Guest guest Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 Hi Lynnette, Ugh you sound so tired and drowning in despair. I'm sure you have gone to bed. I never talk with my Nada at night ever. We screen calls and just don't answer. I go to bed at 8:30 every night and my family knows that 8:00 is my cut off for any reasonable response from me. My husband as of late has really stepped up to the plate and simply says to Nada " she's in bed " . My Nada scoffs and rudly points out the time and calls him a liar without actually saying liar. He just says well gotta go get kids to bed. He is still mostly the golden boy so she doesn't go at it with him. I really know the feeling you speak to about wanting her to go away. When my daughter had her show and I saw how competent and grounded she was and how secure, I remember crying just a little saying if they had just left me alone, never mind the love piece if they had just left me alone how might I be today? Well dear friend here's your chance to be left alone and see who you might be without exerting all this wasted energy. How will you set up your boundaries? Also the whole assassination thing always makes me dissasociate so now as soon as she starts I say well it sounds like we have our plans made I have to go now and I hang up while she is in mid sentence. It works for me. I have gone so far as to give her names of people in her life who would love to hear about those things. Sorry you had a rough go of it but all that you are learning just needs more practice time and it will pay off. Sounds like you have the strength to set the boundaries. Sweet dreams suebee -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " yp_lynnette_cameron_park " wrote: > > why oh why do I think 'this time will be diffent'... I know > better... I want to believe that this isn't the way it's going to be > forever, even though this is how it's been forever... > > Nada's been in town for 9 days, was supposed to leave in the a.m. > but now is staying indefinately (at least another week+) because my > dad's brother had a stroke this a.m. and she's somehow insinuated > herself back in to dad's good graces as the Savior of all mankind. > > She went to a family wedding this today (her ex-husbands family that > is). I couldn't go because I had a class to co-teach so I just got > off the phone with her (after 2 hours) during which time she ripped > everyone to shreds about nonsense things (wardrobe, hair, chipped > toe polish and tackiness) all this while I'm sure she played the > grand long-lost-aunt who returns from the brink of death > after 'recovering' from breast cancer (stage zero 99.7% cure rate, > no chemo, no radiation mind you...) and her 'heartless and > thoughtless daughter can't come to the wedding (mind you like she > BARELY - gasp- helped with my winter of cancer!!!) because she's > BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY > YY. > > Then she started going after me on some stuff that she deams > important that I've warned her off before. I said, 'it's one oclock > in the morning and I'm not doing this with you right now. Please > leave it alone. " I had to repeat myself 3times. Finally she > said, 'FINE!!! " . I said, 'NO... not a huffy FINE... I'm serious... > DROP THIS NOW " . Within 3 minutes she was yawning and claiming she > had to go to bed. > > Then I started crying. I want my mother to go away. I want her to > find some place else to be. Some place where she can just go do her > own thing. I don't want to be even this accessible to her (she > lives 3 hours away at present). > > I feel betrayed by my dad because, supposedly he cried and begged > her to stay longer to help him out (????) cause it's his brother > (sob, sniff, sniff - as relayed by Nada) and he needs HER! Now, I > don't know if any of this is true... but it's screwing with my > head. > > I need to get to bed. I have a HUGE week ahead of me and I can't be > tired. I liked it a whole lot better when I didn't have these $%@#$% > @^@$%#%@#$% emotions that sit there and look at me when they $#%@#$% > decide too... when I could just put things in nice little matching > sets of denial and shove them under the bed. Instead I SEE these > things and I FEEL these things and I HATE these things... > > Nada's constant manipulations of people, her constant backstabbing > of family and friends, her constant baiting of me and my failure for > letting it get to me... > > Does it ever get better? > > I know I have a lot of positive thoughts that I can employ to get > through this but I can't sleep right now and I'm so tired I've lost > everyone of the helpful things... > > How much more do I have to take? > > Lynnette > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 Hi Lynnette, Sounds like a rough night, a bad day. Sometimes it helps me to think " this was just one bad day, tomorrow is a new