Re: Should I respond?

[Guest guest]

I'd be careful of this one. If you're strong enough to remain

detached and " vague " in her presence, and are able to deflect all of

her attempts to discuss the issues, then you could go. Maybe it would

cure her of trying to manipulate you into spending time with her.

But, her text is so tricky, enigmatic and obviously manipulative, that

I personally would either ignore it, or respond with a curt " I don't

like being dealt with that way. " It's designed to get your interest

up so you'll follow her like you're a dog and she's got a treat in her

hand, trying to lead you around.

I forget what your status is with your mom right now -- does she owe

you an apology for something? Or does she just have a long history of

manipulation and BPD behaviors and you've finally declared " ENOUGH! "

and are cutting back on contact? (that's where I am, by the way).

You could ignore it and teach her that " mystery texts " don't work on

you, either. Why doesn't she just call you and apologize? BPDs like

to think they can work their " magic " on us and bypass the normal route

of giving an apology for their behavior when it's warranted. I smell

that on your mom's text.

Let us know what you decide!

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I havent talked to my parents in about 2 months. I am the infamous one

whos mom wrote the toxic novel of an email to, so yes, i would say an appology

is the least of what she owes me.

T

Re: Should I respond?

I'd be careful of this one. If you're strong enough to remain

detached and " vague " in her presence, and are able to deflect all of

her attempts to discuss the issues, then you could go. Maybe it would

cure her of trying to manipulate you into spending time with her.

But, her text is so tricky, enigmatic and obviously manipulative, that

I personally would either ignore it, or respond with a curt " I don't

like being dealt with that way. " It's designed to get your interest

up so you'll follow her like you're a dog and she's got a treat in her

hand, trying to lead you around.

I forget what your status is with your mom right now -- does she owe

you an apology for something? Or does she just have a long history of

manipulation and BPD behaviors and you've finally declared " ENOUGH! "

and are cutting back on contact? (that's where I am, by the way).

You could ignore it and teach her that " mystery texts " don't work on

you, either. Why doesn't she just call you and apologize? BPDs like

to think they can work their " magic " on us and bypass the normal route

of giving an apology for their behavior when it's warranted. I smell

that on your mom's text.

Let us know what you decide!

-Kyla

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

Oh yes! Of course I remember! The e-mail that was as long as " War

and Peace " ! (again, what an ego it took to write something that

long and dump so much personal garbage into it so you can make

someone else read it. Egomania!)

Hit delete and get on with your day! I would NOT respond in any

way. She is insulting to your wife (right?) and wrote

that " screamer " -- and since that didn't bring you to your knees in

shame and make you crawl back to her, (hopefully crying like a

baby!!), that now she's resorting to another tactic. She's trying

something else INSTEAD OF apologizing for that awful e-mail. A

slippery trick, but very common among BPDs. They NEVER apologize,

but are at a loss for what to do when their nasty letters or

diatribes don't get the desired effect.

Hit delete and don't look back. Even if she were to give you an

apology, I'd minimize her presence in my life. But the day you get

a sincere apology, watch for a pig flying past your window.

Again -- don't respond to that text! Let her know you're not her

puppet anymore.

(just my 2 cents' worth! You can tell by now I'm very shy with my

opinions, LOL!)

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Tony -- P.S. -- the continued " response " from you after that " novel-

length screamer " is continued silence. It should be " deafening " , as

they say.

BPDs don't know WHAT to do with silence. They need victims! They

can't play their head games alone! Simply refuse to play -- that's

your basic human right.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Correction: that sentence should have read: " The continued response

from you after that " novel-length sreamer " should be continued silence.

Too much coffee this morning.

I got a similar screamer last Thanksgiving from my dad -- on behalf of

my BPD mother. I completely ignored it. I pictured myself in his

shoes -- writing a vile, hate-filled letter in the hopes it would

bring me to my knees. And what does he get back? Silence. ooops.

Now he's got a big matzo ball hanging out there! What now?

