Re: Total confusion over looks

May 6, 2008

This thread has been interesting...I went through a serious of

hairstyles in my 20's too. Various colors, styles and lengths...Nada

always liked the haircut before the current one I had...perpetually

got the " Why did you change it? I liked the last style. " She would

say that every single time I changed the style without fail. Given

my Nada has had the same hairstyle since 1963 when she married my

Father...apparently change is an issue for her! Interestingly

enough...she does have some wigs too...she takes them on vacation so

she doesn't have to bother doing her hair (?)...or so she says.

As for compliments on my looks...I don't remember any. I remember my

Father and brother teasing me that I was ugly until I cried when I

was a teenager and Nada just watching them do it like it was no big

deal...didn't I realize they were joking?

As for weight...mine has fluctuated here and there. Nada is always

obsessed with it one way or another...either I weigh too much or I'm

getting too thin...I don't ever look " just right. " Mind you, she is

by no means at an ideal weight...but her mirror obviously reflects

her image differently. Currently, she is convinced I " got fat " from

drinking beer...so for my birthday I got an XL pair of pajamas. I'm

not an XL...but it's her perception of who I am...don't ever confuse

the facts with her version of reality. In any case, I don't care

what she thinks anymore. I married someone who tells me I am

beautiful every day. Those who fell otherwise can go to Hades as far

as I'm concerned!

JJFan

>

> This is so familiar - I was told I'd be so pretty IF I were thin,

IF

> I were taller, IF I " did my hair nice " , IF I dressed better (um, I

> wasn't exactly dressing myself in 6th grade), etc. Like gs said,

> they didn't want me to be vain - ha, fat chance. In high school

nada

> told me several times with absolute sincerity - tears in her eyes -

> that I had the most beautiful eyebrows, like she was really

bestowing

> a compliment on me (and as if that was the most notable positive

> characteristic she could find). I was dressed in double-knit

> polyester pants & cafeteria lady smocks through 10th grade, and

> usually only had only 1 pr pants & 2 tops to my name anyhow. Once

I

> lost weight as an adult, she harped on me constantly, " Are you

> wearing THAT?! Is it supposed to look like THAT? " though I was

> wearing stylish clothes that fit properly for the first time in my

> life. Then, as I got to a size 12, she started in that I was too

> thin, she was worried, and it became all about her. Her identity

was

> a thin mother of a fat daughter, and when I upset that balance all

> hell broke loose.

>

May 6, 2008

I think that both of those would work. Appearance abuse for the fact

that we are abused no matter how we appear. And self image abuse for

everything else they do to us to. Either way, it pretty much wipes

out any sense of self worth one was trying to cultivate.

If people thought I was good looking I was afraid...because if the

boys like me this was evil...If I was ugly I was a nobody. And

somehow I seemed to magically switch between the two in her eyes. So

there was no winning. And there seemed to be nothing in between

completely ugly or completely beautiful (Everything seen as black or

white...no shades of grey).

> > >

> > > This is so familiar - I was told I'd be so pretty IF I were

thin,

> > IF

> > > I were taller, IF I " did my hair nice " , IF I dressed better

(um, I

> > > wasn't exactly dressing myself in 6th grade), etc. Like gs said,

> > > they didn't want me to be vain - ha, fat chance. In high school

> > nada

> > > told me several times with absolute sincerity - tears in her

eyes -

> > > that I had the most beautiful eyebrows, like she was really

> > bestowing

> > > a compliment on me (and as if that was the most notable positive

> > > characteristic she could find). I was dressed in double-knit

> > > polyester pants & cafeteria lady smocks through 10th grade, and

> > > usually only had only 1 pr pants & 2 tops to my name anyhow.

Once

> > I

> > > lost weight as an adult, she harped on me constantly, " Are you

> > > wearing THAT?! Is it supposed to look like THAT? " though I was

> > > wearing stylish clothes that fit properly for the first time in

my

> > > life. Then, as I got to a size 12, she started in that I was too

> > > thin, she was worried, and it became all about her. Her identity

> > was

> > > a thin mother of a fat daughter, and when I upset that balance

all

> > > hell broke loose.

