Guest guest Posted April 24, 2008 Report Share Posted April 24, 2008 You're being too hard on yourself, girlscout, which we all were taught as kids -- to deny how we feel and bury it so we could let others have their feelings. The only thing I can tell you is if you're not sure of yourself at the moment you're setting your boundary, you're going to get those self-doubting thoughts later. If you're asserting yourself as politely (but firmly!) as possible, then you just have to tell yourself afterward that you did what you could and the world is just going to have to deal with it. Just be firm that you don't like something, and you have every God- given right to say so if someone is stepping out of line. I've heard it said that one mark of emotional maturity is not falling all over yourself feeling guilty or explaining yourself. Maybe you could make that your goal: tweak what you need to in your method of taking up for yourself -- or drawing your boundaries. Strive to say it confidently -- you could just be dealing with needing to perfect your technique. If you're being polite about it, (No overreacting, screaming & yelling, of course) then you have NO REASON to swoop in and take care of everyone's reactions -- like an emotional waitress! You're not the waitstaff, responsible for everyone else's good time - - you're at the table, girlfriend. -Kyla > > Hi Everyone, > Thanks to all for your posts on boundaries. I have a question. > > I, too, of course have encountered the dipsh*ts who don't respond to " please > don't do " or " that makes me uncomfortable " ways of setting boundaries. I am > very capable of setting and enforcing my boundaries, even to the point of > having to be rude or having to slam a door on someone. I know how to be > assertive and how to stick up for myself. Even though in my FOO I had a rep > of being very strong and tough, most people I know describe me as > " intuitive, sensitive, nurturing " etc. > > My problem is with the way I feel after. I feel terrible and replay my > actions, questioning them. My boyfriend tells me that I am giving " the > bozos " too much of my time and mental energy. But, I think it is a biproduct > of being a survivor of BPD. > > I have gotten a lot better now that I have discovered BPD. I used to feel > badly about myself after even politely and kindly setting a boundary. I'm > finding that a little easier. How do I manage my own feelings about setting > boundaries? It's like there is a little person in my head saying " a nice > girl wouldn't do that. " And " don't upset so and so. " It's really bad lately > and I'm having a hard time with it. > > Help??? > girlscout > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2008 Report Share Posted April 24, 2008 Girlscout -- forgive me but your question brought up a funny visual in my head. You know, regarding when we speak up we crumble and feel guilty afterward? We were taught it's OK for everyone else to speak up and assert themselves, and we are to defer to everyone else. Well, we're learning we don't have to live by that, right? Makes me think of that old E.F. Hutton commercial -- does anyone remember that? A scene in a noisy restaurant, and one table of people is talking, and when one person (the KO!) offers his opinion, the whole place stops suddenly....waiters stop, people halt forks coming into their mouths -- all noise ceases, and they all look at him. That's how it feels to me! -kyla > > Hi Everyone, > Thanks to all for your posts on boundaries. I have a question. > > I, too, of course have encountered the dipsh*ts who don't respond to " please > don't do " or " that makes me uncomfortable " ways of setting boundaries. I am > very capable of setting and enforcing my boundaries, even to the point of > having to be rude or having to slam a door on someone. I know how to be > assertive and how to stick up for myself. Even though in my FOO I had a rep > of being very strong and tough, most people I know describe me as > " intuitive, sensitive, nurturing " etc. > > My problem is with the way I feel after. I feel terrible and replay my > actions, questioning them. My boyfriend tells me that I am giving " the > bozos " too much of my time and mental energy. But, I think it is a biproduct > of being a survivor of BPD. > > I have gotten a lot better now that I have discovered BPD. I used to feel > badly about myself after even politely and kindly setting a boundary. I'm > finding that a little easier. How do I manage my own feelings about setting > boundaries? It's like there is a little person in my head saying " a nice > girl wouldn't do that. " And " don't upset so and so. " It's really bad lately > and I'm having a hard time with it. > > Help??? > girlscout > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2008 Report Share Posted