Re: A big case of the What am I's coming on...

[Guest guest]

Lynnete--thanks for this post. I found it moving. There is a lot I

can relate to. I also have a successful personal and professional

life, and am perfectionist and used to doing my " things " and being

my " roles " exceptionally well. I've always felt a hole, a deep and

scaring void inside, the absence of my own voice (even though I am

very articulate professionally and in writing). I suffered from it,

felt depressed sometimes but always got myself together again within

some days, suffered from panic attacks and anxiety occasionally. It

was terrifying for the control freak I was to be out of control

during such an attack (and I could relate " being out of control " only

to the years and years of physical violence in my FOO, so I hated

this in myself) -- that is why I entered therapy.

Although in therapy it became clear that I had been living in a

highly dysfunctional yet high-functioning family with a BPD-mother

who fooled (and continues to fool) everyone in- and outside the

family, I continued to try to be the good daughter, to maintain some

kind of sane relationship with my parents, my sister, my aunts and

uncles, anyone. I needed them because the spider needed its web, not

to feel 'suspended', 'unconnected'. Or so I thought.

Some four months ago, I could not continue this anymore. It did not

happen from one day to the next, like a radical breakdown. First, the

overachievement at work was decreasing, I was letting go, my

ambitions crumbled. It was a slow process and I think it started with

the completion of my PhD three years ago. Since the beginning of

2008, however, the awareness of the " void " , caused by a deep pain

of " not-belonging " , of frustrated love, could not be pushed away

anymore. And yes, I suffer from this void, and I suffer when I notice

I cannot hear my own voice. But it has been crucial for me that I

stopped trying to 'not see' and 'not feel'. It is now dawning on me

that so many things I've done and achieved in my busy life have been

done and achieved because I needed to RUN AWAY from the terrible

void. But I think I first need to acknowledge that there is this void

where there should be my core, this silence where there should be my

voice. And start from there. Otherwise the void will always manifest

itself--on the horizon, in my fear of losing loved ones, at the end

of a challenging project, as a big nothing that threatens to

annihilate me. I was not running and working because I wanted to

create a center, I was running because I ran away from the void...

But it helps to know we haven't been running alone, doesn't it...and

you put it so well.

Katrina

>

> I have a 5 page resume.

> I have many degree's (the current 'working on' is a Doctorate).

> I have authored many articles and assisted on many books.

>

> My " titles " include: mother, daughter, friend, lover, business

> owner, creater, researcher, academic and visionary.

>

> I can tell you all what I do by the product I produce and " Who I

am "

> in terms of the roles I play in relation to other people...

>

> I can even tell you all the personality traits I work by because

> they're easily defined.

>

> But in the wee morning hourse, long after the roles are exhausted,

> the duties performed and the 'list' is all crossed off, I don't

> know " What I am " .

>

> I feel that I am missing some core piece from which to work outward

> from. While my matrix web is huge, inter-locking and wide

> spreading... the core is strangely absent. It's almost like a

> spider that wove inward in an attempt to create the solid

foundation

> from which to operate... I feel like I've done this whole " life

> thing so far " backwards. That maybe by 'doing' these things, above

> and beyond and exceptionally well, I'll be able to find, and

create,

> that center.

>

> Lynnette - struggling today.

>

[Guest guest]

OMG...

You heard me.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

lynnette

> >

> > I have a 5 page resume.

> > I have many degree's (the current 'working on' is a Doctorate).

> > I have authored many articles and assisted on many books.

> >

> > My " titles " include: mother, daughter, friend, lover, business

> > owner, creater, researcher, academic and visionary.

> >

> > I can tell you all what I do by the product I produce and " Who I

> am "

> > in terms of the roles I play in relation to other people...

> >

> > I can even tell you all the personality traits I work by because

> > they're easily defined.

> >

> > But in the wee morning hourse, long after the roles are

exhausted,

> > the duties performed and the 'list' is all crossed off, I don't

> > know " What I am " .

> >

> > I feel that I am missing some core piece from which to work

outward

> > from. While my matrix web is huge, inter-locking and wide

> > spreading... the core is strangely absent. It's almost like a

> > spider that wove inward in an attempt to create the solid

> foundation

> > from which to operate... I feel like I've done this whole " life

> > thing so far " backwards. That maybe by 'doing' these things,

above

> > and beyond and exceptionally well, I'll be able to find, and

> create,

> > that center.

> >

> > Lynnette - struggling today.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lynnette,

Thanks for your post. I have that problem too and I have a lot more

questions about who I am than others my age. This happens because BPD

mothers are not able to " mirror " their child. After reading your post, I

decided i should learn more about identity development so that I can

reparent myself through what others have already received. This is the best

website I have seen so far in my research. Let me know if it helps you

http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/FY769

girlscout

>

> OMG...

> You heard me.

>

> THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

>

> lynnette

>

>

> > >

> > > I have a 5 page resume.

> > > I have many degree's (the current 'working on' is a Doctorate).

> > > I have authored many articles and assisted on many books.

> > >

> > > My " titles " include: mother, daughter, friend, lover, business

> > > owner, creater, researcher, academic and visionary.

> > >

> > > I can tell you all what I do by the product I produce and " Who I

> > am "

> > > in terms of the roles I play in relation to other people...

> > >

> > > I can even tell you all the personality traits I work by because

> > > they're easily defined.

> > >

> > > But in the wee morning hourse, long after the roles are

> exhausted,

> > > the duties performed and the 'list' is all crossed off, I don't

> > > know " What I am " .

