Re: A big case of the What am I's coming on...

[Guest guest]

Having 'fun' is one of the hardest things for me to do. I can joke,

and laugh, etc. but there is an undercurrent of sadness and sobriety

that can throw a wet blanket over the whole thing.

In high school I was voted 'most serious student' and they were

talking about my disposition, not my academics.

It sucks. I have a 'hurry up and have fun' attitude sometimes. Most

often I must have 'productive' fun.

P

[Guest guest]

ok since others are confessing I'll share this. Haven't shared it

with anyone. About 3 weeks ago my supervisor left a laminated reading

on my desk. When I read it I realized it was a beautifully written

testimony to my work and....a nomination for me for a big award in my

field. Oh my God!! I read it I started crying looked around to be

sure no one else saw it and hid the thing in my bottom drawer under a

bunch of paper. I felt dirty and unworthy and embarrassed. I haven't

looked at it or talked about it since. Oh such horrors. I did thank

my supervisor for the kind nomination.

Anyone else do something like this? I have been in my head about all

the different ways I will respectfully decline it if it is awarded to

me. Good greif???

Suebee

> >

> > Still worrying that I was the freak. Still worrying that I somehow

> > had 'missed the boat' on " cores " and I would forever be the only

> > overachiever in the room with feelings of fraud. I still do (very,

> > very hard for me to take compliments to heart). I'm working on it

> > because I know it's important for other people to feel acknowledged

> > when they praise someone... maybe someday I'll see it at 'me' that

> > they're talking about.

> >

>

> I'm catching up on posts...seems like there has been a flurry in the

> past 24 hours. But the " take compliments to heart " struck a chord.

> Some day I would just like to get to the point where I can receive a

> compliment and believe it without thinking the other person has some

> ulterior motive or the waiting for the world to come crashing down.

>

> Why is that so difficult? Why can't I accept praise that I genuinely

> deserve? Why the perpetual feeling of never feeling good enough

> despite all evidence to the contrary? What a rotten, horrible,

> crappy thing to take from someone that they are left feeling like

> they can't trust or believe anyone else! How do you treat a person

> so badly that they hardly know how to act when someone doesn't treat

> them like sh*t?

>

> We ARE good enough! We always were GOOD ENOUGH! We DESERVE to have

> good things happen to us! It should not be a shock to our system. I

> HATE THAT it IS!

>

> I think I've been beating myself up a little mentally in the past 48

> hours. My former boss made some remark to me about " life being too

> short " and he didn't understand how I could STILL not be speaking

> with my parents. Easy for someone with " normal " parents to say. But

> those of us with LIFE-SUCKING, JOY-STEALING VULTURES in our life feel

> differently!

>

> ARRRRR!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Sometimes I worry that it is just another way of avoidance for me. I

am also diagnosed with PTSD and have lately been wondering if I could

get rid of these damn triggers maybe the anxiety and the errors in

thinking would leave too and I could actually enjoy a job like I have

now. Is it avoidance?

Suebee

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Wow. Add one 38 year old male over-achiever to the list.

> > You

> > > > all

> > > > > > hit the nail on the head. In fact, it is because I'm going

> > > > through

> > > > > > what you all described with such intensity right now that I

> > > > joined

> > > > > > this board.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I'm the first born son of a BPD mother and Dependent Pers.

> > > > Disordered

> > > > > > father. I've been in leadership positions my entire life,

> > from

> > > > as

> > > > > > early as age 7 in Cub Scouts through to present day.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am a financial advisor and have lots of letters, degrees,

> > &

> > > > > > certifications behind my name. I am the guy who others

> turn

> > to

> > > > for

> > > > > > counsel or decisive action. I'm also the one that listens

> > and

> > > > gives

> > > > > > support when they need it. And I'm all empty. My

> emotional

> > gas

> > > > tank

> > > > > > is dry.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I used to be a fearless cold caller in the sales field. My

> > own

> > > > nada

> > > > > > rejected and hated me, why would someone else saying 'no'

