Re: Is anger the only emotion that I will feel for a while?

[Guest guest]

Hi Dolly,

Reading your post, I had the recurring question " Why isn't she in a

nursing home? " I'm assuming she refuses. A natural consequence of

this refusal would be your refusal to come running when she falls and

can't get back up. I'd just say no next time. Let her scream and

yell, but it is not your job to drive over an hour to try to pry her

off the floor when this is a foreseeable event given her illness. I'd

tell her that she needs to be in a nursing home, and that you will no

longer come running.

As far as the anger, I'd say anger and sadness have been predominant

for me for the last several weeks. I'm hoping this passes. I did

have a pretty happy day yesterday, but glum again today. I'm figuring

that I'm just going through all the emotions that I packed away when I

was still trying to pretend I had a reasonable approximation of a

mother. I don't. It sucks. Dad's no help. But I can't change any

of it, so I've got to move on.

>

> Dee,

>

> I made the mistake of going to help my father deal with my NADA last

> night. Mom fell after she took a shower. Dad was struggling to get

> her dressed and into a chair. Remember that Mom's got MS and is

> pretty vegetative (physically) at this point. She was completely

> naked on the floor with tons of blankets and pillows around her when

> I arrived.

>

> I got sucked into driving an hour to help him. I can't stand to see

> him suffer like this.

[Guest guest]

You know, in addition to what others have posted, I just can't imagine having to

get underwear onto an nude, immobile 280lb woman. I have no idea how you managed

to do that and I'm just so sorry that you had to and that you were treated that

way for it!! I guess she refuses a nursing home, but what about hospice? You

just really shouldn't have to drive well out of your way for THAT.

Jae

Re: Is anger the only emotion that I will feel for

a while?

Hi Dolly,

Reading your post, I had the recurring question " Why isn't she in a

nursing home? " I'm assuming she refuses. A natural consequence of

this refusal would be your refusal to come running when she falls and

can't get back up. I'd just say no next time. Let her scream and

yell, but it is not your job to drive over an hour to try to pry her

off the floor when this is a foreseeable event given her illness. I'd

tell her that she needs to be in a nursing home, and that you will no

longer come running.

As far as the anger, I'd say anger and sadness have been predominant

for me for the last several weeks. I'm hoping this passes. I did

have a pretty happy day yesterday, but glum again today. I'm figuring

that I'm just going through all the emotions that I packed away when I

was still trying to pretend I had a reasonable approximation of a

mother. I don't. It sucks. Dad's no help. But I can't change any

of it, so I've got to move on.

>

> Dee,

>

> I made the mistake of going to help my father deal with my NADA last

> night. Mom fell after she took a shower. Dad was struggling to get

> her dressed and into a chair. Remember that Mom's got MS and is

> pretty vegetative (physically) at this point. She was completely

> naked on the floor with tons of blankets and pillows around her when

> I arrived.

>

> I got sucked into driving an hour to help him. I can't stand to see

> him suffer like this.

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[Guest guest]

Yes, I feel a lot of anger toward my mom. I'm angry at her for what

she's done, for how she squelched who I was, how she ignored big

moments in my life -- and as a woman, I'm angry at her for wasting her

life.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but I'm sure you won't be rushing

in there next time. Maybe getting your fill of it is exactly what you

needed. You sound like you're in a good place emotionally. Of course

you should feel anger! Stay away and let her clean up the mess next

time.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

What a great post, Dolly. " Obedience, apathy and ignorance got me to that place

of contentment... " I never thought of it in those terms, but that's exactly it.

I think we, or at least I, want to blame ourselves for putting up with out

nadas/fadas as much as we did, thinking since we allowed abuse we're somehow

culpable, but when you put it in those terms it's easy to see where a child is

blameless. Of course a kid is obedient to their parents, and how would we have

become informed about BPD at such a young age? I probably wouldn't have had the

strength to do anything with that knowledge even if I had had it. Oh and

apathy... it seems to form from a mix of depressive lethargy and self-loathing.

Nada's behavior can cause both of those. Anger is probably one of the only ways

we can get up the energy to fight for ourselves.

Thanks, Dolly.

Jae

Re: Is anger the only emotion that I will feel for

a while?

