Your wrong and I am right......

May 3, 2008

I want to cut to the chase, as they say. I am doing a weekend job for

with another teacher. We are viewing videos of severely and midly

disabled students performing specific educational tasks. Our job using

a rubic is to score the student on their performance on the task they

were ask to complete. We must come up with a mutual score.

So today here I sit in a cubicle with my partner viewing these

tapes. My partner is very sweet and at one point she says to me...just

have more confidence in yourself, and she repeated that comment at

least 4 more times. Why because one more time in my life and even with

a total stranger- my lack of self- confidence and self doubt just

shines through.

I know we must let go of our past, put this is my present moment

too. I lived in household were nada was ALWAYS right....and I was never

right. She would fight me to prove her point and to show me how

superior she was to me and my father. Seemed like she was like proud

she could knock you down with her facts and belittle your viewpoint.

She still does it today..... and it still seems like it brings her

pleasure.

So yes, today and everyday....I do doubt myself....the self-

confidence goes down and I worry that again- I am wrong and I will be

wrong when I am helping to score these tapes.

Anyone else have one of those moments when someone else sees the

effects on you of being raised by a BP?

Malinda

May 4, 2008

Hi Malinda,

Yes. My partner pointed out that every school report card I've ever

had, and all my annual job performance reviews, my teachers/bosses

have always said that I'm technically good but lacking in

confidence.

This has become a real problem for me in my current job. I started

a new job and a few months into it my boss realised I was not

succeeding at the tasks he was giving me to do. Which involved me

needing to get other people to complete a report. This is not a

position I've been in before. I'm great at doing work myself. But

in this case 1 other person didn't do the work, and I didn't take

any action except keep asking them for it. My boss had to step in

at the last minute and help get it done. He said to me " someone

with 10 years experience I expect should be capable of managing that

situation " , and " you need to lift your performance so the rest of

the team are not carrying you " . And then tries to motivate me (or

something) EVERY time he gives me a task by saying " it's important

to get this done quickly, you need to knock it over quickly " . So I

just feel like a failure, like I'm not good enough. He thinks it's

my (quiet, shy, unconfident) personality that is the problem. He

said to let him know if there was a course I wanted to do to improve

the situation " although that's difficult because there aren't any

courses on personality " . I am very motivated and want to do well.

I'm scared of dealing with people and of failing. (Although, when

the work doesn't get done of course that is failing in the work

place.) My therapist gave me some help in this area and my work

performance and confidence is a little better.

So yes, someone else sees the effects on me, but he has no idea that

it's not my personality but the fact that I was raised by a mother

with bpd that is the real cause. Growing up having my mother often

put me down (with criticism), arguing over the top of me whenever I

try to express a different (my own) opinion, being violent

(hitting), yelling - I generalised her behaviour to everyone

(because to a kid, mum is the world), and that's the cause of me now

being scared to interact with people, and fear of being not good

enough. I'm working to try to overcome this stuff, as we all are.

Hugs to us all.

P.Bear

>

> I want to cut to the chase, as they say. I am doing a weekend

job for

> with another teacher. We are viewing videos of severely and midly

> disabled students performing specific educational tasks. Our job

using

> a rubic is to score the student on their performance on the task

they

> were ask to complete. We must come up with a mutual score.

>

> So today here I sit in a cubicle with my partner viewing these

> tapes. My partner is very sweet and at one point she says to

me...just

> have more confidence in yourself, and she repeated that comment at

> least 4 more times. Why because one more time in my life and even

with

> a total stranger- my lack of self- confidence and self doubt just

> shines through.

>

> I know we must let go of our past, put this is my present

moment

> too. I lived in household were nada was ALWAYS right....and I was

never

> right. She would fight me to prove her point and to show me how

> superior she was to me and my father. Seemed like she was like

proud

> she could knock you down with her facts and belittle your

viewpoint.

> She still does it today..... and it still seems like it brings her

> pleasure.

>

> So yes, today and everyday....I do doubt myself....the self-

> confidence goes down and I worry that again- I am wrong and I will

be

> wrong when I am helping to score these tapes.