day. " Sounds corny, but it helps me. It sounds like you got hoovered back into the old ways. It happens to all of us. I had noticed you were posting more about spending time with nada lately and it didn't sound like it was all that much fun. From here, I would say you just reaffirm your boundaries with yourself. A couple that you might add to the list: don't be alone with nada, set a time limit on phone calls. I think both of these will save you some grief in the future. I know that it hurts that your mother can't be the mother that you wanted. I don't think this hurt will ever go away. But you have the choice to protect yourself from future hurt by parenting yourself and being strict with your boundaries. Love love love gs > > Hi Lynnette, > Ugh you sound so tired and drowning in despair. I'm sure you have > gone to bed. I never talk with my Nada at night ever. We screen > calls and just don't answer. I go to bed at 8:30 every night and my > family knows that 8:00 is my cut off for any reasonable response from > me. My husband as of late has really stepped up to the plate and > simply says to Nada " she's in bed " . My Nada scoffs and rudly points > out the time and calls him a liar without actually saying liar. He > just says well gotta go get kids to bed. He is still mostly the > golden boy so she doesn't go at it with him. I really know the > feeling you speak to about wanting her to go away. When my daughter > had her show and I saw how competent and grounded she was and how > secure, I remember crying just a little saying if they had just left > me alone, never mind the love piece if they had just left me alone how > might I be today? Well dear friend here's your chance to be left > alone and see who you might be without exerting all this wasted energy. > How will you set up your boundaries? > Also the whole assassination thing always makes me dissasociate so now > as soon as she starts I say well it sounds like we have our plans made > I have to go now and I hang up while she is in mid sentence. It works > for me. I have gone so far as to give her names of people in her life > who would love to hear about those things. > Sorry you had a rough go of it but all that you are learning just > needs more practice time and it will pay off. Sounds like you have > the strength to set the boundaries. > Sweet dreams > suebee > > -- In WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>, > " yp_lynnette_cameron_park " > wrote: > > > > why oh why do I think 'this time will be diffent'... I know > > better... I want to believe that this isn't the way it's going to be > > forever, even though this is how it's been forever... > > > > Nada's been in town for 9 days, was supposed to leave in the a.m. > > but now is staying indefinately (at least another week+) because my > > dad's brother had a stroke this a.m. and she's somehow insinuated > > herself back in to dad's good graces as the Savior of all mankind. > > > > She went to a family wedding this today (her ex-husbands family that > > is). I couldn't go because I had a class to co-teach so I just got > > off the phone with her (after 2 hours) during which time she ripped > > everyone to shreds about nonsense things (wardrobe, hair, chipped > > toe polish and tackiness) all this while I'm sure she played the > > grand long-lost-aunt who returns from the brink of death > > after 'recovering' from breast cancer (stage zero 99.7% cure rate, > > no chemo, no radiation mind you...) and her 'heartless and > > thoughtless daughter can't come to the wedding (mind you like she > > BARELY - gasp- helped with my winter of cancer!!!) because she's > > BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY > > YY. > > > > Then she started going after me on some stuff that she deams > > important that I've warned her off before. I said, 'it's one oclock > > in the morning and I'm not doing this with you right now. Please > > leave it alone. " I had to repeat myself 3times. Finally she > > said, 'FINE!!! " . I said, 'NO... not a huffy FINE... I'm serious... > > DROP THIS NOW " . Within 3 minutes she was yawning and claiming she > > had to go to bed. > > > > Then I started crying. I want my mother to go away. I want her to > > find some place else to be. Some place where she can just go do her > > own thing. I don't want to be even this accessible to her (she > > lives 3 hours away at present). > > > > I feel betrayed by my dad because, supposedly he cried and begged > > her to stay longer to help him out (????) cause it's his brother > > (sob, sniff, sniff - as relayed by Nada) and he needs HER! Now, I > > don't know if any of this is true... but it's screwing with my > > head. > > > > I need to get to bed. I have a HUGE week ahead of me and I can't be > > tired. I liked it a whole lot better when I didn't have these $%@#$% > > @^@$%#%@#$% emotions that sit there and look