Re: therapist role in nc or not

[Guest guest]

I think NC was seen differently in the psych community back then

(late 80s). Also, I had been diagnosed as BP myself - which I now

seriously question since 1) I recognized at age 22 that I was

causing a lot of the problems in my interpersonal relationships -

not likely in someone with BP at any age, 2) After a couple years of

therapy/meds, I was able to have satisfactory friendships & work

relationships, no depression, and in general have a lot of empathy

for others and 3) I now see the pervasive effect that " fleas " can

have. I think the base assumption was that I was instigating a

smear campaign against nada.

> > >

> > > Clanging bells all over the place. Does anyone else spend an

> > inordinant amount of time going over events created by the

> > BPD/NPDs in their heads, because God help me I do? It is like a

> > groove that I can't pop out of. I look at the event from all

> angles,

> > first to determine whether or not I am over reacting, then I try

to

> > decide if I should do something about it, then I find myself

trying

> > to work out the anger and betrayal, then I move on to

preventative

> > measures for the next event. Is this a normal sequence to try

and

> > process the information or is this part of the pathology? Has

> anyone

> > discussed this with their Therapist? If I could spend even half

> this

> > time on my projects I'd be published by now. Yikes.

> > > Be strong

> > >

[Guest guest]

>

> Interesting. Have other people experienced the same with therapists

> who tell you to try to work it out and be more understanding of the

> bp? I think I'm fortunate to have a therapist who understands me

and

> bpd. She told me that one day I may decide not to have any contact

> with nada and that is understandable. She said I have every right

to

> do that.

>

>

>

I went into therapy this time just realizing that my Mother was BPD.

So I didn't go through bunches of sessions with her listening to

things that happened and the therapist pointing out to me that the

issue was BPD. I told her what I had researched and gave her some

specific examples of the present and past. She agreed with my

assessment and her only concern has been helping me to see what

strategy will work best for me. She is supportive of my NC. She

understands that it is about a boundary that my parents crossed. The

few times my parents have tried to contact me again, I have responded

via e-mail asking them what changed since Christmas when they gave me

an ultimatum and effectively disowned me. My limit is their

acknowledging that they did something wrong. Until we resolve that,

I am not willing to see them. I won't pretend it didn't happen.

Even if they acknowledge it (I don't really expect they will), I

already decided things will not just go back to the way they were.

The relationship will continue with me knowing that I am dealing with

the BPD and putting myself in the safest environment for dealing with

that person. This would likely mean for me that I would only agree

to meeting in a neutral location...so not my home or not their home.

Last night my therapist went so far as to say that what I am doing is

a good example for my daughters to see. So she is extremely

supportive of the NC.

Four years ago, when I was seeing a therapist and didn't know I was

dealing with a BPD, I had gone NC for a period of time. That

therapist also agreed with my decision. I had clearly layed out

boundaries to my mother and she violated them. I did what I said I

would do and I was doing it for my own sanities sake.

So I haven't really had the situation where a therapist did not

understand why I would go NC.

JJFan

[Guest guest]

Oh, totally amusing except for the 20 years of my life I spent

putting up with her shit thinking I was the one with the problem!

My further theory on this misdiagnosis is that first, with a BP

parent, the child " mirrors " the parent, rather than the normal

developmental stage of the parent " mirroring " the child; second, the

parent's illness permeates and becomes the " bond " with the child;

third, in normal development the child at least superficially

imitates the parent; and last, as the child begins any moves toward

independence (I'm talking early childhood, not adulthood

independence), any refusal to completely adopt the parent's thoughts,

feelings, views and behavior is punished by alternately neglecting,

destroying or otherwise annihilating the child. The child's defense

is to seek acceptance by mimicking the parent's behavior even more

completely, integrating it wholly into his/her own personality, i.e.

to get fleas.

> > I think the base assumption was that I was instigating a

> > smear campaign against nada.

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

thanks for this post. this is exactly what my sister in law is doing

to my niece. Thanks for explaining it so clearly, it's very hard to

articulate, for me because I am so new to this. For example SIL had

been evicted (again) and was living with her son and his family until

they got kicked out for whatever reason. My niece recently told my

brother that the reason that they 'left' (this clean, safe, stable

situation) was that her brother and his wife and child " bother us "

meaning her and her mom. It's so obvious she is not allowed to have

her own perspective and is only allowed to 'feel' what her mother

feels. It's sickening to watch it happening. I can definitely discern

that behavior from memory of my own childhood and it's even worse it

seems, to watch it happening to a child in real time.