> > matter

> > > > to

> > > > > > me at all? For years this has been the case. But two days

> > ago,

> > > > I

> > > > > > went out to make some introductory business calls and went

> > into

> > > > > > complete lockdown inside. I can't take one more 'no'.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I used to tell my Life Coaching clients that they should

> > never

> > > > attach

> > > > > > their self-worth to things that can be taken away. Well,

> > I've

> > > > done

> > > > > > exactly that. And I don't know why.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I don't know about all of you, but this sudden 'emptiness'

> > is

> > > > without

> > > > > > external attachment. It's not about whether I like pizza

> or

> > > > burgers,

> > > > > > but rather, 'who would I be had I not been raised in a home

> > of

> > > > > > emotional terrorism?'

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Warm regards,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Parentified

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ok, intervention time on self-respect (cause you know... If I say

it to you, maybe I'll hear it myself)...

Take out the nomination. Hook it to your fridge. Showcase it to

your 'little girl inside' like it's the best drawing she ever did.

Read it often.

But most of all - Do not NOT accept it!

Not only will this validate all your insecurities about yourself

but, on a pragmatic note (and sometimes that's what it takes) it

will make your boss and all those involved look like fools. Like

their judgment is moot. You may lose your job if they feel

discounted. Use that for motivation if you have to.

Meanwhile, you were nominated. Do a Sally Field, " You like me, you

really really like me " if you have to... say it in front of the

mirror a gazillion times... Just don't say it to anyone involved.

Yes, you're going to feel conflicted. You're going to feel like a

fraud. You're going to feel like you somehow conned and cheated

your way to this place. That's what our Nada's did to us.

Sometimes we don't have the appropriate feelings to things... that's

not 'us'... that's 'her'.

What you're going to do for yourself is smile graciously. Realize

you do something better than a lot of other people. Realize that by

harnessing and channeling your 'differences born by chaos' INTO/ONTO

something, you've made a difference in this world.

That, dear one, is why you have this nomination.

Breathe deep, smile and say, Thank you...

Lynnette (maybe someday these feelings will become real)

> > >

> > > Still worrying that I was the freak. Still worrying that I

somehow

> > > had 'missed the boat' on " cores " and I would forever be the

only

> > > overachiever in the room with feelings of fraud. I still do

(very,

> > > very hard for me to take compliments to heart). I'm working

on it

> > > because I know it's important for other people to feel

acknowledged

> > > when they praise someone... maybe someday I'll see it at 'me'

that

> > > they're talking about.

> > >

> >

> > I'm catching up on posts...seems like there has been a flurry in

the

> > past 24 hours. But the " take compliments to heart " struck a

chord.

> > Some day I would just like to get to the point where I can

receive a

> > compliment and believe it without thinking the other person has

some

> > ulterior motive or the waiting for the world to come crashing

down.

> >

> > Why is that so difficult? Why can't I accept praise that I

genuinely

> > deserve? Why the perpetual feeling of never feeling good enough

> > despite all evidence to the contrary? What a rotten, horrible,

> > crappy thing to take from someone that they are left feeling

like

> > they can't trust or believe anyone else! How do you treat a

person

> > so badly that they hardly know how to act when someone doesn't

treat

> > them like sh*t?

> >

> > We ARE good enough! We always were GOOD ENOUGH! We DESERVE to

have

> > good things happen to us! It should not be a shock to our

system. I

> > HATE THAT it IS!

> >

> > I think I've been beating myself up a little mentally in the

past 48

> > hours. My former boss made some remark to me about " life being

too

> > short " and he didn't understand how I could STILL not be

speaking

> > with my parents. Easy for someone with " normal " parents to

say. But

> > those of us with LIFE-SUCKING, JOY-STEALING VULTURES in our life

feel

> > differently!

> >

> > ARRRRR!!!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, Suebee really interesting post. You deserve it and I hope you enjoy it.

