new to site

[Guest guest]

hello, just yesterday i found this website and have been truly overwhelmed with

what i'm

reading. it's as if my own thoughts and memories have been transported to these

pages.

when i was 10 or 12 my mother told me she was manic depressive and laid out what

that

meant. i studied it and read about it but as far as i could make out nothing

seemed to

explain why she was such a mean, selfish, cruel person. just lately things have

really been

fitting together, like puzzle pieces. i've had some great revelations in

therapy, i spend a

lot of time talking with my mom's sister, i have several friends in the field of

social work

who shed light for me and above all else i'm as close as i've ever been to

forgiving myself

and believing that " it's not my fault " she's so nuts. then i find this site and

i realize that

i'm not alone. while most people who know my mother know how bad she can be,

but no

one can truly relate. i think my next step is learning to forgive her because i

can't shake

the feeling that so much of my life was stolen from me because how i was raised.

i'm

good now, happy and content. i have a wonderful daughter and amazing fiance.

we've been planning our june wedding and of course, even though she and i are

states

apart and only communicate through email, she is causing a lot of drama. we've

barley

had a relationship in the past 7 years (and it's never been good...we've both

broken a lot

of promises to " never speak to you again " ) but of course it's all about her.

i've been so

proud of myself for not allowing myself to be engaged by her (our old patterns

are for her

to be mean, me to be mean then her be the victim) and i've ignored all of her

drama,

either by sidestepping things in the emails or simply not replying to the really

bad ones.

the number one reason i've elected not to break communication altogether is

because of

my daughter. i just don't want to " keep her " from anyone who loves her. but i

think i have

to finally come to the conclusion that my mother may not be capable of loving

anyone but

herself and that if and when she and my daughter do spend any time together my

kid will

eventually figure out on her own if she can handle her or not.

i think it's human nature to want to figure things out and i've spent most of my

life beating

my head against walls trying to figure my mother out. i think finally, at 31,

i'm realizing

that it's not her i have to figure out, it's how to DEAL with her. i really

dislike her and i've

allowed myself the power to disinvite her to the wedding if her negative

behavior escalates

to a point where i think it would be unhealthy for everyone if she was there.

of course, it

would be just like my mom to fly all the way here and not show up. i'd really

be okay with

that.

anyway, thanks for this site i look forward to reading more. for the first time

i feel

" normal " about my mom.

al