a fake letter replying to NADA. I feel so much better.,

[Guest guest]

I'm only writing this on here today to make me feel better. I would

never actually reply to anything nasty or wrong my mother has said

to me, because it does no good. But I am just posting within the

last email she sent me...talking back. It just makes me feel better.

I just picked apart each section of her email and replied to it.

Beware, there are obceneties, as I got caught in the heat of my

anger.

MOM: " sara,

i am sorry you feel the way you do about the christmas items. i

put a lot of thought and love into picking them out for you. and as

always enjoyed doing so. i do know know what i will do with them.

but i guess you are right, someone else will surely appreciate them.

it hurts me deeply that you do not. "

ME:Mom, it is not that I am ungrateful for kindness and gifts,but as

always, you make me feel that I do not deserve any gifts, especially

from you. I don't fully believe that you put a lot of thought and

love into picking out my presents. Your presents were always filled

with obligation and guilt. I have always appreciated things you have

done for me, to the point where I felt guilty just for existing. You

have never allowed me to forget how much you " sacraficed " for me and

susie.

MOM: it also saddens me that you continue to hold on to the

bitterness

that you have, that i still do not understand. as you know and will

find out as life goes on, people will not always share your opinions

on things, people, views, etc,,, but that is what makes the world go

around, they say.

ME: I am not necessarily bitter toward you, or maybe I am bitter

because you refuse to meet me halfway. Bitter isn't the correct

word, ANGER is the correct word. i am angry at you for messing with

my head so much and always making me feel worthless to you. Like I

never deserved to exist in your presense. I am angry because you

have turned the whole family against me for no reason, other than

the fact that I am living my own life and doing things for ME.

I know that people will not always share my opnions and beliefs, but

I don't need you to tell me this as if you are sharing a wise secret

with me. You are the one who needs to realize that, not me.

MOM: i have tried to express my feelings to you that i

miss you and i love you as i am sure you already know. but you are

so

cold, and distant, it seems that you do not want to work things out

with me.

ME: Your feelings that you miss me and love me were not very well

expressed. the only feelings I got from you were that you were

awaiting for me to make things right. I've been trying since I was

very small to " MAKE THINGS RIGHT " with you. It is a task that I

tried to accomplish in vain. You will never be satisfied. I will

always disappoint you, as will the rest of the world. You will find

that life is often disappointing when you rely on others to make you

happy. Take that for some wise advice. I am tired of chasing for

your affections, love and approval. I deserve to be loved

unconditionally...not by having to constantly earn your love. You

are my mother, act like it. I am cold and distant because I have to

constantly protect myself from you. Anything I share with you can be

used against me. You will make a weapon out of kind words. I tried

like hell to work things out with you, last November when things got

really heated. I tried calling constantly, I tried to be around, but

you told me to stay away for thanksgiving, and then you said I was

no better than anyone else that has treated you like shit in your

life. WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT WAS SO BAD??? Then you said that you

didn't want to talk to me again until I was back to my old self.

Well, I WILL NEVER go back to that. I was miserable being your

emotional doormat, being treated like a servant piece of shit that

wasn't worth looking at. I discovered self respect and dignity.

Sorry that seems to have brought you to your demise. A normal mother

would want her daughter to have those things. But then again we are

talking about you here, arent we, you useless miserable bitch?

MOM: i know you feel that you do not need me or anyone else right

now, and i hope that life is that good to you, that you dont.

ME: How dare you tell me that you " know " how i feel. You can't even

decipher your own feelings. Figure that out and fix yourself before

you try to fix anyone else. I have lots of people in my life that I

can count on. But a truly healthy person does not rely on others

constantly, so no, I don't need you or anyone else, because I'm sane

enough to handle my own affairs.

MOM: but i

know mine wasnt. and i was so grateful that i had grandpa, and am

grateful for my brothers and sister.

ME: Yeah, I know you were thankful for grandpa. too thankful, it was

sickening. So thankful that you wouldn't stop him from molesting

your 11 year old daughter after she told you about it twice. How

dare you mention my grandfather to me, like I need to be thankful

for him as well. All he has done for me was give me more shit to

deal with as an adult. SO FUCKING THANKFUL. Are you still thankful

when you think of him groping me? With his hands all over me? Asking

me if I Like what he is doing? Does that make you thankful?

MOM: it seems that you would realize

from all the past family dysfunction that it is a shame not to be

close to family. you were always one that said that family was

everything to you. i dont know why the change of heart.

ME: Yes, there has been TONS of family dysfunction, mainly between

you and your own mother. SOUND FAMILIAR?

MOM: i had a void in my life without a mother.

i never wanted that for my

daughters. i tried to fix it. i just have to face the fact that my

daughter dosent love me anymore.

ME:You haven't tried to fix anything. All you've done was shovel

more guilt upon me and played martyr. I love you and always will.

But I am angry at you for what you have done to me.

MOM:i will not bother you anymore , but

my heart will always be open to you.

ME: With as vengeful and manipulative you have been, it's hard for

me to believe that you have a heart.

MOM: telling me to give your gifts to good will was not a nice thing

to say.

ME: How can you expect me to accept gifts from you when you pretty

much tell me that I am undeserving of your love and support? Would

you accept gifts from someone that just told you that you have been

a disappointment to them?

MOM:how could you invite me to your house for dinner at your

house and have a mind set such as that? you just as well ask a

homeless person to dinner. im sure he/she would need a good dinner

more than i.

ME: You are right. How could I invite you to my home for dinner?

With the way you have treated me all my life, I was stupid for

trying to spend even more time with you. Maybe I'm a glutton for

punishment.

MOM: i want you happy. im glad you are. this is the only thing

that gets me past things. knowing that you are succeeding and

happy.

ME: You don't want ME happy, you want YOU happy.

MOM: i love you. i miss you and you are always in my heart sara jo.

ME: You don't know what it's like to really love some one. Love in

its truest form is selfless. you always have your own feelings in

mind.

MOM:i know you may think this is not a nice thing..but i can not

bare

to see you tomorrow. emotionally or physically. i really need my

head straight . and my health. i know it is not your concern. but,

you can just leave the dishes on the porch. and i will leave the few

things of yours out there. im not trying to add more turmoil, but

you

just dont know what all this can do to me. im not being dramatic.

thats the point. neither one of us need it...thank you again for

returning them ..once again i love you sara

ME: I'm glad I didn't have to see you to return those dishes. I'm

glad my husband did it for me. He saw you looking out the window.

Were you hoping to get one last glance of me before you left? Well

you didn't even get that. You didn't deserve it. I am a decent

person who deserves to be loved unconditionally, and without being

criticized for being myself. With you I have always had to meet

conditions to earn/gain your love. I was always blamed for any

unhappiness you ever had. I no longer take the blame. I give it back

to you. you told me several times throughout my life that " Life is

what you make it " . It is time for you to live by your own rules.

Good luck, NADA.

~Sara jo