A month later, he apologized -- but I think he only did that because I

sent a restaurant gift card for them for Christmas. Not much else has

changed with him and my mom. They're still giving me the silent

treatment, so there's been no big change with them. I'm still LC with

them.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

I just got another text from her this morning now, saying she would like a

answer by the end of the day today. that it is only fair since she is the only

one trying here.

Still no response?

Re: Should I respond?

Correction: that sentence should have read: " The continued response

from you after that " novel-length sreamer " should be continued silence.

Too much coffee this morning.

I got a similar screamer last Thanksgiving from my dad -- on behalf of

my BPD mother. I completely ignored it. I pictured myself in his

shoes -- writing a vile, hate-filled letter in the hopes it would

bring me to my knees. And what does he get back? Silence. ooops.

Now he's got a big matzo ball hanging out there! What now?

A month later, he apologized -- but I think he only did that because I

sent a restaurant gift card for them for Christmas. Not much else has

changed with him and my mom. They're still giving me the silent

treatment, so there's been no big change with them. I'm still LC with

them.

-Kyla

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

If it were me? I wouldn't jump just because she says " jump by the

end of the day " ....

Unless you'd like to hear what she has to say -- and give her the

chance to apologize. If she's not going to apologize as you've sat

down to have lunch, then I'd walk out. Otherwise, you've been lured

into a trap of hearing her expound on " issues " ....

" She's the only one trying " -- do you think she's trying to

apologize? You could text her and ask " Are you meeting with me to

apologize? " (Then why didn't she just say that instead of " New

Year's Resolutions " , oh well....that could be her way of getting you

to sit down with her so she can apologize and tell you her new

resolution is to get along with you and your wife. THAT starts with

an apology.)

Text her back and ask if this " sit-down " involves an apology...

And not an apology by you, either. Her apology should stand by

itself, and not be followed by a " but " , or any other justification.

Refuse to speak in riddles -- be direct -- ask her what she wants to

talk about.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

I would continue to ignore her, but if you were feeling particularly

generous you could just send " No "

I'm of the opinion that if you keep feeding the fire, even a little

bit, she'll keep trying to hook into you. I've been n/c for a few

months now and it's really lovely. I have had nightmares my whole life

about things that are chasing and hunting me, but never kill me, and

even let me go and feel safe before they chase me again. A few weeks

after I went n/c, the dreams stopped, and they only come back when she

sends a text message, even if it's just " happy christmas. "

Whatever her " new years resolution " is, yours should be to do what you

feel comfortable with, and nothing more. (not that i mean to 'should'

you....you know what I mean)

Delta

>

> I just got another text from her this morning now, saying she would

like a answer by the end of the day today. that it is only fair since

she is the only one trying here.

> Still no response?

>

>

> Re: Should I respond?

>

> Correction: that sentence should have read: " The continued response

> from you after that " novel-length sreamer " should be continued silence.

>

> Too much coffee this morning.

>

> I got a similar screamer last Thanksgiving from my dad -- on behalf of

> my BPD mother. I completely ignored it. I pictured myself in his

> shoes -- writing a vile, hate-filled letter in the hopes it would

> bring me to my knees. And what does he get back? Silence. ooops.

> Now he's got a big matzo ball hanging out there! What now?

>

> A month later, he apologized -- but I think he only did that because I

> sent a restaurant gift card for them for Christmas. Not much else has

> changed with him and my mom. They're still giving me the silent

> treatment, so there's been no big change with them. I'm still LC with

> them.

>

> -Kyla

>

>

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry, tony, I'm not deliberately trying to be a hard-ass -- I just

think that the woman who couldn't get through to you through an e-

mail is trying to get you alone, face to face. It's nice that

you're trying to be " fair " , but remember this woman insulted your

wife. You should disabuse her of ANY notion that you'll EVER

tolerate that.