>

> Anyone else have one of those moments when someone else sees

the

> effects on you of being raised by a BP?

>

> Malinda

>

May 4, 2008

P.Bear,

Thank you for your response. I can so relate to what you were saying. I used

to be our dept.chair and I finally just didn't want the hassle of dealing with 7

other teachers. The paperwork being handed in on time and done correctly. I

didn't want to have to confront them.

I have been at this job for 25 years, ( dept chair- for 10yrs.) and I just

wanted to do less. I am on the downside of my career

You can build on these skills though, if you want to keep your position. It

did in some ways get easier, because I just was like enough. I think talking to

your therapist was a great idea. I also got to know each teacher's style, so I

knew what to expect and learned how to approach them. So keep working at it. it

helped me develop better management skills too.

It is hard to hear those critical tapes playing inside of us......being

raised by the BP does do such damage, and gives us much to overcome.

Good Luck,

Malinda

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: p_bear16@...: Sun, 4 May

2008 10:46:00 +0000Subject: Re: Your wrong and I am

right......

Hi Malinda, Yes. My partner pointed out that every school report card I've ever

had, and all my annual job performance reviews, my teachers/bosses have always

said that I'm technically good but lacking in confidence. This has become a real

problem for me in my current job. I started a new job and a few months into it

my boss realised I was not succeeding at the tasks he was giving me to do. Which

involved me needing to get other people to complete a report. This is not a

position I've been in before. I'm great at doing work myself. But in this case 1

other person didn't do the work, and I didn't take any action except keep asking

them for it. My boss had to step in at the last minute and help get it done. He

said to me " someone with 10 years experience I expect should be capable of

managing that situation " , and " you need to lift your performance so the rest of

the team are not carrying you " . And then tries to motivate me (or something)

EVERY time he gives me a task by saying " it's important to get this done

quickly, you need to knock it over quickly " . So I just feel like a failure, like

I'm not good enough. He thinks it's my (quiet, shy, unconfident) personality

that is the problem. He said to let him know if there was a course I wanted to

do to improve the situation " although that's difficult because there aren't any

courses on personality " . I am very motivated and want to do well. I'm scared of

dealing with people and of failing. (Although, when the work doesn't get done of

course that is failing in the work place.) My therapist gave me some help in

this area and my work performance and confidence is a little better. So yes,

someone else sees the effects on me, but he has no idea that it's not my

personality but the fact that I was raised by a mother with bpd that is the real

cause. Growing up having my mother often put me down (with criticism), arguing

over the top of me whenever I try to express a different (my own) opinion, being

violent (hitting), yelling - I generalised her behaviour to everyone (because to

a kid, mum is the world), and that's the cause of me now being scared to

interact with people, and fear of being not good enough. I'm working to try to

overcome this stuff, as we all are.Hugs to us all.P.Bear >> I want

to cut to the chase, as they say. I am doing a weekend job for > with another

teacher. We are viewing videos of severely and midly > disabled students

performing specific educational tasks. Our job using > a rubic is to score the

student on their performance on the task they > were ask to complete. We must

come up with a mutual score.> > So today here I sit in a cubicle with my partner

viewing these > tapes. My partner is very sweet and at one point she says to

me...just > have more confidence in yourself, and she repeated that comment at >

least 4 more times. Why because one more time in my life and even with > a total

stranger- my lack of self- confidence and self doubt just > shines through. > >

I know we must let go of our past, put this is my present moment > too. I lived

in household were nada was ALWAYS right....and I was never > right. She would

fight me to prove her point and to show me how > superior she was to me and my

father. Seemed like she was like proud > she could knock you down with her facts

and belittle your viewpoint. > She still does it today..... and it still seems

like it brings her > pleasure.> > So yes, today and everyday....I do doubt

myself....the self-> confidence goes down and I worry that again- I am wrong and

I will be > wrong when I am helping to score these tapes.> > Anyone else have

one of those moments when someone else sees the > effects on you of being raised

by a BP?> > Malinda>

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rive_052008

May 4, 2008

Hi Malinda,

Thank you. That's it - I don't want to have to confront people. I

assume they'll blow up like nada did. However, with little by

little practice, I'm realising that 99% of the people I know are not

like nada. My job has been very stressful for me (with the pressure

from my boss), and I have been thinking I'd like a sea change

because I don't know if I can handle it anymore... But for the

moment I'm staying with it, and little by little I expect my work

performance will improve.

