Re: Should I respond?

[Guest guest]

Tony -- I misread when you posted this earlier. I didn't realize

that SHE was the one who said " it's only fair since she's the only

one trying here. " I thought that was YOUR opinion -- Yikes!

She's the only one " trying? " ......Since when is sending a nuclear e-

mail " trying " ? And until she delivers a sincere apology to you and

your wife, you should have NO further contact with her. Game stops

right there. No sneaking lunches in -- no talking about new years'

resolutions or any other clever headlines. Game doesn't move

forward until her e-mail is acknowledged as WRONG.

I think I have the complete picture here -- I wouldn't respond, or

my response would be SHORT with a curt " We don't make ANY plans

until you apologize for that e-mail, and what you said to my wife

(or however she did it).

Polite, calm, firm. No smoke and mirrors (BPDs are GREAT at that) --

no taking your eye off that ball for ANY reason.

Her texts are plain old sneaky ploys to bypass what she's done and

shift the focus to something else. I wouldn't let her get away with

it.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

I hope that you aren't offended by this, but this sounds very akin to

holding negotiations with a terrorist. I think that acknowledging

her demands under a threat of her doing everything to make your life

miserable and guilt-ridden if you don't accede is a delay of the

inevitable. If you don't make a stand now, when and where does the

manipulation end?

You can block emails and unwanted phone calls. You can't help what

she will say about you to the rest of your family. I think you

handled your grandmother beautifully and I think you have the

strength to handle the rest of your FOO, should they decide to

involve themselves in a matter that is purely between you and your

nada.

Of course, you may ultimately decide to respond to your nada. If

that's what you feel is the right thing to do, of course you have our

support. But from the tone of your post, it sounds like this is not

something that would honor your true feelings. Good luck and

godspeed with your decision.

Cheers,

Sakura

>

> So my concern, which actually my wife brought up, is that if I do

not respond at all, my mom will obsess about this and start with the

emails and phone calls again. And then talk to the family how i

wouldnt respond to any of her attempts to speak with me. I feel like

this is going to be her response either way, unless I agree to meet

with her, but what do you think about this concern. Thanks.

> T

[Guest guest]

Sorry to keep commenting on this, but I smell a rat. I've been

thinking about her curious wording of this text message: " I've got an

idea for a New Year's resolution, but it must be in person alone. "

Interpretation:

" This is a work in progress, and we're going to collaborate on how to

proceed " .... (NO you're not - she's going to try and see how committed

you are to your new backbone as regards her!). To collaborate with

you on her " idea " means you're going to have to give in. You're going

to give her a forum for some more dumping on you.

The " I've got an idea " tactic is meant to raise your excitement level,

to build mystery so you'll be so curious, you'll just HAVE to come

meet with her!!! (note my sarcasm in the last part). This is just

crafty marketing meant to get you to act, plain and simple.

And the worst part? " must be in person ALONE " -- she's trying to

isolate you so that you won't feel a part of your marriage, and will

revert back to the old days when you were HER son and she had power

over you. You could counteract this by saying, " My wife can come,

too -- I'm not playing divide and conquer. "

This is FRAUGHT with manipulation -- she hasn't changed. I wouldn't

reward her scheme by going. That sends a powerful message. You could

also insist that any " meetings " or " ideas " can be discussed with your

wife present. She's your family now.

-Kyla

>

> So i think I know how to interpret this text message from my mom,

but I

> was wondering what others thoughts were on this and what you think I

> should do. Thanks all:

>

> " Hi. Will you meet with me to talk, soon?

> No maybe, just yes or nom please. I have

> an idea for a new years resolution, but it

> must be in person alone with me. Love mom. "

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Kyla. Something's up. Just seems fishy to me. The fact

that she has to meet with you " ALONE " still denotes that she has no

respect for you're marriage and the fact that you have family other

than her (NADA). she is trying to be powerful again, by trying to

make you answer to her call and beckon. If she really wanted to meet

with you because she loves you and is sorry, she wouldnt have given

you a time limit. that is what they do in war...like ransom.... " hand

it over by 5pm tonight or else!!! " .