> > >

> > > I feel that I am missing some core piece from which to work

> outward

> > > from. While my matrix web is huge, inter-locking and wide

> > > spreading... the core is strangely absent. It's almost like a

> > > spider that wove inward in an attempt to create the solid

> > foundation

> > > from which to operate... I feel like I've done this whole " life

> > > thing so far " backwards. That maybe by 'doing' these things,

> above

> > > and beyond and exceptionally well, I'll be able to find, and

> > create,

> > > that center.

> > >

> > > Lynnette - struggling today.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's the same for me.

I could feel my own void expanding and contracting as I read your posts

Lynnette, Katrina, Abby. We need to talk some more about this.... what will

it take to get centered, to get happy, to feel satisfaction?

I think sometimes " why am I killing myself working on this PhD and raising a

kid and trying to be the perfect wife/sister/daughter " ? Am I going to be any

happier than if I gave up on one or two of these things? It would be easier

to give up, be " average " . It's like we're trying to overcome our BPD-given

feelings of inadequacy anyway we can, whether or not it makes sense for us,

because we have no idea what makes sense for us, because we don't know who

we are!

[Guest guest]

Is it wholey pathetic to say I didn't even realize I HAD feelings of

inadequacy? I've always just " Stormed the Bastille " , " Wayne'd

it " , " Beat the Odds " ... My Goodness I've been the poster child for

pulling myself up and moving mountains in the face of adversity...

but I've always secretly envied the woman who was content in the

garden tending her roses with such care and gentleness.

My SO asked me, when we were first taking a look at our friendship

to see if we were going to go in the other direction, " What do you

want more than anything in this world? " . Without hesitating, I

said, " To be precious " .

Sniff...

>

> It's the same for me.

>

> I could feel my own void expanding and contracting as I read your

posts

> Lynnette, Katrina, Abby. We need to talk some more about this....

what will

> it take to get centered, to get happy, to feel satisfaction?

>

> I think sometimes " why am I killing myself working on this PhD and

raising a

> kid and trying to be the perfect wife/sister/daughter " ? Am I going

to be any

> happier than if I gave up on one or two of these things? It would

be easier

> to give up, be " average " . It's like we're trying to overcome our

BPD-given

> feelings of inadequacy anyway we can, whether or not it makes

sense for us,

> because we have no idea what makes sense for us, because we don't

know who

> we are!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ditto.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have a 5 page resume.

> > > > > I have many degree's (the current 'working on' is a

> Doctorate).

> > > > > I have authored many articles and assisted on many books.

> > > > >

> > > > > My " titles " include: mother, daughter, friend, lover,

business

> > > > > owner, creater, researcher, academic and visionary.

> > > > >

> > > > > I can tell you all what I do by the product I produce

> and " Who I

> > > > am "

> > > > > in terms of the roles I play in relation to other people...

> > > > >

> > > > > I can even tell you all the personality traits I work by

> because

> > > > > they're easily defined.

> > > > >

> > > > > But in the wee morning hourse, long after the roles are

> > > exhausted,

> > > > > the duties performed and the 'list' is all crossed off, I

> don't

> > > > > know " What I am " .

> > > > >

> > > > > I feel that I am missing some core piece from which to work

> > > outward

> > > > > from. While my matrix web is huge, inter-locking and wide

> > > > > spreading... the core is strangely absent. It's almost

like a

> > > > > spider that wove inward in an attempt to create the solid

> > > > foundation

> > > > > from which to operate... I feel like I've done this

> whole " life

> > > > > thing so far " backwards. That maybe by 'doing' these

things,

> > > above

> > > > > and beyond and exceptionally well, I'll be able to find,

and

> > > > create,

> > > > > that center.

> > > > >

> > > > > Lynnette - struggling today.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list. You all

hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going through

what you all described with such intensity right now that I joined

this board.

I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers. Disordered

father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life, from as

early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees, &

certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn to for

counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens and gives

support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional gas tank

is dry.

I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My own nada

rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no' matter to

me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days ago, I

went out to make some introductory business calls and went into

complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

I have given love, support, and guidance to so many people, that I'm

all out right now. I feel not only that I don't have anything left

to give, but that I don't even know who the hell I really am, since I

just stayed in the same parentified role regardless of the

situation. Now I just want to crawl in a hole and die. If it

weren't for the pain that would cause my beloved fiancee and close

friends, that's probably what I'd do.

Reading your posts, ladies, I am sad and glad to say that we're not

alone.

According to my therapist, I am only one of three patients he's

treated in over 30 years that managed to come through the other side

of severe childhood trauma and still have their core self intact.

Yes I still trust, and love, and have self-awareness; but who that

self *really* is has become acutely in question.

As a man, much of my self concept has been determined by my

productivity. In my practice, productivity doesn't always stay

consistent or manifest itself according to my preferred timeline. As

a result, I find my self-worth bashed to hell and gone when a

transaction doesn't complete, or a client changes their course.

I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should never attach

their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well, I've done

exactly that. And I don't know why.

I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness' is without

external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or burgers,

but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

emotional terrorism?'

Thanks for sharing. This dialogue is very helpful to me, and I hope

the reverse is true.

Warm regards,

Parentified

[Guest guest]

To be precious. God, that's poetic. I just want to lay down my

burdens. But, I'm building a practice and that takes 3-5 years of

focused work. Part of me just wants to be a Nine to Fiver who makes

enough to live on, and has no real responsibilities. Then my

capable, competent, overachiever wakes up and I dive back in.