Thank you for encouragement and support, I really feel it helps.

P.Bear

>

> P.Bear,

>

> Thank you for your response. I can so relate to what you were

saying. I used to be our dept.chair and I finally just didn't want

the hassle of dealing with 7 other teachers. The paperwork being

handed in on time and done correctly. I didn't want to have to

confront them.

>

> I have been at this job for 25 years, ( dept chair- for

10yrs.) and I just wanted to do less. I am on the downside of my

career

>

> You can build on these skills though, if you want to keep

your position. It did in some ways get easier, because I just was

like enough. I think talking to your therapist was a great idea. I

also got to know each teacher's style, so I knew what to expect and

learned how to approach them. So keep working at it. it helped me

develop better management skills too.

>

> It is hard to hear those critical tapes playing inside of

us......being raised by the BP does do such damage, and gives us

much to overcome.

>

> Good Luck,

>

> Malinda

>

May 4, 2008

Hi P.Bear,

You had mentioned the possibility of classes. I don't know where you

live but you would find some good roles as supervisor classes in a

human resource program or also in a program that does business. They

usually have staff motivation classes also watch good sales people in

action when you are out and about see what tricks they use to get

folks motivated to buy. I am in a supervision role have 12 teachers I

directly supervise and also am the middle person for our head

start/public school collaborative. The idea of learning what styles

others use is excellent. I just watched my team for a month and then

learned from my interactions what each one needs. They are all

motivated differently and remember motivation is always triggered from

internally. You have to find out what the right carrot is to dangle

in front of each one and which way each person likes tasks handed to

them. Figure out what motivates their behavior we all have triggers

that paralyze us. Also a class in communication/mediation would be

excellent to have under your belt. I did this and now understand the

dance we all do when communicating not just Nada's version.

I still do not feel great when doing this work and have some anxiety

but I am really good at it now and use my super radar as a gift. I

often find myself enjoying the communication aspects after the fact.

During the interaction I am too busy reading them and myself adjusting

and coming quieting my doubt to notice the success but usually the

result is very effective. I just started directly asking my staff

what keeps you from getting this done and how can I help you figure

this out. Usually my staff appreciate me naming the white elephant in

the room so they don't have to lug it around any more. Hope some part

of this helps. Just so you know I walk around with self doubt every

day I have just learned to feel the fear and do it any way. Blessings

to you.

> >

> > P.Bear,

> >

> > Thank you for your response. I can so relate to what you were

> saying. I used to be our dept.chair and I finally just didn't want

> the hassle of dealing with 7 other teachers. The paperwork being

> handed in on time and done correctly. I didn't want to have to

> confront them.

> >

> > I have been at this job for 25 years, ( dept chair- for

> 10yrs.) and I just wanted to do less. I am on the downside of my

> career

> >

> > You can build on these skills though, if you want to keep

> your position. It did in some ways get easier, because I just was

> like enough. I think talking to your therapist was a great idea. I

> also got to know each teacher's style, so I knew what to expect and

> learned how to approach them. So keep working at it. it helped me

> develop better management skills too.

> >

> > It is hard to hear those critical tapes playing inside of

> us......being raised by the BP does do such damage, and gives us

> much to overcome.

> >

> > Good Luck,

> >

> > Malinda

> >

>

May 4, 2008

Hi Malinda,

It can be excruciating can't it trying to open our mouths and make a

decision that others are needing and maybe grading? Sounds like your

co-teacher was giving you permission to have your own opinion if only

it were that easy huh. Learning to trust people to trust they are not

our nadas is difficult and takes great courage. I finally decided I

was just going to go for it becuase if you can't be honest then what's

the point. I have strong communication skills so can now hold it

together when others don't quite align with my ideas but it is still

challenging and in the end after putting my neck out there I still

question myself internally. My therapists helps with this peice of

the doubt. Just keep practicing and trying it on. It settles out some

after a while maybe this teacher might be a good one to start with.