Sorry, i sound mean, but i agree with everyone else on here that

says it's probably just a trap.

Good luck, keep us updated.

~SARA JO

> >

> > So i think I know how to interpret this text message from my

mom,

> but I

> > was wondering what others thoughts were on this and what you

think I

> > should do. Thanks all:

> >

> > " Hi. Will you meet with me to talk, soon?

> > No maybe, just yes or nom please. I have

> > an idea for a new years resolution, but it

> > must be in person alone with me. Love mom. "

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Also, if you answer her texts, she knows she has an instant way of

getting through to him. If he makes it clear that he doesn't want her

texting him -- she can call the house (uh oh, the wife might answer!)

or e-mail him (he can print it out), then he chokes off her

impulsivity. If he NEVER answers her texts, she'll start to realize

that she never gets anything out of that.

If she ramps it up and texts furiously, thousands of times, his WIFE

can answer saying " Sometimes we switch phones around -- do you want to

meet us for lunch? " ha ha ha. She can even answer his phone the old

fashioned way, too -- when mom hears her voice, she'll quit calling.

That should throw water on mom's trying to escalate contacting him.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Tony,

Instead of thinking about your silence or respecting that you are

choosing not to answer her text request right now, her next line of

attack is to FURTHER CONTROL YOU and put a deadline on what at first

appears to be a peace offering (you knew better, anyway). Awfully

passive-aggressive... She can be read like a cheap novel. Skip the

read-- you know how it ends. She won't change. Stay silent. It's

the only thing she cannot control.

Elle

>

> I just got another text from her this morning now, saying she

would like a answer by the end of the day today. that it is only

fair since she is the only one trying here.

> Still no response?

>

>

> Re: Should I respond?

>

> Correction: that sentence should have read: " The continued

response

> from you after that " novel-length sreamer " should be continued

silence.

>

> Too much coffee this morning.

>

> I got a similar screamer last Thanksgiving from my dad -- on

behalf of

> my BPD mother. I completely ignored it. I pictured myself in his

> shoes -- writing a vile, hate-filled letter in the hopes it would

> bring me to my knees. And what does he get back? Silence. ooops.

> Now he's got a big matzo ball hanging out there! What now?

>

> A month later, he apologized -- but I think he only did that

because I

> sent a restaurant gift card for them for Christmas. Not much else

has

> changed with him and my mom. They're still giving me the silent

> treatment, so there's been no big change with them. I'm still LC

with

> them.

>

> -Kyla

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?

category=shopping

>

>

[Guest guest]

For those of you still in the grips of these BPD teeth, it might

help to hear how lovely a holiday can be devoid of these people.

For the first time ever, my H and I celebrated our first Christmas

truly out from under the ugly grip of his fada. (There were years

where we actually took our kids and left town try to get away from

this man at Christmas and NY. It was never a pleasure to celebrate

anything with him and each holiday that passed seemed to be more

dramatic and full of dread, martyrdom, selfishness, sarcasm, lack of

appreciation and raging.) This year, we went NC in the summer and

we relished in the serenity and spirit of the season for the first

time in 25 years. It was like a black cloud had lifted off of our

Christmas for once! Beautiful. Try it.

Elle

> >

> > I just got another text from her this morning now, saying she

would

> like a answer by the end of the day today. that it is only fair

since

> she is the only one trying here.

> > Still no response?

> >

> >

> > Re: Should I respond?

> >

> > Correction: that sentence should have read: " The continued

response

> > from you after that " novel-length sreamer " should be continued

silence.

> >

> > Too much coffee this morning.

> >

> > I got a similar screamer last Thanksgiving from my dad -- on

behalf of

> > my BPD mother. I completely ignored it. I pictured myself in his

> > shoes -- writing a vile, hate-filled letter in the hopes it

would

> > bring me to my knees. And what does he get back? Silence. ooops.

> > Now he's got a big matzo ball hanging out there! What now?

> >

> > A month later, he apologized -- but I think he only did that

because I

> > sent a restaurant gift card for them for Christmas. Not much

else has

> > changed with him and my mom. They're still giving me the silent

> > treatment, so there's been no big change with them. I'm still LC

with

> > them.