April 24, 2008 Ha ha, I remember that commercial " E. F. Hutton? " No, I " m not a screamer, I am a " please " and " thank you " kind of girl. Thank you for the reminder. One of my biggest struggles has been to not feel other peoples feelings. It is so so so hard for me not to do it and take the pressure off everyone but myself. I need to try to replace feeling self-critical with feeling proud of myself for asking for what I want, right? Easy to say hard to do. . . > > Girlscout -- forgive me but your question brought up a funny visual > in my head. You know, regarding when we speak up we crumble and > feel guilty afterward? We were taught it's OK for everyone else to > speak up and assert themselves, and we are to defer to everyone else. > > Well, we're learning we don't have to live by that, right? Makes me > think of that old E.F. Hutton commercial -- does anyone remember > that? A scene in a noisy restaurant, and one table of people is > talking, and when one person (the KO!) offers his opinion, the whole > place stops suddenly....waiters stop, people halt forks coming into > their mouths -- all noise ceases, and they all look at him. > > That's how it feels to me! > > -kyla > > > > > > Hi Everyone, > > Thanks to all for your posts on boundaries. I have a question. > > > > I, too, of course have encountered the dipsh*ts who don't respond > to " please > > don't do " or " that makes me uncomfortable " ways of setting > boundaries. I am > > very capable of setting and enforcing my boundaries, even to the > point of > > having to be rude or having to slam a door on someone. I know how > to be > > assertive and how to stick up for myself. Even though in my FOO I > had a rep > > of being very strong and tough, most people I know describe me as > > " intuitive, sensitive, nurturing " etc. > > > > My problem is with the way I feel after. I feel terrible and > replay my > > actions, questioning them. My boyfriend tells me that I am > giving " the > > bozos " too much of my time and mental energy. But, I think it is a > biproduct > > of being a survivor of BPD. > > > > I have gotten a lot better now that I have discovered BPD. I used > to feel > > badly about myself after even politely and kindly setting a > boundary. I'm > > finding that a little easier. How do I manage my own feelings > about setting > > boundaries? It's like there is a little person in my head > saying " a nice > > girl wouldn't do that. " And " don't upset so and so. " It's really > bad lately > > and I'm having a hard time with it. > > > > Help??? > > girlscout > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2008 Report Share Posted April 24, 2008 " One of my biggest struggles has been to not feel other peoples feelings " . What scares me is that I'm only starting to realize THIS ISN'T NORMAL or healthy. Sigh... Lynnette > > > > > > Hi Everyone, > > > Thanks to all for your posts on boundaries. I have a question. > > > > > > I, too, of course have encountered the dipsh*ts who don't respond > > to " please > > > don't do " or " that makes me uncomfortable " ways of setting > > boundaries. I am > > > very capable of setting and enforcing my boundaries, even to the > > point of > > > having to be rude or having to slam a door on someone. I know how > > to be > > > assertive and how to stick up for myself. Even though in my FOO I > > had a rep > > > of being very strong and tough, most people I know describe me as > > > " intuitive, sensitive, nurturing " etc. > > > > > > My problem is with the way I feel after. I feel terrible and > > replay my > > > actions, questioning them. My boyfriend tells me that I am > > giving " the > > > bozos " too much of my time and mental energy. But, I think it is a > > biproduct > > > of being a survivor of BPD. > > > > > > I have gotten a lot better now that I have discovered BPD. I used > > to feel > > > badly about myself after even politely and kindly setting a > > boundary. I'm > > > finding that a little easier. How do I manage my own feelings > > about setting > > > boundaries? It's like there is a little person in my head > > saying " a nice > > > girl wouldn't do that. " And " don't upset so and so. " It's really > > bad lately > > > and I'm having a hard time with it. > > > > > > Help??? > > > girlscout > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2008 Report Share Posted April 24, 2008 " easy to say, hard to do " .... Yes, you got that right -- I struggle with it, too. -Kyla > > > > > > Hi Everyone, > > > Thanks to all for your posts on boundaries. I have a question. > > > > > > I, too, of course have encountered the dipsh*ts who don't respond > > to " please > > > don't do " or " that makes me uncomfortable " ways of setting > > boundaries. I am > > > very capable of setting and enforcing my boundaries, even to the > > point of > > > having to be rude or having to slam a door on someone. I know how > > to be > > > assertive and how to stick up for myself. Even though in my FOO I > > had a rep > > > of being very strong and tough, most people I know describe me as > > > " intuitive, sensitive, nurturing " etc. > > > > > > My problem is with the way I feel after. I feel terrible and > > replay my > > > actions, questioning them. My boyfriend tells me that I am > > giving " the > > > bozos " too much of my time and mental energy. But, I think it is a > > biproduct > > > of being a survivor of BPD. > > > > > > I have gotten a lot better now that I have discovered BPD. I used > > to feel > > > badly about myself after even politely and kindly setting a > > boundary. I'm > > > finding that a little easier. How do I manage my own feelings > > about setting > > > boundaries? It's like there is a little person in my head > > saying " a nice > > > girl wouldn't do that. " And " don't upset so and so. " It's really > > bad lately > > > and I'm having a hard time with it. > > > > > > Help??? > > > girlscout > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2008 Report Share Posted April 24, 2008 what i wish i didn't do all the time is unconsciously plot peoples' behaviors and try predict their reactions to things. apparently that's not all together " normal. " hyper vigilant much? bink > > > > > > > > Hi Everyone, > > > > Thanks to all for your posts on boundaries. I have a question. > > > > > > > > I, too, of course have encountered the dipsh*ts who don't > respond > > > to " please > > > > don't do " or " that makes me uncomfortable " ways of setting > > > boundaries. I am > > > > very capable of setting and enforcing my boundaries, even to > the > > > point of > > > > having to be rude or having to slam a door on someone. I know > how > > > to be > > > > assertive and how to stick up for myself. Even though in my > FOO I > > > had a rep > > > > of being very strong and tough, most people I know describe me > as > > > > " intuitive, sensitive, nurturing " etc. > > > > > > > > My problem is with the way I feel after. I feel terrible and > > > replay my > > > > actions, questioning them. My boyfriend tells me that I am > > > giving " the > > > > bozos " too much of my time and mental energy. But, I think it > is a > > > biproduct > > > > of being a survivor of BPD. > > > > > > > > I have gotten a lot better now that I have discovered BPD. I > used > > > to feel > > > > badly about myself after even politely and kindly setting a > > > boundary. I'm > > > > finding that a little easier. How do I manage my own feelings > > > about setting > > > > boundaries? It's like there is a little person in my head > > > saying " a nice > > > > girl wouldn't do that. " And " don't upset so and so. " It's > really > > > bad lately > > > > and I'm having a hard time with it. > > > > > > > > Help??? > > > > girlscout > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2008 Report Share Posted April 24, 2008 I can empathize with this, girlscout. I've been reading alot of the posts tonight and I find myself wondering how to make oneself feel or not feel anything. I think it probably is one of those things that you get from working on another area and then one day it 'clicks' and you don't feel the guilt anymore...or it's possible because we are so falsely programmed that maybe we will always have an inappropriate emotional reaction, though less and less with time. I think comments like 'you are giving them too much time and energy' imply choice, i.e. you are choosing to feel the way that you do, now stop, and that is just adding insult to injury. If this was something you could control, it wouldn't be a problem. I don't know what the answer is, except to accept that we feel way too much responsibility for other people, and try not to beat ourselves up because we have these 'kinks'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2008 Report Share Posted April 25, 2008 > > what i wish i didn't do all the time is unconsciously plot peoples' > behaviors and try predict their reactions to things. apparently > that's not all together " normal. " hyper vigilant much? > > bink > Yeah Bink, I know what you mean. I should have been a criminal profiler. My therapist told me that my hypervigilance matched that of a Viet Nam vet he was treating. The only difference was that the Vet needed medication to keep from killing his wife accidentally during sleep. I can tell in a very short amount of time 'who' someone is. It's like I can see behind the mask that most people will wear. You can probably smell BPD on some one a mile off, I'm willing to bet. Parentified Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2008 Report Share Posted April 25, 2008 i was always interested in