> > >

> >

>

May 9, 2008

I can't believe how similar BPD mothers are in EVERY respect

including appearances. I thought my nada was the only one who used

this as another method to humiliate her daughter...

In elementary school I started to 'mature' and began to require

deodorant. Instead of buying a stick and teaching me to use it daily

like a normal mother would... nada lets me go around smelling weird

and inviting her friends to " smell how bad " I stank. Her friends

would have this weird look on their faces I could could have DIED of

embarassment. After-the-fact she would buy the deodorant only after

sufficient humiliation was achieved.

I started realizing I was on my own with respect to appearances and

hygiene. In jr high a friend gave me a training bra. When nada

spotted it under my shirt her reaction was to snap the bra strap and

loudly say " what's this!? " in front of my two older brothers and

another adult at my neighbour's BBQ. I could have strangled her, had

I not been so busy hiding my embarassment and humiliation.

In high school during a dancing competition she would point out " my

you sure have a lot of pimples on your face " and point them out with

her finger one by one.. in front of the other dancers and their

normal mothers. I would have to sit there in front of everyone

staring at us, I felt like a morbid alien species once again.

Some girls in high school later on started threatening to beat me up

and " shave off my hair " because I had long pretty blonde hair (and

started to get some attention from the boys). I made the mistake of

telling nada about it. Her reaction... " well you do toss your hair

around a lot " I was terrified of being beat up by a gang of girls

and this is her reaction??!!! If I ever have a daughter I will

systematically do and say the polar opposite of my nada.. I KNOW

this is not the way to help a youngster experiencing normal growing

pains! The only way I can remember this awful things is to look at

it with a sense of humour.. albeit very difficult some days.

>

> It is so cathartic to be able to share these things with you

guys.

> I have naturally curly hair but mom never had it cut properly or

helped me get the tangles out - she basically never taught me

personal hygiene. I have no idea how I figured it out but she

never even taught me how to use a tampon (sorry for the tmi) or a

razor. (I had a hell of a time with the tampon - it's like taking

a jungle child and handing her a tampon - umm what do I do with

this?) She certainly never helped me with makeup or clothes. I

would wear the ugliest clothes from the $10 store. I mean UGGHLY up

until the time I started working in HS and could buy my own stuff.

I vividly remember this horrible green outfit.

> The one time I remember her taking me shopping for school clothes

the 8's didn't fit so I wanted to try on a 10 - it would have fit

perfectly but mom said " no daughter of mine is going to wear double

digits! you'll just have to go on a diet before you can have

clothes. " I had NO clothes - like seriously... I would have one

pair of jeans and a couple of tshirts and that was IT. For the

whole school year. It was embarrassing!

> So now I have my mother in the back of my head when I try to wear

lipstick or blush. " You look like a clown. You look ridiculous.

Take it off! " These are normal things for women - all my friends

had their mothers and friends play with makeup when they were

growing up but I was ridiculed.

> Buying clothes is a very stressful experience for me sometimes.

Sometimes I'm ok and I just get what I know I want but if I need to

find something for a special occassion I will literally have an

anxiety attack in the mall.

> I tend to wear pretty basic stuff because I don't want to think

about clothes.

> Don't get me wrong I'm clean & I know how to use a razor & I know

personal hygiene now (lol) & I'm getting ok with makeup but damn it

was really embarrassing and humiliating when I was a kid.

> And of course she had the best clothes from The Limited. All her

money went to clothes. She had a crazy good wardrobe but dressed

her daughter like a homeless person. When she did buy me clothes it

was never anything I wanted - it was to transform me into someone

else FOR her.

> Crazy.

> Amy

>

> Re: Total confusion over looks

>

> jjfan said

> but her mirror obviously reflects her image differently. ..for my

> birthday I got an XL pair of pajamas. I'm not an XL...but it's her

> perception of who I am...

>

> Nada totally did this, although with my daughter more than me.

Once

> nada had a pair of pants she didn't want any longer & offerred

them

> to my daughter " in case [she] ever lost weight " - of course

daughter

> just slipped them on & they fit perfectly! - at which point Nada

> wanted them back. We never saw them again!

