Re: sex, love & mortification

[Guest guest]

my mom seems to like to find people to hang out with that treat her

like her mother did (read: they're all freaking bonkers) and when i

was in high school, one of her friends saw a shirt of mine that she

liked and told me a story about how all she has to do to get what she

wants from her daughters is to ask for what she wants and they might

not give it to her immediately, but she'll guilt them into it. my

16-yr-old-shaved-headed-self went on a freaking rampage tearing that

one apart. " how dare you make your daughter feel like that? why

can't you just buy it for yourself? what the hell is wrong with you? "

etc etc. honestly, i was a little startled that a mom would act like

that, but i was MORE concerned that MY mom would pick up on the idea

and start taking MY clothes that i BOUGHT for MYSELF.

strangeness, though...my mom seemed almost PROUD of me that i made

this broad cry.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

bink

>

> drlingirl --

>

> I can't believe how similar our nadas are! --

>

> My mom would pick up something nice that I had bought for myself and

> say " Why don't you give this to your mother? " and a few times, to

> my regret, I did. Just like you gave in and paid her way. I don't

> do it anymore and I hope you don't either! (Now, we'll pay for her

> if WE offer, or it's her birthday or something....)

>

> It's almost like she wants to be " even " with me -- doesn't like it

> to look like I'm doing well or have nicer things than her. I've

> shared before on this board that we bought a lakehouse a couple of

> years ago, and she and my dad show no interest in seeing it, despite

> being invited several times.

>

> And your mother having money and STILL wanting you to pay her way is

> SO obviously her trying to manipulate you into taking care of her.

> Typical of nadas: don't want to earn intimacy, they just want the

> trappings of it.

>

[Guest guest]

on the subject of one-liners...i think it's a good idea to have a list

of our own. my mom recently got on my case about not being " nice "

enough to her. i calmly replied, " mom, i'm the nicest daughter you've

got. " i didn't add the mental, " SO SUCK IT! " considering the

fact that i've been the " bad one " who " deserved to be hit, " it's

pretty funny to watch her do mental loop-di-loops when i don't react

with total exasperation or anger.

the one-liners seriously don't have to be mean or sarcastic. just

honest. BUT i think they probably take some practice to access on the

spot.

and in the case of carla's brother, it seems like putting down what

you have is almost just a way of complimenting others. it's like the

mom didn't realize that what she said was a completely warped and

twisted way of saying, " thanks for thinking of me, i'm terrified of

dying, " not that that excuses anything.

bink

>

> carla -- Ouch. What a hurtful thing to say in the presence of the

> guy who left Thanksgiving dinner early to be there to support her.

> That's gratitude for ya.

>

> Isn't it interesting (and not the least bit surprising!) that that

> one-liner was ready to spring from her lips at the first

> opportunity?!! They have those things filed away and ready to

> spring! Too bad you didn't answer " Unless it's full of poison! " ha

> ha ha......

>

> My mom has one locked & loaded, too: extracting pity over her

> mother's death. She takes ANY opportunity to spring it on you if

> you find yourself on the phone with her, or in her presence. You

> can bet your last dollar she's going to work it in before your visit

> is over. That's why I've made sure to be around her in groups, or

> to steamroll right over it on the phone. I know I look and sound

> heartless -- I really wrestle with that! But I am sick to death of

> being made to listen to her dog & pony show. Being a participant,

> like a shill in a magic show.

>

> I know she's just lost her mother (at 90), but I think she's

> shamelessly using it. She's also using it as an excuse not to jump

> back into the business of living -- which she doesn't want to do in

> the first place anyway. She's too hemmed in by her fears to

> actually LIVE. She's never really done anything, that was truly all

> her own, in life. By her biography, you'd be hard-pressed to find a

> firm characterization of her -- a unique identity.

>

> Well, at least your brother should know, after that little insult at

> Thanksgiving, that he shouldn't lose sleep over not doing enough for

> her. She'll think that anyway, no matter what he does!

>

> -Kyla

>