criminal profiling as a kid, way into serial killers and really sociopathic people. i always thought that was kind of cool (the job), but never really connected the two until just...NOW. i seem to attract people with personality disorders, but it might be that lots of people have them and i have the unfortunate ability to see it? (hope hope hope) it definitely helps when dealing with my at-risk middle schoolers, though. i can see right through their facades to the real problems they're worried about...so it can be helpful. HEY! i'm like a pre-criminal profiler!! i just started with a therapist about two months ago and it has been interesting, but the guy is just starting to get to know me and in all honesty, my hyper vigilance treads very close to the paranoia department (sometimes crosses that line altogether). anyway, should be interesting! welcome to the group!! bink > > > > what i wish i didn't do all the time is unconsciously plot peoples' > > behaviors and try predict their reactions to things. apparently > > that's not all together " normal. " hyper vigilant much? > > > > bink > > > > Yeah Bink, I know what you mean. I should have been a criminal > profiler. My therapist told me that my hypervigilance matched that > of a Viet Nam vet he was treating. The only difference was that the > Vet needed medication to keep from killing his wife accidentally > during sleep. > > I can tell in a very short amount of time 'who' someone is. It's > like I can see behind the mask that most people will wear. You can > probably smell BPD on some one a mile off, I'm willing to bet. > > Parentified > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2008 Report Share Posted April 25, 2008 Oh me too talk about free rent huh Suebee > > > > > > > > > > Hi Everyone, > > > > > Thanks to all for your posts on boundaries. I have a question. > > > > > > > > > > I, too, of course have encountered the dipsh*ts who don't > > respond > > > > to " please > > > > > don't do " or " that makes me uncomfortable " ways of setting > > > > boundaries. I am > > > > > very capable of setting and enforcing my boundaries, even to > > the > > > > point of > > > > > having to be rude or having to slam a door on someone. I know > > how > > > > to be > > > > > assertive and how to stick up for myself. Even though in my > > FOO I > > > > had a rep > > > > > of being very strong and tough, most people I know describe me > > as > > > > > " intuitive, sensitive, nurturing " etc. > > > > > > > > > > My problem is with the way I feel after. I feel terrible and > > > > replay my > > > > > actions, questioning them. My boyfriend tells me that I am > > > > giving " the > > > > > bozos " too much of my time and mental energy. But, I think it > > is a > > > > biproduct > > > > > of being a survivor of BPD. > > > > > > > > > > I have gotten a lot better now that I have discovered BPD. I > > used > > > > to feel > > > > > badly about myself after even politely and kindly setting a > > > > boundary. I'm > > > > > finding that a little easier. How do I manage my own feelings > > > > about setting > > > > > boundaries? It's like there is a little person in my head > > > > saying " a nice > > > > > girl wouldn't do that. " And " don't upset so and so. " It's > > really > > > > bad lately > > > > > and I'm having a hard time with it. > > > > > > > > > > Help??? > > > > > girlscout > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2008 Report Share Posted April 25, 2008 " my hyper vigilance treads very close to the paranoia > department (sometimes crosses that line altogether). " I know what you mean. My doctor put me on Lexapro for a year to bring my biochemistry back into alignment. It made a huge difference. After a year of being on that and working with my therapist, my threat mechanism adjusted in a big way. The Doc took me off it to see if I needed to stay on it and I don't. My fiancee has a standing veto that I gave her permission to use if I'm getting too symptomatic; I'll go back on it in a heart beat if it means I'm not improving. She says she hasn't noticed a difference since I stopped using it. That's a good sign. The Lexapro gave my brain the physiological kick start it needed to break the hypervigilance/paranoia loop that it was firing in. Talk to your doctor. He might have some other ideas that can help. Peace and Strength, Parentified Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2008 Report Share Posted April 25, 2008 Hyper vigilance... I hear ya. I've learned, over the last 5 years, (long before I found out what nada's bpd was)... to go into an extremely decreased rate of speech when feeling threatened. Because I deal with academics, they just think I'm being brilliant and allow me to function as the 'creative genius' while I'm explaining 'things'. What I'm really doing