unbelievably stressed out

[Guest guest]

so sorry Bink Sorry for everything. Sending prayers and warm thoughts

your way. It is so hard to go through loss like what you describe

here. Reminds us of impermanence which we humans seem to deny a lot.

Which probably makes our suffering all the more. I don't know about

you but for me when things happen that are unexplainable and

completely out of my control it really triggers my PTSD. It aligns

with so much of what I experienced as a child. Greif is painful and

arduous and at times excruciating. Unfortunatley the only way out is

through find some one to fall into and feel the pain.

As for work what helped me get out of my funk and avoidance mode was

to find something I could control out of all the shit that was out of

my control. I started saving boxes and pack one everytime I get

pissed off or feel hurt or see the big black cloud coming round the

bend. I took many mental health days but they only helped when my

therapist helped me not feel guilty or like a failure for taking them.

Both of these things reminded me I have choices and I have control.

What are your choices and where is your control? Many many many hugs

and prayers your way.

Namaste Suebee

>

> okay. haven't been on lately...so update on the life of bink...

>

> sunday, mother's day went fine, but a good family friend was killed by

> a drunk driver. completely unexpected. it's very hard for me to deal

> with the fact that someone so good can be taken away so quickly for

> absolutely no reason. been talking to my dad a lot about it. he's

> like, " baby, life is harsh and this is raw, but it's the way it is. "

> we're having a very hard time trying to find ANYTHING POSITIVE that

> could come out of this. it's very upsetting.

>

> at work, coworkers are still gossiping about me, which is getting

> harder and harder to deal with (took another mental health day

> today...took one last week). there has apparently been criticism of

> me being one of the " cool " teachers, like i'm not doing my job and am

> just trying to be the good guy or something. it's completely bs. my

> kids like me because i respect them and i ask them what they need to

> learn. i'm consistent with my punishments of bad behavior and the

> kids know what to expect from me. i don't even want to go back on

> monday. i'm stressed out right now about what is going to happen on

> monday. i'm getting little bolts of adrenaline going through my guts

> at irregular intervals. got a massage today, which was good, but i

> don't think anything is fixed for real.

>

> i feel more stressed out than i have in my entire life. this morning

> when i was on a bike ride, my left hand went tingly, like every time i

> moved my fingers, i was hitting a little funny bone...nerve feeling.

> a little disconcerting. i feel like i'm completely falling apart.

> stressed stressed stressed. even when i have time off, i'm worrying

> about the work i'll have to be doing, being judged by my peers, not

> doing a good enough job for my kids, being a crappy wife, etc etc etc.

> i'm tired of being so depressed all the time and i just need a break.

> i can't keep living like this. it's not good for me.

>

> bink

>

[Guest guest]

Bink, do you have this book? Do you recommend it. I may buy it. I never

heard of this style of braiding before but I really like it. thanks for

telling me about it!

http://cgi.ebay.com/NEW-Beginners-Guide-to-Braiding-The-Craft-of-Kumihimo_W0QQit\

emZ150247417138QQihZ005QQcategoryZ378QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

>

> Oh cool - I just googled the braiding. I might learn how to do it too. It's

> beautiful. I crochet and embroider and I've been told that these two

> activities release a ton of serotonin into your brain, making you feel

> better. I'm glad you are working out more. It feels so good, doesn't it.

> Sounds like you are having a better day today! I'm glad. Hugs, gs

>

>

>

>>

>> hey gs. i don't want to take any more medication. i'm already on

>> welbutrin (since january) and it's keeping me from falling completely

>> apart, but other than that, i would like to stay med-free. i have

>> this fear that if i get on another medication, it'll lead to another

>> one to counteract the side effects of the first, which will lead to

>> another one, etc etc etc. i have started exercising for an hour a day

>> and that has helped. i have also been mentally organizing a plan of

>> action to stir up dissent on a STUPID decision the city council made

>> about digging up mature oak trees in one of the most

>> pedestrian-friendly parts of town for a few more inches of lane space.

>> this was passed because one of the council members with a hummer felt

>> too cramped in the lanes. i live in texas, and if there's anything we

>> need to encourage, it's pedestrian and bike friendliness in our urban

>> traffic design. (my husband always says the point of transportation

>> engineering is designing for PEOPLE, not CARS.) yesterday i also

>> learned how to do kumihimo braiding, which is considered by some a

>> form of meditation and i can totally zone out doing that. made a

>> 16-strand braid yesterday and it's pretty cool imho.

