Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Welcome to the grown up's table, pull up a chair and sit a spell. Maybe in some way your journey may help your nada have the strength to question her motivations and seek help. Stranger things have happened. Be strong Not sure how I feel? I had a private moment with nada 2 nights ago. She brought up, after knowing I had gone to therapy that day, how she and my father never wanted and still don't want to let me go. Then she asked did I ever tell my therapist about that? My first response was, this is my therapy session so it isn't about you, but me. I continued to say, I have discussed the hold she wants on me. I told her it isn't healthy for me. I am entitled to my life, we don't have children to hold to them, like our possession. Nada did not get crazy or even rant or rage. We talked about her childhood and were her thoughts about holding on to our children came from. We talked about again... that not being healthy. We also talked about how I am letting my daughter go...and giving her the support to have boundaries with me. I told mother, though this framework of holding on to your children and your children should take care of their parents- may have been in several generations back, it is going to end with me and my daughter. I wasn't disrespectful. ..I just said, that thhis type of thinking doesn't work for me, and I won't pass that thinking on to my daughter. Nada response was- I have learned alot from what you tell me. It was very interesting. ...I don't know what nada got out of it, but it just made my voice that was silenced for so long- stronger. Bottom line- I want this legacy of craziness to stop and if my daughter has children, may their future be brighter and healthier. Malinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 , Thank you....it feels a little funny sitting at the grown up's table. Maybe my journey did help nada in some way, but I know it definitely helped me. For the longest time I wanted to change nada....no more this is finally about me. http://im.live.com/Messenger/IM/Join/Default.aspx?source=EML_WL_ MakeCount Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 ---I am going to respond to my own post....this is why I am not sure how I feel about anything that deals with nada. After fairly healthy conversation with nada on Monday which I wrote about in this post. Nada calls tonight being rude to my father and complaining about everything...the negative energy was flowing from her... So... not sure how I feel, why- because of this constant roller coaster we share with BP in our lives. Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , " maparise17 " wrote: > > I had a private moment with nada 2 nights ago. She brought up, after > knowing I had gone to therapy that day, how she and my father never > wanted and still don't want to let me go. Then she asked did I ever > tell my therapist about that? > > My first response was, this is my therapy session so it isn't > about you, but me. I continued to say, I have discussed the hold she > wants on me. I told her it isn't healthy for me. I am entitled to my > life, we don't have children to hold to them, like our possession. > > Nada did not get crazy or even rant or rage. We talked about her > childhood and were her thoughts about holding on to our children came > from. We talked about again... that not being healthy. We also talked > about how I am letting my daughter go...and giving her the support to > have boundaries with me. I told mother, though this framework of > holding on to your children and your children should take care of > their parents- may have been in several generations back, it is going > to end with me and my daughter. > > I wasn't disrespectful...I just said, that thhis type of > thinking doesn't work for me, and I won't pass that thinking on to my > daughter. > > Nada response was- I have learned alot from what you tell me. > It was very interesting....I don't know what nada got out of it, > but it just made my voice that was silenced for so long- stronger. > > Bottom line- I want this legacy of craziness to stop and if my > daughter has children, may their future be brighter and healthier. > > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Hi Sweet Malinda, I'm now reading Lost in the Mirror. I'm on page 24. The book so far talks a lot about memory. BPDs compartmentalize their memories so that they may not be able to remember cooking and eating a hot dog at home one day in the context of having bought a hot dog from a hot dog stand on another day (no idea where that example came from, I've been a vegetarian since 13). Anyway, the intense emotions they feel also damages their ability to remember. Actually, the constant intense emotions of the disorder cause their hypothalmus to shrink which causes them memory damage. So, the are basically damaging their own brains by not seeking help. Where I'm going with this is, that the mother who called you tonight may not even remember the tender conversation that you had. So, I think if you are going to stay in peaceful contact