at me when they $#%@#$% > > decide too... when I could just put things in nice little matching > > sets of denial and shove them under the bed. Instead I SEE these > > things and I FEEL these things and I HATE these things... > > > > Nada's constant manipulations of people, her constant backstabbing > > of family and friends, her constant baiting of me and my failure for > > letting it get to me... > > > > Does it ever get better? > > > > I know I have a lot of positive thoughts that I can employ to get > > through this but I can't sleep right now and I'm so tired I've lost > > everyone of the helpful things... > > > > How much more do I have to take? > > > > Lynnette > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 " Drowning in despair " ... that about sums it up... I wish I had a " hero " to intervene on the phone for me... unfortunately I'm not married and SO is 5 hours away (we're working on that)... I feel so vulnerable right now... I can't figure out how to draw boundaries when she just walks right over them and attacks me... fences are useless when the bombs fly through the air... Lynnette > > > > why oh why do I think 'this time will be diffent'... I know > > better... I want to believe that this isn't the way it's going to be > > forever, even though this is how it's been forever... > > > > Nada's been in town for 9 days, was supposed to leave in the a.m. > > but now is staying indefinately (at least another week+) because my > > dad's brother had a stroke this a.m. and she's somehow insinuated > > herself back in to dad's good graces as the Savior of all mankind. > > > > She went to a family wedding this today (her ex-husbands family that > > is). I couldn't go because I had a class to co-teach so I just got > > off the phone with her (after 2 hours) during which time she ripped > > everyone to shreds about nonsense things (wardrobe, hair, chipped > > toe polish and tackiness) all this while I'm sure she played the > > grand long-lost-aunt who returns from the brink of death > > after 'recovering' from breast cancer (stage zero 99.7% cure rate, > > no chemo, no radiation mind you...) and her 'heartless and > > thoughtless daughter can't come to the wedding (mind you like she > > BARELY - gasp- helped with my winter of cancer!!!) because she's > > BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY > > YY. > > > > Then she started going after me on some stuff that she deams > > important that I've warned her off before. I said, 'it's one oclock > > in the morning and I'm not doing this with you right now. Please > > leave it alone. " I had to repeat myself 3times. Finally she > > said, 'FINE!!! " . I said, 'NO... not a huffy FINE... I'm serious... > > DROP THIS NOW " . Within 3 minutes she was yawning and claiming she > > had to go to bed. > > > > Then I started crying. I want my mother to go away. I want her to > > find some place else to be. Some place where she can just go do her > > own thing. I don't want to be even this accessible to her (she > > lives 3 hours away at present). > > > > I feel betrayed by my dad because, supposedly he cried and begged > > her to stay longer to help him out (????) cause it's his brother > > (sob, sniff, sniff - as relayed by Nada) and he needs HER! Now, I > > don't know if any of this is true... but it's screwing with my > > head. > > > > I need to get to bed. I have a HUGE week ahead of me and I can't be > > tired. I liked it a whole lot better when I didn't have these $% @#$% > > @^@$%#%@#$% emotions that sit there and look at me when they $#% @#$% > > decide too... when I could just put things in nice little matching > > sets of denial and shove them under the bed. Instead I SEE these > > things and I FEEL these things and I HATE these things... > > > > Nada's constant manipulations of people, her constant backstabbing > > of family and friends, her constant baiting of me and my failure for > > letting it get to me... > > > > Does it ever get better? > > > > I know I have a lot of positive thoughts that I can employ to get > > through this but I can't sleep right now and I'm so tired I've lost > > everyone of the helpful things... > > > > How much more do I have to take? > > > > Lynnette > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 Nada is in town and wanting to 'be' with us... I'm trying to just 'suck it up' (why? I don't know) but this is more time I've spent with her since November... and, obviously, it's not healthy for me. I'll be calling my therapist in the a.m. to see what to do... I wholey anticipate that (because I have a pool and dad's AC is on the fritz and it's 105 up here today) she'll be over here... and for health reasons, I can't tell her NO in good conscious. I'm pretty unstrung, even after 7 hours of semi-sleep... I was looking forward to her leaving this a.m... the finish line of torture of my spirit for awhile... but