>>

>> the public memorial service is tomorrow and it's going to be weird

>> because a LOT of people apparently care...which is comforting in a

>> way. it's like you see people around and just think of them as part

>> of the family, then suddenly you realize that they're important to

>> other people and you start looking at your circle of friends in a

>> completely different way. i'm trying to figure out what i'll say at

>> the service if i get a chance to speak.

>>

>> that should keep me busy.

>> bink

>>

>>

>> > > >

>> > > > thanks. it's weird. i'll be doing something, and then suddenly

>> > > i'll

>> > > > just think, " he's dead and i'll never see him again " and it's like

>> > > > this veil has been lifted and regular day to day life is a lie and

>> > > > reality is an unfeeling and unknowing blind entity that just keeps

>> > > > plodding along and doesn't care about anything us humans do.

>> > > >

>> > > > bink

>> > > >

>> > >

>> > > Bink-

>> > >

>> > > Hugs to you on your loss. I think as KO's, when we lose someone we

>> > > truly love and care about, who cared about us, we have more trouble

>> > > processing it than the average person. We have lived a life

>> > > surrounded by negative thought and negative actions...someone

>> > > programmed us to think the glass is always half empty...so when we

>> > > experience a loss, it's easy to get sucked into their way of thinking

>> > > about it...almost like it validates what they were saying all along.

>> > >

>> > > We may never understand why certain things happen or why bad things

>> > > happen to good people. But we can't let that fact steal our joy in

>> > > all the other wonderful things life has to offer. Easier said than

>> > > done, I know. It's o.k. to feel whatever you are feeling...working

>> > > through the grief is a productive thing, but know that brighter days

>> > > are ahead...you may not be able to imagine them yet, but I know they

>> > > are there for you, for all of us!

>> > >

>> > > Hugs!

>> > >

>> > > JJFan

>> > >

>> > >

>> > >

>> >

>> >

>> >

[Guest guest]

i don't have that book, but coincidentally was reading a review about

it...weird... http://www.rejiquar.com/Kumihimo/kumihimo.html

bink

> >> > > >

> >> > > > thanks. it's weird. i'll be doing something, and then suddenly

> >> > > i'll

> >> > > > just think, " he's dead and i'll never see him again " and

it's like

> >> > > > this veil has been lifted and regular day to day life is a

lie and

> >> > > > reality is an unfeeling and unknowing blind entity that

just keeps

> >> > > > plodding along and doesn't care about anything us humans do.

> >> > > >

> >> > > > bink

> >> > > >

> >> > >

> >> > > Bink-

> >> > >

> >> > > Hugs to you on your loss. I think as KO's, when we lose

someone we

> >> > > truly love and care about, who cared about us, we have more

trouble

> >> > > processing it than the average person. We have lived a life

> >> > > surrounded by negative thought and negative actions...someone

> >> > > programmed us to think the glass is always half empty...so

when we

> >> > > experience a loss, it's easy to get sucked into their way of

thinking

> >> > > about it...almost like it validates what they were saying all

along.

> >> > >

> >> > > We may never understand why certain things happen or why bad

things

> >> > > happen to good people. But we can't let that fact steal our

joy in

> >> > > all the other wonderful things life has to offer. Easier said

than

> >> > > done, I know. It's o.k. to feel whatever you are

feeling...working

> >> > > through the grief is a productive thing, but know that

brighter days

> >> > > are ahead...you may not be able to imagine them yet, but I

know they

> >> > > are there for you, for all of us!

> >> > >

> >> > > Hugs!

> >> > >

> >> > > JJFan

> >> > >

> >> > >

> >> > >

> >> >

> >> >

> >> >

[Guest guest]

Oh cool, I just ordered it and also one called 200 braids.

>

> i don't have that book, but coincidentally was reading a review about

> it...weird... http://www.rejiquar.com/Kumihimo/kumihimo.html

>

> bink

>

>

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > thanks. it's weird. i'll be doing something, and then suddenly

> > >> > > i'll

> > >> > > > just think, " he's dead and i'll never see him again " and

> it's like

> > >> > > > this veil has been lifted and regular day to day life is a

> lie and

> > >> > > > reality is an unfeeling and unknowing blind entity that

> just keeps

> > >> > > > plodding along and doesn't care about anything us humans do.