is slowing my heart rate down so I don't, by reflex, lunge across the table and rip peoples lips off. It's taken me the better part of the last 2 years be able to sit in a restaurant where my back isn't up against a wall, facing the door, so I can see who's coming in, what's what and where is my nearest escape. Sad but true. I'm getting there... slowly... one phrase my SO said to me, " Sometimes you get into your head and forget where the door is... " . I've since given him (and 2 friends) permission to show me the door when I get lost in myself. I just forget. My therapist has been great in teaching me how to find my own breadcrumb path back... sometimes it's a chore... but it's getting easier. Geez, feeling twitchy... haven't 'shared' this much since nada told me on my 14 th Birthday (when I wanted to go to a h.s. football game instead of hanging out with my mom/step dad), " When you were born 14 years ago, I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited.. NOW I wonder what the big F***ing deal was " . And she slammed out of the room and locked herself in the bedroom. SD took me to the game. She denies this happened. I guess that was one of many pivitol moments of development... or stagnation. Lynnette > > " my hyper vigilance treads very close to the paranoia > > department (sometimes crosses that line altogether). " > > I know what you mean. My doctor put me on Lexapro for a year to > bring my biochemistry back into alignment. It made a huge > difference. After a year of being on that and working with my > therapist, my threat mechanism adjusted in a big way. The Doc took > me off it to see if I needed to stay on it and I don't. My fiancee > has a standing veto that I gave her permission to use if I'm getting > too symptomatic; I'll go back on it in a heart beat if it means I'm > not improving. She says she hasn't noticed a difference since I > stopped using it. That's a good sign. > > The Lexapro gave my brain the physiological kick start it needed to > break the hypervigilance/paranoia loop that it was firing in. > > Talk to your doctor. He might have some other ideas that can help. > > Peace and Strength, > > Parentified > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2008 Report Share Posted April 25, 2008 Hey Bink, I do that exact same thing and if I know someone, I can pretty much always predict what they will do. People come to me a lot to ask me what to do about difficult people/bosses etc. Thanks Mayalisa, you make a really good point. I'm not in therapy now, and the most recent time I was in therapy it was to help me get back to work after being sexually and otherwise harassed at my job. Anyway, my therapist constantly reminded me that I can control my thoughts and that thoughts lead to feelings. So, I don't really know where I'm going with this other than that when I am having negative feelings I try to change my thoughts and it does help. For example, someone I work with was late this morning for an important appointment. I felt very guilty after and bad and I just kept thinking, " I did everything that I could within my control. His lateness is outside of my control. " It did help. My boyfriend is very nice and it probably sounded harsher the way I wrote it. > > I can empathize with this, girlscout. I've been reading alot of the > posts tonight and I find myself wondering how to make oneself feel or > not feel anything. I think it probably is one of those things that you > get from working on another area and then one day it 'clicks' and you > don't feel the guilt anymore...or it's possible because we are so > falsely programmed that maybe we will always have an inappropriate > emotional reaction, though less and less with time. I think comments > like 'you are giving them too much time and energy' imply choice, i.e. > you are choosing to feel the way that you do, now stop, and that is > just adding insult to injury. If this was something you could control, > it wouldn't be a problem. I don't know what the answer is, except to > accept that we feel way too much responsibility for other people, and > try not to beat ourselves up because we have these 'kinks'. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 27, 2008 Report Share Posted April 27, 2008 Jane , in her book Boundary Issues, would say that this is a High Level of Permeability. (permeability is the characteristic of boundaries that allows varying degrees of other people into us, and varying degrees of us into other people). Here is her website: http://janeadams.com/ where you can read more about permeability of boundaries. From you friend " WALKING TO HAPPINESS " . May we all walk towards happiness... --------------------------------- Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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