I wanted to respond because i also have a very very hard time with praise -

the description of feeling dirty is pretty well spot on. Thank you for

putting it in words. So, why is that true? I have no idea. I do remember her

tearing me down or upstaging me at every accomplishment. . . but feeling

dirty seems like an extreme respose.

thanks gs

>

> Ok, intervention time on self-respect (cause you know... If I say

> it to you, maybe I'll hear it myself)...

>

> Take out the nomination. Hook it to your fridge. Showcase it to

> your 'little girl inside' like it's the best drawing she ever did.

> Read it often.

>

> But most of all - Do not NOT accept it!

>

> Not only will this validate all your insecurities about yourself

> but, on a pragmatic note (and sometimes that's what it takes) it

> will make your boss and all those involved look like fools. Like

> their judgment is moot. You may lose your job if they feel

> discounted. Use that for motivation if you have to.

>

> Meanwhile, you were nominated. Do a Sally Field, " You like me, you

> really really like me " if you have to... say it in front of the

> mirror a gazillion times... Just don't say it to anyone involved.

>

> Yes, you're going to feel conflicted. You're going to feel like a

> fraud. You're going to feel like you somehow conned and cheated

> your way to this place. That's what our Nada's did to us.

> Sometimes we don't have the appropriate feelings to things... that's

> not 'us'... that's 'her'.

>

> What you're going to do for yourself is smile graciously. Realize

> you do something better than a lot of other people. Realize that by

> harnessing and channeling your 'differences born by chaos' INTO/ONTO

> something, you've made a difference in this world.

>

> That, dear one, is why you have this nomination.

>

> Breathe deep, smile and say, Thank you...

>

> Lynnette (maybe someday these feelings will become real)

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Still worrying that I was the freak. Still worrying that I

> somehow

> > > > had 'missed the boat' on " cores " and I would forever be the

> only

> > > > overachiever in the room with feelings of fraud. I still do

> (very,

> > > > very hard for me to take compliments to heart). I'm working

> on it

> > > > because I know it's important for other people to feel

> acknowledged

> > > > when they praise someone... maybe someday I'll see it at 'me'

> that

> > > > they're talking about.

> > > >

> > >

> > > I'm catching up on posts...seems like there has been a flurry in

> the

> > > past 24 hours. But the " take compliments to heart " struck a

> chord.

> > > Some day I would just like to get to the point where I can

> receive a

> > > compliment and believe it without thinking the other person has

> some

> > > ulterior motive or the waiting for the world to come crashing

> down.

> > >

> > > Why is that so difficult? Why can't I accept praise that I

> genuinely

> > > deserve? Why the perpetual feeling of never feeling good enough

> > > despite all evidence to the contrary? What a rotten, horrible,

> > > crappy thing to take from someone that they are left feeling

> like

> > > they can't trust or believe anyone else! How do you treat a

> person

> > > so badly that they hardly know how to act when someone doesn't

> treat

> > > them like sh*t?

> > >

> > > We ARE good enough! We always were GOOD ENOUGH! We DESERVE to

> have

> > > good things happen to us! It should not be a shock to our

> system. I

> > > HATE THAT it IS!

> > >

> > > I think I've been beating myself up a little mentally in the

> past 48

> > > hours. My former boss made some remark to me about " life being

> too

> > > short " and he didn't understand how I could STILL not be

> speaking

> > > with my parents. Easy for someone with " normal " parents to

> say. But

> > > those of us with LIFE-SUCKING, JOY-STEALING VULTURES in our life

> feel

> > > differently!

> > >

> > > ARRRRR!!!!

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

He has another brother, and he sang " My Cup Runneth Over With Love " ,

an old showtune from the musical " I Do! I Do! " - and I married him.

> >

> > " Precious " ...

> > His reply made me trust him...

> > " Precious? Done... " .

> > Then he sang to me, " Fly Me to the Moon " and I wept.

> >

[Guest guest]

>

> Oh my God!! I read it I started crying looked around to be

> sure no one else saw it and hid the thing in my bottom drawer under

a

> bunch of paper. I felt dirty and unworthy and embarrassed. I

haven't

> looked at it or talked about it since. Oh such horrors. I did thank

> my supervisor for the kind nomination.

