Trying to come out of the FOG

[Guest guest]

All-

I'm trying to catch up on all the posts...the past week and a half I

was really sick and then got sucked into breaking my NC with Nada.

Saturday the 7th, my Dad sent me an e-mail informing me Nada was

having surgery the following Monday. O.K. he sent no details on the

hospital. So I wrote back asking where, etc. Not that I could go

and sit with him while he waited...to late to arrange the time off

work and still to sick to risk getting him sick and exposing her to

what I have. Then we had severe weather the next day and Nada called

my house. My daughter answered by accident...so not wanting to tell

her to hang up, my husband brought me the phone. O.K. So I talked

to Nada. They had lost power. She told me a bunch of whatever about

her health and impending surgery and the weather. I wished her good

luck on the surgery and said Good-bye. All I could think the entire

time she was talking was how can I make this conversation end.

Honestly, I felt absolutely nothing really. Dad called the next day

to say Mom had gotten through surgery fine. Mind you, I haven't

spoken to him in 6 months. So then he says, " There's something I

wanted to ask you. " I'm thinking, " Uh oh. " But he says, " Have you

ever thought about getting a grand piano? " WTF? Where is that

coming from? So I respond, " No dad, I don't have the space. " His

next response, " Oh. I'm going to sell mine. " So I haven't spoken to

the guy in 6 months and his biggest concern is trying to sell me the

piano that he doesn't want any more! So all of you who posted about

having a NPD father and BPD mother...I can totally relate. I always

knew he was a bit self-centered, but truly, I was astounded.

Nada was released from the hospital several days later. I never went

to visit or called back until later in the week. I just couldn't. I

couldn't have been sick at a better time...it helped me get over the

guilt about not going to the hospital. I did pick up Father's day

cards for my dad. Of course, I procrastinated so long that I didn't

mail them until Saturday, but I didn't call on Father's day...he

should have gotten the cards today. I thought about calling...but

couldn't do another conversation. I did call their house on

Thursday, I think and left a voicemail just checking in to see if Mom

had been released. So Nada called back Saturday and proceeded to

tell me all sorts of details about the hospital experience and having

the catheter in and out like ANYONE wants to hear about that. Again,

all I could think was making my excuse to get off the phone.

Luckily, I had guests, so I made a hasty retreat. It felt really

strange to be talking to them again. Mostly I just felt

ambivalent...almost like I have nothing left to feel...and really, I

have nothing to say. Anymore I think I just feel more sorry for them

than guilty any more. I know they will never acknowledge what they

did and I realize that I really don't miss them...at all. I do get

the twinges of guilt when people ask about them...but not nearly as

bad as it was six months ago.

Anyhow...not exactly sure what my course is going to be. I am not up

for visiting, that's for sure.

Any thoughts?

JJFan