up late and in tears

[Guest guest]

Hi Lynnette,

I always ask myself the same question when I crack at the NC and answer a mail

from nada hoping that maybe, just maybe, this time something positive will

happen. But no like clockwork all the negativity resurfaces and I berate myself

for once again falling into the trap. Then I sleep badly with nightmares, feel

like my brain's a sponge, get sick and havoc appears all around me. The greatest

blessing is as the only contact point is by mail ( through my sisters) I don't

have to hear live her bullet comments which fly out of nowhere, usuually when

I'm feeling O.K. about myself, or the nasty, nasty things she says about people

behind their backs ; a cousin refused to invite nada to her wedding as she'd

heard what she'd said behind her back, though nada's version was " I sent such a

lovely gift and F didn't have even the good manners to phone me and invite me to

her wedding, what would her lovely dead mother M think of her behaviour? "

Does this ever end? After 10 years of consciously working on myself, 7 in

therepy, things are much, much better with distance, NC was the best but I'm

weak and now answer a mail every month or so, frightened she might die without

me knowing, sometimes I feel like we're woven somewhere and I need distance to

unravel, though when I'm really down and in despair my tears ask the same

question.

Lots of love

TC