Freaking out over avoidant personality disorder

[Guest guest]

I'm so afraid. I have this feeling that I am doomed. Yesteday I got some relief

from reading " the mindful way through depression " by Jon Kabat-Zinn. There was

an exercise where I had to " find feelings " in the body.

Today I have surfed the web reading about social isolation and avoidant

personality disorder. It's stupid, but I did it. Now I just need to talk to

someone, but no one wants to talk to me, because it doesn't help.

I just feel like I want to meet someone and do something, but I can't imagine

what it should be. If I were to meet someone now, I don't think it would be very

good for me. I met one friend yesterday, and when I told him I felt depressed

again, it just felt like....I don't know. It felt like I was out of reach, cause

I have been through these stretches of depression and isolation before, and I

haven't found anything that makes it better. So we can't talk about it, and I

feel I can't focus on anything else.

I don't know what I'm trying to find out about avoidant personality disorder. It

just seems fitting, and I can't see myself getting old like this. I want

friends!!! I want life!!!! Now I just feel empty. I try to breathe in and relax

and see what my thoughts are, I can even get relaxed some times, but I don't

know what to do afterwards. There are insane amounts of shame and doubt inside

of me.

I don't know why I don't do ACT. The pull is so strong to avoid social contact.

This is another desperate post.

I get so stressed out. I don't know what's going on. Time bothers me real bad.

It has been maybe ten years now, with these episodes. It is so scary. That I

can't get going. I'll stop here. Go for a walk.

Haakon