Locked out

[Guest guest]

I want to explain everything again. I am in a bad place. My thoughts are going

crazy, and they have made the usual trap. The last few days I have surfing the

web looking for descriptions for my condition, or maybe consolation.

I feel dependent, and I don't understand how I will act more independently. I

look at my friends and how I relate, and I see how I cultivate a passive

relationship with them. My dependence gives me problems. I am always searching

for a strong person to depend on, to see me, to like me. It makes me crazy.

Whenever I decide to do something independently, I stop out of fear, I just stop

dead in my tracks. I always expect therapists to fix me, and I don't know what

to do for myself. I'm so sick of it. These last days I have not been able to

concentrate or focus on anything else. My mind is a mess, and I have a feeling

of being abandoned.

I judge myself harshly, and others too. I am needy for attention, and want to be

seen, but I am not able to see others. I think these problems with dependence

are central to me. And I get depressed when I get confronted with them. I just

can't be assertive, it seems. I don't know my needs.

It takes up so much of my time, too. I have had lots of depressions through the

years, and the time between depressions seems to have been colored by struggling

with these dependency/avoidance issues. Striving for high goals, because I want

to be admired, because I don't have a feeling of being good enough. I never feel

good enough. And panicking/avoiding when I meet a situation that actually

activates these feelings of " not being good enough " .

I'll soon be 32 years old. I can't keep acting like a kid. But I do. Thinking

about the future scares me like hell. I get very ashamed when I think about how

" far behind " I am in life. I feel I " know nothing " about the world. Usual things

that other people discuss, just regular stuff seems to pass me by.

When I am not depressed I have this way of acting relaxed and cool, and I joke a

lot, and that attracts people. But I can't get closer, then they will see the

passive me, that just wants to hide. So I can never get to the point of a real

relationship, because I am afraid.

I have this experience when doing " get out of your mind " too. I can't " really "

do it, because fixing myself would mean " not getting help " , which means " not

being loved " , I guess.

I just feel powerless and helpless, and abandoned. I can't go out and meet

people, cause I only end up talking about this. Or blanking out. People are

really fed up with me now. And I get it, too.

Haakon