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> > Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> > Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

> http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?

category=shopping

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Well, what a day I am having. I got a promotion and at my new location today,

so it is supposed to be a good day, but I keep being met with all of this drama.

I just got a phone call from her now, and of course I did not answer. Basically

she said over again what she had said in her text messages. Basically: " I have

sent you a couple of text messages and wasnt sure if you got them. I was just

wondering if you would like to meet one on one to try and figure out a

resolution to this. I would like to know by the end of the day so that i am not

wondering about this. If i do not hear from you by the end of the day cause i

do not want to be hung out to dry, i will assume you do not want to meet and

find a way to move forward and negotiating a solution. Hopefully I will hear

from you, but I will love you either way. mom "

That is not verbatum, but basically what it said. My initial reaction is to not

respond still, basically to make her suffer in silence, but I know that may not

be the right thing, or the mature thing to do. I am torn between how to handle

this, but it certainly angers me to here her say that we need to figure out a

resolution, and negotiate. i have done nothing, she is the one that needs to

fix her problems. anyways, any thoughts are always appreciated.

T

Re: Should I respond?

Sorry to keep commenting on this, but I smell a rat. I've been

thinking about her curious wording of this text message: " I've got an

idea for a New Year's resolution, but it must be in person alone. "

Interpretation:

" This is a work in progress, and we're going to collaborate on how to

proceed " .... (NO you're not - she's going to try and see how committed

you are to your new backbone as regards her!). To collaborate with

you on her " idea " means you're going to have to give in. You're going

to give her a forum for some more dumping on you.

The " I've got an idea " tactic is meant to raise your excitement level,

to build mystery so you'll be so curious, you'll just HAVE to come

meet with her!!! (note my sarcasm in the last part). This is just

crafty marketing meant to get you to act, plain and simple.

And the worst part? " must be in person ALONE " -- she's trying to

isolate you so that you won't feel a part of your marriage, and will

revert back to the old days when you were HER son and she had power

over you. You could counteract this by saying, " My wife can come,

too -- I'm not playing divide and conquer. "

This is FRAUGHT with manipulation -- she hasn't changed. I wouldn't

reward her scheme by going. That sends a powerful message. You could

also insist that any " meetings " or " ideas " can be discussed with your

wife present. She's your family now.

-Kyla

>

> So i think I know how to interpret this text message from my mom,

but I

> was wondering what others thoughts were on this and what you think I

> should do. Thanks all:

>

> " Hi. Will you meet with me to talk, soon?

> No maybe, just yes or nom please. I have

> an idea for a new years resolution, but it

> must be in person alone with me. Love mom. "

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Guest guest]

Hello Tony:

I've been out of the loop for a while, but the holidays definitely

made me miss all you fellow children-of-BPD, since I'm guessing we're

all feeling a similar pain at this time of year.

Wow, so she's made a New Years Resolution to do what, exactly? Fix you

somehow? Make you see the error of your ways? How very touching.

Silence seems the best bet, but I would be tempted to write back:

" I've made a New Year's Resolution too: never to be bullied or cowed

by my manipulative mother. "

Letty

> > >

> > > So i think I know how to interpret this text message from my

> mom,

> > but I

> > > was wondering what others thoughts were on this and what you

> think I

> > > should do. Thanks all:

> > >

> > > " Hi. Will you meet with me to talk, soon?

> > > No maybe, just yes or nom please. I have

> > > an idea for a new years resolution, but it

> > > must be in person alone with me. Love mom. "

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tony -- RED ALERT RED ALERT --

This is EXACTLY the tactic my dad used to try and rope me in and get

me to fall in line! I can't emphasize enough this is EXACTLY the

tactic he used! Instead of " resolution to this " he used the

words " We've got to solve these problems " . And when I suggested to

Mr. Problem Solver that mom needed help, you know what I got? A

verbal lashing I should have worn a welding helmet for! How is that

for a calm " coming to the table " to negotiate? He didn't want to

negotiate -- he wanted to throw excuses at me for their bad behavior

and have me fall in line again! You mother is doing the EXACT same

thing.