I'm suspicious why she doesn't call or write another e-mail if she

wanted to apologize. Suddenly, it has to be with you sitting down

across from her, with some vague reference to a new year

resolution. If you DO go meet with her, you'd better have some

canned responses in your pocket, to deflect any attempts to drag you

into feeling bad or responsible for the situation. They like to

overwhelm us with individual incidents and issues, taking our eyes

off their behaviors and longstanding damage they've inflicted, and

placing the blame with us. Keeping her on track with pointed,

memorized phrases and refusing to be distracted can work well to

counteract this. You have to decide what YOUR objective for this

meeting will be -- she doesn't get to call all the plays. If you're

sitting there, your agenda matters, too.

People like your mom (who needs EXTENSIVE therapy, by the way --

that's why I remain suspicious that she has undergone such a

dramatic change in 2 months) are expert tap dancers around avoiding

taking personal responsibility, and projecting it onto others. Her

e-mail was filled with it.

She has seized control of the situation, but she is not the only one

who can be in control. You can text her back and say " What's this

all about? " -- throwing her off her game a little, and letting her

know you're not inclined to walk into a face-to-face reenactment of

the sentiments expressed in that e-mail.

Just be ready to get up and leave (or have canned responses ready to

counteract her attempts to project and blame you) if she does that

when you sit down with her, if that's what you ultimately decide.

Have your boundaries ready and state them to her if she says she

wants a relationship with you. Begin with, " If you ever insult my

wife again, I won't come around you anymore. "

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

I'll second that! Since I've gone LC, gone is that pressure to get

us together all the time, constantly worrying if I've visited

enough, pitied enough, etc. All that pressure and strife is gone.

I think the bigger issue with Tony's mom today is not the new year's

resolution, or lunch that HAS to be arranged today -- but the REAL

issue is can she get Tony to respond. THAT'S what she's after. I

think ignoring it sends the simple but effective message that " I

don't dance to your tune anymore. " , without bending to her demand

for an answer today.

A sit down can be arranged any time, any day. Sometimes, a little

time and distance is what we need to detach and firm our resolve

that they're not going to participate in their emotional turmoil

anymore. I say take all the time you need -- this can occur on YOUR

timetable. Not hers. Her demand that it " has to be today " is all

in her mind.

-Kyla

> >

> > I just got another text from her this morning now, saying she

would

> like a answer by the end of the day today. that it is only fair

since

> she is the only one trying here.

> > Still no response?

> >

> >

> > Re: Should I respond?

> >

> > Correction: that sentence should have read: " The continued

response

> > from you after that " novel-length sreamer " should be continued

silence.

> >

> > Too much coffee this morning.

> >

> > I got a similar screamer last Thanksgiving from my dad -- on

behalf of

> > my BPD mother. I completely ignored it. I pictured myself in his

> > shoes -- writing a vile, hate-filled letter in the hopes it

would

> > bring me to my knees. And what does he get back? Silence. ooops.

> > Now he's got a big matzo ball hanging out there! What now?

> >

> > A month later, he apologized -- but I think he only did that

because I

> > sent a restaurant gift card for them for Christmas. Not much

else has

> > changed with him and my mom. They're still giving me the silent

> > treatment, so there's been no big change with them. I'm still LC

with

> > them.

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> > Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> > Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

> http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?

category=shopping

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Correction: " WE'RE not going to participate in THEIR emotional

turmoil anymore. " Sheesh!

[Guest guest]

Kyla, it is basically monday today, so all your little typos are expected from

us all today! haha.

Thanks for all you input!

T

Re: Should I respond?

Correction: " WE'RE not going to participate in THEIR emotional

turmoil anymore. " Sheesh!

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

You're most welcome -- we support you in whatever you decide!

-Kyla

>

> Kyla, it is basically monday today, so all your little typos are

expected from us all today! haha.

>

> Thanks for all you input!

> T

>

>

> Re: Should I respond?

>

> Correction: " WE'RE not going to participate in THEIR emotional

> turmoil anymore. " Sheesh!

