Re: overcoming the pain

[Guest guest]

You don't owe her a thing. You are the child and she is the mother. She is

the one who owes you. If she won't control her behavior, you have to protect

yourself and ESPECIALLY your kids.

>

> For years I've been frustrated because I've tried to get some kind of

> an acknowledgement from my mother -- not about all of the crap she did

> but for one specific life altering incident. She cannot or will not

> ever admit that she ever did anything wrong. Instead, she lies and

> make up new reasons for why she is not to blame.

>

> The bottom line is that I feel I need this closure to move on and will

> never get it. I'm stuck because I feel that she has absolutely nothing

> to offer me in a relationship but i'm not sure i'm doing the right

> thing for my children in cutting her off. We have gone for periods of

> being cut off and now i'm not sure if i have some responsibility to

> keep her away from my kids or keep her there b/c she is their

> grandmother. They are 2 and 4.

>

> Has anyone felt this way and gotten past it? How? thanks.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have felt similarly, it is a tough place to be. I think that knowing

you will never get the recognition that you need from that person for

what they did or allowed to happen is a kind of closure in itself. I

think that article someone posted about making their part of your life

smaller and all the other parts bigger is really good advice, so that

eventually they don't have much presence in your life. There are

things that people do that are dealbreakers, as you know. It sounds

like this may be one of them.

[Guest guest]

When you are dealing with an irrational person, you have to accept that they

create a reality where nothing they do is their fault. I have confronted my nada

with some of the things that were done to me growing up, but I have to do in a

sideways manner. I cannot do it directly or she goes into shutdown. Now instead

of asking for a reason, I tell her what happened and that I remember it and that

it hurt me. I am uninterested in her acknowledgement or her apology. This is my

truth and I know it happened the way it did. It has allowed me to validate

myself instead of looking to her for validation.. I will never get it from her.

She will never say she was wrong. She will just start crying and try and

distract me from the point I am making. Screw that. She doesn't bring up the

past as much as she used to, because she knows I will tell her what really

happened and that is that.

Be strong

overcoming the pain

For years I've been frustrated because I've tried to get some kind of

an acknowledgement from my mother -- not about all of the crap she did

but for one specific life altering incident. She cannot or will not

ever admit that she ever did anything wrong. Instead, she lies and

make up new reasons for why she is not to blame.

The bottom line is that I feel I need this closure to move on and will

never get it. I'm stuck because I feel that she has absolutely nothing

to offer me in a relationship but i'm not sure i'm doing the right

thing for my children in cutting her off. We have gone for periods of

being cut off and now i'm not sure if i have some responsibility to

keep her away from my kids or keep her there b/c she is their

grandmother. They are 2 and 4.

Has anyone felt this way and gotten past it? How? thanks.

[Guest guest]

Do not doubt for a moment that you are doing the right thing keeping

your children away from her. She will treat them the same way she

treated you, or worse. They need her like they need holes in their

heads, and they need YOU to protect them. Feeling as though you owe

your children this relationship (with an unbalanced person) denies the

true nature of your BP mother and belies the fact of how brainwashed

and unsure of yourself she has you. Don't let your kids be the

bargaining chip, for that's what they'll be if she is allowed to have

any relationship with them.