Out damn doubt out!!

Suebee

>

> So today here I sit in a cubicle with my partner viewing these

> tapes. My partner is very sweet and at one point she says to me...just

> have more confidence in yourself, and she repeated that comment at

> least 4 more times. Why because one more time in my life and even with

> a total stranger- my lack of self- confidence and self doubt just

> shines through.

>

> I know we must let go of our past, put this is my present moment

> too. I lived in household were nada was ALWAYS right....and I was never

> right. She would fight me to prove her point and to show me how

> superior she was to me and my father. Seemed like she was like proud

> she could knock you down with her facts and belittle your viewpoint.

> She still does it today..... and it still seems like it brings her

> pleasure.

>

> So yes, today and everyday....I do doubt myself....the self-

> confidence goes down and I worry that again- I am wrong and I will be

> wrong when I am helping to score these tapes.

>

> Anyone else have one of those moments when someone else sees the

> effects on you of being raised by a BP?

>

> Malinda

>

May 4, 2008

this is my first year of teaching and although i love my kids, my

coworkers gossip about me being sexually involved with a male coworker

(he's actually the person who set me on this path to find other people

like us since his mom is bonkers just like mine). they don't

understand that we're close because we've experienced such similar

situations in childhood and we can validate each other. i can

understand that they see us getting along and goofing off and think

we're whispering about secrets, but 19 times out of 20, we're giggling

about fart jokes. also, i had a really bad experience with an

assistant principal last week during a standardized test and the whole

situation had ballooned into a gossip fest. it's so depressing. my

chairwoman is pushing me to have a meeting with her, the principal,

and all parties involved (including the gossipers who are telling my

kids i'll be fired and i'll be lucky to be back at the school next

year since the principal is angry at me).

i love my kids and i love math, but i can't handle this at work. i

just internalize everything and it makes me excruciatingly depressed.

i think i will take the art content test and see how that is. at

least then i won't be screwing up kids' futures by not providing

enough mathematics foundations.

bink

>>

I want to cut to the chase, as they say. I am doing a weekend job for

> with another teacher. We are viewing videos of severely and midly >

disabled students performing specific educational tasks. Our job using

> a rubic is to score the student on their performance on the task

they > were ask to complete. We must come up with a mutual score.> >

So today here I sit in a cubicle with my partner viewing these >

tapes. My partner is very sweet and at one point she says to me...just

> have more confidence in yourself, and she repeated that comment at >

least 4 more times. Why because one more time in my life and even with

> a total stranger- my lack of self- confidence and self doubt just >

shines through. > > I know we must let go of our past, put this is my

present moment > too. I lived in household were nada was ALWAYS

right....and I was never > right. She would fight me to prove her

point and to show me how > superior she was to me and my father.

Seemed like she was like proud > she could knock you down with her

facts and belittle your viewpoint. > She still does it today..... and

it still seems like it brings her > pleasure.> > So yes, today and

everyday....I do doubt myself....the self-> confidence goes down and I

worry that again- I am wrong and I will be > wrong when I am helping

to score these tapes.> > Anyone else have one of those moments when

someone else sees the > effects on you of being raised by a BP?> >

Malinda>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

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rive_052008

>

May 5, 2008

I am sorry you are having problems with office politics, bink, that is

such a pain. Don't let them run you out of there if you don't want to

go; them talking to your students about any of it crosses a boundary

and I would keep documentation of that (and everything else going on).