Let's pick it apart:

" I can't sit around and wait on you " ....That means she is having

nervous conniptions because deep down she KNOWS she's screwed up

BIGTIME with that e-mail -- your not responding to it was exactly

the right move. You've taken her power away -- and she's on pins

and needles trying to salvage what she can. Who said she was

supposed to wait on you? You? Nope. That's what's in HER mind --

doesn't make it your problem.

So what? Her crisis isn't your crisis! She's a grown woman, fully

capable of living independently of you, just as you are a grown man,

fully independent of her. Her emotional meltdown belongs to her,

NOT YOU. Continue ignoring it.

Her timetable is not YOUR timetable.

Notice there wasn't an apology in that long message???? It was SELF

SERVING. She's trying to get you alone so she can go into the 2nd

act of her strategy. Is she a cryer? Does she beg? Does she

yell? I'll bet you a donut that YOU could map out a scenario of how

it will go. (Me? My mom would turn on the waterworks in about 10

minutes. She sometimes beats her fist on her chest -- no joke! My

mom keeps trying to get me alone so she can cry for me and move me

to feel sorry for her.)

My dad ended one of his back-handed " loving " messages with " call or

don't call -- it's up to you. Just know that we love you. "

Do you see how he neatly gathered it up and shoved it over to ME?

Making it suddenly all up to me? As if we're in this chess game?

SORRY -- but I'm not playing the game anymore. I've gotten up from

the table.

I say that because you CANNOT reason with these types of people.

Personality Disordered people are not reasonable -- they can't be

reasoned with. Notice how she's frantically writing insane e-mails,

getting Grandma to work you over, now texting you and attempting to

tell YOU how to frame this mess? Not to mention, assiduously

avoiding any apology on HER part for hurling numerous insults.

What I can see is this:

1) She's desperately trying to maintain control. Control that she

does not have now that you're an adult and have your own home and

family.

2) You've woken up to the fact that you don't have to be yanked

around on her leash anymore. This is a WONDERFUL step you're taking

into your own life. What it does to her can't be your concern, or

she'll draw you back in. It's like the saying goes " Either go to

her and drown with her, or swim to shore and save yourself. "

3) She's in an emotional spiral -- I wouldn't go anywhere near it.

4) Meeting you alone? WHY??? You don't have to go. It's a TRAP.

My therapist told me the same thing. Her words to me? " Ignore it.

It's a TRAP. He's just trying to pull you into your mom's games. "

Tony -- let her spin. Let her worry. Let her dig holes in the

backyard. Re-read her e-mail if you need some clarity as to what

you're dealing with. You can't reason with her -- and that's not

what she's wanting from you in this face-to-face meeting, even

though she'll tell you it is.

There's no such thing as " resolution " when you're dealing with a

personality disorder. If I were you, I'd get my hands on some of

the books recommended here FAST. You need information FAST. She's

coming at you faster and faster, like when Lucy & Ethel were at the

candy factory. You need to be armed with information.

-Kyla

> >

> > So i think I know how to interpret this text message from my

mom,

> but I

> > was wondering what others thoughts were on this and what you

think I

> > should do. Thanks all:

> >

> > " Hi. Will you meet with me to talk, soon?

> > No maybe, just yes or nom please. I have

> > an idea for a new years resolution, but it

> > must be in person alone with me. Love mom. "

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh,, and CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PROMOTION!!! THis is YOUR day. Put

your mother's emotional tailspin on the back burner -- don't let her

ruin your day. Take your wife out to dinner and celebrate!!!

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Tony -- me again....ha ha ha

You asked if it was the mature thing to do to ignore it. The

answer, I think, is YES. I know it seems counterintuitive, but

ignoring it actually draws a line around you as an adult, and tells

her (like you'd tell a child having a tantrum) " I'm not rewarding

your crazy behavior. "

Ignoring it shows you're busy living your life. On the other hand,

if you respond and get all hyped up like her, you're actually under

her control, and not fully your own adult person.