alas, NO... she's managed to stay again... if she hates me and this area and my dad so much... why the #$%@%$ does she stay? Lynnette > > > > > > why oh why do I think 'this time will be diffent'... I know > > > better... I want to believe that this isn't the way it's going to be > > > forever, even though this is how it's been forever... > > > > > > Nada's been in town for 9 days, was supposed to leave in the a.m. > > > but now is staying indefinately (at least another week+) because my > > > dad's brother had a stroke this a.m. and she's somehow insinuated > > > herself back in to dad's good graces as the Savior of all mankind. > > > > > > She went to a family wedding this today (her ex-husbands family that > > > is). I couldn't go because I had a class to co-teach so I just got > > > off the phone with her (after 2 hours) during which time she ripped > > > everyone to shreds about nonsense things (wardrobe, hair, chipped > > > toe polish and tackiness) all this while I'm sure she played the > > > grand long-lost-aunt who returns from the brink of death > > > after 'recovering' from breast cancer (stage zero 99.7% cure rate, > > > no chemo, no radiation mind you...) and her 'heartless and > > > thoughtless daughter can't come to the wedding (mind you like she > > > BARELY - gasp- helped with my winter of cancer!!!) because she's > > > BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY > > > YY. > > > > > > Then she started going after me on some stuff that she deams > > > important that I've warned her off before. I said, 'it's one oclock > > > in the morning and I'm not doing this with you right now. Please > > > leave it alone. " I had to repeat myself 3times. Finally she > > > said, 'FINE!!! " . I said, 'NO... not a huffy FINE... I'm serious... > > > DROP THIS NOW " . Within 3 minutes she was yawning and claiming she > > > had to go to bed. > > > > > > Then I started crying. I want my mother to go away. I want her to > > > find some place else to be. Some place where she can just go do her > > > own thing. I don't want to be even this accessible to her (she > > > lives 3 hours away at present). > > > > > > I feel betrayed by my dad because, supposedly he cried and begged > > > her to stay longer to help him out (????) cause it's his brother > > > (sob, sniff, sniff - as relayed by Nada) and he needs HER! Now, I > > > don't know if any of this is true... but it's screwing with my > > > head. > > > > > > I need to get to bed. I have a HUGE week ahead of me and I can't be > > > tired. I liked it a whole lot better when I didn't have these $ %@#$% > > > @^@$%#%@#$% emotions that sit there and look at me when they $#%@#$% > > > decide too... when I could just put things in nice little matching > > > sets of denial and shove them under the bed. Instead I SEE these > > > things and I FEEL these things and I HATE these things... > > > > > > Nada's constant manipulations of people, her constant backstabbing > > > of family and friends, her constant baiting of me and my failure for > > > letting it get to me... > > > > > > Does it ever get better? > > > > > > I know I have a lot of positive thoughts that I can employ to get > > > through this but I can't sleep right now and I'm so tired I've lost > > > everyone of the helpful things... > > > > > > How much more do I have to take? > > > > > > Lynnette > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 Lynnette, You gave me such great advice last night about being a beautiful flower, but our roots do start out in dirt. Honestly you being with your mother, like me being with mine, is like returning to the dirt. Dirt isn't pretty, but it serves a purpose. At times I do wonder what purpose, maybe to make us stronger. Nevertheless I think you received some good advice here today. I always tell my daughter whenever she has something terrible to deal, to remember nothing last forever. I really think you need to determine how much of a boundary do you want to make. I know how hard this all is and I have such empathy for you. Keep posting to us and get your feelings out. You have a kind heart, and you are so insightful....so use those wonderful characteristics to help you determine what you want to do. Remember when and if you are not around...nada will find someone else to fall back on. Many blessings, Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , Colette wrote: > > Hi Lynnette, > I always ask myself the same question when I crack at the NC and answer a mail from nada hoping that maybe, just maybe, this time something positive will happen. But no like clockwork all the negativity resurfaces and I berate myself for once again falling into the trap. Then I sleep badly with nightmares, feel like my brain's a sponge, get sick and havoc appears all around me. The greatest blessing is as the only contact point is by mail ( through my sisters) I don't