Re: Freaking out over avoidant personality disorder

[Guest guest]

Hi Haakon,Thanks for sharing this difficult time for you. I can empathize and I send good thoughts your way. Though I really cannot offer a solution, I wanted you to know how much your story moved me. I struggle tremendously with the demons that tell me people are looking at me, judging me, condemning me and the fear moves up inside me. Sometime it is uncontrollable and excruciatingly painful, but I know at good times that my mind and the emotional responses are lies. If only I could believe that all the time.I wish I knew how to be cured of all this and I may be close to my worse place. I do believe that ACT has helped me and gives me tools for coping so that I can recognize the lies even when I cannot feel the lies and my head causes all sorts of negative emotions---in other words the fear inside takes over.Be kind to yourself--I highly recommend ACT.Take care,Phil

I'm so afraid. I have this feeling that I am doomed. Yesteday I got some relief from reading "the mindful way through depression" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. There was an exercise where I had to "find feelings" in the body.

Today I have surfed the web reading about social isolation and avoidant personality disorder. It's stupid, but I did it. Now I just need to talk to someone, but no one wants to talk to me, because it doesn't help.

I just feel like I want to meet someone and do something, but I can't imagine what it should be. If I were to meet someone now, I don't think it would be very good for me. I met one friend yesterday, and when I told him I felt depressed again, it just felt like....I don't know. It felt like I was out of reach, cause I have been through these stretches of depression and isolation before, and I haven't found anything that makes it better. So we can't talk about it, and I feel I can't focus on anything else.

I don't know what I'm trying to find out about avoidant personality disorder. It just seems fitting, and I can't see myself getting old like this. I want friends!!! I want life!!!! Now I just feel empty. I try to breathe in and relax and see what my thoughts are, I can even get relaxed some times, but I don't know what to do afterwards. There are insane amounts of shame and doubt inside of me.

I don't know why I don't do ACT. The pull is so strong to avoid social contact. This is another desperate post.

I get so stressed out. I don't know what's going on. Time bothers me real bad. It has been maybe ten years now, with these episodes. It is so scary. That I can't get going. I'll stop here. Go for a walk.

Haakon

[Guest guest]

I am not sure it is any consolation at all, but individual personality disorder diagnoses have among the poorest reliability in the DSM--including older and newer versions.I recall with great clarity when I was studying personality disorders in my graduate training--in particular Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was reading the criteria and I had the thought....prepare for huge irony here..."Oh no! I wonder if people think that about me?!"And then I had the thought, "And that is exactly what a person with Narcissistic PD would think."Whatever. Then there is living life, one day at a time, working to do the next right thing. Is this a challenging area for me? Sure. I carry a very deep seated fear that I do not measure up and that this will be discovered. Some of my biggest screw ups since getting sober have involved me being fearful of being found to not measure up and working very hard to look like someone who deserves to be here. When I do what fear says, I look self-centered, self-involved, self-serving, filled with self-importance and on. I do not feel that way. I feel like I am about to be found out and kicked out. All of these self-fill in the blank responses are defenses against getting found out and kicked out. They promise to help retain my spot at the table. They actually produce discord and rejection.So it goes. Still happens. On a good day, I notice that and settle. Take six breaths on purpose. Ask myself what small step I might make in that moment. Move my feet in the direction I value.Personality disorder diagnoses cannot even be well agreed upon by professionals and experts in the field. I do not think I would organize my life around a response to these dubious categories. Problems? Sure. Fixed properties/problems of the organism. I am not betting on it.with love,

G. 205 Peabody BuildingPsychology DepartmentUniversity of MississippiOxford, MS 38677ph: (best phone

I'm so afraid. I have this feeling that I am doomed. Yesteday I got some relief from reading "the mindful way through depression" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. There was an exercise where I had to "find feelings" in the body.

Today I have surfed the web reading about social isolation and avoidant personality disorder. It's stupid, but I did it. Now I just need to talk to someone, but no one wants to talk to me, because it doesn't help.

