Re: the tug of war with the monster metaphor

[Guest guest]

The tug of war applies more directly to experience ...in the external world direct change is more possible.But the social world is a mixLet's say a person has treated you unfairly.

You are mad, you have angry thoughts, you ruminateabout the unfairness. There is a sense of struggle.Most often it helps to " drop the rope " with ruminative thoughts;

urges to escape or attack; feelings of sadness and hurt; and so on.But figuring out how to advance the relationship (or contain the harm ifan advance is not possible) is another matter. There active change efforts

may make much more senseSOMETIMES even that requires dropping the rope though.e.g., giving up that a person will ever like you; orappreciate you; etc

So target letting go to places in which control efforts are not paying off ...the metaphor is about acceptance and accepting situations is notwhat is usually called for; conversely,  accepting emotions / thoughts / history / etc

is a powerful place to beginDoes this help?- S C. Foundation ProfessorDepartment of Psychology /298

University of NevadaReno, NV 89557-0062 " Love isn't everything, it's the only thing " hayes@... or stevenchayes@...

Fax: Psych Department: Contextual Change (you can use this number for messages if need be):

Blogs: Psychology Today  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-out-your-mindHuffington Post  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-c-hayes-phd

If you want my vita, publications, PowerPoint slides, try my training page:  http://contextualpsychology.org/steve_hayesor you can try my website (it is semi-functional) stevenchayes.com

If you have any questions about ACT or RFT (articles, AAQ information etc), please first check the vast resources at website of the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS): www.contextualpsychology.org. You have to register on the site to download things, but the cost is up to your own values.

If you are a professional or student and want to be part of the world wide ACT discussion or RFT discussions, join the ACT list: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy/join

or the RFT list:http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/relationalframetheory/joinIf you are a member of the public reading ACT self-help books (e.g., " Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life " etc) and want to be part of that conversation go to: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join

 

Professor just mentioned the " tug of war with the monster metaphor " in his recent post.

As I understand this metaphor is used to describe the our inner conflicts with our thoughts and emotions.

Can this metaphor be helpfully used when we come across people who are not behaving with us nicely or fairly. Using this metaphor, can we refuse to pick up the rope and focus on our valued action?

Professor mentions on page 3 of " " Get out of your mind and into your life " : " What if they fought a war and nobody came! "

[Guest guest]

Dear Professor ,

Many thanks for your kind reply. Yes, it has greatly helped.

I think that I understand it now. First, one observes and accepts one's thoughts

and emotions about an event without getting entangled or struggling with them.

Then one listens to one's values, decides on an action and does it. The action

may be aimed to improve the relationship or situation, to reduce the harm to

oneself, or to accept the situation as unchangeable.

If my understanding it wrong, please correct me.

I am grateful to you for replying.

With kindest regards.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Professor just mentioned the " tug of war with the monster metaphor "

> > in his recent post.

> >

> > As I understand this metaphor is used to describe the our inner conflicts

> > with our thoughts and emotions.

> >

> > Can this metaphor be helpfully used when we come across people who are not

> > behaving with us nicely or fairly. Using this metaphor, can we refuse to

> > pick up the rope and focus on our valued action?

> >

> > Professor mentions on page 3 of " " Get out of your mind and into your

> > life " : " What if they fought a war and nobody came! "

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That seems right on to me- S C.

 

Dear Professor ,

Many thanks for your kind reply. Yes, it has greatly helped.

I think that I understand it now. First, one observes and accepts one's thoughts and emotions about an event without getting entangled or struggling with them. Then one listens to one's values, decides on an action and does it. The action may be aimed to improve the relationship or situation, to reduce the harm to oneself, or to accept the situation as unchangeable.

If my understanding it wrong, please correct me.

I am grateful to you for replying.

With kindest regards.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Professor just mentioned the " tug of war with the monster metaphor "

> > in his recent post.

> >

> > As I understand this metaphor is used to describe the our inner conflicts

> > with our thoughts and emotions.

> >

> > Can this metaphor be helpfully used when we come across people who are not

> > behaving with us nicely or fairly. Using this metaphor, can we refuse to

> > pick up the rope and focus on our valued action?

> >

> > Professor mentions on page 3 of " " Get out of your mind and into your

> > life " : " What if they fought a war and nobody came! "

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Professor ,

Many thanks for your reply.

With kindest regards.

> > >

> > > > **

> >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Professor just mentioned the " tug of war with the monster

> > metaphor "

> > > > in his recent post.

> > > >

> > > > As I understand this metaphor is used to describe the our inner

> > conflicts

> > > > with our thoughts and emotions.

> > > >

> > > > Can this metaphor be helpfully used when we come across people who are

> > not

> > > > behaving with us nicely or fairly. Using this metaphor, can we refuse

> > to

> > > > pick up the rope and focus on our valued action?

> > > >

> > > > Professor mentions on page 3 of " " Get out of your mind and into

> > your

> > > > life " : " What if they fought a war and nobody came! "

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This metaphor reminds me of the bad wolf/ good wolf story... There is a story

about a Navajo grandfather who once told his grandson, " Two wolves live inside

me. One is the bad wolf, full of greed and laziness, full of anger and jealousy

and regret. The other is the good wolf, full of joy and compassion and

willingness and a great love for the world. All the time, these wolves are

fighting inside me. " " But grandfather, " the boy said. " Which wolf will win? " The

grandfather answered, " The one I feed. "

For me, the " tug of war " is in my thinking > do this... no wait! do this...

I love to use drinking too much or eating too much... when I see that glass of

wine or I see that chocolate, I romance it and I struggle... do I eat it because

it is so wonderful or do I not eat it because good health is an important value?

I am new to this forum > nice discussion!

>

> Professor just mentioned the " tug of war with the monster metaphor " in

his recent post.

>

> As I understand this metaphor is used to describe the our inner conflicts with

our thoughts and emotions.

>

> Can this metaphor be helpfully used when we come across people who are not

behaving with us nicely or fairly. Using this metaphor, can we refuse to pick up

the rope and focus on our valued action?

>

> Professor mentions on page 3 of " " Get out of your mind and into your

life " : " What if they fought a war and nobody came! "

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Sharon. This is really meaningful. I feed the bad one all too much. --Phil From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of SharonSent: Thursday, August 16, 2012 8:17 PMTo: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: " the tug of war with the monster " metaphor This metaphor reminds me of the bad wolf/ good wolf story... There is a story about a Navajo grandfather who once told his grandson, " Two wolves live inside me. One is the bad wolf, full of greed and laziness, full of anger and jealousy and regret. The other is the good wolf, full of joy and compassion and willingness and a great love for the world. All the time, these wolves are fighting inside me. " " But grandfather, " the boy said. " Which wolf will win? " The grandfather answered, " The one I feed. " For me, the " tug of war " is in my thinking > do this... no wait! do this... I love to use drinking too much or eating too much... when I see that glass of wine or I see that chocolate, I romance it and I struggle... do I eat it because it is so wonderful or do I not eat it because good health is an important value?I am new to this forum > nice discussion!>> Professor just mentioned the " tug of war with the monster metaphor " in his recent post.> > As I understand this metaphor is used to describe the our inner conflicts with our thoughts and emotions.> > Can this metaphor be helpfully used when we come across people who are not behaving with us nicely or fairly. Using this metaphor, can we refuse to pick up the rope and focus on our valued action?> > Professor mentions on page 3 of " " Get out of your mind and into your life " : " What if they fought a war and nobody came! " >