It's not pathetic to feel inadequate. Or rather, if it is, I'm right

there with you!

> >

> > It's the same for me.

> >

> > I could feel my own void expanding and contracting as I read your

> posts

> > Lynnette, Katrina, Abby. We need to talk some more about this....

> what will

> > it take to get centered, to get happy, to feel satisfaction?

> >

> > I think sometimes " why am I killing myself working on this PhD

and

> raising a

> > kid and trying to be the perfect wife/sister/daughter " ? Am I

going

> to be any

> > happier than if I gave up on one or two of these things? It would

> be easier

> > to give up, be " average " . It's like we're trying to overcome our

> BPD-given

> > feelings of inadequacy anyway we can, whether or not it makes

> sense for us,

> > because we have no idea what makes sense for us, because we don't

> know who

> > we are!

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

So, what makes us keep going?

From the list of the similarly situated here (the AAAA+++ crowd), I

think we're all due for a break... yet, I venture a guess that we're

all lined up for the next month plus in our trust calendars with

people to meet, deals to close, visions to build and people to

facilitate towards their Nirvana's... when did the " I " of childhood

become the " THEM " of never ending emotional consumption?

You were a life coach? I spent 15+ years in social services as a

crisis counselor and intervention coordinator... I rocked at it...

no big shocker there.

When I finally burned out and moved to another field, I shot up on

my own thought of what the field should be... and found people

willing to shoot their stars with mine... it's paid off but

honestly... I never realized that OTHER PEOPLE don't live like

this. I just didn't hear " no " as an impactful statement (similar,

yes?)... I just thought it was pesky.

I sometimes feel like crawling in a hole and dying... but I think I

would get bored to fast to make it an effective life option...

nothing like a good crisis challenge to get the ol' fires burnin'.

Peace... hugs... and internal silence for your evening...

Lynnette

>

> Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list. You all

> hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going

through

> what you all described with such intensity right now that I joined

> this board.

>

> I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers.

Disordered

> father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life, from as

> early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

>

> I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees, &

> certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn to

for

> counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens and

gives

> support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional gas

tank

> is dry.

>

> I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My own

nada

> rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no' matter

to

> me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days ago, I

> went out to make some introductory business calls and went into

> complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

>

> I have given love, support, and guidance to so many people, that

I'm

> all out right now. I feel not only that I don't have anything

left

> to give, but that I don't even know who the hell I really am,

since I

> just stayed in the same parentified role regardless of the

> situation. Now I just want to crawl in a hole and die. If it

> weren't for the pain that would cause my beloved fiancee and close

> friends, that's probably what I'd do.

>

> Reading your posts, ladies, I am sad and glad to say that we're

not

> alone.

>

> According to my therapist, I am only one of three patients he's

> treated in over 30 years that managed to come through the other

side

> of severe childhood trauma and still have their core self intact.

> Yes I still trust, and love, and have self-awareness; but who that

> self *really* is has become acutely in question.

>

> As a man, much of my self concept has been determined by my

> productivity. In my practice, productivity doesn't always stay

> consistent or manifest itself according to my preferred timeline.

As

> a result, I find my self-worth bashed to hell and gone when a

> transaction doesn't complete, or a client changes their course.

>

> I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should never

attach

> their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well, I've

done

> exactly that. And I don't know why.

>

> I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness' is

without

> external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or

burgers,

> but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> emotional terrorism?'

>

> Thanks for sharing. This dialogue is very helpful to me, and I

hope

> the reverse is true.

>

> Warm regards,

>

> Parentified

>

[Guest guest]

" Precious " ...

His reply made me trust him...

" Precious? Done... " .

Then he sang to me, " Fly Me to the Moon " and I wept.

> > >

> > > It's the same for me.

> > >

> > > I could feel my own void expanding and contracting as I read

your

> > posts

> > > Lynnette, Katrina, Abby. We need to talk some more about

this....

> > what will

> > > it take to get centered, to get happy, to feel satisfaction?

> > >

> > > I think sometimes " why am I killing myself working on this PhD

> and

> > raising a

> > > kid and trying to be the perfect wife/sister/daughter " ? Am I

> going

> > to be any

> > > happier than if I gave up on one or two of these things? It

would

> > be easier

> > > to give up, be " average " . It's like we're trying to overcome

our

> > BPD-given

> > > feelings of inadequacy anyway we can, whether or not it makes

> > sense for us,

> > > because we have no idea what makes sense for us, because we

don't

> > know who

> > > we are!

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Abby Doo (Love that name),

I am so there with you. I am sick to death of people telling me I'm a

survivor, that I'm strong and independent and capable and

competant,...smart, tough and wise beyond my years. When did cliches

become comforting? That's just a load of crap. Why are those the

standard lines? Who in their right mind would try to console a KO with

being a survivor? What else COULD we do?? Yes, I'm right there with

you. I'm angry about having something to have survived.

Kindest regards to all,

Mercy

>

> She tells me I'm a " survivor " and

> should be proud of that. I'm not. That may sound great to some, but I

> don't want to be a " survivor " . I'm angry that I had to survive

> anything.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, he does. He sang to me " Fire and Rain " and I married him.

abby_doo wrote: Does he have a brother?

> > > >

> > > > It's the same for me.

> > > >

> > > > I could feel my own void expanding and contracting as I read

> your

> > > posts

> > > > Lynnette, Katrina, Abby. We need to talk some more about

> this....

> > > what will

> > > > it take to get centered, to get happy, to feel satisfaction?