I just feel like I want to meet someone and do something, but I can't imagine what it should be. If I were to meet someone now, I don't think it would be very good for me. I met one friend yesterday, and when I told him I felt depressed again, it just felt like....I don't know. It felt like I was out of reach, cause I have been through these stretches of depression and isolation before, and I haven't found anything that makes it better. So we can't talk about it, and I feel I can't focus on anything else.

I don't know what I'm trying to find out about avoidant personality disorder. It just seems fitting, and I can't see myself getting old like this. I want friends!!! I want life!!!! Now I just feel empty. I try to breathe in and relax and see what my thoughts are, I can even get relaxed some times, but I don't know what to do afterwards. There are insane amounts of shame and doubt inside of me.

I don't know why I don't do ACT. The pull is so strong to avoid social contact. This is another desperate post.

I get so stressed out. I don't know what's going on. Time bothers me real bad. It has been maybe ten years now, with these episodes. It is so scary. That I can't get going. I'll stop here. Go for a walk.

Haakon

[Guest guest]

There but for the grace of (name your god here) go I. That fear of being 'found out' has been (is) a constant refrain throughout my life. Am I being irrational? Maybe. There is some reason, nevertheless. I work at something I am reasonably good at, although I have no formal training or credentials in that field -- it's all self-taught and the learning is ongoing. In short, I know my spelling and somehow know when a piece of writing is wonky. If asked to explain why I might think a piece of writing is wonky, I can't. Not in any formal, educated way. So I live with the dread of someone asking me a 'why' question. So far, so good. It hasn't happened yet. But the eventuality seems imminent.That fear has leached into all aspects of my life; it dominates almost everything I do, feel, and say. To say I live a misery is not too far-fetched. I feel I am hollow and inauthentic, and have been since my early teens, at least, which is when the rot seems to have begun.Often I feel like succumbing to the nihilism that seems to beckon with every further bit of bad news that arises, whether it is yet more evidence of human perfidy in the daily news, or a personal setback that threatens to bring my 'house of cards' tumbling down. Yet I haven't given up. Some small kernel of hope flickers like a flame deprived of fuel.As the late, lamented Kurt Vonnegut put it in Slaughterhouse-Five, 'So it goes'.Regards,DetlefSee http://www.avclub.com/articles/15-things-kurt-vonnegut-said-better-than-anyone-el,1858/ for '15 Things Kurt Vonnegut Said Better ... '.> > > > > I'm so afraid. I have this feeling that I am doomed. Yesteday I got some relief from reading "the mindful way through depression" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. There was an exercise where I had to "find feelings" in the body. > > > > Today I have surfed the web reading about social isolation and avoidant personality disorder. It's stupid, but I did it. Now I just need to talk to someone, but no one wants to talk to me, because it doesn't help. > > > > I just feel like I want to meet someone and do something, but I can't imagine what it should be. If I were to meet someone now, I don't think it would be very good for me. I met one friend yesterday, and when I told him I felt depressed again, it just felt like....I don't know. It felt like I was out of reach, cause I have been through these stretches of depression and isolation before, and I haven't found anything that makes it better. So we can't talk about it, and I feel I can't focus on anything else.> > > > I don't know what I'm trying to find out about avoidant personality disorder. It just seems fitting, and I can't see myself getting old like this. I want friends!!! I want life!!!! Now I just feel empty. I try to breathe in and relax and see what my thoughts are, I can even get relaxed some times, but I don't know what to do afterwards. There are insane amounts of shame and doubt inside of me.> > > > I don't know why I don't do ACT. The pull is so strong to avoid social contact. This is another desperate post. > > > > I get so stressed out. I don't know what's going on. Time bothers me real bad. It has been maybe ten years now, with these episodes. It is so scary. That I can't get going. I'll stop here. Go for a walk.> > > > Haakon> > > >>

[Guest guest]

Apparently personality disorders improve over time lessoning as we get

older and so they don't last forever. Anyway, I have probably have APD

too but I am much more easy going nowadays and I don't think all new

people I meet aren't going to like me much. Getting into a hobby might

be a gentle way to meet people. I used to go to art classes but there

are loads of hobbies you can try. Photography comes to mind, or hiking

groups (country walks), etc. A singles group is really good. I put off

going to one for years thinking it would be full of shy people like me

and so it would be naff, but everyone was lovely, friendly, and ordinary

(I thought ordinary sounded better than 'normal').