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

So my concern, which actually my wife brought up, is that if I do not respond at

all, my mom will obsess about this and start with the emails and phone calls

again. And then talk to the family how i wouldnt respond to any of her attempts

to speak with me. I feel like this is going to be her response either way,

unless I agree to meet with her, but what do you think about this concern.

Thanks.

T

Re: Should I respond?

>

> Correction: " WE'RE not going to participate in THEIR emotional

> turmoil anymore. " Sheesh!

>

>

>

>

>

>

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

____________ ___

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

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>

>

>

[Guest guest]

THen a brief answer would be the best way. But, to ramp it up is

still her attempt to manipulate you. Although your mother sounds

unstable enough to start coming to your home, and that's hard to

ignore, although it's been done!

Just be careful about being too reactive to her threats of

escalation. A short " No, thank you " is what I would write. You can

block e-mails, avoid or block phone calls. Maybe you should meet

with her and lay it all on the line about what you will tolerate

(flurries of texts and e-mails will be ignored, you owe me an

apology, no more written diatribes, etc.)

Acting because we're afraid of what they might do next is, in

effect, being controlled by them. The next text, e-mail, or words

from her mouth need to be an apology, or the promise of one at lunch.

-Kyla

> >

> > Kyla, it is basically monday today, so all your little typos are

> expected from us all today! haha.

> >

> > Thanks for all you input!

> > T

> >

> >

> > Re: Should I respond?

> >

> > Correction: " WE'RE not going to participate in THEIR emotional

> > turmoil anymore. " Sheesh!

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

> ____________ ___

> > Be a better friend, newshound, and

> > know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

> http://mobile. yahoo.com/ ;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR 8HDtDypao8Wcj9tA cJ

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

It sounds like your mother is effectively holding you hostage. Give in

to the text message or face worse with endless phone calls and

e-mails. You're right, in that's probably your mother's plan.

However, e-mails can be filtered and phone calls can be dodged. Caller

ID is great, if you don't already have it, and voicemails can be deleted.

Try to respect yourself in however you choose to respond to your mom.

You don't need to do anything to cave in to her or her manipulations.

Figure out what would be best for you, and then do it.

qwerty

>

> So my concern, which actually my wife brought up, is that if I do

not respond at all, my mom will obsess about this and start with the

emails and phone calls again. And then talk to the family how i

wouldnt respond to any of her attempts to speak with me. I feel like

this is going to be her response either way, unless I agree to meet

with her, but what do you think about this concern. Thanks.

> T

[Guest guest]

Tony,

If it were me, there's no way I would gratify her with a response. I

saved a copy of that epic email she sent you. It was one of the most

remarkably vile things I've seen in a while and it reminded me a good

deal of the types of things my fada would say when we were in contact.

Her imposition of a time limit and the snide remark that she's the

only one trying (meant to make you feel crappy)...well, it really

doesn't sound like she's ramping up for a sincere apology. Besides,

what does she consider to be " trying " ? Getting your grandmother

involved and upset? You deserve so much better.

Cheers,

Sakura

>

> I just got another text from her this morning now, saying she would

like a answer by the end of the day today. that it is only fair

since she is the only one trying here.

> Still no response?

[Guest guest]

My interpretation:

You (tony) now have all the power because you have chosen not to

communicate with me.

At one time, I had all the control. Now I feel out of sorts.

Maybe if I pretend to apologize, you'll come back. I hate being

abandoned.

I want control back. Respond to me, in my timeframe, on my terms. If

not, I'll badmouth you to the family.

My opinion:

the family members that listen to this and believe it likely can't be

persuaded otherwise. The ones that know the REAL scoop and consider

her blathering for the dog poo poo it is, are your REAL family who

listen and care. It is unfortunate that they will take sides, but

unavoidable to preserve your sanity and health.