> > > >

> > > > I think sometimes " why am I killing myself working on this

PhD

> > and

> > > raising a

> > > > kid and trying to be the perfect wife/sister/daughter " ? Am I

> > going

> > > to be any

> > > > happier than if I gave up on one or two of these things? It

> would

> > > be easier

> > > > to give up, be " average " . It's like we're trying to overcome

> our

> > > BPD-given

> > > > feelings of inadequacy anyway we can, whether or not it makes

> > > sense for us,

> > > > because we have no idea what makes sense for us, because we

> don't

> > > know who

> > > > we are!

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

> So, what makes us keep going?

I think conditioning. I liken it to military training. If you

practice stabbing the dummy with the bayonet long enough, then when

the real enemy is running at you, you just poke him without

thinking. It's automatic. That's what I feel when I'm in a human

dynamic where someone is not comfortable with their power and they

put it on me. I just pick it up and run with it, unless I'm paying

close attention to what is triggering my problem solving trigger;

then I put their power back over to them and move forward without

making the situation 'right'.

> You were a life coach?

I still am. My first coaching began in high school. My therapist

tells me that as a result of living with a master manipulator of

people, I have become a master of human dynamics. Fortunately, I

have an internal moral compass, and a great example of pure evil in

the form of my nada to show me what not to do to people. I have been

coaching/informally counseling people my entire life. It comes with

the territory. When I started my financial practice I decided to

reduce the life coaching time significantly. Now I deal with human

dynamics as it relates to money and survival.

> When I finally burned out and moved to another field, I shot up on

> my own thought of what the field should be... and found people

> willing to shoot their stars with mine... it's paid off but

> honestly... I never realized that OTHER PEOPLE don't live like

> this. I just didn't hear " no " as an impactful statement (similar,

> yes?)... I just thought it was pesky.

Other people definitely don't live like this. As I've progressed in

reducing my hypervigilance I have noticed that I'm not on top of

things like I used to be. I had a friend tell me once that the only

people he knew that were as committed to task as I was were fictional.

It creates a problem for me in that I can forget that my conditioning

has put me in a different frame of thinking and acting than most

people I meet. I have a bad tendency to hold them all to my own

impossible standards, and then get contemptuous at them for their

lack of commitment. I'm working on that one constantly.

I'm really glad I joined this forum. You all have been very

supportive and insightful. Sharing these things with you has been

cathartic.

Peace & Strength,

Parentified

>

>

> >

> > Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list. You

all

> > hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going

> through

> > what you all described with such intensity right now that I

joined

> > this board.

> >

> > I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers.

> Disordered

> > father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life, from

as

> > early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

> >

> > I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees, &

> > certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn to

> for

> > counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens and

> gives

> > support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional gas

> tank

> > is dry.

> >

> > I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My own

> nada

> > rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no' matter

> to

> > me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days ago,

I

> > went out to make some introductory business calls and went into

> > complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

> >

> > I have given love, support, and guidance to so many people, that

> I'm

> > all out right now. I feel not only that I don't have anything

> left

> > to give, but that I don't even know who the hell I really am,

> since I

> > just stayed in the same parentified role regardless of the

> > situation. Now I just want to crawl in a hole and die. If it

> > weren't for the pain that would cause my beloved fiancee and

close

> > friends, that's probably what I'd do.

> >

> > Reading your posts, ladies, I am sad and glad to say that we're

> not

> > alone.

> >

> > According to my therapist, I am only one of three patients he's

> > treated in over 30 years that managed to come through the other

> side

> > of severe childhood trauma and still have their core self

intact.

> > Yes I still trust, and love, and have self-awareness; but who

that

> > self *really* is has become acutely in question.

> >

> > As a man, much of my self concept has been determined by my

> > productivity. In my practice, productivity doesn't always stay

> > consistent or manifest itself according to my preferred

timeline.

> As

> > a result, I find my self-worth bashed to hell and gone when a

> > transaction doesn't complete, or a client changes their course.

> >

> > I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should never

> attach

> > their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well, I've

> done

> > exactly that. And I don't know why.

> >

> > I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness' is

> without

> > external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or

> burgers,

> > but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> > emotional terrorism?'

> >

> > Thanks for sharing. This dialogue is very helpful to me, and I

> hope

> > the reverse is true.

> >

> > Warm regards,

> >

> > Parentified

> >

>

[Guest guest]

this dialog is very helpful to me. i'm the oldest daughter of a bpd

mom, but through a strange series of events, my gender was basically

reassigned after my parents divorced. my mom started treating me like

i was her ex-husband, and i'd be damned if i was going to identify

with someone who thought i was a piece of crap, so i feel like a guy.

now don't get me wrong, i am attracted to men, but i've got a raging

misogynistic streak that i've only started to work on in the last 3

years.

due to basically flipping gender (and during puberty no less...DAMN

YOU, UTERUS!!!), i have had a really hard time identifying with women.

i was very much judged by the ability to remain emotionally detached,

my accomplishments, my technical and fix-it know-how, my scrappy

underdog demeanor, even how physically strong i was. in high school,

my guy friends would actually engage me in silly " who can attract the

most girls " competitions, and even stranger, sometimes i would win.

my friends don't come to me when they want emotional comfort. they

come to me for solutions. i fix problems. i don't do emotions. i am

the objective, level-headed, always ready for an argument human of my

circle of humans.

the good thing about all this is that i don't think that there's

anything wrong with this. i'm very comfortable in my roll of

dude-esque female. but i personally have had to move away from some

of the things i used to use to define myself.