with her, you may have to realize that she is a completely different person in one moment compared to the next moment based on what that part of her brain remembers and splitting. It's sad, but they have a choice. They can seek help. My father used to say to me over and over " she is X years old, she is never going to change. " I disagree with his statement, I know that people can grow and change at any age if they choose to do so. Hugs and I hope my rambling makes some sense, gs > > ---I am going to respond to my own post....this is why I am not sure > how I feel about anything that deals with nada. After fairly healthy > conversation with nada on Monday which I wrote about in this post. > Nada calls tonight being rude to my father and complaining about > everything...the negative energy was flowing from her... > > So... not sure how I feel, why- because of this constant roller > coaster we share with BP in our lives. > > Malinda > > In WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>, > " maparise17 " > wrote: > > > > I had a private moment with nada 2 nights ago. She brought up, > after > > knowing I had gone to therapy that day, how she and my father never > > wanted and still don't want to let me go. Then she asked did I ever > > tell my therapist about that? > > > > My first response was, this is my therapy session so it isn't > > about you, but me. I continued to say, I have discussed the hold > she > > wants on me. I told her it isn't healthy for me. I am entitled to > my > > life, we don't have children to hold to them, like our possession. > > > > Nada did not get crazy or even rant or rage. We talked about > her > > childhood and were her thoughts about holding on to our children > came > > from. We talked about again... that not being healthy. We also > talked > > about how I am letting my daughter go...and giving her the support > to > > have boundaries with me. I told mother, though this framework of > > holding on to your children and your children should take care of > > their parents- may have been in several generations back, it is > going > > to end with me and my daughter. > > > > I wasn't disrespectful...I just said, that thhis type of > > thinking doesn't work for me, and I won't pass that thinking on to > my > > daughter. > > > > Nada response was- I have learned alot from what you tell me. > > It was very interesting....I don't know what nada got out of it, > > but it just made my voice that was silenced for so long- stronger. > > > > Bottom line- I want this legacy of craziness to stop and if > my > > daughter has children, may their future be brighter and healthier. > > > > Malinda > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Yes, there is evidence that even though it seems like they are out & out lying, they aren't aware of it. They compartmentalize their thoughts & emotions in order to survive and literally can't remember which reality is true, theirs or yours. GS said: " My father used to say to me over and over " she is X years old, she is never going to change. " I disagree with his statement, I know that people can grow and change at any age if they choose to do so. " It makes me SO angry that I can hear my nada contain herself when talking to her. I *know* that she knows when she loses her temper it's not right. I can hear the frustration in her voice when she tries to keep herself from screaming. I've also seen her do this in person and it's amazing to watch her try to not explode. And yet, she still does.. That means she can contain herself but chooses not to. That pisses me off to no end. In some part of her head she knows she needs help but refuses it. She knows what's right & wrong. She might not be aware of it all the time but still! argh!!! Amy Re: Re: Not sure how I feel? Hi Sweet Malinda, I'm now reading Lost in the Mirror. I'm on page 24. The book so far talks a lot about memory. BPDs compartmentalize their memories so that they may not be able to remember cooking and eating a hot dog at home one day in the context of having bought a hot dog from a hot dog stand on another day (no idea where that example came from, I've been a vegetarian since 13). Anyway, the intense emotions they feel also damages their ability to remember. Actually, the constant intense emotions of the disorder cause their hypothalmus to shrink which causes them memory damage. So, the are basically damaging their own brains by not seeking help. Where I'm going with this is, that the mother who called you tonight may not even remember the tender conversation that you had. So, I think if you are going to stay in peaceful contact with her, you may have to realize that she is a completely different person in one moment compared to the next moment based on what that part of her brain remembers and splitting. It's sad, but they have a choice. They can seek help. My father used to say to me over and over " she is X years old, she is never going to change. " I disagree with his statement, I know that people can grow and change at any age if they choose to do so. Hugs and I hope my rambling makes some sense, gs On 5/21/08, maparise17 <malinda024hotmail (DOT) com> wrote: > > ---I am going to respond to my own post....this is why I am not sure > how I feel about anything that deals with nada. After fairly healthy > conversation with nada on Monday which I wrote about in this post. > Nada calls tonight being rude to my father and complaining about > everything.. .the negative energy was flowing from her... > > So... not sure how I feel, why- because of this constant roller > coaster we share with BP in our lives. > > Malinda > > In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com <WTOAdultChildren1% 40yahoogroups. com>, > " maparise17 " <malinda024@ ...