> > >> > > >

> > >> > > > bink

> > >> > > >

> > >> > >

> > >> > > Bink-

> > >> > >

> > >> > > Hugs to you on your loss. I think as KO's, when we lose

> someone we

> > >> > > truly love and care about, who cared about us, we have more

> trouble

> > >> > > processing it than the average person. We have lived a life

> > >> > > surrounded by negative thought and negative actions...someone

> > >> > > programmed us to think the glass is always half empty...so

> when we

> > >> > > experience a loss, it's easy to get sucked into their way of

> thinking

> > >> > > about it...almost like it validates what they were saying all

> along.

> > >> > >

> > >> > > We may never understand why certain things happen or why bad

> things

> > >> > > happen to good people. But we can't let that fact steal our

> joy in

> > >> > > all the other wonderful things life has to offer. Easier said

> than

> > >> > > done, I know. It's o.k. to feel whatever you are

> feeling...working

> > >> > > through the grief is a productive thing, but know that

> brighter days

> > >> > > are ahead...you may not be able to imagine them yet, but I

> know they

> > >> > > are there for you, for all of us!

> > >> > >

> > >> > > Hugs!

> > >> > >

> > >> > > JJFan

> > >> > >

> > >> > >

> > >> > >

> > >> >

> > >> >

> > >> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Bink,

Gently does it, you sound like one of my rare teachers that remain a shining

light in my horribly stressful school life, I would love to tell them how much

they meant to me. One, a nun, left because she couldn't cope with the system. It

seems paradoxical to have so many teachers who don't like or respect children, I

wish you the best of luck, you sound like a teacher I would have enjoyed.

Take lots of care of yourself

TC

[Guest guest]

wow, thanks. I love to work with my hands, love anything crafty

>

> i actually learned how to do it from these pdf's. they're basic, but

> show you how to make a cardboard loom and the basic pattern.

>

> http://thegenieslamp.com/kumihimo/

>

>

> > > > >> > > >

> > > > >> > > > thanks. it's weird. i'll be doing something, and then

> suddenly

> > > > >> > > i'll

> > > > >> > > > just think, " he's dead and i'll never see him again " and

> > > it's like

> > > > >> > > > this veil has been lifted and regular day to day life is a

> > > lie and

> > > > >> > > > reality is an unfeeling and unknowing blind entity that

> > > just keeps

> > > > >> > > > plodding along and doesn't care about anything us

> humans do.

> > > > >> > > >

> > > > >> > > > bink

> > > > >> > > >

> > > > >> > >

> > > > >> > > Bink-

> > > > >> > >

> > > > >> > > Hugs to you on your loss. I think as KO's, when we lose

> > > someone we

> > > > >> > > truly love and care about, who cared about us, we have more

> > > trouble

> > > > >> > > processing it than the average person. We have lived a life

> > > > >> > > surrounded by negative thought and negative actions...someone

> > > > >> > > programmed us to think the glass is always half empty...so

> > > when we

> > > > >> > > experience a loss, it's easy to get sucked into their way of

> > > thinking

> > > > >> > > about it...almost like it validates what they were saying all

> > > along.

> > > > >> > >

> > > > >> > > We may never understand why certain things happen or why bad

> > > things

> > > > >> > > happen to good people. But we can't let that fact steal our

> > > joy in

> > > > >> > > all the other wonderful things life has to offer. Easier said

> > > than

> > > > >> > > done, I know. It's o.k. to feel whatever you are

> > > feeling...working

> > > > >> > > through the grief is a productive thing, but know that

> > > brighter days

> > > > >> > > are ahead...you may not be able to imagine them yet, but I

> > > know they

> > > > >> > > are there for you, for all of us!

> > > > >> > >

> > > > >> > > Hugs!

> > > > >> > >

> > > > >> > > JJFan

> > > > >> > >

> > > > >> > >

> > > > >> > >

> > > > >> >

> > > > >> >

> > > > >> >

[Guest guest]

actually, that basically is the way my family and i are dealing with

what happened. my friend was a human of the highest caliber and i

know for a fact that he wouldn't want us to be angry with the drunk

driver who killed him (this is because he got in a major accident

while riding his motorcycle and he told everyone to try not to be

angry with that guy even though his foot and leg were crushed and he

had to learn how to walk all over again). basically, we say, " there's

no point in being angry or trying to cause harm to this kid who killed

my friend because he will make his own hell. he has to deal with the

fact that he ended the life of a truly awesome person. " i don't think

i could make it any worse for him at this point.

bink

> > > >> > > >

> > > >> > > > thanks. it's weird. i'll be doing something, and then

suddenly

> > > >> > > i'll

> > > >> > > > just think, " he's dead and i'll never see him again " and

> > it's like

> > > >> > > > this veil has been lifted and regular day to day life is a

> > lie and

> > > >> > > > reality is an unfeeling and unknowing blind entity that

> > just keeps

> > > >> > > > plodding along and doesn't care about anything us

humans do.