It sounds like it could fall under 'creating a hostile work

environment' because of the sexual nature of the gossip, which gives

you grounds for a lawsuit. It sounds to me like they are in the wrong

here, I hope you can have something done about it. (((((hugs)))))

May 5, 2008

i really like teaching, but i am not so good at classroom management.

telling people what to do and deciding whether or not someone can go

to the bathroom makes me feel like a nazi and i don't want to do it.

also, i did an alternative certification program. basically i got

certified by taking classes over the summer without any classroom

experience or even any observations. then i get dropped into a school

where this noob teacher gets the most at risk kids and is expected to

perform at the same levels as a veteran teacher. i like my at risk

kids and this is the group that i want to work with, but there is not

enough support in the school to deal with this. when i glom onto a

teacher who happens to be a male, there's this stupid gossip. i also

don't have a guaranteed position at the school next year and i find

the prospect of starting over with all new humans a bit terrifying.

i'm so stressed out and depressed all the time because i feel like i

am letting my kids down due to my own ineptitude. i can't believe

that it's standard practice just to use an entire year of students as

guinea pigs to learn how to teach. if you really suck at teaching

math, that'll color their experience with the subject for YEARS to

come!!! i am so angry and stressed out. i think i would be a good

teacher maybe when i'm older, but i don't think i can do this next

year. i think going to grad school and getting a masters degree which

involves math so that i can teach GED students would be a good start

for me. i don't want to deal with making kids learn. i like the idea

of dealing with a class of people who want to be there and are paying

to be there. also, the whole idea of older females spreading rumors

about me is something i just cannot deal with.

bink

>

> I am sorry you are having problems with office politics, bink, that is

> such a pain. Don't let them run you out of there if you don't want to

> go; them talking to your students about any of it crosses a boundary

> and I would keep documentation of that (and everything else going on).

> It sounds like it could fall under 'creating a hostile work

> environment' because of the sexual nature of the gossip, which gives

> you grounds for a lawsuit. It sounds to me like they are in the wrong

> here, I hope you can have something done about it. (((((hugs)))))

>

May 5, 2008

>

> Anyone else have one of those moments when someone else sees the

> effects on you of being raised by a BP?

>

> Malinda

>

ALL THE TIME!! It was so bad 10-15 years ago people in stores knew

how fearful I was. I'm getting better but OMG when I think how I've

acted like a dog for 44 years, I can't believe it. My 10 yo son lets

people walk all over him, and we tell him all the time how terrific he

is and to stand up for himself. I told my therapist who kindly pointed

out that my dear boy is just following my lead!! Oh no! That has

helped me really watch the apologizing, etc. Best wishes to you on

your journey Malinda.

May 7, 2008

P_Bear,

I know exactly the situation you are talking about. What you need is a

contingency plan or escalation plan. I have managed many projects and there is

always one jerk who for some reason has no interest in getting the project

completed or has every interest in seeing you fail. Sometimes just for kicks. If

you have a deadline to complete try getting a calander and marking backwards the

critical points or events that need to be accomplished by a certain date in

order to complete the project.

When you initially contact the problem worker and request that they perform a

task you must do two things: 1) follow up the converstation with an e-mail

repeating the agreement and putting your boss on BCC this sets the timer, and 2)

specify a date YOU expect the task to be completed by in the e-mail.

Don't let the problem worker set the pace, YOU do it. Then you make this person

negotiate the date. Within two days of the event date you send another e-mail to

this person requesting a status and again BCC your Boss. If a response is given

via a phone call or in a private conversation, then you transcribe that

converstation in an e-mail and you send it to the problem worker.

What you are doing is making sure that there is a " paper " trail so that if

anyone gets their butt chewed it won't be you and yes it is a pain in the ass to

have to operate this way. There is no reason that you should have to be the

hammer to get someone else to do their job, unfortunately this isn't always in

our control. Once the event date has past you can consider the project in

jeapordy and then you escalate the issue. The next e-mail you send out has both

your boss and the problem worker's boss on CC asking for a damage control plan

to get their portion of the project back on track.

I would sit down with your Boss and ask him when you can count on him to back

you up when you are forced to escalate the status of the project. Make sure you

are clear in communicating to your boss that you will not involve him unless you

are given no other choice. The e-mails will make your case for you. Save every

single one in a project folder.

I hope this helps

You can do this.

Be strong

Re: Your wrong and I am right......