> > wrote: > > > > I had a private moment with nada 2 nights ago. She brought up, > after > > knowing I had gone to therapy that day, how she and my father never > > wanted and still don't want to let me go. Then she asked did I ever > > tell my therapist about that? > > > > My first response was, this is my therapy session so it isn't > > about you, but me. I continued to say, I have discussed the hold > she > > wants on me. I told her it isn't healthy for me. I am entitled to > my > > life, we don't have children to hold to them, like our possession. > > > > Nada did not get crazy or even rant or rage. We talked about > her > > childhood and were her thoughts about holding on to our children > came > > from. We talked about again... that not being healthy. We also > talked > > about how I am letting my daughter go...and giving her the support > to > > have boundaries with me. I told mother, though this framework of > > holding on to your children and your children should take care of > > their parents- may have been in several generations back, it is > going > > to end with me and my daughter. > > > > I wasn't disrespectful. ..I just said, that thhis type of > > thinking doesn't work for me, and I won't pass that thinking on to > my > > daughter. > > > > Nada response was- I have learned alot from what you tell me. > > It was very interesting. ...I don't know what nada got out of it, > > but it just made my voice that was silenced for so long- stronger. > > > > Bottom line- I want this legacy of craziness to stop and if > my > > daughter has children, may their future be brighter and healthier. > > > > Malinda > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 Ditto, What the hell bitch would kill their child's spirit versis changing themselves. It's unforgivable, but I have another thread started on that so I will stop. > > Yes, there is evidence that even though it seems like they are out & out > lying, they aren't aware of it. They compartmentalize their thoughts & > emotions in order to survive and literally can't remember which reality is > true, theirs or yours. > GS said: > " My father used to say to me over and > over " she is X years old, she is never going to change. " I disagree with > his > statement, I know that people can grow and change at any age if they choose > to do so. " > It makes me SO angry that I can hear my nada contain herself when talking > to her. I *know* that she knows when she loses her temper it's not > right. I can hear the frustration in her voice when she tries to keep > herself from screaming. I've also seen her do this in person and it's > amazing to watch her try to not explode. > And yet, she still does.. That means she can contain herself but chooses > not to. That pisses me off to no end. In some part of her head she knows > she needs help but refuses it. She knows what's right & wrong. She might > not be aware of it all the time but still! argh!!! > Amy > > > > > Re: Re: Not sure how I feel? > > > Hi Sweet Malinda, I'm now reading Lost in the Mirror. I'm on page 24. The > book so far talks a lot about memory. BPDs compartmentalize their memories > so that they may not be able to remember cooking and eating a hot dog at > home one day in the context of having bought a hot dog from a hot dog stand > on another day (no idea where that example came from, I've been a > vegetarian > since 13). Anyway, the intense emotions they feel also damages their > ability > to remember. Actually, the constant intense emotions of the disorder cause > their hypothalmus to shrink which causes them memory damage. So, the are > basically damaging their own brains by not seeking help. > > Where I'm going with this is, that the mother who called you tonight may > not > even remember the tender conversation that you had. So, I think if you are > going to stay in peaceful contact with her, you may have to realize that > she > is a completely different person in one moment compared to the next moment > based on what that part of her brain remembers and splitting. It's sad, but > they have a choice. They can seek help. My father used to say to me over > and > over " she is X years old, she is never going to change. " I disagree with > his > statement, I know that people can grow and change at any age if they choose > to do so. > > Hugs and I hope my rambling makes some sense, gs > > On 5/21/08, maparise17 <malinda024hotmail (DOT) com> wrote: > > > > ---I am going to respond to my own post....this is why I am not sure > > how I feel about anything that deals with nada. After fairly healthy > > conversation with nada on Monday which I wrote about in this post. > > Nada calls tonight being rude to my father and complaining about > > everything.. .the negative energy was flowing from her... > > > > So... not sure how I feel, why- because of this constant roller > > coaster we share with BP in our lives. > > > > Malinda > > > > In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com <WTOAdultChildren1% > 40yahoogroups. com>, > > " maparise17 " <malinda024@ ...