You could certainly let her know that you have received the message if

you think it's appropriate, but don't play into her hand. This is all

about her, on her terms, on her deadlines. If you respond at face

value, she has won her control back. Unfortunately, after having read

that earlier email and her interactions, I think that's all she's

after.

just my 2.5 cents

>

> So i think I know how to interpret this text message from my mom,

but I

> was wondering what others thoughts were on this and what you think I

> should do. Thanks all:

>

> " Hi. Will you meet with me to talk, soon?

> No maybe, just yes or nom please. I have

> an idea for a new years resolution, but it

> must be in person alone with me. Love mom. "

>

[Guest guest]

Tony,

You can say you expect an apology, and you may even get it. Here is the

but...but most

people with BPD view this as form of control and trying to control a BPD is a

big mistake.

They will resent you for it and eventually nullify their supposed apology. When

my brother

told our nada that he would not take any verbal abuse from her any more and that

he would

hang up on her when she started in on him or our dad. She viewed that as him

trying to

control her emotions. I know cause she said as much to me.

here are some stipulations, 1. is she getting therapy. 2. are you getting

therapy to help you

with developing some new and healthy boundaries. 3. let there be a meeting of

the

therapists and family before negotiating contact.

your nada will not change without help and without wanting that change for

herself. If she is

able to reel you back in with one little text then what motivation does she have

for seeking

help. NONE.

Just MO

Carla

[Guest guest]

T

What a crappy way to start the new year, a text from someone you don't want to

talk to

with a deadline. I put in the someone on purpose, whenever I am faced with the

kind of

situation you are in with my Nada, I always try and bring myself out of the

" mother

daughter " thinking and into the how would I treat this if I didn't have a family

connection

with her.

What would I do with someone who is trying to bully me into doing what they want

when

they want it.

One of the things that gets to me the most is if Nada was normal and you were

having this

problem with someone else, she would tell you to ignore them, send them a no

response.

She would never suggest that you get together with that person in order to make

them

happy.

Hope that helps a little

Good Luck

L

>

> I just got another text from her this morning now, saying she would like a

answer by the

end of the day today. that it is only fair since she is the only one trying

here.

> Still no response?

>

>

> Re: Should I respond?

>

> Correction: that sentence should have read: " The continued response

> from you after that " novel-length sreamer " should be continued silence.

>

> Too much coffee this morning.

>

> I got a similar screamer last Thanksgiving from my dad -- on behalf of

> my BPD mother. I completely ignored it. I pictured myself in his

> shoes -- writing a vile, hate-filled letter in the hopes it would

> bring me to my knees. And what does he get back? Silence. ooops.

> Now he's got a big matzo ball hanging out there! What now?

>

> A month later, he apologized -- but I think he only did that because I

> sent a restaurant gift card for them for Christmas. Not much else has

> changed with him and my mom. They're still giving me the silent

> treatment, so there's been no big change with them. I'm still LC with

> them.

>

> -Kyla

>

>

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

>

>

[Guest guest]

Replying to my own message...*L*

All the while we were growing up, we had no choice but to respond to

the tirades, rages, and abuse in an attempt to quiet the BPD parent

down. And so it feeds their patterns...throw fits, blow up, and get

your way. Works great when you're a little kid with a parent who

doesn't handle things appropriately...and also works great when

you're a parent and your young child has no other choice.

It has taken me a long time to learn this, as I just recently found

out about BPD and my mother so clearly has it, but as an adult I

have choices about whether I'll deal with her tirades or not.

> >

> > So i think I know how to interpret this text message from my

mom,

> but I

> > was wondering what others thoughts were on this and what you

think I

> > should do. Thanks all:

> >

> > " Hi. Will you meet with me to talk, soon?

> > No maybe, just yes or nom please. I have

> > an idea for a new years resolution, but it

> > must be in person alone with me. Love mom. "

> >

>

[Guest guest]

T,

Just had another thought, this might be the time to throw her crappy ways back

in her

face by responding,

No -- and the next time you give me some kind of cockamamee (sp) deadline you

will get

no response at all.