The thing is not to frighten yourself with, 'I will always be like

this', which will exhaust you and make it harder to find the life that

you want. Go easy with things to start with and be lenient on yourself.

This is what I learned to do which helped me.

ADP responds very well to therapy because sufferers really want to so

much make friends and get a social life. And don't think you were born

like this because it is not true, you can change and get better. All the

science nowadays shows this to be true.

That was a good heart felt post, , and I can see how I strive for

pefection to overcome my low self esteem, but it doesn't work. Well, to

be trueful, getting good at my job was helpful in the beginning but it

is certainly not the cure, far from it. I can see I will never feel good

enough so it is time for a different stragety.

Kv

>

> >

> > I'm so afraid. I have this feeling that I am doomed. Yesteday I got

some relief from reading " the mindful way through depression " by Jon

Kabat-Zinn. There was an exercise where I had to " find feelings " in the

body.

> >

> > Today I have surfed the web reading about social isolation and

avoidant personality disorder. It's stupid, but I did it. Now I just

need to talk to someone, but no one wants to talk to me, because it

doesn't help.

> >

> > I just feel like I want to meet someone and do something, but I

can't imagine what it should be. If I were to meet someone now, I don't

think it would be very good for me. I met one friend yesterday, and when

I told him I felt depressed again, it just felt like....I don't know. It

felt like I was out of reach, cause I have been through these stretches

of depression and isolation before, and I haven't found anything that

makes it better. So we can't talk about it, and I feel I can't focus on

anything else.

> >

> > I don't know what I'm trying to find out about avoidant personality

disorder. It just seems fitting, and I can't see myself getting old like

this. I want friends!!! I want life!!!! Now I just feel empty. I try to

breathe in and relax and see what my thoughts are, I can even get

relaxed some times, but I don't know what to do afterwards. There are

insane amounts of shame and doubt inside of me.

> >

> > I don't know why I don't do ACT. The pull is so strong to avoid

social contact. This is another desperate post.

> >

> > I get so stressed out. I don't know what's going on. Time bothers me

real bad. It has been maybe ten years now, with these episodes. It is so

scary. That I can't get going. I'll stop here. Go for a walk.

> >

> > Haakon

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Did you take the walk? Hope so! :-) To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Thursday, July 19, 2012 8:34 AM Subject: Freaking out over avoidant personality disorder

I'm so afraid. I have this feeling that I am doomed. Yesteday I got some relief from reading "the mindful way through depression" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. There was an exercise where I had to "find feelings" in the body.

Today I have surfed the web reading about social isolation and avoidant personality disorder. It's stupid, but I did it. Now I just need to talk to someone, but no one wants to talk to me, because it doesn't help.

I just feel like I want to meet someone and do something, but I can't imagine what it should be. If I were to meet someone now, I don't think it would be very good for me. I met one friend yesterday, and when I told him I felt depressed again, it just felt like....I don't know. It felt like I was out of reach, cause I have been through these stretches of depression and isolation before, and I haven't found anything that makes it better. So we can't talk about it, and I feel I can't focus on anything else.

I don't know what I'm trying to find out about avoidant personality disorder. It just seems fitting, and I can't see myself getting old like this. I want friends!!! I want life!!!! Now I just feel empty. I try to breathe in and relax and see what my thoughts are, I can even get relaxed some times, but I don't know what to do afterwards. There are insane amounts of shame and doubt inside of me.

I don't know why I don't do ACT. The pull is so strong to avoid social contact. This is another desperate post.