have to hear live her bullet comments which fly out of nowhere, usuually when I'm feeling O.K. about myself, or the nasty, nasty things she says about people behind their backs ; a cousin refused to invite nada to her wedding as she'd heard what she'd said behind her back, though nada's version was " I sent such a lovely gift and F didn't have even the good manners to phone me and invite me to her wedding, what would her lovely dead mother M think of her behaviour? " > Does this ever end? After 10 years of consciously working on myself, 7 in therepy, things are much, much better with distance, NC was the best but I'm weak and now answer a mail every month or so, frightened she might die without me knowing, sometimes I feel like we're woven somewhere and I need distance to unravel, though when I'm really down and in despair my tears ask the same question. > Lots of love > TC > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 At times it saddens me and other times it angers me that I was brought into this world because a selfish woman didn't want to be alone so she had a child who she thought would take care of her and love her forever. She used all her power in the world to destroy my sense of self and independence for her own selfish purpose >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Bells clanging. Does anyone else have a finely tuned sense of irony? I like to think that I do. Reading this just crystalized what it is that makes me so sad about my relationship with my nada. She wants a dutiful daughter and has done everything possible to create the caretaker she thinks she deserves. What she doesn't get is that she has destroyed the very thing that would have gotten a dutiful daughter in the first place, my respect. She is her own worst enemy. What is worse is that many of the nadas on this board continue to viciously plow ahead in trying to shape dishrag sons and daughters to take care of them and love them in their old age, never realizing that their actions are having the opposite affect. Irony, ya gotta love it. Be strong Re: up late and in tears , I read your post and I can't help but think how much damage is done that we never really find peace and a place where we can just let it all go. I too feel like I'm attached and can't break free, even if it is hanging on by the tiniest thread. At times it saddens me and other times it angers me that I was brought into this world because a selfish woman didn't want to be alone so she had a child who she thought would take care of her and love her forever. She used all her power in the world to destroy my sense of self and independence for her own selfish purpose and I honestly don't know if I will ever be whole because of it. I can only hope that with time I can let go of the anger. Maybe then, the deep sense of loss and " if only " will finally ease. Abby D > > Hi Lynnette, > I always ask myself the same question when I crack at the NC and answer a mail from nada hoping that maybe, just maybe, this time something positive will happen. But no like clockwork all the negativity resurfaces and I berate myself for once again falling into the trap. Then I sleep badly with nightmares, feel like my brain's a sponge, get sick and havoc appears all around me. The greatest blessing is as the only contact point is by mail ( through my sisters) I don't have to hear live her bullet comments which fly out of nowhere, usuually when I'm feeling O.K. about myself, or the nasty, nasty things she says about people behind their backs ; a cousin refused to invite nada to her wedding as she'd heard what she'd said behind her back, though nada's version was " I sent such a lovely gift and F didn't have even the good manners to phone me and invite me to her wedding, what would her lovely dead mother M think of her behaviour? " > Does this ever end? After 10 years of consciously working on myself, 7 in therepy, things are much, much better with distance, NC was the best but I'm weak and now answer a mail every month or so, frightened she might die without me knowing, sometimes I feel like we're woven somewhere and I need distance to unravel, though when I'm really down and in despair my tears ask the same question. > Lots of love > TC > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 Yup...and WE were the ones who were told again and again that WE were selfish, spoiled brats. The truth will set you free. > > > > Hi Lynnette, > > I always ask myself the same question when I crack at the NC and > answer a mail from nada hoping that maybe, just maybe, this time > something positive will happen. But no like clockwork all the > negativity resurfaces and I berate myself for once again falling into > the trap. Then I sleep badly with nightmares, feel like my brain's a > sponge, get sick and havoc appears all around me. The greatest > blessing is as the only contact