>

> ...she always liked the haircut before the current one I had...

> YES!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

>

> gs...I do think changing hairstyles frequently could be a flea

left

> over & like the idea of self-image abuse, it totally fits...on a

> possibly related note, have any of you ever wanted to shave your

> head (or actually done it)? I never did it, but especially during

> periods when Nada was seriously crawling up my behind, I would

have

> a strong urge to just take a razor to my head. I suspect this has

to

> do with wanting to wrest control from her & assert myself or maybe

a

> cheap, safe imitation of cutting (which I only did during jr high)?

>

> ...the other little girls in my neighborhood' s mothers went to

> great pains to make them look cute...

> really struck a chord too. At 22 I stayed a week with dad on the

> other side of the country. His wife took me shopping, bought me a

> beautiful, flattering pink blouse & denim skirt, necklace (which I

> still have 20 years later), etc. - a whole ensemble, and some frou-

> frou bath stuff too. It occurred to me then that I had NEVER had

> such an experience with Nada. In fact, quite the opposite. If I

> were narrowed down to 2 selections in the dressing room, she would

> insist the one I liked best on me actually looked bad & basically

> pitch a fit until I abandoned the purchase - and insist with equal

> force that something which looked appalling actually looked great.

> It took me to age 25 to quit falling for it. Same weird thing with

> my hair - I was always told to part my hair at the left since it

> was " thin " on the right side & " needed balancing out " (even my

hair

> is defective), but it usually hung in my face. Of course my

natural

> part is on the right & as far as I can tell, is pretty evenly

> distributed around my head! What gives??????? ?

>

> She always cut my hair herself or found someone else equally

> unsuitable to do it - my personal favorite being a woman from

church

> whose husband was a barber (and not a good one at that - glad she

> didn't know a doctor's wife.) The post about paying the person who

> will let her rant the most do her hair also is familiar, except

Nada

> does it with housekeepers. My daughter & I, after seeing how

filthy

> the house was even with someone coming in 2-3x a week in an

> efficiency apartment, finally came to the conclusion that the

> housekeeper was more of a " paid friend " .

>

> Sorry to keep droning on, but I just can't get over how similar

BPDs

> are!!!

>

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May 9, 2008

I'm new to this group but WOW, I CANNOT believe the stories.. it's

so liberating to realize you all had the SAME experiences in so many

different ways. I'd like to share my experience with respect to

confusion over appearances and my nada

My mother is a waif/witch type. When I was in elementary school I

began to 'mature' and was in need of deodorant. Instead of buying me

deodorant and showing me how to use it like a normal mother... nada

invites her friends to come and smell how bad I stink. Her friends

would have these weird looks on their faces and I was utterly

humiliated and wanted to crawl into a hole, at age 11 or so. After-

the-fact she would purchase the deodorant but only after sufficient

humiliation of me was achieved. I realized I was on my own with

respect to certain growing pains.

In jr. high my friend gave me a training bra. Nada would never buy

me one.... ever. So after nada noticed the bra under my t-shirt her

reaction was to snap the bra strap and loudly ask " what's this?! " in

front of my older brothers and other adults at my neighbor's BBQ. I

could have strangled her had I not been so busy hiding my shame.

In high school at a dancing competition she loudly proclaimed " my

you sure have a lot of pimples on your face! " in front of the other

dancer's and their mothers. Then pointed them out with her finger

one-by one. Again weird looks on everyone's faces staring at us, me

feeling like a morbid alien species yet again. Later in high school

a gang of girls was threatening to beat me up and " shave my hair

off " I had long pretty hair and started to gain male attention by

this point. I made the mistake of telling nada about it. Her

response.. " well you do toss your hair around a lot " . Wow your

teenage daughters reveals her fears of a gang beating and that's her

response??!!!

If I ever have a daughter I will do and say the polar opposite of my

nada... I have no doubt THIS IS NOT the way to react to a young

girls growing pains. Unfortunately those growing pains never stopped

until I started therapy. All I can do is keep a sense of humour

about it albeit very difficult some days. Thanks for nothing nada