I get so stressed out. I don't know what's going on. Time bothers me real bad. It has been maybe ten years now, with these episodes. It is so scary. That I can't get going. I'll stop here. Go for a walk.

Haakon

[Guest guest]

I did go for a walk. That's good, I guess. I just feel like something has

shifted in my brain. There is so much fear. Most of all the fear of being alone.

I feel like I can't know anything about the world. That I don't kno who I am,

and don't know how to decide. I'm going to bed now. Thank you for your answers.

I appreciate them. Thank you.

Haakon

>

> Did you take the walk? Hope so! :-)

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: ACT_for_the_Public

> Sent: Thursday, July 19, 2012 8:34 AM

> Subject: Freaking out over avoidant personality disorder

>

>

>  

>

> I'm so afraid. I have this feeling that I am doomed. Yesteday I got some

relief from reading " the mindful way through depression " by Jon Kabat-Zinn.

There was an exercise where I had to " find feelings " in the body.

>

> Today I have surfed the web reading about social isolation and avoidant

personality disorder. It's stupid, but I did it. Now I just need to talk to

someone, but no one wants to talk to me, because it doesn't help.

>

> I just feel like I want to meet someone and do something, but I can't imagine

what it should be. If I were to meet someone now, I don't think it would be very

good for me. I met one friend yesterday, and when I told him I felt depressed

again, it just felt like....I don't know. It felt like I was out of reach, cause

I have been through these stretches of depression and isolation before, and I

haven't found anything that makes it better. So we can't talk about it, and I

feel I can't focus on anything else.

>

> I don't know what I'm trying to find out about avoidant personality disorder.

It just seems fitting, and I can't see myself getting old like this. I want

friends!!! I want life!!!! Now I just feel empty. I try to breathe in and relax

and see what my thoughts are, I can even get relaxed some times, but I don't

know what to do afterwards. There are insane amounts of shame and doubt inside

of me.

>

> I don't know why I don't do ACT. The pull is so strong to avoid social

contact. This is another desperate post.

>

> I get so stressed out. I don't know what's going on. Time bothers me real bad.

It has been maybe ten years now, with these episodes. It is so scary. That I

can't get going. I'll stop here. Go for a walk.

>

> Haakon

>

[Guest guest]

,

A tremendous response. I think that there are quite a number of people out there

who have the same 'What if I am found out " fear. I have one of these fears in my

professional life which has driven me & my career as it's slave for many years.

Probably will never overcome it, but just have to come to accept that I get

anxious in certain situations & that I can learn to manage that anxiety. Easy

said, but not so easily done.

Don

>

> >

> > I'm so afraid. I have this feeling that I am doomed. Yesteday I got some

relief from reading " the mindful way through depression " by Jon Kabat-Zinn.

There was an exercise where I had to " find feelings " in the body.

> >

> > Today I have surfed the web reading about social isolation and avoidant

personality disorder. It's stupid, but I did it. Now I just need to talk to

someone, but no one wants to talk to me, because it doesn't help.

> >

> > I just feel like I want to meet someone and do something, but I can't

imagine what it should be. If I were to meet someone now, I don't think it would

be very good for me. I met one friend yesterday, and when I told him I felt

depressed again, it just felt like....I don't know. It felt like I was out of

reach, cause I have been through these stretches of depression and isolation

before, and I haven't found anything that makes it better. So we can't talk

about it, and I feel I can't focus on anything else.

> >

> > I don't know what I'm trying to find out about avoidant personality

disorder. It just seems fitting, and I can't see myself getting old like this. I

want friends!!! I want life!!!! Now I just feel empty. I try to breathe in and

relax and see what my thoughts are, I can even get relaxed some times, but I

don't know what to do afterwards. There are insane amounts of shame and doubt

inside of me.

> >

> > I don't know why I don't do ACT. The pull is so strong to avoid social

contact. This is another desperate post.

> >

> > I get so stressed out. I don't know what's going on. Time bothers me real

bad. It has been maybe ten years now, with these episodes. It is so scary. That

I can't get going. I'll stop here. Go for a walk.