1) i had to stop myself in fights (basically, i would turn anything

into a vehicle to show off my abilities to put people down). i used

to be sarcastic and go to the nth degree to prove a point. i don't do

that anymore. i am pleased to say that i have a husband who is

possibly the sweetest human i have ever met and he really tempers my

urge to be mean. honestly, MEAN was the way i survived for a decade.

i'm just fortunate that he met me before (or right at the moment)

that all this started, so he was kind of the only person who knew the

real me in middle school and high school.

2) i had to stop judging myself by accomplishments, so i moved to

defining myself along the lines of integrity, character, honesty, you

know, that sort of thing. when i started doing this, it took care of

a lot of the residuals from the stuff i mentioned in #1.

i am happy to say that i have escaped the parentified sibling orbit.

part of this was because it was forced upon me (mom got jealous of my

relationship with youngest sister, accused me of sexually molesting

her...) and part of it was cultivated to reestablish a relationship

with said sister upon moving out. i took an interest in her interests

and it feels like we shaved a good 15 yrs off our interactions with

each other. i also feel younger, less responsible for other people,

that sort of thing, much closer to my age of 26 than ever before.

i'm finally dealing with my misogyny as well. not all women are like

my mother. my mom-in-law has really helped here. she's a normal mom!

she's so freaking NORMAL! NORMAL WOMEN EXIST! i'm so glad!!!

bink

>

> Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list. You all

> hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going through

> what you all described with such intensity right now that I joined

> this board.

>

> I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers. Disordered

> father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life, from as

> early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

>

> I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees, &

> certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn to for

> counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens and gives

> support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional gas tank

> is dry.

>

> I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My own nada

> rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no' matter to

> me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days ago, I

> went out to make some introductory business calls and went into

> complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

>

> I have given love, support, and guidance to so many people, that I'm

> all out right now. I feel not only that I don't have anything left

> to give, but that I don't even know who the hell I really am, since I

> just stayed in the same parentified role regardless of the

> situation. Now I just want to crawl in a hole and die. If it

> weren't for the pain that would cause my beloved fiancee and close

> friends, that's probably what I'd do.

>

> Reading your posts, ladies, I am sad and glad to say that we're not

> alone.

>

> According to my therapist, I am only one of three patients he's

> treated in over 30 years that managed to come through the other side

> of severe childhood trauma and still have their core self intact.

> Yes I still trust, and love, and have self-awareness; but who that

> self *really* is has become acutely in question.

>

> As a man, much of my self concept has been determined by my

> productivity. In my practice, productivity doesn't always stay

> consistent or manifest itself according to my preferred timeline. As

> a result, I find my self-worth bashed to hell and gone when a

> transaction doesn't complete, or a client changes their course.

>

> I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should never attach

> their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well, I've done

> exactly that. And I don't know why.

>

> I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness' is without

> external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or burgers,

> but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> emotional terrorism?'

>

> Thanks for sharing. This dialogue is very helpful to me, and I hope

> the reverse is true.

>

> Warm regards,

>

> Parentified

>

[Guest guest]

Add one more to the list, I have been in leadership roles for 35 years

and always in jobs that are selfless and full of adreniline in human

services. Right now I am in a position of supervising teachers and of

being the liason between public schools and our Head Start

collaboratives accountable to 3 different licensures. Talk about

being put in the scape goat role Yikes. They tell me I do the job

extremely well and find my much honed articulation skills a real gift

here and it is the element of the job for me to constantly be put in

the middle and have everthing thrown my way. Someone has to do it. I

have a pretty strong coat of armour but this fall I completely fell

apart. Couldn't even make full sentences. Thank God I have a

supportive supervisor that knows how to keep quiet and helped me

through the more intense stages of this what ever it is I guess I

would say it's a paradigm shift. I also had the help of a terriffic

very skilled therapist. I am definitly coming to the decision that

for this kind of muti-tasking, vampire draining job I am done and

can't be in the role of scape goat anymore. I am getting laid off in

8 weeks for the summer and am seriously considering not coming back.

The job it self is great and if I wasn't coming to it with this one

core piece I would probably stay there forever. People are always

praising me which I hate and saying thank God you were here. Blah,

blah, The question is what shall I do??? My dream is to just find a

Starbucks and let my hypervigilant perfectionism go crazy. Man I

would be great perfect Lattes everytime, Shiny stainless steel,

perfectly arranged lids and wiped down creamers, and then at the end

of the shift I go home with out any baggage. I could even handle the

narcs, and BPDs as it would be quick intervention then out the dorr

with ya see ya tomarrow. My therapist the other day said he centers

himself and breathes deeply to get through the doubt and I thought

well hell where did ya find the center and what does it feel like to

actually get oxygen when you breathe in. Hmmmm

Also parentified I started a thread a few weeks ago about who am I if

not Nada you might like to look at that there where some great

insights that helped me.

Suebee

>

> Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list. You all

> hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going through

> what you all described with such intensity right now that I joined

> this board.

>

> I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers. Disordered

> father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life, from as

> early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

>

> I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees, &

> certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn to for

> counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens and gives

> support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional gas tank

> is dry.

>

> I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My own nada

> rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no' matter to

> me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days ago, I

> went out to make some introductory business calls and went into

> complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

>

> I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should never attach

> their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well, I've done

> exactly that. And I don't know why.

>

> I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness' is without

> external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or burgers,

> but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> emotional terrorism?'