Extraction.. .funny word choice, but oh so appropriate

How does one go about extraction from a concrete foundation? A

jackhammer, perhaps?

It's no wonder it takes rage and anger to remove myself from this

situation. Obedience, apathy and ignorance got me to that place

of " contentment " where I served my parents every need (or at least

died trying).

What took me so long to recognize the abusive cycle? Why didn't I

run from this situation years ago? Obligation, duty, self-loathing?

I've read a lot of posts/replies from others on this site who

mentioned a black hole of negativity or going deeper into their

clutches or drowning and I can picture exactly what's happened so

many times before.

It's only when we take responsibility for ourselves that we emerge

from the abusive cycle without wounds. We walk away from their

craziness and we see that LIFE is GOOD and we actually have lives of

our own to lead. Wow! I miss that feeling. (I don't miss the

extraction pain, but I miss the feeling of getting to the other side)

Thank you for all of the feedback.

Have a great day!

Smiles,

Dolly

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[Guest guest]

> Extraction...funny word choice, but oh so appropriate

>

> How does one go about extraction from a concrete foundation? A

> jackhammer, perhaps?

>

Nice way to put it. I think the anger and rage can be the jackhammer

that helps propel one out of that concrete foundation. Depression,

lethargy, numbness, those are the feelings that sucks one even further

into the black hole.

Though maybe feelings all have their purposes. I was pretty annoyed

with myself this winter for getting too depressed, it just seemed so

pointless, why couldn't I take other people's advice and " not be so

sensitive " or " redirect my energy? " . Then I realised well, 1) everyone

should be allowed to slip into the melting snow once in a while--

giving myself permission to feel my feelings instead of beating myself

up about it felt much better already. Also, 2) I have issues with

shutting down feelings because I have spent so much time focussing on

everyone else, so getting depressed (or some other strong emotion) may

be a way for me to get in touch with my own needs again-- not a bad

thing. AND 3) maybe even depression is actually GRIEVING (doesn't that

sound somehow more valid?), grieving for a lost childhood, for

emotional and spiritual and sexual abuse that I hadn't even

acknowledged before. That is not a bad thing is it? and 4) ANGER--

that can be the jackhammer to get out of the funk of depression and

grief, next stage on. Not always a bad thing....

[Guest guest]

I agree completely. We must give ourselves permission to feel and

have emotions. I don't think there's anything wrong with any emotion

as long as we don't get stuck there (perseverating or self-

destructing). I think it is valid to grieve and sit in melancholy

moments as well as express anger over negative activities. But,

there is a flip side to the coin where we should both give and

receive joy. I want to be sure I experience that (without shame).

I want everyone to experience joy and share that, too!

Today, I'm going to find opportunities to both experience and share

joy with friends. I guess anger isn't the " only emotion I'll feel "

today. I'll celebrate today for all it's worth.

I hope you will do the same!

Smiles,

Dolls

>

>

> > Extraction...funny word choice, but oh so appropriate

> >

> > How does one go about extraction from a concrete foundation? A

> > jackhammer, perhaps?

> >

>

>

> Nice way to put it. I think the anger and rage can be the jackhammer

> that helps propel one out of that concrete foundation. Depression,

> lethargy, numbness, those are the feelings that sucks one even

further

> into the black hole.

>

> Though maybe feelings all have their purposes. I was pretty annoyed

> with myself this winter for getting too depressed, it just seemed so

> pointless, why couldn't I take other people's advice and " not be so

> sensitive " or " redirect my energy? " . Then I realised well, 1)

everyone

> should be allowed to slip into the melting snow once in a while--

> giving myself permission to feel my feelings instead of beating

myself

> up about it felt much better already. Also, 2) I have issues with

> shutting down feelings because I have spent so much time focussing

on

> everyone else, so getting depressed (or some other strong emotion)

may

> be a way for me to get in touch with my own needs again-- not a bad

> thing. AND 3) maybe even depression is actually GRIEVING (doesn't

that

> sound somehow more valid?), grieving for a lost childhood, for

> emotional and spiritual and sexual abuse that I hadn't even

> acknowledged before. That is not a bad thing is it? and 4) ANGER--

> that can be the jackhammer to get out of the funk of depression and

> grief, next stage on. Not always a bad thing....

>