point is by mail ( through my > sisters) I don't have to hear live her bullet comments which fly out > of nowhere, usuually when I'm feeling O.K. about myself, or the > nasty, nasty things she says about people behind their backs ; a > cousin refused to invite nada to her wedding as she'd heard what > she'd said behind her back, though nada's version was " I sent such a > lovely gift and F didn't have even the good manners to phone me and > invite me to her wedding, what would her lovely dead mother M think > of her behaviour? " > > Does this ever end? After 10 years of consciously working on > myself, 7 in therepy, things are much, much better with distance, NC > was the best but I'm weak and now answer a mail every month or so, > frightened she might die without me knowing, sometimes I feel like > we're woven somewhere and I need distance to unravel, though when I'm > really down and in despair my tears ask the same question. > > Lots of love > > TC > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 > > > > Hi Abbi > > Sometimes I feel that the pain will lessen but never go away. > Somebody asked " will this ever go away? " I wish it would but given > the love in my heart, I don't think so. I could never not love my > mother for being my mother, and at the same time not like her for > being how she is. Strange this illness that we call BPD, for me it's > a sickness of sensibility, I relate to much that you all say, though > I think mine was what is termed a " high fonctioning mother " god how I > hate terms. We never had the shower problem, it was the opposite, had > to be superclean so the neighbours would see what a wonderful mother > she was, we were always well dressed, but only as she thought best, > gosh I feel like such a bad daughter talking bad about her, forgive > me, even here it's difficult. Does anyone else feel that they need to > comunicate from a point of compassion, I'm having a lot of problems > venting. > > TC > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 The high-functioning ones do so much damage to their respective families. They are amazing actors. My nada/fada are sooo nice and considerate to everyone in public: perfect hosts, good listeners, very tolerant, remember to send cards/flowers for every BD, always send thank you notes. Yet behind closed doors, there were frequent emotional storms: raging, threats, martyrdom, blame, and misery. No teacher, relative, or friend would have believed me had I told them about my home-life. Only my sister can validate these bad experiences. (I'm glad I wasn't an only child.) > > > > > > Hi Abbi > > > Sometimes I feel that the pain will lessen but never go away. > > Somebody asked " will this ever go away? " I wish it would but given > > the love in my heart, I don't think so. I could never not love my > > mother for being my mother, and at the same time not like her for > > being how she is. Strange this illness that we call BPD, for me > it's > > a sickness of sensibility, I relate to much that you all say, > though > > I think mine was what is termed a " high fonctioning mother " god > how I > > hate terms. We never had the shower problem, it was the opposite, > had > > to be superclean so the neighbours would see what a wonderful > mother > > she was, we were always well dressed, but only as she thought > best, > > gosh I feel like such a bad daughter talking bad about her, > forgive > > me, even here it's difficult. Does anyone else feel that they need > to > > comunicate from a point of compassion, I'm having a lot of > problems > > venting. > > > TC > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 (nodding head, too tired to cry)... I was an only child of a single mom... As her boyfriends came and went, I was always there...hundreds, sometimes thouusands, of miles from 'the core' family... no contact with my dad... My own private hell. And no one would have believed me either... mom would move us when she burned another bridge... Lynnette > > > > > > > > Hi Abbi > > > > Sometimes I feel that the pain will lessen but never go away. > > > Somebody asked " will this ever go away? " I wish it would but given > > > the love in my heart, I don't think so. I could never not love my > > > mother for being my mother, and at the same time not like her for > > > being how she is. Strange this illness that we call BPD, for me > > it's > > > a sickness of sensibility, I relate to much that you all say, > > though > > > I think mine was what is termed a " high fonctioning mother " god > > how I > > > hate terms. We never had the shower problem, it was the opposite, > > had > > > to be superclean so the neighbours would see what a wonderful > > mother > > > she was, we were always well dressed, but only as she thought > > best, > > > gosh I feel like such a bad daughter talking bad about her, > > forgive > > > me, even here it's