Working through some issues

[Guest guest]

Hi all, I am excited about some new things I'm seeing in myself (like my

self!) and I wanted to share... bear with me...

I have been doing some hard-core reflecting in the weeks since I

realized my mother has BPD. Being out of contact with her has freed me

up to see things I never saw before.

I realize now that I have been letting my " Vibe-O-Meter " (that sixth

sense we KOs have to read people) have a direct link to my self esteem.

I think I grew up with my happiness tied to my mother's happiness. If I

got a " she's happy with me " vibe from her, then I felt good. If I got

some other vibe from her, I was emotionally on hold until the

happy-with-me vibe returned.

I would use my ingrained Vibe-O-Meter to monitor other relationships in

my life. If I was getting the happy-with-me vibe, it gave me a good

feeling. If I wasn't getting a good signal, then I felt like I had done

something wrong and I tried to smooth things over to get that good vibe

back.

Now I know that what I was really doing was watching other people for

some kind of reflection of myself. A good vibe back was a good

reflection of me. A bad vibe made me feel bad and I wanted to try to

fix whatever I perceived was wrong.

We all know that the V-O-M is a faulty tool. You can't really know what

people are thinking, only what they appear to be projecting. And when

you realize what people with BPD are like, you know you REALLY can't

base your feelings on the vibes you are getting from people. My

mother's perceptions are out of whack, she doesn't reflect me but

projects herself onto me, AND she is the master of sending out a

happy-with-me vibe when she is anything but.

The pivotal moment for me was standing up for myself and telling my

parents their behavior was not right. To do that, I had to set my V-O-M

aside and say, " their perceptions are flawed, and the vibe I am getting

from them is not an accurate reflection of me. " I consciously broke the

connection between what I see reflected in other people and how I feel

about myself.

This has made a huge difference for me. In the month since then, I have

found myself feeling a healthy sense of separateness between myself and

other people. Yesterday I got the vibe that my neighbor was in a bad

mood. I was consciously aware that this vibe had nothing to do with me

and I did not take ownership of it. I did not try to smooth things over

and probe whether I was the cause of the bad mood. Of course I wasn't.

I was so pleasantly surprised to have an awareness of my own inner self

that stood alone instead of being tied to someone else.

I have also found myself aware of separateness between me and the

conversations I have with my husband. I tend to look for hidden

criticism in things he says to me---again, constantly monitoring the

vibe I'm getting and deciding what it says about me. Now, if I wonder

what he is really saying to me, I ask. I say, " You said X, but are you

really saying Y? " And he says, " No, I'm saying X " . And that's one less

imaginary vibe I try to internalize.

Many of you have been down this road already, and I know you'll

appreciate what a victory this is for me. I think the ramifications are

probably more far-reaching than I even realize. I think this same issue

is linked to other issues, like my tendency to be a perfectionist, and

to think that everything is my fault. (Like, I'll go to someone's house

and see a ding on their coffee table and wonder if I did that somehow.

Now that I've said it out loud it sounds a little OCD.) Clearly I have

more work to do!

Honestly, this new self-awareness has made me even more sympathetic to

what some of you are going through. I'm the " good child " who was

treated better than most KOs, and yet I clearly am caring around some

serious baggage. If my mother had been actively working to undermine my

self-esteem, it would take me a lot longer than a month to start finding

my way back. You guys are awesome!