> > > >> > > >

> > > >> > > > bink

> > > >> > > >

> > > >> > >

> > > >> > > Bink-

> > > >> > >

> > > >> > > Hugs to you on your loss. I think as KO's, when we lose

> > someone we

> > > >> > > truly love and care about, who cared about us, we have more

> > trouble

> > > >> > > processing it than the average person. We have lived a life

> > > >> > > surrounded by negative thought and negative actions...someone

> > > >> > > programmed us to think the glass is always half empty...so

> > when we

> > > >> > > experience a loss, it's easy to get sucked into their way of

> > thinking

> > > >> > > about it...almost like it validates what they were saying all

> > along.

> > > >> > >

> > > >> > > We may never understand why certain things happen or why bad

> > things

> > > >> > > happen to good people. But we can't let that fact steal our

> > joy in

> > > >> > > all the other wonderful things life has to offer. Easier said

> > than

> > > >> > > done, I know. It's o.k. to feel whatever you are

> > feeling...working

> > > >> > > through the grief is a productive thing, but know that

> > brighter days

> > > >> > > are ahead...you may not be able to imagine them yet, but I

> > know they

> > > >> > > are there for you, for all of us!

> > > >> > >

> > > >> > > Hugs!

> > > >> > >

> > > >> > > JJFan

> > > >> > >

> > > >> > >

> > > >> > >

> > > >> >

> > > >> >

> > > >> >

[Guest guest]

the public service was yesterday and it was amazing. my husband and i

rode our bikes there because we figured the traffic would be terrible,

but i had NO IDEA that so many people would show up. you grow up

around people and just think of them in terms of family, but then to

see all the people whose lives he affected, well, it was pretty

awesome. people took turns going up to the mic and telling their

favorite stories about him, then the remaining members of his band

played (classic rock, but all the lyrics are changed so that they're

all freaking hilarious). people were showing up in costumes and being

generally hippies and artsy and it was pretty cool. i got to see a

lot of friends and family members who i otherwise only get to see a

few times a year. the friend's sister and her husband basically made

sure that i survived during college, so we're really close and it was

good to see all these people turning out in support of them. so we

pretty much just thought good thoughts about how he lived his life and

not the circumstances surrounding his death.

when it comes to funerals, hippies have the best ones. i've been to

one other hippie funeral and it was pretty much the same. you show

up, you cry for about 30 mins, then party for the next 3 hrs. haha,

and this one on sunday was totally byob...turned into quite the party.

i'm definitely doing BETTER than i was before, but it's still hard to

think that he's not going to be around anymore.

bink

> > >

> > > thanks. it's weird. i'll be doing something, and then suddenly

> > i'll

> > > just think, " he's dead and i'll never see him again " and it's like

> > > this veil has been lifted and regular day to day life is a lie and

> > > reality is an unfeeling and unknowing blind entity that just keeps

> > > plodding along and doesn't care about anything us humans do.

> > >

> > > bink

> > >

> >

> > Bink-

> >

> > Hugs to you on your loss. I think as KO's, when we lose someone we

> > truly love and care about, who cared about us, we have more trouble

> > processing it than the average person. We have lived a life

> > surrounded by negative thought and negative actions...someone

> > programmed us to think the glass is always half empty...so when we

> > experience a loss, it's easy to get sucked into their way of thinking

> > about it...almost like it validates what they were saying all along.

> >

> > We may never understand why certain things happen or why bad things

> > happen to good people. But we can't let that fact steal our joy in

> > all the other wonderful things life has to offer. Easier said than

> > done, I know. It's o.k. to feel whatever you are feeling...working

> > through the grief is a productive thing, but know that brighter days

> > are ahead...you may not be able to imagine them yet, but I know they

> > are there for you, for all of us!

> >

> > Hugs!

> >

> > JJFan

> >

> >

> >

>

>