difficult. Does anyone else feel that they need > > to > > > comunicate from a point of compassion, I'm having a lot of > > problems > > > venting. > > > > TC > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Reading through these posts I've been thinking to myself that I really didn't have anything half as bad as many have posted. My parents were fairly decent but had some " oddities " . Nothing so traumatic as not being allowed to bathe or being screamed at frequently. I guess my parents must have been high functioning. They did other kinds of things... little things like oh, once I remember practicing for softball [i was a catcher] and my dad made me sit in my uniform while he threw softballs at my face [i had a mask on] and I wasn't allowed to catch them or stop them in any way]. That was his way of being sure I wasn't afraid of the ball. Both my parents had a martyr syndrome. I often caught my mom reading my diary and then, when I would get angry, she'd say " Well, you should never write anything down unless you read it first. " *sigh* But in public and typically at home, things were fairly normal. Although I can remember shouting at my mom in pre-teen years about how she was so " fakey-nice " to my grandparents [her in-laws] when they came over but she was so mean before and after they were there. Boy did I get it for that... The weird thing is that the really " off " behavior didn't start until I was in my later high school years. And try explaining it to people then! Especially people in my family. My mom sort of went off the deep end in January [prompting me to move out and start therapy]. For a good two months I tried to convince my grandmother [her mother] and my aunt [her younger sister] that something was really wrong but to no avail. My grandmother actually took to hanging up on me when I'd call. [she has a cradle phone, one of the old rotaries, and I would call and leave a message, then call back about ten minutes later and I'd hear the phone pick up and then drop down, then a disconnect signal. So I'd call back again, thinking she dropped the phone and the same thing would happen.] Now my mom is calling them, showing up at their places, and leaving nasty messages saying nasty things. When I politely say " I told you so " they throw their hands up in the air, act as though I couldn't possibly understand or appreciate the trouble this is causing in *their* lives, and then go on and on about how they're too busy or too old [73] to take care of this themselves. My aunt is a little more supportive, she keeps saying, " Just keep living your life and let her worry about hers. " but my grandmother! UGH! She keeps asking me what *I'M* going to do to fix this issue for her. So much for being the great matriarch of the family. > > > > > > > > > > Hi Abbi > > > > > Sometimes I feel that the pain will lessen but never go > away. > > > > Somebody asked " will this ever go away? " I wish it would but > given > > > > the love in my heart, I don't think so. I could never not love > my > > > > mother for being my mother, and at the same time not like her > for > > > > being how she is. Strange this illness that we call BPD, for > me > > > it's > > > > a sickness of sensibility, I relate to much that you all say, > > > though > > > > I think mine was what is termed a " high fonctioning mother " > god > > > how I > > > > hate terms. We never had the shower problem, it was the > opposite, > > > had > > > > to be superclean so the neighbours would see what a wonderful > > > mother > > > > she was, we were always well dressed, but only as she thought > > > best, > > > > gosh I feel like such a bad daughter talking bad about her, > > > forgive > > > > me, even here it's difficult. Does anyone else feel that they > need > > > to > > > > comunicate from a point of compassion, I'm having a lot of > > > problems > > > > venting. > > > > > TC > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Hi , lovely supportive message, thanks. I was reading about father's roles somewhere and so much made sense, the " your father's all that I have, keep quiet or you'll kill him " the jealousy and rivality was incomprehensible. Once he cried and she stormed into my room and said " none of your daughters are worth that " his reply was " all of my daughters are worth that " . So there was him absorbing her energy and sometimes him being himself, also totally confusing. As to rages,( she never shouted, just changed the tone and intensity) I finally realised that they were internalised rages, an internal explosion that whisked out in radioactive spikes, usually this preceded an accident as if I'd absorbed a negative magnetic storm energy. Distance does not seem to be an obstacle, though it's easier without updates. Hugs TC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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