have a worksheet about the Basic Principles of Accepting Reality.My latest mantra and sign posted all over my house:`I want to act as skillfully as I can; meeting the needs of the situation I am in. Not the situation I wish I were in; not the situation that would be just and right and fair, not the one more comfortable, not the situation that should be, not the situationâ€¦â€¦.'After 40+ years of being very well employed I, too, am on disability, and relying on SSDI and other state and federal programs. It didn't take me long to come to believe that I had gone from a competent, contributing member of society to a lumpâ€”a drain, as you put it, on society,, worthless because of relying on my previous definition of what competent looked like.I contributed for a very long time; fortunately our society has systems in place for people whose lives change and need support. I am trying to see that I am not a drain as much as just a member of the community with a different role in the system, now I need to draw on the equity I put into the system.I wish I could remember where I read this; it was about a man, previously very independent in every way, who became a quadriplegic. I am sure the entire article was very interesting, and the part I remember the most was his saying that everything kind of turned a corner for him, when he realized, ""well, now someone else will wipe my butt for me. I have learned to accept that and not have that `problem' be the focus of all my attention, regret, anger, this is not fair, etc"".No, I don't know all the ways being `self-sufficient' will look like, it probably won't be about generating much if any of my own finances. So far, it does include accepting and implementing the advice of professionals, and changing a lifelong way of eating to one that many say can help lower inflammation in the body and decrease pain. (No sugar, wheat, flour, etc)Best wishes,Wanda

July 20, 2012

I said I would get back to you as soon as I dealt with my busy mind. It's taken

a couple of days, lots of rest, mindful reflection and the lessening of my CPS

symptoms in the last 16hrs, to enable me to take a step aside from my more

heated thoughts, feelings and emotional and physical pain. Not fully aware of

everything that's going on in my mind as yet, but at least I have managed to

create some distance from the stronger ones felt a few days ago.

I re-read everyone's messages and with my calmer mind I have been able to see

better what you were saying to me and what I was saying too. On a personal level

I am incredible grateful to all of you for taking the time to reply with such

kindness and compassion. Randy I promised I would get back to you when my mind

was more settled down. You were absolutely correct I was goal setting instead

of setting up a valued direction on how I want to live in my life.

Personally I am naturally very goal driven, have been for a very long time. The

difficulty I had when looking at values was that my mind was dwelling on the

future goal setting. I was not just looking at the value but how this would

transfer into a Mission Statement, Objective Setting, SMART Goals, Monthly,

Weekly To Do Lists and Daily Logs and yes, I have these formatted layouts all

set up in word and ready to go. They have worked very well in my past in helping

me to achieve my goals, but values are not goals, that was not what was being

asked of me, not yet anyway. I did not want to choose values like

independence, health, happiness or prosperity, anything I felt my CPS had taken

away from me, so at the time of creating my values I spent a lot of time

diffusing from these thoughts. I did not want my CPS to stop me from completely

avoiding and selecting things I considered important to me. Things I was once

so driven in my past to achieving for my life. So I carefully selected values

that were similar but softer, but they meant the same and that still does not

make it a true value, nor does it consider me in the present. I was making the

choice based on future goals, and past aspirations in the end my values list was

just camouflaged goals.

I have spend another day sitting with values and this time I made my preliminary

12 and then selected my primary 7 values, I just couldn't get it down to six,

but I feel I now have values that are not about what I want to get or achieve

but are about how I want to behave and act as a human being. These are: -

•Acceptance: to be open to and accepting of myself, others, life etc

•Connection: to engage fully in whatever I am doing, and be fully present with

others Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring

towards myself or others

•Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring towards

myself or others

•Mindfulness: to be conscious of, open to, and curious about my here-and-now

experience

•Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings and actions

•Self-care: to look after my health and wellbeing, and get my needs met

•Self-development: to keep growing, advancing or improving in knowledge, skills,

character, or life experience

I feel deep down that these are a better reflection of me in the present, not

the past, nor the future but me today in this moment. In view of where I am act

in this moment I have chosen to " try on the Value Kindness " it is presently

lacking, particularly self kindness. I am going to need kindness with myself as

I go through the " Ten Steps to Trying on any Value " . I still can only get to

step 4 and then my resistance and avoidance envelops me, but I am doing my

guided meditations, body scan, body movement and diffusion workbook, and with a

few more days of rest and mindfulness I think I will be in a better place to

look at this exercise, only this time with no past aspiration, or future goal in

mind.

If I struggle I know I can ask for help and guidance from this amazing group.

Thank you once again for all your replies, gratefully received and much

appreciated.