> Anyone else do something like this? I have been in my head about

all

> the different ways I will respectfully decline it if it is awarded

to

> me. Good greif???

> Suebee

>

Suebee-

I almost cried at work last October when my boss gave me my

review...it was positively glowing. I thanked her and she looked

almost surprised and said, " Well every word of it is true. " Although

I managed to hold it together at work for the rest of the day, I

cried all the way home and I mean ALL the way home. At the time, I

felt alot of things. Stupid...for not being confident enough in

myself that I was " surprised " by a good review. Hurt...on some level

because the people I want praise from most (aka Nada and Fada) give

me nothing but criticism. Grief...I was NC with my parents and so

calling them with the good news was out of the question...not that

they ever really have anything positive to say even with good news.

Last time I told Nada about a bonus I received her comment

was, " Oh...I guess they like you. " What? They " like " me?

Probably...unlike Nada who treats me like she doesn't like me!

I can totally relate to feeling unworthy. It's been getting slightly

better lately. Honestly, I think it comes from being NC longer. I

don't have the periodic dose of negativity to suck me back into that

pit. It's still a struggle...but I do have brief moments where I can

lose the anxiety and believe I am competent. Notice I say

competent...not excellent...baby steps!

JJFan

[Guest guest]

jjfan, good post. i too feel i am getting better with being nc. keep

reminding me of that, lets drum it into each others heads - nc is a great

choice.

one thing i haven't talked about much though is that i finally have a job

where i feel well, precious. i work at a small business doing creative work

and the people i work with are my good friends and all good people who i

feel comfortable being with. my past work has all been in government and

lots and lots of abusive people there. i left government work one day for

good about 18 months ago after being generally and sexually harassed. I just

went home and thought, well, that was my last day of this.

anyway, being in a job that i love where i am not attacked on a regular

basis has allowed me to heal so so so so much.

so, if you hate your job do anything you can to find a better place. take a

risk, i took a huge one and just walked away and didn't look back and i

landed miraculously in a better place. my dad had major work anxiety and

always told me i wouldn't be able to hold a job, would be fired, had to go

to work with great fear - and now i know that isn't true at all. I can work

in a place where i can excel and - most miraculous of all - i can ask for

what i need there and if i am patient and consistent, they will give it to

me.

gs

>

>

> >

> > Oh my God!! I read it I started crying looked around to be

> > sure no one else saw it and hid the thing in my bottom drawer under

> a

> > bunch of paper. I felt dirty and unworthy and embarrassed. I

> haven't

> > looked at it or talked about it since. Oh such horrors. I did thank

> > my supervisor for the kind nomination.

> > Anyone else do something like this? I have been in my head about

> all

> > the different ways I will respectfully decline it if it is awarded

> to

> > me. Good greif???

> > Suebee

> >

>

> Suebee-

>

> I almost cried at work last October when my boss gave me my

> review...it was positively glowing. I thanked her and she looked

> almost surprised and said, " Well every word of it is true. " Although

> I managed to hold it together at work for the rest of the day, I

> cried all the way home and I mean ALL the way home. At the time, I

> felt alot of things. Stupid...for not being confident enough in

> myself that I was " surprised " by a good review. Hurt...on some level

> because the people I want praise from most (aka Nada and Fada) give

> me nothing but criticism. Grief...I was NC with my parents and so

> calling them with the good news was out of the question...not that

> they ever really have anything positive to say even with good news.

> Last time I told Nada about a bonus I received her comment

> was, " Oh...I guess they like you. " What? They " like " me?

> Probably...unlike Nada who treats me like she doesn't like me!

>

> I can totally relate to feeling unworthy. It's been getting slightly

> better lately. Honestly, I think it comes from being NC longer. I

> don't have the periodic dose of negativity to suck me back into that

> pit. It's still a struggle...but I do have brief moments where I can

> lose the anxiety and believe I am competent. Notice I say

> competent...not excellent...baby steps!

>

> JJFan

>

>

>