>

>

> Warm regards,

>

> Parentified

>

[Guest guest]

SueBee,

After I got my masters and worked in the human services/advocacy field for a

few years with no satisfaction, I worked at a really cool grocery store (not

a big chain). I stayed there for almost two years... but they were pushing

me into management and full-time/over-time so I left. While I was there, and

before they noticed that I was much smarter and more thorough than the

average joe, it was such a relief to not be ambitious for a while!

Eventually you get bored, intellectually. But why not do it for a while if

you can afford living on $8/hour?!

Oxygen? What's that? You mean when I breathe in my lungs are actually

supposed to fill up with this stuff?

--Sid

On Fri, Apr 25, 2008 at 5:23 AM, overtheborder1st <

overtheborder1st@...> wrote:

> My dream is to just find a

> Starbucks and let my hypervigilant perfectionism go crazy. Man I

> would be great perfect Lattes everytime, Shiny stainless steel,

> perfectly arranged lids and wiped down creamers, and then at the end

> of the shift I go home with out any baggage. I could even handle the

> narcs, and BPDs as it would be quick intervention then out the dorr

> with ya see ya tomarrow. My therapist the other day said he centers

> himself and breathes deeply to get through the doubt and I thought

> well hell where did ya find the center and what does it feel like to

> actually get oxygen when you breathe in. Hmmmm

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Bink,

I totally connect on a few things you said.

I had to be Father and Mother in our house, because what my 'parents'

did was hand me the reigns at the age of 10.

They had a special meeting with me, wherein they sat there and told

me that I was mature enough to handle adult decisions and that they

would be giving me more responsibilities to match.

That turned into me being hyper parentified and enmeshed with both of

them. They sacrificed what little childhood I had left for their own

goddamned convenience.

As a result, I had to embody healthy male and female traits as much

as I could estimate them to be. And I too hated women. It wasn't

until I moved to Australia in my 19th year that I began to see that

not all women were like nada.

Today I absolutely prefer the company of women over men. The

immature male pisses me off, primarily because of the beatings I

suffered at their hands in my early teens.

I'm involved with our local women & childrens shelter, am active in a

women's business/charity group, and prefer to do business with women

over men. Can you believe it? I've come a looong way from my teen

years.

I'm not a 'handy man' type guy. I do a multiplicity of domestic

chores and pull my weight around the house. My sweethart is my

partner, not my domestic slave, as I was raised to be.

My therapist told me that I have a lot of feminine energy. Not

affectation or anything non-masculine in my manner, just a helluva

lot more emotional connection than most 'Joe Sixpack' type men

exhibit.

In a weird way, it has made me more balanced in my male/female

anima/animus mix than I would have imagined.

I'm glad to hear that you realize not all women are like your nada.

P

[Guest guest]

Thanks Suebee. It sounds like you hit the same Empty spot on your

emotional gas tank that we've been talking about.

Your question to your therapist reminds me of what I said to mine

when he asked how my 'inner child' work went. I said, " First tell me

your fondest memory of your time in the Russian ballet. "

He looked puzzled and said, " I was never in the Russian ballet " . To

which I replied, " I was never a child. " I couldn't remember what it

was like to be a kid. With no point of reference, we had to readjust

the exercises to find somethings that would appproximate the same

effect, but were more relevant.

The whole, breathing, centered, thing is fine, but like you said,

where the hell do you find the center? It's like someone stole your

bike...its just not there, but you know it should be.

P

> >

> > Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list. You

all

> > hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going

through

> > what you all described with such intensity right now that I

joined

> > this board.

> >

> > I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers.

Disordered

> > father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life, from

as

> > early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

> >

> > I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees, &

> > certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn to

for

> > counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens and

gives

> > support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional gas

tank

> > is dry.

> >

> > I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My own

nada

> > rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no' matter

to

> > me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days ago,

I

> > went out to make some introductory business calls and went into

> > complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

> >

> > I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should never

attach

> > their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well, I've

done

> > exactly that. And I don't know why.

> >

> > I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness' is

without

> > external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or

burgers,

> > but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> > emotional terrorism?'

> >

> >

> > Warm regards,

> >

> > Parentified

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" I was never a child " ... sniff, sniff.

Isn't that the cry of this entire board...?

I have to constantly tell myself, when my son is being CHILDLIKE

(and my head starts to spin), he's a child... he's a child... he's a

child... one who has the RIGHT to be childlike, think like a child,

have experiences of childhood... I refuse to take that away from

him.

The buck stops here.

But my little girl wants to be a child too...

> > >

> > > Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list. You

> all

> > > hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going

> through

> > > what you all described with such intensity right now that I

> joined

> > > this board.

> > >

> > > I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers.

> Disordered

> > > father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life,

from

> as

> > > early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

> > >

> > > I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees, &

> > > certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn

to

> for

> > > counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens and

> gives

> > > support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional

gas

> tank

> > > is dry.

> > >

> > > I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My

own

> nada

> > > rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no'

matter

> to

> > > me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days

ago,

> I

> > > went out to make some introductory business calls and went

into

> > > complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

> > >

> > > I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should never

> attach

> > > their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well, I've

> done

> > > exactly that. And I don't know why.

> > >

> > > I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness' is

> without

> > > external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or

> burgers,

> > > but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> > > emotional terrorism?'

> > >

> > >

> > > Warm regards,

> > >

> > > Parentified

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know about anyone else on this board but my inner child is pretty close

under the skin for me. I may not have had much of a child hood then, doesn't

mean I can't take her out for an ice cream whenever she damn well wants it now.