> > > wrote: > > > > > > I had a private moment with nada 2 nights ago. She brought up, > > after > > > knowing I had gone to therapy that day, how she and my father never > > > wanted and still don't want to let me go. Then she asked did I ever > > > tell my therapist about that? > > > > > > My first response was, this is my therapy session so it isn't > > > about you, but me. I continued to say, I have discussed the hold > > she > > > wants on me. I told her it isn't healthy for me. I am entitled to > > my > > > life, we don't have children to hold to them, like our possession. > > > > > > Nada did not get crazy or even rant or rage. We talked about > > her > > > childhood and were her thoughts about holding on to our children > > came > > > from. We talked about again... that not being healthy. We also > > talked > > > about how I am letting my daughter go...and giving her the support > > to > > > have boundaries with me. I told mother, though this framework of > > > holding on to your children and your children should take care of > > > their parents- may have been in several generations back, it is > > going > > > to end with me and my daughter. > > > > > > I wasn't disrespectful. ..I just said, that thhis type of > > > thinking doesn't work for me, and I won't pass that thinking on to > > my > > > daughter. > > > > > > Nada response was- I have learned alot from what you tell me. > > > It was very interesting. ...I don't know what nada got out of it, > > > but it just made my voice that was silenced for so long- stronger. > > > > > > Bottom line- I want this legacy of craziness to stop and if > > my > > > daughter has children, may their future be brighter and healthier. > > > > > > Malinda > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 I love the anger in your response, GS. Very therapeutic for me right now to hear someone get appropriately angry. (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2008 Report Share Posted May 21, 2008 I don't understand how they feel when they want to never let go of someone...meanwhile, destroying that persons independent life. Without caring that they are doing so. And I don't understand " holding " children like possessions. What insights, if any did she give you? I don't get it. And I get darn sick of it...the right they feel to control our lives as if we are non-people. I hate my mother. And this is probably the main reason for that hate. She's like a toddler with a toy. That she doesn't really want to bother with and tries to put it down. Until, she thinksthat another toddler might want it (r it might get away somehow) Suddently she wants the toy It's just ownership. so sad. Because, it's not love at all. Yet, like with my NADA, that's what she calls her insane attempts at taking my life out of my own hands... " LOVE " Ya, that's all I need, my life dangling precaroiusly from her self absorbed claws! No thanks. > > I had a private moment with nada 2 nights ago. She brought up, after > knowing I had gone to therapy that day, how she and my father never > wanted and still don't want to let me go. Then she asked did I ever > tell my therapist about that? > > My first response was, this is my therapy session so it isn't > about you, but me. I continued to say, I have discussed the hold she > wants on me. I told her it isn't healthy for me. I am entitled to my > life, we don't have children to hold to them, like our possession. > > Nada did not get crazy or even rant or rage. We talked about her > childhood and were her thoughts about holding on to our children came > from. We talked about again... that not being healthy. We also talked > about how I am letting my daughter go...and giving her the support to > have boundaries with me. I told mother, though this framework of > holding on to your children and your children should take care of > their parents- may have been in several generations back, it is going > to end with me and my daughter. > > I wasn't disrespectful...I just said, that thhis type of > thinking doesn't work for me, and I won't pass that thinking on to my > daughter. > > Nada response was- I have learned alot from what you tell me. > It was very interesting....I don't know what nada got out of it, > but it just made my voice that was silenced for so long- stronger. > > Bottom line- I want this legacy of craziness to stop and if my > daughter has children, may their future be brighter and healthier. > > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.