> >

> > Haakon

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well folks, I'm back again. Some of you may remember me others that have joined

since I have been on with the group, nice to meet you. I am having a severe

anxiety episode. , your response so resonated with me!!! The thing that

sets me back, disappoints me so is when the fear of not measuring up shows up

for me and brings the unwanted feelings along for the ride. It is about time for

me to go back to teaching and I had the thought " what if I have a child that

doesn't do what I say and that causes me to feel inadequate. " Then I add " those

thoughts and feelings are too much for me, they cause me not to function like a

productive human feeling. " I start thinking all sorts of " unACTlike " thoughts

and think oh I thought I had ACT figured out. I have functioned with little or

no anxiety for quite awhile, now it is back to ruin me and my mental health. I

feel like a failure at being able to accept the thoughts. It just seems lie the

thoughts and feelings are keeping me from doing all I am supposed to do!!

So nice to know this group is here. Even when I am not active in the group, I

think about y'all and what some of you have said in the past that has been so

helpful!!!

>

> >

> > I'm so afraid. I have this feeling that I am doomed. Yesteday I got some

relief from reading " the mindful way through depression " by Jon Kabat-Zinn.

There was an exercise where I had to " find feelings " in the body.

> >

> > Today I have surfed the web reading about social isolation and avoidant

personality disorder. It's stupid, but I did it. Now I just need to talk to

someone, but no one wants to talk to me, because it doesn't help.

> >

> > I just feel like I want to meet someone and do something, but I can't

imagine what it should be. If I were to meet someone now, I don't think it would

be very good for me. I met one friend yesterday, and when I told him I felt

depressed again, it just felt like....I don't know. It felt like I was out of

reach, cause I have been through these stretches of depression and isolation

before, and I haven't found anything that makes it better. So we can't talk

about it, and I feel I can't focus on anything else.

> >

> > I don't know what I'm trying to find out about avoidant personality

disorder. It just seems fitting, and I can't see myself getting old like this. I

want friends!!! I want life!!!! Now I just feel empty. I try to breathe in and

relax and see what my thoughts are, I can even get relaxed some times, but I

don't know what to do afterwards. There are insane amounts of shame and doubt

inside of me.

> >

> > I don't know why I don't do ACT. The pull is so strong to avoid social

contact. This is another desperate post.

> >

> > I get so stressed out. I don't know what's going on. Time bothers me real

bad. It has been maybe ten years now, with these episodes. It is so scary. That

I can't get going. I'll stop here. Go for a walk.

> >

> > Haakon

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> I carry a very deep seated fear that I do not measure up and

> that this will be discovered . . . On a good day, I notice

> that and settle. Take six breaths on purpose. Ask myself

> what small step I might make in that moment. Move my feet in

> the direction I value.

I hear something different here than the usual.

What I hear is not " I too have scary feelings and oh my God

they have such power over me. " Nor do I hear " I have found the

secret to control them. " Nor do I hear " I no longer feel them as

scary. " Nor even " I am now humble and good. "

I hear that a disconnect is possible between what fear or shame

tells us to do, and what we can (with practice, learning, still

learning) actually do with our time today.

This has been a tough lesson for me. I'm still learning it.

The funny thing about these sorts of disconnects is that sometimes

I don't even notice when I choose to move toward what I value. It

can take someone else to point out " Hey, look at how you just did

something you care about! " I am so used to concentrating on " what I

did wrong " and telling myself " Oh no, another day where I feel

scared and stupid and goofy. " So used to going back home after a

hard incident during which I tried something new and saying " That

didn't work, because it felt scary and it was awkward. "

So used to saying, " I need to understand this. "

So used to saying " I need to go home and read up on Avoidant

Personality Disorder. " (Which I did, by the way, as recently as this

past winter, desperately hoping for an " answer. " )

Mind says one thing, hands and feet do another. Mind says

one thing, hands and feet do another.

- R.