I am a mother to my son and try to be the best mother I can be to that little

girl who never really had a chance with a family that should have given a damn

about her in the first place but really couldn't. It is a matter of perspective

for me. I can't make up for lost time, I can make the best of the time I have

control over now. Hope that makes sense.

Re: A big case of the " What am I's " coming on...

" I was never a child " ... sniff, sniff.

Isn't that the cry of this entire board...?

I have to constantly tell myself, when my son is being CHILDLIKE

(and my head starts to spin), he's a child... he's a child... he's a

child... one who has the RIGHT to be childlike, think like a child,

have experiences of childhood... I refuse to take that away from

him.

The buck stops here.

But my little girl wants to be a child too...

> > >

> > > Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list. You

> all

> > > hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going

> through

> > > what you all described with such intensity right now that I

> joined

> > > this board.

> > >

> > > I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers.

> Disordered

> > > father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life,

from

> as

> > > early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

> > >

> > > I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees, &

> > > certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn

to

> for

> > > counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens and

> gives

> > > support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional

gas

> tank

> > > is dry.

> > >

> > > I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My

own

> nada

> > > rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no'

matter

> to

> > > me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days

ago,

> I

> > > went out to make some introductory business calls and went

into

> > > complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

> > >

> > > I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should never

> attach

> > > their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well, I've

> done

> > > exactly that. And I don't know why.

> > >

> > > I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness' is

> without

> > > external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or

> burgers,

> > > but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> > > emotional terrorism?'

> > >

> > >

> > > Warm regards,

> > >

> > > Parentified

> > >

> >

>

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[Guest guest]

Parentified,

Wow, I don't ever remember being a carefree child either. I remember running

back and

forth between my parents negotiating peace talks as young as five. I remember

helping

raise my brother from the time I was almost ten. I remember being nada's

" helper " for

the in home daycare that she started when I was ten and taking over that

business when I

was 16. I remember always feeling like I had to be the enforcer of rules (I

still struggle

with this one) when there was no one else to keep order.

I took some advanced training that included some time spent finding your center.

We did

this very cool exercise that involved standing with your eyes closed and leaning

too far

forward, back, left and right and letting your body settle into that place where

it was not

too far in any direction. It was a fascinating experience.

I have gotten so much out of this thread. I have spent the last year almost

really

struggling. Losing my focus and motivation to do anything. It is like I know

what works

and what will make me feel better but I just cannot seem to move and take action

on it. I

have quit working and have just a few private clients that I can see at my

house. I make

just enough money to pay my bills and I have no desire to do more. I fantasize

about that

completely responsibility free job that I can leave at work or better yet the

LOttery. (LOL

would actually have to buy a ticket for that to work)

I guess what I am saying is I GET WHAT ALL OF YOU ARE SAYING. Thanks to you all

for

sharing.

Carla

> > >

> > > Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list. You

> all

> > > hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going

> through

> > > what you all described with such intensity right now that I

> joined

> > > this board.

> > >

> > > I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers.

> Disordered

> > > father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life, from

> as

> > > early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

> > >

> > > I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees, &

> > > certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn to

> for

> > > counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens and

> gives

> > > support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional gas

> tank

> > > is dry.

> > >

> > > I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My own

> nada

> > > rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no' matter

> to

> > > me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days ago,

> I

> > > went out to make some introductory business calls and went into

> > > complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

> > >

> > > I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should never

> attach

> > > their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well, I've

> done

> > > exactly that. And I don't know why.

> > >

> > > I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness' is

> without

> > > external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or

> burgers,

> > > but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> > > emotional terrorism?'

> > >

> > >

> > > Warm regards,

> > >

> > > Parentified

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I must admit, when I started this thread, I was scared to death

to 'put it out there'.

Still worrying that I was the freak. Still worrying that I somehow

had 'missed the boat' on " cores " and I would forever be the only

overachiever in the room with feelings of fraud. I still do (very,

very hard for me to take compliments to heart). I'm working on it

because I know it's important for other people to feel acknowledged

when they praise someone... maybe someday I'll see it at 'me' that

they're talking about.

I'm just glad to find, by looking at the responses below, that I am

no alone.

Thank you to everyone who is being brave with me. We all get gold

stars today...

Lynnette

> > > >

> > > > Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list.

You

> > all

> > > > hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going

> > through

> > > > what you all described with such intensity right now that I

> > joined

> > > > this board.

> > > >

> > > > I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers.

> > Disordered

> > > > father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life,

from

> > as

> > > > early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

> > > >

> > > > I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees,

&

> > > > certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others turn

to

> > for

> > > > counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens

and

> > gives

> > > > support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My emotional

gas

> > tank

> > > > is dry.

> > > >

> > > > I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My

own

> > nada

> > > > rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no'

matter

> > to

> > > > me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days

ago,

> > I

> > > > went out to make some introductory business calls and went

into

> > > > complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

> > > >

> > > > I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should

never

> > attach

> > > > their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well,

I've

> > done

> > > > exactly that. And I don't know why.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness'

is

> > without

> > > > external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza or

> > burgers,

> > > > but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home

of

> > > > emotional terrorism?'

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Warm regards,

> > > >

> > > > Parentified

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Parentified and Lynette are ringing a lot of bells for me...

P wrote

It's not about whether I like pizza or burgers,

> but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> emotional terrorism?'