If for some reason she catches you on the phone or in person,

maintain a calm, detached decorum, NO MATTER WHAT she's doing -- if

she acts crazy, you continue to be calm. Don't get swept up in the

drama of it all -- that's their specialty, is getting others to do

their bidding based on getting everybody whipped up to the same

emotional plane they're on. You can let do her thing while

remaining calm and detached.

Today is your promotion day -- it's not " lunch plans today or ELSE! "

day! If you can frame it so you're laughing about it, that helps to

diffuse it, too. Helps you remain detached.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

T,

I didn't realize you were at work today. That is one of my biggest pet peeves,

why does

she think she can text you on a work day and be responded to immediately. I

worked in a

place with no personal calls, and no cell phones allowed. It made work one of

my safest

places.

I may be old but I don't like that people think I can be gotten any time so I

typical have my

cell off or silent. Maybe it was a subconcious way to avoid Nada?

Congrats on the promotion!

>

> Well, what a day I am having. I got a promotion and at my new location today,

so it is

supposed to be a good day, but I keep being met with all of this drama.

>

> I just got a phone call from her now, and of course I did not answer.

Basically she said

over again what she had said in her text messages. Basically: " I have sent you a

couple of

text messages and wasnt sure if you got them. I was just wondering if you would

like to

meet one on one to try and figure out a resolution to this. I would like to

know by the end

of the day so that i am not wondering about this. If i do not hear from you by

the end of

the day cause i do not want to be hung out to dry, i will assume you do not want

to meet

and find a way to move forward and negotiating a solution. Hopefully I will

hear from you,

but I will love you either way. mom "

>

> That is not verbatum, but basically what it said. My initial reaction is to

not respond

still, basically to make her suffer in silence, but I know that may not be the

right thing, or

the mature thing to do. I am torn between how to handle this, but it certainly

angers me

to here her say that we need to figure out a resolution, and negotiate. i have

done

nothing, she is the one that needs to fix her problems. anyways, any thoughts

are always

appreciated.

> T

>

>

[Guest guest]

Tony-

For what it's worth, every single time I got a new job or promotion,

or got some local publicity and made the mistake of telling my

parent's, they'd relay the info to my BPD bro, and he'd call and rage

and send hate e-mails and generally try to destroy the happy moment.

Oh, and he'd always demand a response THAT DAY or THAT HOUR too.

Actually, the last bit in your mom's email about how she might have to

move on is great. This is what eventually happened with my crazy bro.

I cut off contact, and waited until he finally sent an e-mail saying

he'd NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

To which I finally responded something like. " Great, sorry it had to

be this way. Best of luck to you in future life, we'll never see each

other again. "

Letty

> >

> > So i think I know how to interpret this text message from my mom,

> but I

> > was wondering what others thoughts were on this and what you think I

> > should do. Thanks all:

> >

> > " Hi. Will you meet with me to talk, soon?

> > No maybe, just yes or nom please. I have

> > an idea for a new years resolution, but it

> > must be in person alone with me. Love mom. "

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

>

[Guest guest]

Letty -- I can relate!

It's almost humorous how my dad, when he sent a very mean, insulting

e-mail because he was pissed we didn't make plans with them

Thanksgiving. He wrote about three paragraphs of insults, then ends

it with " Don't bother to respond. I'll just delete it. "

Okey Dokey! Have it your way, Dad!

I was FREE! I " couldn't " respond -- and that meant I didn't have to

make Christmas plans with them either!!! I think my dad realized

that he'd stepped in it bigtime, but by the time he " apologized " for

what he wrote, it was too late. We were already leaving town with

Christmas plans of our own.

Maybe he thought I'd be so hurt and upset -- and don't forget SHAMED

by my terrible ways -- that I would ignore his command not to

respond, and call him crying, blah, blah, blah.....But I took him at

his word and went about my day. Oh, and shared the letter with my

brother, aunt, two uncles, my friends and this board!!!

It's almost funny how they think they're REALLY BURNING us by

telling us they'll never speak to us again. It's almost like we

have to zip our lip from crying out " THANK YOU!!! "

Makes me laugh.....

-Kyla