I did this over a problem with Nada, and surprisingly she dropped it.

I responded to one of her psychotic e-mails, and 2 weeks of phone calls with an

e-mail

that read like this.

I will not discuss this with you, I am taking care of myself, and this is not

good for my

emotional well being. When I feel better I will contact you. If you ever bring

this up again,

you can expect that I will hang up on you.

That was 3 months ago and she hasn't said Boo on the subject,

Please keep in mind this is 3 years of boundary setting.

Oh, how I wish I had the guts to go NC, but for now the best I can do is LC.

Again, Good Luck

L

[Guest guest]

Tony, without reading every ones responses first.....I have to tell

you this gives me the willies!!!

Is she a dangerous or a violent person??? She said " must be in

person, alone, with me " This sounds like a scary proposition!!!

Don't go......she is creeping me out, if I were your wife I wouldn't

let you go alone.....my 2 cents....drlingirl

>

> So i think I know how to interpret this text message from my mom,

but I

> was wondering what others thoughts were on this and what you think I

> should do. Thanks all:

>

> " Hi. Will you meet with me to talk, soon?

> No maybe, just yes or nom please. I have

> an idea for a new years resolution, but it

> must be in person alone with me. Love mom. "

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Tony's mom sent him this in a text message.......which really give

it a yuck factor!!! Texting in my opinion is what teenagers do, or

lovers, or just for fun......not usually something we do with our

mothers when we are NC.

I see all kind of red flags when seeing it came from a text rather

than an email. Keeping it from being forwarded or shared???

What do you think???

Its the detective in me ;0) drlingirl

>

> Sorry, tony, I'm not deliberately trying to be a hard-ass -- I

just

> think that the woman who couldn't get through to you through an e-

> mail is trying to get you alone, face to face. It's nice that

> you're trying to be " fair " , but remember this woman insulted your

> wife. You should disabuse her of ANY notion that you'll EVER

> tolerate that.

>

> I'm suspicious why she doesn't call or write another e-mail if she

> wanted to apologize. Suddenly, it has to be with you sitting down

> across from her, with some vague reference to a new year

> resolution. If you DO go meet with her, you'd better have some

> canned responses in your pocket, to deflect any attempts to drag

you

> into feeling bad or responsible for the situation. They like to

> overwhelm us with individual incidents and issues, taking our eyes

> off their behaviors and longstanding damage they've inflicted, and

> placing the blame with us. Keeping her on track with pointed,

> memorized phrases and refusing to be distracted can work well to

> counteract this. You have to decide what YOUR objective for this

> meeting will be -- she doesn't get to call all the plays. If

you're

> sitting there, your agenda matters, too.

>

> People like your mom (who needs EXTENSIVE therapy, by the way --

> that's why I remain suspicious that she has undergone such a

> dramatic change in 2 months) are expert tap dancers around

avoiding

> taking personal responsibility, and projecting it onto others.

Her

> e-mail was filled with it.

>

> She has seized control of the situation, but she is not the only

one

> who can be in control. You can text her back and say " What's this

> all about? " -- throwing her off her game a little, and letting her

> know you're not inclined to walk into a face-to-face reenactment

of

> the sentiments expressed in that e-mail.

>

> Just be ready to get up and leave (or have canned responses ready

to

> counteract her attempts to project and blame you) if she does that

> when you sit down with her, if that's what you ultimately decide.

> Have your boundaries ready and state them to her if she says she

> wants a relationship with you. Begin with, " If you ever insult my

> wife again, I won't come around you anymore. "

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Yes -- texting him is a way of reaching past all the obstacles and

forcing him to face her. Considering I don't have unlimited texting

in my phone plan, I'd tell her not to text me anymore, that I use that

for urgent messages only.

It IS a very intimate way of contacting someone. Considering BPDs

have trouble with true intimacy, that's ironic. I would NOT allow my

mother to text me.