That's the $64,000 question isn't it? I graduated at the top of my

class a year early, genius territory, and was on track for " great

things " - whatever those are. I had run the advanced biology lab for

2 years, math whiz, etc. When my parents split Nada moved us 3x my

junior year in high school & basically did everything in her power to

destroy my record of academic success. (Including not letting me

have a bedroom, or share a bedroom with my younger brother who DID

have a bedroom & even 2 beds), so my senior year I had no privacy or

quiet whatsoever for study or sleep.) She & fada both refused to

submit FAFSA info & because I was just barely 17, and not a legal

adult, there could be no college without their cooperation and

permission. I couldn't own or drive a car, rent an apartment, etc.

without them. I had scholarship offers all over but there was no way

to do it then without at least one parent.

So the last 6 mos. NC I've been trying to remember who I was when I

was still " on the track " and sort it out from there. I don't think I

even liked biology; but it was difficult & demanding & everyone

thought I was really smart when I excelled at it so I went at it

whole-hog to get approval from strangers that should have come from

my parents. It's more than a matter of hamburgers/hotdogs, it's

trying to find out what my gifts truly are and how I might still

fulfill some of my " lost " potential with the half a life I have

left.

What Lynette said

Otherwise the void will always manifest

itself--on the horizon, in my fear of losing loved ones, at the end

of a challenging project, as a big nothing that threatens to

annihilate me.

is also very familiar. I have always had a lot of unfinished

projects & couldn't figure out why. Reading what was written, I

think that, due to the core emptiness several have described, I

BECOME the project because it's an easy disguise to slip into when

you're masquerading as someone with a real life. Which I was never

allowed to have under Nada's thumb.

Also in another thread on hypervigilance someone wrote about needing

to sit with his/her back to the wall. This is me too. I just wish

it wasn't.

Thanks all. I know I sound (and feel) blue, musing on all this - but

it is helping. I hope I'm not bringing anyone down!!

[Guest guest]

This is a great topic. I feel for the longest time my roles in my

life, did define who I am. I think that somehow connects us to our

worth. Which sucks....for that is a direct thing from my childhood.

My worth was based on how well I performed my roles to others, but

never myself. I am presently reading a lot of books on finding my

authentic self. I see I just keep finding layers upon layer of

garbage to find the real me.

Such good insights on this topic.

Malinda

>

> I have a 5 page resume.

> I have many degree's (the current 'working on' is a Doctorate).

> I have authored many articles and assisted on many books.

>

> My " titles " include: mother, daughter, friend, lover, business

> owner, creater, researcher, academic and visionary.

>

> I can tell you all what I do by the product I produce and " Who I

am "

> in terms of the roles I play in relation to other people...

>

> I can even tell you all the personality traits I work by because

> they're easily defined.

>

> But in the wee morning hourse, long after the roles are exhausted,

> the duties performed and the 'list' is all crossed off, I don't

> know " What I am " .

>

> I feel that I am missing some core piece from which to work outward

> from. While my matrix web is huge, inter-locking and wide

> spreading... the core is strangely absent. It's almost like a

> spider that wove inward in an attempt to create the solid

foundation

> from which to operate... I feel like I've done this whole " life

> thing so far " backwards. That maybe by 'doing' these things, above

> and beyond and exceptionally well, I'll be able to find, and

create,

> that center.

>

> Lynnette - struggling today.

>

[Guest guest]

hey, that's weird. in high school, " my " room was the computer room,

which everyone used and i didn't have a bed. had to sleep on the

couch for 4 years, which was pretty lame.

bink

>

> Parentified and Lynette are ringing a lot of bells for me...

>

> P wrote

> It's not about whether I like pizza or burgers,

> > but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home of

> > emotional terrorism?'

>

> That's the $64,000 question isn't it? I graduated at the top of my

> class a year early, genius territory, and was on track for " great

> things " - whatever those are. I had run the advanced biology lab for

> 2 years, math whiz, etc. When my parents split Nada moved us 3x my

> junior year in high school & basically did everything in her power to

> destroy my record of academic success. (Including not letting me

> have a bedroom, or share a bedroom with my younger brother who DID

> have a bedroom & even 2 beds), so my senior year I had no privacy or

> quiet whatsoever for study or sleep.) She & fada both refused to

> submit FAFSA info & because I was just barely 17, and not a legal

> adult, there could be no college without their cooperation and

> permission. I couldn't own or drive a car, rent an apartment, etc.

> without them. I had scholarship offers all over but there was no way

> to do it then without at least one parent.

>

> So the last 6 mos. NC I've been trying to remember who I was when I

> was still " on the track " and sort it out from there. I don't think I

> even liked biology; but it was difficult & demanding & everyone

> thought I was really smart when I excelled at it so I went at it

> whole-hog to get approval from strangers that should have come from

> my parents. It's more than a matter of hamburgers/hotdogs, it's

> trying to find out what my gifts truly are and how I might still

> fulfill some of my " lost " potential with the half a life I have

> left.

>

> What Lynette said

> Otherwise the void will always manifest

> itself--on the horizon, in my fear of losing loved ones, at the end

> of a challenging project, as a big nothing that threatens to

> annihilate me.

>

> is also very familiar. I have always had a lot of unfinished

> projects & couldn't figure out why. Reading what was written, I

> think that, due to the core emptiness several have described, I

> BECOME the project because it's an easy disguise to slip into when

> you're masquerading as someone with a real life. Which I was never

> allowed to have under Nada's thumb.

>

> Also in another thread on hypervigilance someone wrote about needing

> to sit with his/her back to the wall. This is me too. I just wish

> it wasn't.

>

> Thanks all. I know I sound (and feel) blue, musing on all this - but

> it is helping. I hope I'm not bringing anyone down!!

>

>

>